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Author Topic: Are they all very childish in nature?  (Read 3062 times)
Xidion
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« on: December 10, 2014, 04:47:07 PM »

My exBPD was very childish. A lot of her interests, behaviour, etc. She would wine when something was wrong. She was selfish I'm a childish way. She loved hello kitty at age 22. Honestly, nearly everything she did was childish in nature. Was this the same for you?
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« Reply #1 on: December 10, 2014, 05:09:57 PM »

My ex was child-like in his nature, not his interests.  He was mostly interested in guns.  But he dealt with life in such a child-like way, so helpless.  And if challenged he wanted to blame everyone else, no accountability, no emotional regulation.  Much like my s10.  And no capacity to have conflicting thoughts (hence the black and white thinking) which is very immature.  I mentioned on another thread not too long ago, I felt like I was his teddy bear, an object of affection.
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« Reply #2 on: December 10, 2014, 08:01:51 PM »

yes. And when he was trying to act nice (be on good behaviour) he even had a baby voice. Luckily, he rarely used this with me... .it sounded so incredibly insincere, and it's such a turn off.  He too was helpless and yet so vengeful.  Watch out, these people hold grudges.  It's not so bad if little kids are angry with you, but adults with the minds of little kids, that can hurt.
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« Reply #3 on: December 10, 2014, 08:21:31 PM »

LOL

Mine was 31 and still loved Hello Kitty. 

I don't think having "childish interests" is a fair qualifier for determining whether someone has a PD.  We all have our quirks.  I still love childish stuff like Star Wars and Batman too, and I think everyone does. 

Now, if we're talking "childish behaviour" -- that's a different story. 

Mine behaved like a 3-year-old if the slightest thing upset her.  She would never scream and rage - but she'd pout, withhold affection, and employ the silent treatment.  I think those are actually worse than screaming. 
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« Reply #4 on: December 10, 2014, 09:05:55 PM »

Mine behaved like a 3-year-old if the slightest thing upset her.  She would never scream and rage - but she'd pout, withhold affection, and employ the silent treatment.  I think those are actually worse than screaming. 

Bingo!
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« Reply #5 on: December 10, 2014, 09:21:19 PM »

LOL

Mine was 31 and still loved Hello Kitty. 

I don't think having "childish interests" is a fair qualifier for determining whether someone has a PD.  We all have our quirks.  I still love childish stuff like Star Wars and Batman too, and I think everyone does. 

Now, if we're talking "childish behaviour" -- that's a different story. 

Mine behaved like a 3-year-old if the slightest thing upset her.  She would never scream and rage - but she'd pout, withhold affection, and employ the silent treatment.  I think those are actually worse than screaming. 

Mine did the same, plus when she was upset she'd make a big show of moving here things to storage. No arguments, she'd just start taking things out. Kinda like a little kid taking his ball and going home, "I'll show you! "
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« Reply #6 on: December 10, 2014, 10:10:26 PM »

I learned late in the relationship is that he looked at porn, which I consider a childish interest. Other than that, from what I saw, he wasn't childish in his interests or when it came down to a lot of things in life actually. I thought he was more mature than a lot of guys, which is one of the things I really liked about him. Now that I know that pw/BPD tend to act like whoever they think you want them to be, I guess everything that I thought was true, wasn't, necessarily

When it came down to our arguments though he could turn very childish and immature, from being rude careless, saying mean things out of anger to try to hurt me, to picking apart my words as an attempt to prove me wrong, to going tit for tat and NEVER being "the bigger person" That was always my job (and I'm proud to say I did it well!) He could have such a sh!tty attitude... .sarcasm, and talking down to me. Saying and doing things that, to a healthy minded person, seem so ridiculous and extreme... .I guess that's part of their impulsiveness and lack of ability to control their emotions. He would just fire things off without thinking, or caring (or both).  I guess I can overall describe it as emotional immaturity that often came across very childish.

You look at them and see the body of an adult, so you expect adult behavior. When you get the words and actions of a small child it's just hard to believe. No one expects that. It makes sense though when you think that for many pw/BPD, emotional/mental maturing was suppressed and untimately ceased at these young ages. They are mentally and emotionally stuck in their childhood.
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« Reply #7 on: December 10, 2014, 10:20:44 PM »

You look at them and see the body of an adult, so you expect adult behavior. When you get the words and actions of a small child it's just hard to believe. No one expects that. It makes sense though when you think that for many pw/BPD, emotional/mental maturing was suppressed and untimately ceased at these young ages. They are mentally and emotionally stuck in their childhood.

As UNfunny as the disorder is, after I made the child in an adults body analogy i couldn't help but to think of one of my favorite movies... .

www.m.youtube.com/watch?v=jKMK3XGO27k
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« Reply #8 on: December 10, 2014, 11:03:36 PM »

LOL

Mine was 31 and still loved Hello Kitty. 

I don't think having "childish interests" is a fair qualifier for determining whether someone has a PD.  We all have our quirks.  I still love childish stuff like Star Wars and Batman too, and I think everyone does. 

