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VIDEO: "What is parental alienation?" Parental alienation is when a parent allows a child to participate or hear them degrade the other parent. This is not uncommon in divorces and the children often adjust. In severe cases, however, it can be devastating to the child. This video provides a helpful overview.
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Author Topic: Are they all very childish in nature?  (Read 3061 times)
Infared
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« Reply #30 on: December 11, 2014, 10:38:29 PM »

Wait... wait... .this grown man was sleeping with a baby blanket?

Didn't you think that that was a     GIANT RED FLAG?  

It's amazing what we tolerate.

Laugh out loud (click to insert in post) yes! He said the blanket was sentimental because his grandmother sent it to him.

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Infared
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« Reply #31 on: December 11, 2014, 10:40:46 PM »

Wait... wait... .this grown man was sleeping with a baby blanket?

Didn't you think that that was a     GIANT RED FLAG?  

It's amazing what we tolerate.

Laugh out loud (click to insert in post) yes! He said the blanket was sentimental because his grandmother sent it to him.

It's interesting how we can be accepting of our partner to a fault and they cheat on us and paint us black. There is some serious codependency in there somewhere.
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« Reply #32 on: December 11, 2014, 10:59:53 PM »

Wait... wait... .this grown man was sleeping with a baby blanket?

Didn't you think that that was a     GIANT RED FLAG?  

It's amazing what we tolerate.

Laugh out loud (click to insert in post) yes! He said the blanket was sentimental because his grandmother sent it to him.

It's interesting how we can be accepting of our partner to a fault and they cheat on us and paint us black. There is some serious codependency in there somewhere.

No doubt about the codependency
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Splitblack4good
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« Reply #33 on: December 12, 2014, 12:41:25 AM »

they often have a good facade but when it breaks under pressure it all comes flooding out

even crying for there mommy

I'm glad someone else has said this about ther ex . I thought it was just my ex that said that when she was stressed or very upset . My ex hated her mum I mean really hated her but I remember more than one occasion if we had a massive argument and I'd really pushed it to get the truth of a lie she told or made her break she would kneel down crying in such a way (lost child ) saying I want my mum , I want my mum . Another time she was rocking back and forth slightly sobbing for her nan and grandad (raised her till she was 6) the other one when stressed was the same crying but loudly saying

Why does everybody leave me , why , why !

She done it a few times in the phone to at first I found it strange but got used to it after a while .

Do you think she is likely to be like this with my replacment ? Do you think he will witness this ? It's times like this I wonder if it was me that upset her that much and feel really bad or is it just the disorder any views on this please ?
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« Reply #34 on: December 12, 2014, 12:46:00 AM »

they often have a good facade but when it breaks under pressure it all comes flooding out

even crying for there mommy

I'm glad someone else has said this about ther ex . I thought it was just my ex that said that when she was stressed or very upset . My ex hated her mum I mean really hated her but I remember more than one occasion if we had a massive argument and I'd really pushed it to get the truth of a lie she told or made her break she would kneel down crying in such a way (lost child ) saying I want my mum , I want my mum . Another time she was rocking back and forth slightly sobbing for her nan and grandad (raised her till she was 6) the other one when stressed was the same crying but loudly saying

Why does everybody leave me , why , why !

She done it a few times in the phone to at first I found it strange but got used to it after a while .

Do you think she is likely to be like this with my replacment ? Do you think he will witness this ? It's times like this I wonder if it was me that upset her that much and feel really bad or is it just the disorder any views on this please ?

She's going to do this with every replacement.
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Splitblack4good
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« Reply #35 on: December 12, 2014, 12:57:24 AM »

they often have a good facade but when it breaks under pressure it all comes flooding out

even crying for there mommy

I'm glad someone else has said this about ther ex . I thought it was just my ex that said that when she was stressed or very upset . My ex hated her mum I mean really hated her but I remember more than one occasion if we had a massive argument and I'd really pushed it to get the truth of a lie she told or made her break she would kneel down crying in such a way (lost child ) saying I want my mum , I want my mum . Another time she was rocking back and forth slightly sobbing for her nan and grandad (raised her till she was 6) the other one when stressed was the same crying but loudly saying

Why does everybody leave me , why , why !

