Buddhism for non's

[icecream]

Do members of this board have experiences or knowledge about Buddhism?

How this helped for healing and perhaps somehow leaded to our current pain?

I'm not an expert nor practicer but as for all my life i'm intrested in the filosophy of Buddism.

I'm compassionate, patient, realistic, aware of my own and others flaws, possitive minded,... and i'm thinking my nature was a perfect setting for my expwBPD who could eventually manipulate me and my goodness.

I was too patient, i was too compassionate, i was too good for her... and here is my flaw: not good enough for myself!

Buddhism teaches us:

The first truth is that life is suffering i.e., life includes pain, getting old, disease, and ultimately death. We also endure psychological suffering like loneliness frustration, fear, embarrassment, disappointment and anger. This is an irrefutable fact that cannot be denied. It is realistic rather than pessimistic because pessimism is expecting things to be bad. lnstead, Buddhism explains how suffering can be avoided and how we can be truly happy.

The second truth is that suffering is caused by craving and aversion. We will suffer if we expect other people to conform to our expectation, if we want others to like us, if we do not get something we want,etc. In other words, getting what you want does not guarantee happiness. Rather than constantly struggling to get what you want, try to modify your wanting. Wanting deprives us of contentment and happiness.

The third truth is that suffering can be overcome and happiness can be attained; that true happiness and contentment are possible. lf we give up useless craving and learn to live each day at a time (not dwelling in the past or the imagined future) then we can become happy and free. We then have more time and energy to help others. This is Nirvana.

The fourth is: focussing the mind on being fully aware of our thoughts and actions, and developing wisdom by understanding the Four Noble Truths and by developing compassion for others.



So this is were my nature, my life-filosophy and my actions towards my ex sometimes struggle. Because i do believe- taking previous mindset in account-: acceptance, focus on today, take the learnings from yesterday and dont dwell in the past, dont imagine tomorrow and make up stories,... .and mainly; Be your best friend, accept yourself and others and be realistic! Birds cant swim, horses cant fly, people with disorders are able to work on their behaviours but they need to be willing to live a more happier life. Doesnt mean they are allowed to distroy others... .We can walk away from things that makes us unhappy.

[Tiepje3]

I have discovered Buddhism by listening to Ajahn Brahm (Youtube videos). He simplifies life with his lectures. Love the guy, funny, witty and very true. I've been downloading his videos and listened to them while walking the dog for an hour for the past two weeks. It has calmed me down.

I do not own my past.

I cannot change the past, I cannot change the future, because the future is created NOW.

Be thankful for difficult people, because they teach you what you do not want and how you can grow from their difficult behaviour.

And more of the same... .

Anyway... .it keeps me grounded, because after two months of total NC I still feel the need to scream more often than not. I need my life simplified and this helps.

[icecream]

Thank you for your reply, surely going to look for that person on youtube.

I'm glad you feel the same way and this is my goal too;

calming, living in today, learnings you take for a life-time from difficult people, being grounded... .and yes anger and screaming needs to be vented too: would love to work on that for myself aswell. Turning this anger into something possitive like physical working out and have the benefits of that... how does that sound 

[Mutt]

Do members of this board have experiences or knowledge about Buddhism?

How this helped for healing and perhaps somehow leaded to our current pain?

Search for a member called LettingGo14 He's got a lot of stuff on his healing with a b/u from pwBPD and Buddhism  

[icecream]

Thanks Mutt! Will look for him 

[Mutt]

Thanks Mutt! Will look for him 

You're welcome. I'd hate that you may not find him. Very good stuff

https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?action=profile;u=64400;sa=showPosts

[Leaving]

Hello,

There are different schools of Buddhism just like there are different religions in Christianity but there are many paths to truth.  I began studying and practicing Buddhism about ten years ago and while, I'm not Buddhist, I still apply the principles of Zen Buddhism to my daily life- even my cooking!  I believe that no matter what we choose to study, it should inspire us to think more deeply about our values and our interconnectedness in life.  Of course we must be be careful not to extract isolated verses and take them out of context.   I've known Christians that extract a single verse from the Bible that seems to apply to them in that moment. But, if that person were to examine the verse in its proper context, they may find that it may not apply to them at all or that it holds even deeper meaning and wisdom for them. 