Now, if we're talking "childish behaviour" -- that's a different story. 

Mine behaved like a 3-year-old if the slightest thing upset her.  She would never scream and rage - but she'd pout, withhold affection, and employ the silent treatment.  I think those are actually worse than screaming. 

did we date the same woman? hahaha. jk... .
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« Reply #9 on: December 10, 2014, 11:18:02 PM »



I've actually been lurking at this forum for awhile:

www.psychforums.com/borderline-personality/

It's a forum for people who have BPD, so you can kind of look inside their heads a bit.  It's either really helpful, or really confusing.  I'm not sure which yet. 

One thing is almost certain:  ALL of these people are unbelievably screwed up.  There is no fixing them.  They will be like this forever. 
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« Reply #10 on: December 10, 2014, 11:20:58 PM »

I've actually been lurking at this forum for awhile:

www.psychforums.com/borderline-personality/

It's a forum for people who have BPD, so you can kind of look inside their heads a bit.  It's either really helpful, or really confusing.  I'm not sure which yet. 

One thing is almost certain:  ALL of these people are unbelievably screwed up.  There is no fixing them.  They will be like this forever. 

not true. my first BPDgf has made TONS of progress over the last few years of extensive therapy. she is my go to because she has been inside of the abyss that we stare into... .
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« Reply #11 on: December 11, 2014, 02:01:28 AM »

Our daughter is five now. She is currently outgrowing her mom when it comes to patience and social skills. It's true.

When something goes wrong she tries it another way. Her mom never did that. She just hits harder until something breaks.
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« Reply #12 on: December 11, 2014, 05:36:50 AM »

Childish? Well, not in her interests. At baseline emotional state she was more like an adventurous, rebelling teenager in a 35 years old woman's body. When triggered or had to deal with issues, regressed back to somewhere between 3-5 years.
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« Reply #13 on: December 11, 2014, 06:24:52 AM »

I have said many that I truly believe my exh stopped maturing at age 13.

His behavior and ability to communicate, reason, have empathy, compromise, etc is the same as trying to get a spoiled, entitled 13 year old boy to cooperate.

Stomping feet, slamming doors, throwing things, pounding on walls, screaming OR seething glare and silent treatment.

Doing daily tasks (folding laundry or cleaning up after dinner) and expecting someone to throw a parade and shower him with "good job, you're awesome, etc."

Refuses to see any one else's opinion / ideas because they are 'stupid'.

I could go on... .

I've been told this is a real condition "arrested development". That for some there was a traumatic event in their lives at the age they stopped maturing (like a sexual assault, etc).

I don't know, but it's exhausting being the only adult in the family!

I am glad, those days, are over.
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« Reply #14 on: December 11, 2014, 06:39:45 AM »

The thing that I still can't wrap my brain around is she's very high functioning. Successful in her career. Then again she never works with the same people. Just weird
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« Reply #15 on: December 11, 2014, 06:47:16 AM »

The thing that I still can't wrap my brain around is she's very high functioning. Successful in her career. Then again she never works with the same people. Just weird

Socioeconomic background, one of the world's most functioning and largest labour market with quite liberal attitude compared to other parts of the globe.  
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« Reply #16 on: December 11, 2014, 06:49:07 AM »

Oh yes I know this game.  Mine would go from a hypomanic 8 year old singing little songs in a child's voice to the petulant teenager.  It was a moving target from one kid to another.  I wonder if it is related to when certain traumas happened in their past?  Her dad is the same way.  He is 65 and plays with toys and thinks his wife needs to take care of everything for him.
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« Reply #17 on: December 11, 2014, 06:52:40 AM »

My ex often spoke in a seductive childish voice. Most of the time she had the maturity level of a extremely thoughtful teenager. When she felt safe she was very childlike in nature. When she was triggered she would revert back to a 3 year old. For most of the relationship it felt like the magic of childhood again.  :)uring devaluing she had the vindictiveness of a selfish child.
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« Reply #18 on: December 11, 2014, 07:17:14 AM »

¥¥¥¥¥
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« Reply #19 on: December 11, 2014, 07:18:31 AM »

My exBPD was very childish. A lot of her interests, behaviour, etc. She would wine when something was wrong. She was selfish I'm a childish way. She loved hello kitty at age 22. Honestly, nearly everything she did was childish in nature. Was this the same for you?

Yeah... .mine had a lot of child-like traits which I found endearing... .but I was in the fog and did not see how the immature "behavior" was pervasive in all things for her... .the way she cheated and ran off  my baggage  and just blamed, lied and was totally unaccountable for ANYTHING. She was like a spoiled little 3-year old. I'm sure she still is. And I am still dumbfounded by that, yet, if I was more observant, it was always right there in front of me. I just thought that the tables would never turn on me. "Not me?"  I was "special" to her after all... .wasn't I?    
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« Reply #20 on: December 11, 2014, 07:26:39 AM »

My exBPD was very childish. A lot of her interests, behaviour, etc. She would wine when something was wrong. She was selfish I'm a childish way. She loved hello kitty at age 22. Honestly, nearly everything she did was childish in nature. Was this the same for you?

