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VIDEO: "What is parental alienation?" Parental alienation is when a parent allows a child to participate or hear them degrade the other parent. This is not uncommon in divorces and the children often adjust. In severe cases, however, it can be devastating to the child. This video provides a helpful overview.
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Author Topic: Did your exBPD hold everything they did for you over your head?  (Read 5785 times)
Xidion
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« on: December 08, 2014, 08:57:44 AM »

My exBPD always did things for me when asked. Bring me coffee or lunch at work, or sometimes come visit me at work, but now looking back, I feel as if it was for the reason of manipulation rather than love for me. She would hold it over my head and no matter how much I did for her, she would make it seem like she did everything for me and I did nothing for in return... .ever. Was this how it was for you as well?
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BuildingFromScratch
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« Reply #1 on: December 08, 2014, 09:04:39 AM »

I can relate, I know we are all just ungrateful invalids, who drain amazing BPD people! /end sarcasm
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« Reply #2 on: December 08, 2014, 09:22:37 AM »

In my experience I would say they are never driven to do something for you just because they want to, but for what they may gain in return.

Even when they admit they are doing something for themselves they will later turn it around and tell you it was all for YOU, and how dare you be so ungrateful.  Smiling (click to insert in post)
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LeftSidePain

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« Reply #3 on: December 08, 2014, 09:22:58 AM »

Was this how it was for you as well?

Yes it was the same for me and still is. In the end I was so demoralized I felt like I was going insane. I am so glad that is over. It is one of the greatest things with NC. I don't have to fight it anymore.

I didn't bring her lunch to her one time in the middle of the night and it has been thrown in my face at least 9 times.

Never mind that fact that every Friday I would bring lunch home for her from a local eatery to take to work or left a dozen roses or candy in her car or walked her to work or any other thing. The fact that I didn't bring her lunch one time was met with how many times she's bent over backwards to accommodate me and how much I really don't love her because of it.

This and the splicing of events to show her as the victim, taking no responsibility for any action, and outright lying when it came to events that had happened in the past.
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Xidion
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« Reply #4 on: December 08, 2014, 09:45:51 AM »

It's amazing how they play the victim so well. I don't miss that one bit. My exBPD was as childish as they come. Being only 22,  she was still young anyhow.  Her family full of enablers doesn't help either. When we moved in together, we agreed that I pay all the bills, she does all the cleaning. That didn't last long. She began to complain that I never help around the house, but if I mentioned that I paid $1000 in bills a month and never asked for a dime from her... there was he11 to pay.
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Splitblack4good
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« Reply #5 on: December 08, 2014, 10:12:28 AM »

My exBPD always did things for me when asked. Bring me coffee or lunch at work, or sometimes come visit me at work, but now looking back, I feel as if it was for the reason of manipulation rather than love for me. She would hold it over my head and no matter how much I did for her, she would make it seem like she did everything for me and I did nothing for in return... .ever. Was this how it was for you as well?

This post has just made me re-live so many occasions that I thought I was the only one that was made to feel like that due to to most BPD females bein money grabbers and ther exes saying how broke they were once she left .
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harbour
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« Reply #6 on: December 08, 2014, 10:15:21 AM »

Oh yes, it was. And not only when asked. He insisted on cleaning my place, wash the dishes, go shopping for me, take the train and come for me, when I visited a friend outside the city, carry my small backpack, which I wouldn't let him, but he kept on insisting, buy me flowers and sweets etc... And it could be quite stressful, when he asked me all the time: Do you want me to do this or that for you. I had the feeling that he did all this to get something from me. Attention, attention and attention. ALL the time. It was quite stressful. And yes, after he started painting me black, he would tell me that he made such a hard effort, that he did all the work in our relationship, while I did absolutely nothing.  

Maybe it was partly manipulation, more or less conscious. But maybe it was also a way to try to do his best to feel he deserved to be loved, and not to be abandoned. I think he knew somehow, at some level, that his destructive behaviour (the roller-coaster, his rage, his controlling me etc.), which seemed to be beyond his control, put the relationship at risk. So he compensated with what he was capable of.