She done it a few times in the phone to at first I found it strange but got used to it after a while .

Do you think she is likely to be like this with my replacment ? Do you think he will witness this ? It's times like this I wonder if it was me that upset her that much and feel really bad or is it just the disorder any views on this please ?

She's going to do this with every replacement.

So do you think she is likely to be at her emotional base line for a while then start ? What is an emotional base line anyway ? I sort of understand is it they act normal infront of ther new partners until something triggers them then Ther emotionial cycle starts ?
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Splitblack4good
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« Reply #36 on: December 12, 2014, 01:02:30 AM »

they often have a good facade but when it breaks under pressure it all comes flooding out

even crying for there mommy

I'm glad someone else has said this about ther ex . I thought it was just my ex that said that when she was stressed or very upset . My ex hated her mum I mean really hated her but I remember more than one occasion if we had a massive argument and I'd really pushed it to get the truth of a lie she told or made her break she would kneel down crying in such a way (lost child ) saying I want my mum , I want my mum . Another time she was rocking back and forth slightly sobbing for her nan and grandad (raised her till she was 6) the other one when stressed was the same crying but loudly saying

Why does everybody leave me , why , why !

She done it a few times in the phone to at first I found it strange but got used to it after a while .

Do you think she is likely to be like this with my replacment ? Do you think he will witness this ? It's times like this I wonder if it was me that upset her that much and feel really bad or is it just the disorder any views on this please ?

She's going to do this with every replacement.

What gets me is after a break up then find replacement straight away how can they act so normal surly they must be withholding all the upset ,guilt ,blame etc from the previous relationship ? I'm sure with every relaitionship that fails it must make them worse ?
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« Reply #37 on: December 12, 2014, 01:04:22 AM »

They learn a lot of coping behaviours as they grow older the older they are the less likely they are to break an reveal this part of themselves it is part of the BPD camoflage something they will not willingly reveal even late in a relationship ( to some extents BPDs have to convince even themselves they are in control) Hence it only manifests under stress depending on the person this may have to be severe
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Splitblack4good
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« Reply #38 on: December 12, 2014, 01:17:11 AM »

They learn a lot of coping behaviours as they grow older the older

they are the less likely they are to break an reveal this part of

themselves it is part of the BPD camoflage something they will

not willingly reveal even late in a relationship ( to some extents

BPDs have to convince even themselves they are in control)

Hence it only manifests under stress depending on the person this

may have to be severe

So just to be clear on this what your saying is depending on how paitcent and caring ther partners are the least likely they are to show it ? My replacement so I've heard is very laid back kinda guy . But then so was I to start with I got less paitcent over time because she would always argue she was right . I just some times think it was me that helped the relaitionship fail a lot quicker !
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« Reply #39 on: December 12, 2014, 01:30:20 AM »

They learn a lot of coping behaviours as they grow older the older

they are the less likely they are to break an reveal this part of

themselves it is part of the BPD camoflage something they will

not willingly reveal even late in a relationship ( to some extents

BPDs have to convince even themselves they are in control)

Hence it only manifests under stress depending on the person this

may have to be severe

So just to be clear on this what your saying is depending on how paitcent and caring ther partners are the least likely they are to show it ? My replacement so I've heard is very laid back kinda guy . But then so was I to start with I got less paitcent over time because she would always argue she was right . I just some times think it was me that helped the relaitionship fail a lot quicker !

We all start out nothing like them but as time passes, we start to pick up their traits. He will end up just like you in time... .
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Splitblack4good
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« Reply #40 on: December 12, 2014, 01:50:27 AM »

They learn a lot of coping behaviours as they grow older the older

they are the less likely they are to break an reveal this part of

themselves it is part of the BPD camoflage something they will

not willingly reveal even late in a relationship ( to some extents

BPDs have to convince even themselves they are in control)

Hence it only manifests under stress depending on the person this

may have to be severe

So just to be clear on this what your saying is depending on how paitcent and caring ther partners are the least likely they are to show it ? My replacement so I've heard is very laid back kinda guy . But then so was I to start with I got less paitcent over time because she would always argue she was right . I just some times think it was me that helped the relaitionship fail a lot quicker !

We all start out nothing like them but as time passes, we start to pick up their traits. He will end up just like you in time... .