Yeah... .mine had a lot of child-like traits which I found endearing... .but I was in the fog and did not see how the immature "behavior" was pervasive in all things for her... .the way she cheated and ran off  my baggage  and just blamed, lied and was totally unaccountable for ANYTHING. She was like a spoiled little 3-year old. I'm sure she still is. And I am still dumbfounded by that, yet, if I was more observant, it was always right there in front of me. I just thought that the tables would never turn on me. "Not me?"  I was "special" to her after all... .wasn't I?    

You were special too?  They are good at sucking us into their web. I absolutely found it unthinkable that she was capable of cheating. Yet another lesson learned. Too soon old, too late wise.
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« Reply #21 on: December 11, 2014, 07:37:31 AM »

they often have a good facade but when it breaks under pressure it all comes flooding out even crying for there mommy
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« Reply #22 on: December 11, 2014, 07:56:20 AM »

My exBPD was very childish. A lot of her interests, behaviour, etc. She would wine when something was wrong. She was selfish I'm a childish way. She loved hello kitty at age 22. Honestly, nearly everything she did was childish in nature. Was this the same for you?

Yeah... .mine had a lot of child-like traits which I found endearing... .but I was in the fog and did not see how the immature "behavior" was pervasive in all things for her... .the way she cheated and ran off  my baggage  and just blamed, lied and was totally unaccountable for ANYTHING. She was like a spoiled little 3-year old. I'm sure she still is. And I am still dumbfounded by that, yet, if I was more observant, it was always right there in front of me. I just thought that the tables would never turn on me. "Not me?"  I was "special" to her after all... .wasn't I?    

You were special too?  They are good at sucking us into their web. I absolutely found it unthinkable that she was capable of cheating. Yet another lesson learned. Too soon old, too late wise.

Opening our eyes and facing the painful reality is brutal!
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« Reply #23 on: December 11, 2014, 08:09:10 AM »

It does suck to realize the person we thought was perfect at first could turn out to be so cold and hateful.
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« Reply #24 on: December 11, 2014, 08:58:46 AM »

Yes my pwBPD was very childish as a 27 yr old. He was 3 years my minor I should have known better. I would tell him that he had a temper tantrum like a child when he didn't get his way. He would always hit me on my butt when we were at the store(so embarrassing). At times he would switch child role to father mode and try to scold me for the silliest things. Once I asked him to apologize to me for some hurtful things he said and he looked at me with no emotion in his eyes and said "I don't reward bad behavior." What the heck?

He also slept with a baby blanket his grandma gave him. Reminded me of a Lil boy yearning for attention from a parent.

I get so angry even thinking about this but its helping me cope.
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« Reply #25 on: December 11, 2014, 11:42:08 AM »

Yes, my husband is very immature and child-like.  I think that one of the reasons I was attracted to him was his gentle shy demeanor but of course my perception was 'off' and I didn't realize what I was really seeing at the time. 

He's not into Hello Kitty thank goodness  but for a man who is age 50, he's quite unsophisticated in his taste and very juvenile.  He always chooses the most immature way to dress.  I can't really describe it but he looks like a grown man in a young boy's outfit.  Strange.  He also buys things that small children would like, not adults which I did notice in the beginning of our relationship because he bought me a ring with a very juvenile heart on it.  The ring was meant for a young girl, not a grown woman. It was even so tiny that I could barely see it on my finger.  I didn't say anything and I treasured the ring but that was just the beginning of many strange disappointments in his gift giving- some of them really hurt my feelings.  One Christmas I wanted a very special snow globe.  It was so incredibly beautiful and meaningful to me and he knew I collected them.  When Christmas arrived, I opened my package and he had decided to give me what HE liked ( he told me this) which was a small child's music figurine of baby rabbits.  It was the perfect gift for a very young girl.  What hurt me was that he didn't acknowledge at all what I liked or what made me happy.  Everything was always about him and what made him happy.  I asked him about the snow globe and he lied and told me the shop didn't have it any longer.  A few days after Christmas I went by the shop and it was still sitting on the shelf. 

On the topic of Christmas- oh gosh.  If he had his way, our decorations would give someone the impression that we had small children in the house.  It's been very difficult to evolve as a mature woman with mature tastes because he really doesn't understand that part of maturing at all and I've outgrown him by leaps and bounds.  Once in an angry fit, I told him that I was 53 and wanted to live like a woman my age and he got so angry and accused me of acting like I was old and told me that age was just in my mind.  He just doesn't get it! 

He still behaves like a small child when he eats as well.  He will put vegetables in his mouth but won't swallow.