A friend of mine, who is a therapist, saw his idealization and his extreme helpfulness as a way of trying to keep the shadow, the terror and the rage, down, because it feels unbearably threatening. They try hard to cling to the idealization (Paradise), but that is doomed to fail, of course. This happens unconsciously, he said.  
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Xidion
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« Reply #7 on: December 08, 2014, 10:24:56 AM »

I really really want to see a therapist,  but I'm not sure I can afford it. I feel so emotionally drained from this experience. I felt like I did everything right and that if my ex didn't have BPD,  it would have been a great relationship.  I don't know if I can trust again so easily as I did with her.  Are there any affordable online therapists?
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Deeno02
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« Reply #8 on: December 08, 2014, 10:36:48 AM »

Yeah... .that to.
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OutOfEgypt
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« Reply #9 on: December 08, 2014, 10:59:39 AM »

Mine did many things for me at first, probably the first year.  And it was definitely used against me... .when she stopped doing it.  "I stopped doing those things for you because you are so neglectful and don't care about me."

It's kinda ridiculous.  She would tell me how "patient" she was with me.  She stopped doing nice things for me within the first year of our 13 year marriage.  The rest of the marriage was her dumping everything on me, including responsibilities, lying to me, blaming me, cheating on me, and deliberately "punishing" me for how I "hurt" her so much.  Can't fill a black hole.

I would get sick of wiping her butt and would constantly, for years, repeat the same cycle:  get frustrated, finally speak up to her, listen to her tell me that I'm mean, wrong, neglectful, and unappreciative of the things she *did* do, which would then lead to me shutting up, doing it all by myself more, which would eventually lead to me getting frustrated and building up in resentment, until I finally spoke up... .etc etc.  Wash, rinse, repeat.  Ad nauseam.  Ad infinitum.
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Xidion
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« Reply #10 on: December 08, 2014, 11:14:06 AM »

Mine did many things for me at first, probably the first year.  And it was definitely used against me... .when she stopped doing it.  "I stopped doing those things for you because you are so neglectful and don't care about me."

It's kinda ridiculous.  She would tell me how "patient" she was with me.  She stopped doing nice things for me within the first year of our 13 year marriage.  The rest of the marriage was her dumping everything on me, including responsibilities, lying to me, blaming me, cheating on me, and deliberately "punishing" me for how I "hurt" her so much.  Can't fill a black hole.

I would get sick of wiping her butt and would constantly, for years, repeat the same cycle:  get frustrated, finally speak up to her, listen to her tell me that I'm mean, wrong, neglectful, and unappreciative of the things she *did* do, which would then lead to me shutting up, doing it all by myself more, which would eventually lead to me getting frustrated and building up in resentment, until I finally spoke up... .etc etc.  Wash, rinse, repeat.  Ad nauseam.  Ad infinitum.

13 years?  That's some time.  I was only in for 20 months.  But the cycle seems so similar. She only left me when I found out that she was cheating,  I called her out on it, but she still found a way to blame me. I was crazy for looking in her phone.  It's my fault she cheated.  She fought so hard for me and us.  How could I betray her trust by going through her phone and catch hey cheating,  etc etc. I feel sorry for everyone who has gone through this.
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OutOfEgypt
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« Reply #11 on: December 08, 2014, 11:16:35 AM »

Excerpt
I was crazy for looking in her phone.  It's my fault she cheated.  She fought so hard for me and us.  How could I betray her trust by going through her phone and catch hey cheating,  etc etc. I feel sorry for everyone who has gone through this.

Yes.  All of this.  Over and over for years.
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Targeted
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« Reply #12 on: December 08, 2014, 11:27:02 AM »

She really did not have much to hold over my head, The only thing she could really use is-  I let you stay at my house,  which I do respect and appreciate but I did not need a place to stay, she wanted me there. Not to mention I did not just stay there, I helped support that place, it cost me a minimum of 200–300 dollars a week in contributions of money, food, gas, items to repair the house, etc.  The fact is she may have a house because Lucky for her she was the female in her divorce but she cannot afford her lifestyle unless she is dating somebody who will be willing to supplement it with funds.  Other than that she really did nothing for me that she can hang over my head,  that was her only thing.