I like Taoism as well

Mindfulness: 

One of the teachings of Buddhism is to live in the present moment. This doesn't mean that we avoid acknowledging anything  from our past or that we forget about our mistakes. We should acknowledge both the joy and the suffering of our past because they are stepping stones to our spiritual growth and development in this moment.  The key is to be aware of how the past affects our perception of everything in this moment.  Is it clouding our mind and preventing us from experiencing this moment naturally and fully or maybe we recognize that we gleaned wisdom from a past experience that is helping us to create a better day today. This is what living mindfully is all about.  When we are experiencing feelings of 'love' we can ask ourselves if it's physical attraction, spiritual attraction or rooted in a need for attention or affection because we are lonely.  Is our need healthy or rooted in a painful past?  Am I really hungry because I need nourishment or am I just stuffing myself for some other reason?   Maybe we ask ourselves if the love we give and receive is unconditional or conditional.  When we are suffering, we ask ourselves why we are feeling hurt or anger. Are we hurting proportionately to this hurtful event in this moment or are we being triggered by repeated negativity from our past or because it's just a natural part of grieving this loss?  It's not wrong to over-react to repeated negativity since it's proportional to the repeats but the key is to be aware when we are so that we can recognize this isn't healthy and then say, ' Hey, I'm sick of this, it's wrong to live this way and I need to make changes to end it'.   Mindfulness creates awareness which the key to spiritual growth and living a happy life. Awareness makes it possible for us to choose what we want to keep and what we need to remove, what we can change and what we can't.   

My BPD husband says that he is a Buddhist but he has a double standard for the teachings and he takes them out of context and uses them against me and other people all the time.  When I have attempted to resolve the many conflicts in our marriage and business due to his repeated abuses of finances and other things, he accuses me of living in the past, being bitter, holding grudges, being negative and only wanting to remember and see the bad in him.   He even went so far as to tell me that there is no such thing as a repeat because the past doesn't matter and so whatever he does today is just for today and that I should not think about all the other times he's done the same thing.  He reminds me of a Christian that says that they can keep repeating the same sin because G-d will forgive them anyway.  If that were true, then there would be no need for a hell, right?  Makes no sense to me.  If my husband's perceptions were not so disturbing, I would find his reasoning to be insanely hilarious.  He has absolutely no desire to acknowledge anything from his past ( except the good stuff) and therefore continually repeats self destructive bad habits that harm me and others.  He wakes up like a happy Buddha with a clean slate and the arrogance of a despotic demon ready to repeat knowing that he can avoid yesterday and forget about it tomorrow.  Of course this way of apply the Buddhist wisdom works for him but it's terribly abusive and harmful to those who work and live with him. 

" This is the best of the worst that could be happening to me right now"  is my daily mantra- even in my darkest moments.  This mantra gives me a hopeful place to work from no matter how sad or angry or defeated I feel.  Things can always get much much worse.  So, always count your blessings and take inventory of what you do have that gives you strength to persevere. 

You may want to read :

A Path with Heart by Jack Kornfield

Chop Wood Carry Water by Rick Fields

For daily inspiration, you can join Daily Om for free.  I get their daily wisdom and daily inspiration emails every day.

One of my favorite books is  ' The Tao of Poo' by Benjamin Hoff and his other book, ' The Te of Piglet'

And for a super-charged challenge in mindfulness in relationships:   Love, Freedom and Aloneness  by Osho

[Mutt]

Thanks for sharing. I follow daily zen https://twitter.com/dailyzen for daily inspirations.

I'd like to share a post on social media today. Since I began this journey on bpdfamily.com I make a conscious effort to learn something new each day and this post hit home.

For me, I am driven by two main philospophies: know more today about the world than I knew yesterday and lessen the suffering of others. You'd be surprised how far that gets you - Neil deGrasse Tyson

[Leaving]

Thanks Mutt,

I'm not so sure I want to know more about the world today... hahahha!  But, I do want to create joy wherever I am :D


The saddest thing about living with my BP husband was that his slant on life was to make me unhappy and angry and it was truly so deflating and difficult for me to rise above it and maintain peace in my mind and heart.  Exhausting actually.

You might enjoy the Insight Timer.  I have it on my iphone.  I absolutely love it and use it for so many things like cooking, timing my watering and other things besides meditation. 

[icecream]

Thank you both for your inspirational words and suggestions on books and websites!

Stay close to yourself, your nature and in the moment on our path to healing and letting go of what can't be fixed is my goal. I'm going to focus on that, read about mindfullness and the Buddhist way of thinking. It can be so simple in our confussed and messed up relationships with pwBPD that we need to bring ourself to our feet on the ground and simplify things instead of mental games.

Answers are in our face, we just need to open our eyes 

Thank you Leaving and Mutt

[SlyQQ]

 We can walk away from things that makes us unhappy. I think mastering buddhism means nothing can make you unhappy ( only yourself ) so you cant walk away from it or maybe even regard it as a step to enlightenment personally i might walk away lifes to short ( budhist joke )