Not long ago he came home with stained glass framed picture of a flower and he showed it to me.  It was from a yard sale and he told me what a great deal he got for such an expensive item. When he showed it to me I was speechless because it wasn't stained glass at all.  It was a child's art project ( paint on an empty picture frame) and there were smears and mistakes and places where the paint was scratched off the glass.  The frame was broken. It's so hideous that I wondered why in the world he would buy such a thing. He latched on to it like a million dollars.  It was really sort of sad observing his attachment to this picture. 

He never has mature male friends.  All of his ' friends' are in their mid twenties or early 30's and he always wanted me to go out to dinner with them and their girlfriends.  On the few occasions that I did, I felt like I was with my two adult kids! I could have been their mother!  The waitress even thought they were my kids.   Nothing against young folks but I would like to hang out with people my own age!
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« Reply #26 on: December 11, 2014, 03:44:15 PM »

Childish? Well, not in her interests. At baseline emotional state she was more like an adventurous, rebelling teenager in a 35 years old woman's body. When triggered or had to deal with issues, regressed back to somewhere between 3-5 years.

This is spooky and describes my ex perfectly . She is 30 but back in the summer she started inviting a 19 yr old girl round the house that my ex used to baby sit . As they stayed freinds then her mate came round and so on before I knew it Id come home from work and find all these teenagers I'm the house drinking beer and watching my tv ! I asked my ex what the hell is goin on and she said they are my mates If you dont like it there's the door ! We had an argument over it to the point I did leave ! She actually stuck up for them and put them first this carried on for 2 months .she was always desperate to have freinds as she always fell out with them (BPD) I got a call from our neighbour saying she was in a bad way ! Went back to the house it was trashed she had got hooked on drugs and everyone had left her it took me 3 months to sort her out she just lost it . Why do they do these things she is so easy influenced hence that's why she is now my ex she started hanging out with another group and I can see it coming again . She with a new guy now who is involved with them into drugs goin out partying all weekend etc but she doesn't seem to learn and I'm glad I'm out of it all .
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« Reply #27 on: December 11, 2014, 04:22:37 PM »

Yes my pwBPD was very childish as a 27 yr old. He was 3 years my minor I should have known better. I would tell him that he had a temper tantrum like a child when he didn't get his way. He would always hit me on my butt when we were at the store(so embarrassing). At times he would switch child role to father mode and try to scold me for the silliest things. Once I asked him to apologize to me for some hurtful things he said and he looked at me with no emotion in his eyes and said "I don't reward bad behavior." What the heck?

He also slept with a baby blanket his grandma gave him. Reminded me of a Lil boy yearning for attention from a parent.

I get so angry even thinking about this but its helping me cope.

Wait... wait... .this grown man was sleeping with a baby blanket?

Didn't you think that that was a     GIANT RED FLAG?  

It's amazing what we tolerate.
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« Reply #28 on: December 11, 2014, 08:30:19 PM »

Wait... wait... .this grown man was sleeping with a baby blanket?

Didn't you think that that was a     GIANT RED FLAG?  

It's amazing what we tolerate.

Laugh out loud (click to insert in post) yes! He said the blanket was sentimental because his grandmother sent it to him.
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« Reply #29 on: December 11, 2014, 09:33:34 PM »

LOL

Mine was 31 and still loved Hello Kitty.  

I don't think having "childish interests" is a fair qualifier for determining whether someone has a PD.  We all have our quirks.  I still love childish stuff like Star Wars and Batman too, and I think everyone does.  

Now, if we're talking "childish behaviour" -- that's a different story.  

Mine behaved like a 3-year-old if the slightest thing upset her.  She would never scream and rage - but she'd pout, withhold affection, and employ the silent treatment.  I think those are actually worse than screaming.  

Mine did the same, plus when she was upset she'd make a big show of moving here things to storage. No arguments, she'd just start taking things out. Kinda like a little kid taking his ball and going home, "I'll show you! "

WOW mine did the same thing! And would take things away he had bought for me.

Sometimes he asked me to explain things to him like a 5 year old (wrt why I couldn't see him prior to my divorce)

He often cried when he was sad. I thought he was sensitive.

I saved voicemails from him, 3 I believe. One he was sweet, one he was mean, one he cried so hard I couldn't understand him. You'd never know they were the same person. I saved them to remind me how bad it was.

He was just like a kid when he was around his nieces and nephews and friends kids. I just thought he loved kids.
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« Reply #30 on: December 11, 2014, 10:38:29 PM »

Wait... wait... .this grown man was sleeping with a baby blanket?

Didn't you think that that was a     GIANT RED FLAG?  

It's amazing what we tolerate.

Laugh out loud (click to insert in post) yes! He said the blanket was sentimental because his grandmother sent it to him.

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« Reply #31 on: December 11, 2014, 10:40:46 PM »

Wait... wait... .this grown man was sleeping with a baby blanket?

Didn't you think that that was a     GIANT RED FLAG?  

It's amazing what we tolerate.

Laugh out loud (click to insert in post) yes! He said the blanket was sentimental because his grandmother sent it to him.