I let you into my home.-----  yeah, but I helped support it very much.
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mstnghu
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« Reply #13 on: December 08, 2014, 11:31:26 AM »

My wife INSISTS on making home-cooked meals almost every night and doing my laundry. As she does these things though, she huffs and puffs the whole time and acts completely put out by it.  I've told her she doesn't need to stress herself out so much over it and that there are other ways she can show her love to me... .by just being nice to me! Never mind the fact that I do the VAST MAJORITY of the house work and spend more time taking care of our son than she does.

In my bachelor days, I got used to being completely self-sufficient. My wife likes to make me feel incapable of taking care of myself though and always holds the things she does for me over my head day in and day out. It's manipulation and an attempt at controlling me. It's just ONE of the many ways she controls and manipulates situations with me.
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Xidion
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« Reply #14 on: December 08, 2014, 11:41:54 AM »

My wife INSISTS on making home-cooked meals almost every night and doing my laundry. As she does these things though, she huffs and puffs the whole time and acts completely put out by it.  I've told her she doesn't need to stress herself out so much over it and that there are other ways she can show her love to me... .by just being nice to me! Never mind the fact that I do the VAST MAJORITY of the house work and spend more time taking care of our son than she does.

In my bachelor days, I got used to being completely self-sufficient. My wife likes to make me feel incapable of taking care of myself though and always holds the things she does for me over my head day in and day out. It's manipulation and an attempt at controlling me. It's just ONE of the many ways she controls and manipulates situations with me.

What ever happened to, "you do your part and I'll do mine and we will just live and be happy".
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WhyMe?
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« Reply #15 on: December 08, 2014, 12:47:15 PM »

My exBPD always did things for me when asked. Bring me coffee or lunch at work, or sometimes come visit me at work, but now looking back, I feel as if it was for the reason of manipulation rather than love for me. She would hold it over my head and no matter how much I did for her, she would make it seem like she did everything for me and I did nothing for in return... .ever. Was this how it was for you as well?

Mine did thing for me even when I specifically asked him not to (I did learn early on that it would be thrown in my face at some point).

He bought me (us) a futon and twice disassembled it during late night arguments. The arguments were because he'd wait till I fell asleep and would wake me up to tell me he didn't feel loved and we NEEDED to talk NOW. The fact he had been over all night was irrelevant.

I was continually told I was ungrateful. He always spelled it wrong too, which for some reason I found hysterical. So I worked harder at being more grateful, but it never ever worked in my favor.
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Deeno02
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« Reply #16 on: December 08, 2014, 12:57:24 PM »

My exBPD always did things for me when asked. Bring me coffee or lunch at work, or sometimes come visit me at work, but now looking back, I feel as if it was for the reason of manipulation rather than love for me. She would hold it over my head and no matter how much I did for her, she would make it seem like she did everything for me and I did nothing for in return... .ever. Was this how it was for you as well?

Mine did thing for me even when I specifically asked him not to (I did learn early on that it would be thrown in my face at some point).

He bought me (us) a futon and twice disassembled it during late night arguments. The arguments were because he'd wait till I fell asleep and would wake me up to tell me he didn't feel loved and we NEEDED to talk NOW. The fact he had been over all night was irrelevant.

I was continually told I was ungrateful. He always spelled it wrong too, which for some reason I found hysterical. So I worked harder at being more grateful, but it never ever worked in my favor.

I was always accused of showing love by "gifts of service", or helping people, including her and her chaotic schedule. She wanted to loved by "touch". Well, she got both so Im still really at a loss of what the hell she was talking about. Just another thing that confused the hell out of me in the r/s... .still does.
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« Reply #17 on: December 08, 2014, 01:17:41 PM »

Mine said a few weeks back. Ive done so much for you and still do. All I can think that she now does for me is let me see my son.