Just having a bad day I suppose really miss her today . I'm sure I'm not the only one on here that has said the same things like if I'd of understood more about BPD I could of reacted different etc I just feel crap when all she says to me now is I shouted at her to much and she is scared of me now but he's not like that . I was never that person when we met .
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« Reply #41 on: December 12, 2014, 01:55:36 AM »

I also keep reminding myself aswell that they only been together a month ! The first 4 months of our relationship was great . It does kill me aswell that he is more suited to her disorder if that makes any sense . He doesn't work so can spend the time with her and give her that attention plus he likes goin out a lot more drinking clubbing etc and is exciting were as I was always working to provide etc
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« Reply #42 on: December 12, 2014, 02:01:01 AM »

I also keep reminding myself aswell that they only been together a month ! The first 4 months of our relationship was great . It does kill me aswell that he is more suited to her disorder if that makes any sense . He doesn't work so can spend the time with her and give her that attention plus he likes goin out a lot more drinking clubbing etc and is exciting were as I was always working to provide etc

Don't get yourself too wrapped up in that. Remember this: You work and provide. This is something that a real woman capable of a real relationship should be looking for in a man. You have something that will find you a good woman if you're patient. The person you were with just wanted attention Like a child. There are many beautiful woman looking for a man who can support a family. And let's get real with ourselves. What do we want in life? Obviously to find someone to settle down with and make a family. That's why we are so devastated when these relationships end... because we believe we've found the one. The FOG is just now starting to clear for me. We deserve someone real.
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« Reply #43 on: December 12, 2014, 02:17:29 AM »

Dont know if this will help split black but i was split as black as they come While i was taking kids on a holiday ex p was planning to disappear with the kids when i travelled back to care for my other children ( week on week of 1k miles away) nanny who looked after kids on weekends an didnt know me (ex said i was abusing her and had to escape) tumbled i was not that person and told me ( my ex at this stage was with her new bf who she planned to marry an have a child with at age 44 despite oh so many issues and setting up a house on the coast all the time texting me how much she loved me an to bear with her ( i believed she was in hospital at this stage be treated for deppression ( didnt know she was BPD then)  when contated ex about this an she found her children and our child did not want to go got hit with an avo before the day was out and told not to contact her ) what followed were death threats ( together with her ex bike boyfriend ) my credit cards ripped this had already started ( i was in some shock ) attempts to frame me for making death threats suicide attempts she through at the kids trying to emotionally blackmail them ( she would text me then them to make sure i read them e.g. found a particullarly gruesome way to kill myself with anti cool and copper phosphate together with two actual suicide attempts ( though these may have been based more around new BF she had no hesitation in laying at me an the childrens feet . 
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« Reply #44 on: December 12, 2014, 02:20:39 AM »

I also keep reminding myself aswell that they only been together a month ! The first 4 months of our relationship was great . It does kill me aswell that he is more suited to her disorder if that makes any sense . He doesn't work so can spend the time with her and give her that attention plus he likes goin out a lot more drinking clubbing etc and is exciting were as I was always working to provide etc

Don't get yourself too wrapped up in that. Remember this: You work and provide. This is something that a real woman capable of a real relationship should be looking for in a man. You have something that will find you a good woman if you're patient. The person you were with just wanted attention Like a child. There are many beautiful woman looking for a man who can support a family. And let's get real with ourselves. What do we want in life? Obviously to find someone to settle down with and make a family. That's why we are so devastated when these relationships end... because we believe we've found the one. The FOG is just now starting to clear for me. We deserve someone real.

Thing is she has 4 kids and seems to go from one extreme to the other with her partners with me it was the hard working family type guy then she wants a go out clubbing drinking staying up all night weekend type relationship and sort of neglects her kids ! I suppose she can't have the sort of life she got now with my replacement forever ! Surly ? It's almost the selfishness in her is like il do what I want till ive had enough then go back to a life that is more settled she always said we didn't do anything exciting but I was under the impression she loved family life now I'm getting the impression she wants the opposite ?
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« Reply #45 on: December 12, 2014, 02:23:23 AM »

there were more blackmail attempts horrendus e-mails sent to my parents levelling all sorts of allegations that she forced her daughter to ring an make sure they would read it any way long story short got through property settlement I look after the kids an am on reasonable terms with ex at moment but no way never no how would i ever consider opening that door again
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« Reply #46 on: December 12, 2014, 02:29:05 AM »