It's interesting how we can be accepting of our partner to a fault and they cheat on us and paint us black. There is some serious codependency in there somewhere.
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« Reply #32 on: December 11, 2014, 10:59:53 PM »

Wait... wait... .this grown man was sleeping with a baby blanket?

Didn't you think that that was a     GIANT RED FLAG?  

It's amazing what we tolerate.

Laugh out loud (click to insert in post) yes! He said the blanket was sentimental because his grandmother sent it to him.

It's interesting how we can be accepting of our partner to a fault and they cheat on us and paint us black. There is some serious codependency in there somewhere.

No doubt about the codependency
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« Reply #33 on: December 12, 2014, 12:41:25 AM »

they often have a good facade but when it breaks under pressure it all comes flooding out

even crying for there mommy

I'm glad someone else has said this about ther ex . I thought it was just my ex that said that when she was stressed or very upset . My ex hated her mum I mean really hated her but I remember more than one occasion if we had a massive argument and I'd really pushed it to get the truth of a lie she told or made her break she would kneel down crying in such a way (lost child ) saying I want my mum , I want my mum . Another time she was rocking back and forth slightly sobbing for her nan and grandad (raised her till she was 6) the other one when stressed was the same crying but loudly saying

Why does everybody leave me , why , why !

She done it a few times in the phone to at first I found it strange but got used to it after a while .

Do you think she is likely to be like this with my replacment ? Do you think he will witness this ? It's times like this I wonder if it was me that upset her that much and feel really bad or is it just the disorder any views on this please ?
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« Reply #34 on: December 12, 2014, 12:46:00 AM »

they often have a good facade but when it breaks under pressure it all comes flooding out

even crying for there mommy

I'm glad someone else has said this about ther ex . I thought it was just my ex that said that when she was stressed or very upset . My ex hated her mum I mean really hated her but I remember more than one occasion if we had a massive argument and I'd really pushed it to get the truth of a lie she told or made her break she would kneel down crying in such a way (lost child ) saying I want my mum , I want my mum . Another time she was rocking back and forth slightly sobbing for her nan and grandad (raised her till she was 6) the other one when stressed was the same crying but loudly saying

Why does everybody leave me , why , why !

She done it a few times in the phone to at first I found it strange but got used to it after a while .

Do you think she is likely to be like this with my replacment ? Do you think he will witness this ? It's times like this I wonder if it was me that upset her that much and feel really bad or is it just the disorder any views on this please ?

She's going to do this with every replacement.
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« Reply #35 on: December 12, 2014, 12:57:24 AM »

they often have a good facade but when it breaks under pressure it all comes flooding out

even crying for there mommy

I'm glad someone else has said this about ther ex . I thought it was just my ex that said that when she was stressed or very upset . My ex hated her mum I mean really hated her but I remember more than one occasion if we had a massive argument and I'd really pushed it to get the truth of a lie she told or made her break she would kneel down crying in such a way (lost child ) saying I want my mum , I want my mum . Another time she was rocking back and forth slightly sobbing for her nan and grandad (raised her till she was 6) the other one when stressed was the same crying but loudly saying

Why does everybody leave me , why , why !

She done it a few times in the phone to at first I found it strange but got used to it after a while .

Do you think she is likely to be like this with my replacment ? Do you think he will witness this ? It's times like this I wonder if it was me that upset her that much and feel really bad or is it just the disorder any views on this please ?

She's going to do this with every replacement.

So do you think she is likely to be at her emotional base line for a while then start ? What is an emotional base line anyway ? I sort of understand is it they act normal infront of ther new partners until something triggers them then Ther emotionial cycle starts ?
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« Reply #36 on: December 12, 2014, 01:02:30 AM »

they often have a good facade but when it breaks under pressure it all comes flooding out

even crying for there mommy

I'm glad someone else has said this about ther ex . I thought it was just my ex that said that when she was stressed or very upset . My ex hated her mum I mean really hated her but I remember more than one occasion if we had a massive argument and I'd really pushed it to get the truth of a lie she told or made her break she would kneel down crying in such a way (lost child ) saying I want my mum , I want my mum . Another time she was rocking back and forth slightly sobbing for her nan and grandad (raised her till she was 6) the other one when stressed was the same crying but loudly saying

Why does everybody leave me , why , why !

She done it a few times in the phone to at first I found it strange but got used to it after a while .

Do you think she is likely to be like this with my replacment ? Do you think he will witness this ? It's times like this I wonder if it was me that upset her that much and feel really bad or is it just the disorder any views on this please ?

She's going to do this with every replacement.