She even tried to make me think she was doing me a favour by alowing me to see my other sons with my ex wife.

I have heard that she is telling people I used her as my housekeeper and only gave her £800 a month to look after the house. She fails to tell them that I paid the mortgage, gas, water, electric, council tax, tv licence, telephone, internet, sky, road tax and the shopping when I was home.

I cant actually think of anything she did do for me.
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Xidion
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« Reply #18 on: December 08, 2014, 01:20:18 PM »

Toward the end, my ex would tell me that I never made her feel special.  This being after I brought her flowers and catered to get every need.  If she wanted to cuddle,  we did.  I even told hey at one time,  "I can't tag your mind, but I love you enough that if you tell me what you need. I will give it to you to the best if my ability". Apparently we are suppose to be mind readers.
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mstnghu
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« Reply #19 on: December 08, 2014, 02:54:50 PM »

Toward the end, my ex would tell me that I never made her feel special.  This being after I brought her flowers and catered to get every need.  If she wanted to cuddle,  we did.  I even told hey at one time,  "I can't tag your mind, but I love you enough that if you tell me what you need. I will give it to you to the best if my ability". Apparently we are suppose to be mind readers.

Oh, I definitely get this one. My wife has been complaining for the last couple of weeks that I don't give her flowers anymore... .nevermind the fact that she really hasn't deserved any, based on the way she's been treating me.

She also expects me to be completely psychic when it comes to knowing her wants and needs. It's impossible to make her happy.
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Xidion
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« Reply #20 on: December 08, 2014, 03:45:08 PM »

Toward the end, my ex would tell me that I never made her feel special.  This being after I brought her flowers and catered to get every need.  If she wanted to cuddle,  we did.  I even told hey at one time,  "I can't tag your mind, but I love you enough that if you tell me what you need. I will give it to you to the best if my ability". Apparently we are suppose to be mind readers.



Oh, I definitely get this one. My wife has been complaining for the last couple of weeks that I don't give her flowers anymore... .nevermind the fact that she really hasn't deserved any, based on the way she's been treating me.

She also expects me to be completely psychic when it comes to knowing her wants and needs. It's impossible to make her happy.

It was a terrible experience doing everything I could to make her happy and nothing worked. The more I tried, the more unhappy she seemed. At the end she told me that all my efforts were "too late". Of course it was my fault... .How long have you 2 been married? When my ex started doing this is when she started seeking attention elsewhere and ultimately left me for someone else.
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WhyMe?
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« Reply #21 on: December 08, 2014, 03:45:24 PM »

I was always accused of showing love by "gifts of service", or helping people, including her and her chaotic schedule. She wanted to loved by "touch". Well, she got both so Im still really at a loss of what the hell she was talking about. Just another thing that confused the hell out of me in the r/s... .still does.

Oh! He needed to FEEL the love. Problem was, what I did to make him feel it changed by the minute. He'd actually tell me sometimes that I had done a great job at making him feel loved, and I'd try to duplicate it. It never worked a second time!    I just couldn't keep up - it was brutal!
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DangIthurts
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« Reply #22 on: December 08, 2014, 03:49:12 PM »

Mine did many things for me at first, probably the first year.  And it was definitely used against me... .when she stopped doing it.  "I stopped doing those things for you because you are so neglectful and don't care about me."

It's kinda ridiculous.  She would tell me how "patient" she was with me.  She stopped doing nice things for me within the first year of our 13 year marriage.  The rest of the marriage was her dumping everything on me, including responsibilities, lying to me, blaming me, cheating on me, and deliberately "punishing" me for how I "hurt" her so much.  Can't fill a black hole.

I would get sick of wiping her butt and would constantly, for years, repeat the same cycle:  get frustrated, finally speak up to her, listen to her tell me that I'm mean, wrong, neglectful, and unappreciative of the things she *did* do, which would then lead to me shutting up, doing it all by myself more, which would eventually lead to me getting frustrated and building up in resentment, until I finally spoke up... .etc etc.  Wash, rinse, repeat.  Ad nauseam.  Ad infinitum.

