Hi

[j.me]

Hi,

I'm an adult child of a mother with BPD. I'm hoping to connect with some people who understand the challenges of this unfortunate circumstance. Glad to be here 

[Kwamina]

Hello j.me ,

Having a mother wit BPD can be quite challenging. Many of our members know what it's like to be in this situation. Can you tell us a bit more about your situation, like what are the behaviors of your mother that you find the most challenging? Has your mother been officially diagnosed with BPD and/or is she in therapy and/or receiving any other kind of treatment?

I hope you'll be able to share some more of your story later. Take care and welcome to the family

[j.me]

Hi Kwamina,

I don't know if my mother has been officially diagnosed. She's been in and out of therapy for decades, but she's never shared her diagnoses with me. I was able to finally put a name to her disorder after working in the mental health field for several years, working closely with patients diagnosed with BPD, and learning to understand the hallmark symptoms of BPD. I have know since I was a child (one of my earliest memories is of my mom inappropriately sharing with me) that my mother was sexually and emotionally abused by her step-father, and had repressed most of her childhood memories. I've known things were not right at home since I was a teen. But I've only recently been able to put the pieces together. I have described my mother to several mental health professionals, who agree that she sounds like a borderline.

It's so hard to pinpoint the most challenging behaviors in my mother. Her self-pity and sense of hopelessness are pretty hard to bear. I do love her, and knowing that she lives in so much pain, and will never get any better, is extremely painful for me. The guilt-tripping is also very challenging. She expects me to somehow make her better, and when I am unwilling to take on that responsibility for her (which I am not), she uses her keen powers of manipulation to make me feel like a terrible daughter….I guess that's the splitting she does with me, and most often, I am the bad daughter. I have lived with a deep sense of shame for many years, and although I may seem high functioning on the outside, I am a wreck on the inside. I am so insecure, and I wonder if I will ever be able to form a stable relationship with another person. And so I'm angry, and I feel like I got a raw deal.

[clljhns]

Hi j.me,

So glad you are here!

And so I'm angry, and I feel like I got a raw deal.

I completely understand where you are coming from. I wondered for many years if I had not had the parents I did, what my life might have been. What might I have accomplished if I wasn't so insecure and had deep-rooted feelings of inadequacy? I don't ruminate on this anymore, thanks to therapy and years of NC with family. It does leave a scar like no other.

I was able to finally put a name to her disorder after working in the mental health field for several years, working closely with patients diagnosed with BPD, and learning to understand the hallmark symptoms of BPD.

It is interesting that you worked in the mental health field. I don't know if you came to this field looking for answers, but I also worked in the mental health field for several years, and I know that I went in search of answers through this field.

I have know since I was a child (one of my earliest memories is of my mom inappropriately sharing with me) that my mother was sexually and emotionally abused by her step-father, and had repressed most of her childhood memories.

You are right, this was very inappropriate to share with a child. The way I describe my mom "sharing" her childhood memories was like lobbing a bomb in my direction. She would tell me and my siblings things at the most odd times. For example, we are watching a television program and out she would come with one of her stories. We kids would just sit in silence. Then she would cry and run out of the room. Bizarre. At the time, I didn't recognize this as abnormal, because I didn't have a frame of reference to compare it to. But like you, as an adult, I knew something was wrong, but didn't know exactly what. That was when I went on my quest to understand. The one thing I neglected in that quest was me. I was searching for answers, and didn't realize the damage that had been done to me, so I didn't seek help until I was much older.

I am so insecure, and I wonder if I will ever be able to form a stable relationship with another person

What are you doing for yourself? Are you seeing a professional to help with these feelings related to your childhood? I think that with help you will see that you can have a healthy, and happy relationship.

Wishing you all the best. 

[j.me]

I went into the mental health field because I felt I could relate to people seeking help in a way much deeper than most. So, on one level, I want to be helpful and supportive to others in pain. And on another level, I am seeking connections with other people, and looking for healing within myself. I actually have a hard time being surrounded by happy, healthy people, so I feel comfortable (sometimes even fulfilled) in the mental health environment.

I am in therapy. I get frustrated with it very quickly, but I'm trying to stick it out in hopes that I can make some meaningful progress. I often suffer from a sense of hopelessness about my life, a trait that I believe I picked up from my mom, and something that makes me terrified that I have BPD myself. Also a trait that pushes people away from me, thereby perpetuating the vicious cycle. But I desperately want a partner to share my life with…I'm quickly approaching 40 and wondering if it's in the cards for me at all.

I don't think I could ever go NC with my mom. I think it would kill her. I've been LC for a long time, but I feel guilty about it every day. It's like she's fixed in my brain, reminding me of how I have failed her. I know it sounds ridiculous, and I know rationally that her well-being is not my responsibility, but I still can't shake the feeling. It's maddening.

[Kwamina]

Hi again j.me,

I am in therapy. I get frustrated with it very quickly, but I'm trying to stick it out in hopes that I can make some meaningful progress.

What aspects of therapy do you find frustrating? Do you perhaps feel like your progress isn't going as fast enough as you would like it to?

I often suffer from a sense of hopelessness about my life, a trait that I believe I picked up from my mom, and something that makes me terrified that I have BPD myself. Also a trait that pushes people away from me, thereby perpetuating the vicious cycle. But I desperately want a partner to share my life with…I'm quickly approaching 40 and wondering if it's in the cards for me at all.

You raise a very important point here. Many children of BPD actually learn unhealthy behaviors and thinking patterns from their BPD parent and/or develop unhealthy coping mechanisms. This however doesn't have to mean that you have BPD yourself. It could be that it's just learned behavior that can also be unlearned or at least better managed through hard work. Hard work like you're doing right now by posting here and by trying to stick to your therapy  Are there any other traits that you feel you might have learned from your mother?

I don't think I could ever go NC with my mom. I think it would kill her. I've been LC for a long time, but I feel guilty about it every day. It's like she's fixed in my brain, reminding me of how I have failed her. I know it sounds ridiculous, and I know rationally that her well-being is not my responsibility, but I still can't shake the feeling. It's maddening.

Are you just speaking metaphorically here about how it would kill her? Has your mother ever said anything to you like if you do so and so or don't do what I say, I will hurt myself?

The part about how your mother seems to be fixed in your brain, probably doesn't sound ridiculous at all to many of us here. I was raised by an undiagnosed BPD mother myself and learning to talk back to her negative inner voice I kept hearing in my mind, was one of the most important things I had to learn as I started my healing. Are you familiar with the concept of F.O.G.? This stands for Fear, Obligation and Guilt, tools that can be used to control and manipulate other people. You can read more about it here:

Emotional Blackmail: Fear, Obligation and Guilt (FOG)

[j.me]

Thanks for the link Kwamima

I have had a hard time finding a therapist that helps me. My last therapist was very validating, but she didn't seem to have any practical solutions for my problems. The one I have now is, I believe, the best I've had yet. I've seen her since my last post in this thread, and I'm feeling much more hopeful about therapy.