What gets me is after a break up then find replacement straight away how can they act so normal surly they must be withholding all the upset ,guilt ,blame etc from the previous relationship ? I'm sure with every relaitionship that fails it must make them worse ?
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« Reply #37 on: December 12, 2014, 01:04:22 AM »

They learn a lot of coping behaviours as they grow older the older they are the less likely they are to break an reveal this part of themselves it is part of the BPD camoflage something they will not willingly reveal even late in a relationship ( to some extents BPDs have to convince even themselves they are in control) Hence it only manifests under stress depending on the person this may have to be severe
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« Reply #38 on: December 12, 2014, 01:17:11 AM »

They learn a lot of coping behaviours as they grow older the older

they are the less likely they are to break an reveal this part of

themselves it is part of the BPD camoflage something they will

not willingly reveal even late in a relationship ( to some extents

BPDs have to convince even themselves they are in control)

Hence it only manifests under stress depending on the person this

may have to be severe

So just to be clear on this what your saying is depending on how paitcent and caring ther partners are the least likely they are to show it ? My replacement so I've heard is very laid back kinda guy . But then so was I to start with I got less paitcent over time because she would always argue she was right . I just some times think it was me that helped the relaitionship fail a lot quicker !
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« Reply #39 on: December 12, 2014, 01:30:20 AM »

They learn a lot of coping behaviours as they grow older the older

they are the less likely they are to break an reveal this part of

themselves it is part of the BPD camoflage something they will

not willingly reveal even late in a relationship ( to some extents

BPDs have to convince even themselves they are in control)

Hence it only manifests under stress depending on the person this

may have to be severe

So just to be clear on this what your saying is depending on how paitcent and caring ther partners are the least likely they are to show it ? My replacement so I've heard is very laid back kinda guy . But then so was I to start with I got less paitcent over time because she would always argue she was right . I just some times think it was me that helped the relaitionship fail a lot quicker !

We all start out nothing like them but as time passes, we start to pick up their traits. He will end up just like you in time... .
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« Reply #40 on: December 12, 2014, 01:50:27 AM »

They learn a lot of coping behaviours as they grow older the older

they are the less likely they are to break an reveal this part of

themselves it is part of the BPD camoflage something they will

not willingly reveal even late in a relationship ( to some extents

BPDs have to convince even themselves they are in control)

Hence it only manifests under stress depending on the person this

may have to be severe

So just to be clear on this what your saying is depending on how paitcent and caring ther partners are the least likely they are to show it ? My replacement so I've heard is very laid back kinda guy . But then so was I to start with I got less paitcent over time because she would always argue she was right . I just some times think it was me that helped the relaitionship fail a lot quicker !

We all start out nothing like them but as time passes, we start to pick up their traits. He will end up just like you in time... .

Just having a bad day I suppose really miss her today . I'm sure I'm not the only one on here that has said the same things like if I'd of understood more about BPD I could of reacted different etc I just feel crap when all she says to me now is I shouted at her to much and she is scared of me now but he's not like that . I was never that person when we met .
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« Reply #41 on: December 12, 2014, 01:55:36 AM »

I also keep reminding myself aswell that they only been together a month ! The first 4 months of our relationship was great . It does kill me aswell that he is more suited to her disorder if that makes any sense . He doesn't work so can spend the time with her and give her that attention plus he likes goin out a lot more drinking clubbing etc and is exciting were as I was always working to provide etc
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« Reply #42 on: December 12, 2014, 02:01:01 AM »

I also keep reminding myself aswell that they only been together a month ! The first 4 months of our relationship was great . It does kill me aswell that he is more suited to her disorder if that makes any sense . He doesn't work so can spend the time with her and give her that attention plus he likes goin out a lot more drinking clubbing etc and is exciting were as I was always working to provide etc

Don't get yourself too wrapped up in that. Remember this: You work and provide. This is something that a real woman capable of a real relationship should be looking for in a man. You have something that will find you a good woman if you're patient. The person you were with just wanted attention Like a child. There are many beautiful woman looking for a man who can support a family. And let's get real with ourselves. What do we want in life? Obviously to find someone to settle down with and make a family. That's why we are so devastated when these relationships end... because we believe we've found the one. The FOG is just now starting to clear for me. We deserve someone real.
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« Reply #43 on: December 12, 2014, 02:17:29 AM »

Dont know if this will help split black but i was split as black as they come While i was taking kids on a holiday ex p was planning to disappear with the kids when i travelled back to care for my other children ( week on week of 1k miles away) nanny who looked after kids on weekends an didnt know me (ex said i was abusing her and had to escape) tumbled i was not that person and told me ( my ex at this stage was with her new bf who she planned to marry an have a child with at age 44 despite oh so many issues and setting up a house on the coast all the time texting me how much she loved me an to bear with her ( i believed she was in hospital at this stage be treated for deppression ( didnt know she was BPD then)  when contated ex about this an she found her children and our child did not want to go got hit with an avo before the day was out and told not to contact her ) what followed were death threats ( together with her ex bike boyfriend ) my credit cards ripped this had already started ( i was in some shock ) attempts to frame me for making death threats suicide attempts she through at the kids trying to emotionally blackmail them ( she would text me then them to make sure i read them e.g. found a particullarly gruesome way to kill myself with anti cool and copper phosphate together with two actual suicide attempts ( though these may have been based more around new BF she had no hesitation in laying at me an the childrens feet . 
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« Reply #44 on: December 12, 2014, 02:20:39 AM »