13 years?  That's some time.  I was only in for 20 months.  But the cycle seems so similar. She only left me when I found out that she was cheating,  I called her out on it, but she still found a way to blame me. I was crazy for looking in her phone.  It's my fault she cheated.  She fought so hard for me and us.  How could I betray her trust by going through her phone and catch hey cheating,  etc etc. I feel sorry for everyone who has gone through this.

LOL that situation would have made my breakup bearable.
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mstnghu
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« Reply #23 on: December 08, 2014, 05:35:34 PM »

Toward the end, my ex would tell me that I never made her feel special.  This being after I brought her flowers and catered to get every need.  If she wanted to cuddle,  we did.  I even told hey at one time,  "I can't tag your mind, but I love you enough that if you tell me what you need. I will give it to you to the best if my ability". Apparently we are suppose to be mind readers.



Oh, I definitely get this one. My wife has been complaining for the last couple of weeks that I don't give her flowers anymore... .nevermind the fact that she really hasn't deserved any, based on the way she's been treating me.

She also expects me to be completely psychic when it comes to knowing her wants and needs. It's impossible to make her happy.

It was a terrible experience doing everything I could to make her happy and nothing worked. The more I tried, the more unhappy she seemed. At the end she told me that all my efforts were "too late". Of course it was my fault... .How long have you 2 been married? When my ex started doing this is when she started seeking attention elsewhere and ultimately left me for someone else.

My wife and I have been together for a little over 7 years now and married for a little over 5 years. I used to buy her flowers all the time and did lots of nice things for her all the time. It's never been enough for her though and after awhile I've just gotten numb to trying to make her happy since it's virtually impossible to do so. She'll find something to be mad at me for no matter what.
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« Reply #24 on: December 08, 2014, 07:48:58 PM »

Mine always tried to remind me of what he did for me. Before we broke up he said everything is "ALL ABOUT YOU"! Really, as Mutt would say it was all about HIM. Switch the pronouns. When he got down on his knee and asked me to marry him it was 100% his idea. He said when we broke up that he asked me because it was what I wanted. I never made it an ultimatum. He did say under his breath one day, "the only way I am going to be able to make you stay and not leave (I would leave when the rages started) is to marry you". You would have thought I stole his wallet, bought a ring, put it on my own finger and told everyone I was engaged. He would get mad at me if I did not announce him as my fiancé. WOW! It got old. It was always about him and his needs... .when we broke up he said I had a short term memory when it came to all he did for me.
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« Reply #25 on: December 09, 2014, 09:47:49 AM »

Mine did many things for me at first, probably the first year.  And it was definitely used against me... .when she stopped doing it.  "I stopped doing those things for you because you are so neglectful and don't care about me."

It's kinda ridiculous.  She would tell me how "patient" she was with me.  She stopped doing nice things for me within the first year of our 13 year marriage.  The rest of the marriage was her dumping everything on me, including responsibilities, lying to me, blaming me, cheating on me, and deliberately "punishing" me for how I "hurt" her so much.  Can't fill a black hole.

I would get sick of wiping her butt and would constantly, for years, repeat the same cycle:  get frustrated, finally speak up to her, listen to her tell me that I'm mean, wrong, neglectful, and unappreciative of the things she *did* do, which would then lead to me shutting up, doing it all by myself more, which would eventually lead to me getting frustrated and building up in resentment, until I finally spoke up... .etc etc.  Wash, rinse, repeat.  Ad nauseam.  Ad infinitum.

I'm really glad these posts are here to read. They serve as reminders that I was not crazy and this IS an illness. I've been through the cycle so many times in the r/s and nearly as many out. This (detaching) has been the most difficult process of my life. At times I'm grateful to have made it out alive. Sometimes I'm so angry I scream at her in the car - even though no one is there. Sometimes I cry like a child because the pain runs so deep into my soul. Sometimes I try and practice forgiveness,  but have to remind myself that it in fact IS a disorder and my hands are truly tied. It's been a full two months today. A big 8 weeks of nothing. And it's been just about the worst 8 weeks of my life. One good thing is I've managed to quit smoking cold. I can barely notice and have almost no cravings at all. The withdrawal from her has been so intense nicotine has truly been no match... .
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mstnghu
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« Reply #26 on: December 09, 2014, 11:48:58 AM »

Mine did many things for me at first, probably the first year.  And it was definitely used against me... .when she stopped doing it.  "I stopped doing those things for you because you are so neglectful and don't care about me."