After about three months her new BF was a shattered man he said she had tried to stab him an run him over an they broke up no contact ( after begging me for help yes he did threaten to kill me ) what i am trying to say i know it feels bad ( my brain was on fire for three months) but you are way better off without her
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« Reply #47 on: December 12, 2014, 02:31:43 AM »

It's almost like my ex wants one or the other ! The day before we split she turned round and said I wanted you to come out with me on weekends and have a laugh with my mates . I told her when we got together my days of doin that every weekend were over ive been ther done that in my 20s she seemed happy with that . Also the other thing that is very selfish about her when we split was she was expecting me to still see the kids and be in ther lives and take them out etc whilst she started up a relationship with the new guy ! They are her kids but they did get attached to me and loved me like ther dad I have been the only one who they have been closest to my ex always said how happy that made her as her other exs including ther real father wert ever that close to them .How can someone think like this ? I still cannot get my head around this and never will almost like she was planning on me as a back up by still being in ther lives .
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« Reply #48 on: December 12, 2014, 02:47:24 AM »

She said why should the kids suffer or loose out on seeing me just coz we are not together ! I tried to explain it is not healthy for them and will confuse them one min I'm ther and we are together to them replacement being ther and me ther every now and then . Sheer selfishness ! I swear she was thinking when I'm board of the current guy and crazy weekends she will just pick me up from were we left off ! It's classic BPD she tried making me feel bad because we had plans with the kids hols etc for 2015 and is saying that I'm letting them down and breaking promises to them .just like ther real dad is it me or is any1 else reading this thinking this is unreal ?.
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« Reply #49 on: December 12, 2014, 02:52:33 AM »

They want/do whatever is convienient they have very little memory per se an hence treat people as things that are to be used to help them as neccasary and heaven forfend if you end up getting in there way hope this is clearer
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« Reply #50 on: December 12, 2014, 03:23:08 AM »

I've realised that a person with BPD/NPD has three things in their lives, and almost nothing else.

1. Deep inconsolable pain.

2. A set of obsessions, mine has (2 or 3) which consume their energy and attention both day and night.

3. Their immediate and urgent needs. Food, sex, admiration from others outside the family.

#2 and #3 are an immediate, urgent and temporary response to #1

These are childish things.

There's not much room for adult things like friendship, companionship, enjoyment, relaxation, relationships, socialising, nurturing. If we want these things, we need to look elsewhere. They are simply not available in a relationship with a pwBPD/NPD.
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« Reply #51 on: December 12, 2014, 05:03:53 AM »

they often have a good facade but when it breaks under pressure it all comes flooding out

even crying for there mommy

I'm glad someone else has said this about ther ex . I thought it was just my ex that said that when she was stressed or very upset . My ex hated her mum I mean really hated her but I remember more than one occasion if we had a massive argument and I'd really pushed it to get the truth of a lie she told or made her break she would kneel down crying in such a way (lost child ) saying I want my mum , I want my mum . Another time she was rocking back and forth slightly sobbing for her nan and grandad (raised her till she was 6) the other one when stressed was the same crying but loudly saying

Why does everybody leave me , why , why !

She done it a few times in the phone to at first I found it strange but got used to it after a while .

Do you think she is likely to be like this with my replacment ? Do you think he will witness this ? It's times like this I wonder if it was me that upset her that much and feel really bad or is it just the disorder any views on this please ?

Sounds like that she is exposing her core abandonment trauma. My reading tells me that most/all BPD suffer from childhood emotional/physical trauma at a young age. That is when the (mostly irreparable) damage occurs. Mine had it. Her father caused it. He ran off to another woman when she was 5yrs old. Took the family dog too.  The abandonment destroyed her mother.

I was supportive and empathetic to her regarding this. Didn't matter. Eventually I would be punished for the crime of the father.
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« Reply #52 on: December 12, 2014, 05:09:56 AM »

not sure father committed suicide when BPD in this case was bit over two but also had 6 month old sister compounding issues she also has at times absolutely despised her mother an admitted to being terriffied of her (who is also BPD ) ?
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« Reply #53 on: December 12, 2014, 07:23:24 AM »

She done it a few times in the phone to at first I found it strange but got used to it after a while .