I also keep reminding myself aswell that they only been together a month ! The first 4 months of our relationship was great . It does kill me aswell that he is more suited to her disorder if that makes any sense . He doesn't work so can spend the time with her and give her that attention plus he likes goin out a lot more drinking clubbing etc and is exciting were as I was always working to provide etc

Don't get yourself too wrapped up in that. Remember this: You work and provide. This is something that a real woman capable of a real relationship should be looking for in a man. You have something that will find you a good woman if you're patient. The person you were with just wanted attention Like a child. There are many beautiful woman looking for a man who can support a family. And let's get real with ourselves. What do we want in life? Obviously to find someone to settle down with and make a family. That's why we are so devastated when these relationships end... because we believe we've found the one. The FOG is just now starting to clear for me. We deserve someone real.

Thing is she has 4 kids and seems to go from one extreme to the other with her partners with me it was the hard working family type guy then she wants a go out clubbing drinking staying up all night weekend type relationship and sort of neglects her kids ! I suppose she can't have the sort of life she got now with my replacement forever ! Surly ? It's almost the selfishness in her is like il do what I want till ive had enough then go back to a life that is more settled she always said we didn't do anything exciting but I was under the impression she loved family life now I'm getting the impression she wants the opposite ?
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« Reply #45 on: December 12, 2014, 02:23:23 AM »

there were more blackmail attempts horrendus e-mails sent to my parents levelling all sorts of allegations that she forced her daughter to ring an make sure they would read it any way long story short got through property settlement I look after the kids an am on reasonable terms with ex at moment but no way never no how would i ever consider opening that door again
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« Reply #46 on: December 12, 2014, 02:29:05 AM »

After about three months her new BF was a shattered man he said she had tried to stab him an run him over an they broke up no contact ( after begging me for help yes he did threaten to kill me ) what i am trying to say i know it feels bad ( my brain was on fire for three months) but you are way better off without her
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« Reply #47 on: December 12, 2014, 02:31:43 AM »

It's almost like my ex wants one or the other ! The day before we split she turned round and said I wanted you to come out with me on weekends and have a laugh with my mates . I told her when we got together my days of doin that every weekend were over ive been ther done that in my 20s she seemed happy with that . Also the other thing that is very selfish about her when we split was she was expecting me to still see the kids and be in ther lives and take them out etc whilst she started up a relationship with the new guy ! They are her kids but they did get attached to me and loved me like ther dad I have been the only one who they have been closest to my ex always said how happy that made her as her other exs including ther real father wert ever that close to them .How can someone think like this ? I still cannot get my head around this and never will almost like she was planning on me as a back up by still being in ther lives .
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« Reply #48 on: December 12, 2014, 02:47:24 AM »

She said why should the kids suffer or loose out on seeing me just coz we are not together ! I tried to explain it is not healthy for them and will confuse them one min I'm ther and we are together to them replacement being ther and me ther every now and then . Sheer selfishness ! I swear she was thinking when I'm board of the current guy and crazy weekends she will just pick me up from were we left off ! It's classic BPD she tried making me feel bad because we had plans with the kids hols etc for 2015 and is saying that I'm letting them down and breaking promises to them .just like ther real dad is it me or is any1 else reading this thinking this is unreal ?.
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« Reply #49 on: December 12, 2014, 02:52:33 AM »

They want/do whatever is convienient they have very little memory per se an hence treat people as things that are to be used to help them as neccasary and heaven forfend if you end up getting in there way hope this is clearer
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« Reply #50 on: December 12, 2014, 03:23:08 AM »

I've realised that a person with BPD/NPD has three things in their lives, and almost nothing else.

1. Deep inconsolable pain.

2. A set of obsessions, mine has (2 or 3) which consume their energy and attention both day and night.

3. Their immediate and urgent needs. Food, sex, admiration from others outside the family.

#2 and #3 are an immediate, urgent and temporary response to #1

These are childish things.

There's not much room for adult things like friendship, companionship, enjoyment, relaxation, relationships, socialising, nurturing. If we want these things, we need to look elsewhere. They are simply not available in a relationship with a pwBPD/NPD.
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« Reply #51 on: December 12, 2014, 05:03:53 AM »

they often have a good facade but when it breaks under pressure it all comes flooding out

even crying for there mommy

I'm glad someone else has said this about ther ex . I thought it was just my ex that said that when she was stressed or very upset . My ex hated her mum I mean really hated her but I remember more than one occasion if we had a massive argument and I'd really pushed it to get the truth of a lie she told or made her break she would kneel down crying in such a way (lost child ) saying I want my mum , I want my mum . Another time she was rocking back and forth slightly sobbing for her nan and grandad (raised her till she was 6) the other one when stressed was the same crying but loudly saying

Why does everybody leave me , why , why !

She done it a few times in the phone to at first I found it strange but got used to it after a while .