It's kinda ridiculous.  She would tell me how "patient" she was with me.  She stopped doing nice things for me within the first year of our 13 year marriage.  The rest of the marriage was her dumping everything on me, including responsibilities, lying to me, blaming me, cheating on me, and deliberately "punishing" me for how I "hurt" her so much.  Can't fill a black hole.

I would get sick of wiping her butt and would constantly, for years, repeat the same cycle:  get frustrated, finally speak up to her, listen to her tell me that I'm mean, wrong, neglectful, and unappreciative of the things she *did* do, which would then lead to me shutting up, doing it all by myself more, which would eventually lead to me getting frustrated and building up in resentment, until I finally spoke up... .etc etc.  Wash, rinse, repeat.  Ad nauseam.  Ad infinitum.

I'm really glad these posts are here to read. They serve as reminders that I was not crazy and this IS an illness. I've been through the cycle so many times in the r/s and nearly as many out. This (detaching) has been the most difficult process of my life. At times I'm grateful to have made it out alive. Sometimes I'm so angry I scream at her in the car - even though no one is there. Sometimes I cry like a child because the pain runs so deep into my soul. Sometimes I try and practice forgiveness,  but have to remind myself that it in fact IS a disorder and my hands are truly tied. It's been a full two months today. A big 8 weeks of nothing. And it's been just about the worst 8 weeks of my life. One good thing is I've managed to quit smoking cold. I can barely notice and have almost no cravings at all. The withdrawal from her has been so intense nicotine has truly been no match... .

I can't tell you how many times I've found myself so pissed and just cussing her out while I'm in the car by myself or even crying. The level of frustration becomes so intense at times.
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« Reply #27 on: December 09, 2014, 01:29:21 PM »

I curse him out in the car too!  We must be a fun bunch to watch drive. Yes mine was good to me for about the first year then off and on for the remainder of the relationship. At the end he was cruel and dishonest and generally a giant a$$.

So why do I cry far more then I curse after all the months? And why does the thought of dating repulse me?  And why can't I find a genuine wonderful man to spend my life with? 

Sigh. Today seems like a tough one.
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« Reply #28 on: December 09, 2014, 01:38:50 PM »

I curse him out in the car too!  We must be a fun bunch to watch drive. Yes mine was good to me for about the first year then off and on for the remainder of the relationship. At the end he was cruel and dishonest and generally a giant a$$.

So why do I cry far more then I curse after all the months? And why does the thought of dating repulse me?  And why can't I find a genuine wonderful man to spend my life with? 

Sigh. Today seems like a tough one.

Beats me Hope. My ex/gf just became more distant and snarky as she devalued me and I just couldnt do anything right. Got to the point where it didnt seem to matter if I was there or not. then she dropped the hammer and it was total shock and awe! However, Im 4 months out and Im doing a hell of a lot better, but, like the others, I curse and cry too! The fact it that no matter which route I take, I can see her damn house... .ugh! hurry up spring! at least the trees will grow back! Im not looking for anyone right now, but I did panic and signed up for every dating site I could find!... .Laugh out loud (click to insert in post). I canceled them after a couple months. Im far from ready, nor am I interested. I have gone out with groups of friends and that hasnt been to bad. It wil only get better.
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« Reply #29 on: December 09, 2014, 04:30:59 PM »

Maybe not things she did but things she got for me, and very specifically my phone. She gave me a phone the first christmas we were together and during many arguments she would out of no where say "give me MY phone back" one day i got sick of her saying that and i just chucked it in the middle of the street.

The funny thing is that i later came to find out that she purchsed this phone with a stolen credit card.
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