Do you think she is likely to be like this with my replacment ? Do you think he will witness this ? It's times like this I wonder if it was me that upset her that much and feel really bad or is it just the disorder any views on this please ?

Splitblack4good. It must be tough to have to go through that. It sounds like you really care about her.

As the sun follows the moon, she will act out in this way. It may take some time, of honeymoon period etc, but the facade WILL crack and the true personality WILL come out again. That's my humble opinion. It is likely that she will do whatever it takes to keep this truth from you however, and so you keep having this very thought "Was it me?". That is perhaps part of her delusion which you might have accepted. Perhaps you should challenge that?

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Splitblack4good
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« Reply #54 on: December 12, 2014, 07:46:39 AM »

She done it a few times in the phone to at first I found it strange but got used to it after a while .

Do you think she is likely to be like this with my replacment ? Do you think he will witness this ? It's times like this I wonder if it was me that upset her that much and feel really bad or is it just the disorder any views on this please ?

Yes I do still really care about her it doesn't help the fact that she didn't want all my time she often said ther was times that I could of spent with her when I didn't sometimes I was so ground down by her tho I tried to stay away it is difficult the last time I spoke to her she said I abandoned her when I didn't make any effort with her now that hurt ! It doesn't help that my replacment doesn't have a job so he's always with her so all that's doing is highlighting in her mind what she thinks is true about me . Plus he likes goin out at weekends having a laugh also she loves that to I however have had my days of doin that .witch is true to an extent but found this difficult as I was so tied thru working so much and not being able to let ppl down she felt pushed to the bottom . Someone without this disorder would understand this.  however looking back ther were times I did neglect her abit . I had no chance of getting her back shortly after we split up and I ended it but regretted it . But she had him lined up anyway . I remember the day before we broke up she looked at me sadly and said I wish you could come out with me and my freinds and have a laugh I love you but I just wish you had spent time with me it seems like sometimes I wasn't even ther ! Then she said I don't know why but I have a feeling I am going to regret something in 6 months time .you are my best freind and I hope you will remain that way . Then of course I ended it the next day due to an argument .

It was like she was telling me something ?

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« Reply #55 on: December 12, 2014, 07:48:32 AM »

I've heard from her a couple of times few texts but nothing now for nearly 3 days . She has been with him a month .
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« Reply #56 on: December 12, 2014, 07:55:36 AM »

She done it a few times in the phone to at first I found it strange but got used to it after a while .

Do you think she is likely to be like this with my replacment ? Do you think he will witness this ? It's times like this I wonder if it was me that upset her that much and feel really bad or is it just the disorder any views on this please ?

Splitblack4good. It must be tough to have to go through that. It sounds like you really care about her.

As the sun follows the moon, she will act out in this way. It may take some time, of honeymoon period etc, but the facade WILL crack and the true personality WILL come out again. That's my humble opinion. It is likely that she will do whatever it takes to keep this truth from you however, and so you keep having this very thought "Was it me?". That is perhaps part of her delusion which you might have accepted. Perhaps you should challenge that?


[/quote

She sent me one text 3 days ago saying that she was sorry that I bumped into her and my replacement  now I find this strange was she saying sorry because of my feelings and knows that hurt me ? or sorry because it was awkward ? she made it clear he's who she wants to be with and doesn't care bout my feelings but then that was 3 weeks ago . That text I will never understand . She felt the need to say it for some reason ?
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« Reply #57 on: December 12, 2014, 11:23:51 AM »

I've actually been lurking at this forum for awhile:

www.psychforums.com/borderline-personality/

It's a forum for people who have BPD, so you can kind of look inside their heads a bit.  It's either really helpful, or really confusing.  I'm not sure which yet. 

One thing is almost certain:  ALL of these people are unbelievably screwed up.  There is no fixing them.  They will be like this forever. 

WOW! I read through this forum and it brought back so many memories of the experienced I have encountered with my uBPDxbf. A non posted on the site and a pwBPD chewed him out and told him to go to the non forum. This is a very sad illness. My heart goes out to them but I can no long give my heart to them.
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