Do you think she is likely to be like this with my replacment ? Do you think he will witness this ? It's times like this I wonder if it was me that upset her that much and feel really bad or is it just the disorder any views on this please ?

Sounds like that she is exposing her core abandonment trauma. My reading tells me that most/all BPD suffer from childhood emotional/physical trauma at a young age. That is when the (mostly irreparable) damage occurs. Mine had it. Her father caused it. He ran off to another woman when she was 5yrs old. Took the family dog too.  The abandonment destroyed her mother.

I was supportive and empathetic to her regarding this. Didn't matter. Eventually I would be punished for the crime of the father.
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« Reply #52 on: December 12, 2014, 05:09:56 AM »

not sure father committed suicide when BPD in this case was bit over two but also had 6 month old sister compounding issues she also has at times absolutely despised her mother an admitted to being terriffied of her (who is also BPD ) ?
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« Reply #53 on: December 12, 2014, 07:23:24 AM »

She done it a few times in the phone to at first I found it strange but got used to it after a while .

Do you think she is likely to be like this with my replacment ? Do you think he will witness this ? It's times like this I wonder if it was me that upset her that much and feel really bad or is it just the disorder any views on this please ?

Splitblack4good. It must be tough to have to go through that. It sounds like you really care about her.

As the sun follows the moon, she will act out in this way. It may take some time, of honeymoon period etc, but the facade WILL crack and the true personality WILL come out again. That's my humble opinion. It is likely that she will do whatever it takes to keep this truth from you however, and so you keep having this very thought "Was it me?". That is perhaps part of her delusion which you might have accepted. Perhaps you should challenge that?

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« Reply #54 on: December 12, 2014, 07:46:39 AM »

She done it a few times in the phone to at first I found it strange but got used to it after a while .

Do you think she is likely to be like this with my replacment ? Do you think he will witness this ? It's times like this I wonder if it was me that upset her that much and feel really bad or is it just the disorder any views on this please ?

Yes I do still really care about her it doesn't help the fact that she didn't want all my time she often said ther was times that I could of spent with her when I didn't sometimes I was so ground down by her tho I tried to stay away it is difficult the last time I spoke to her she said I abandoned her when I didn't make any effort with her now that hurt ! It doesn't help that my replacment doesn't have a job so he's always with her so all that's doing is highlighting in her mind what she thinks is true about me . Plus he likes goin out at weekends having a laugh also she loves that to I however have had my days of doin that .witch is true to an extent but found this difficult as I was so tied thru working so much and not being able to let ppl down she felt pushed to the bottom . Someone without this disorder would understand this.  however looking back ther were times I did neglect her abit . I had no chance of getting her back shortly after we split up and I ended it but regretted it . But she had him lined up anyway . I remember the day before we broke up she looked at me sadly and said I wish you could come out with me and my freinds and have a laugh I love you but I just wish you had spent time with me it seems like sometimes I wasn't even ther ! Then she said I don't know why but I have a feeling I am going to regret something in 6 months time .you are my best freind and I hope you will remain that way . Then of course I ended it the next day due to an argument .

It was like she was telling me something ?

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« Reply #55 on: December 12, 2014, 07:48:32 AM »

I've heard from her a couple of times few texts but nothing now for nearly 3 days . She has been with him a month .
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« Reply #56 on: December 12, 2014, 07:55:36 AM »

She done it a few times in the phone to at first I found it strange but got used to it after a while .

Do you think she is likely to be like this with my replacment ? Do you think he will witness this ? It's times like this I wonder if it was me that upset her that much and feel really bad or is it just the disorder any views on this please ?

Splitblack4good. It must be tough to have to go through that. It sounds like you really care about her.

As the sun follows the moon, she will act out in this way. It may take some time, of honeymoon period etc, but the facade WILL crack and the true personality WILL come out again. That's my humble opinion. It is likely that she will do whatever it takes to keep this truth from you however, and so you keep having this very thought "Was it me?". That is perhaps part of her delusion which you might have accepted. Perhaps you should challenge that?


[/quote

She sent me one text 3 days ago saying that she was sorry that I bumped into her and my replacement  now I find this strange was she saying sorry because of my feelings and knows that hurt me ? or sorry because it was awkward ? she made it clear he's who she wants to be with and doesn't care bout my feelings but then that was 3 weeks ago . That text I will never understand . She felt the need to say it for some reason ?
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« Reply #57 on: December 12, 2014, 11:23:51 AM »

I've actually been lurking at this forum for awhile:

www.psychforums.com/borderline-personality/

It's a forum for people who have BPD, so you can kind of look inside their heads a bit.  It's either really helpful, or really confusing.  I'm not sure which yet. 

One thing is almost certain:  ALL of these people are unbelievably screwed up.  There is no fixing them.  They will be like this forever. 

WOW! I read through this forum and it brought back so many memories of the experienced I have encountered with my uBPDxbf. A non posted on the site and a pwBPD chewed him out and told him to go to the non forum. This is a very sad illness. My heart goes out to them but I can no long give my heart to them.
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