She is at it again.

[Before you can make things better, you have to stop making them worse...]

I just got some text's from her this morning and it was all a ''set up'' on her part.I will be honest with everyone.I f---- lost it.I am not going to lie.I totally lost control and a demon came out of me.

I unleashed everything she did to me and told her to lose my number and leave me the f--- alone you sick no good for nothing,pathological lieing,conning,manipulating,mentally ill,sick twisted f--- cheating whoore... .

I can't believe I said this but she had it coming.I kinda feel better to finally stand up to this woman I have been scared of and don't trust anymore.

Her crap is a way to contact me and keep me in.I told her that her stuff will be on the front door.If you do not pick this S--- up by Saturday it is going to the salvation army.

I have f---- had it,being treated this way and USED AS A FALL GUY.I DESERVE BETTER.I am a very nice man with so much to give to a good woman.She does not deserve me or all I have to offer.She will screw anyone and run off with anybody... .

She does not care if I live or die... .This is it,F--- her.I hope I can stay NC and heal from this Mental Case.I swear I will burn her stuff and have a great smoke out if she keeps this up.I will light the sky of NY with fire and black smoke.

Sorry I have not got angry in so long... .I am really a great guy with a heart of gold...

[NYMike]

I just got some text's from her this morning and it was all a ''set up'' on her part.I will be honest with everyone.I f---- lost it.I am not going to lie.I totally lost control and a demon came out of me.

I unleashed everything she did to me and told her to lose my number and leave me the f--- alone you sick no good for nothing,pathological lieing,conning,manipulating,mentally ill,sick twisted f--- cheating whoore... .

I can't believe I said this but she had it coming.I kinda feel better to finally stand up to this woman I have been scared of and don't trust anymore.

Her crap is a way to contact me and keep me in.I told her that her stuff will be on the front door.If you do not pick this S--- up by Saturday it is going to the salvation army.

I have f---- had it,being treated this way and USED AS A FALL GUY.I DESERVE BETTER.I am a very nice man with so much to give to a good woman.She does not deserve me or all I have to offer.She will screw anyone and run off with anybody... .

She does not care if I live or die... .This is it,F--- her.I hope I can stay NC and heal from this Mental Case.I swear I will burn her stuff and have a great smoke out if she keeps this up.I will light the sky of NY with fire and black smoke.

Sorry I have not got angry in so long... .I am really a great guy with a heart of gold...

[evilpepsi]

no apologies needed. im sure that we all can relate... .

[almostmarried]

I really don´t get  it why "her stuff" is so important to you,and IT IS,otherwise you wouldn´t even mention it.

This woman treats you like ___ and you worry about "her stuff"... .(!)

Burn her stuff NOW and go NO CONTACT for the next 5 million years.

[guy4caligirl]

Hi, I got to the point last week and did exactly what you did , enough is enough no need to be respectful for these creatures they have no conscience period .

after I 've done that I went NC , she made her bed let her lay eggs in it .

5 months is gone she remain the same she will get what she deserve .

Absolutely you are a nice guy like all of us to have put up with them .

We are all with you .

[Mr Hollande]

My two bits of advice to you.

1. Get rid of her stuff. Do it now!

2. Don't reply to anything she sends.

Both actions will hand the power back to you as well as give you peace of mind. You deserve it. The control over this situation is there for the taking so take it.

[NYMike]

I am curious about this ''control''.Do you think she does this to me to get me angry for a sense of ''control'' over me.

Is this some type of sick sadisfaction to her ego.?... .Does this empower her to toy with me.?

[Caredverymuch]

I am curious about this ''control''.Do you think she does this to me to get me angry for a sense of ''control'' over me.

Is this some type of sick sadisfaction to her ego.?... .Does this empower her to toy with me.?

Yes to all of the above. With the exception of not necessarily seeking anger.  Seeking a reaction, to fulfill a need.  You react.  Your still considered on the roller coaster.  There is an element of control being unconsciously fulfilled.  Its not as logical as we frame it.

Its a mental illness. There's much at play with an emotionally arrested, dysrehulated individual. 

Your anger indicated you've emotionally been pushed too far.  Recenter yourself and no longer respond.

[Targeted]

Her stuff Seems to be A painful reminder of her to you and a trigger! Get rid of it now any way you want, throw it out, Burn it, put it outside and tell her to come get it. After it leaves your door it is no longer your responsibility and what happens to it after that is up to her!

[Mr Hollande]

I don't know your ex so I can't speak for her but based on my own experience and countless threads from people here who've gone through what you are going through I'd say yes.

But never mind her. It's not about her or her control. She has none. Least of all over herself. You on the other hand can regain the control over yourself in this situation by two very simple actions. Get rid of her junk and don't engage with her.

[going places]

I am curious about this ''control''.Do you think she does this to me to get me angry for a sense of ''control'' over me.

Yes. As soon as we lose our minds with anger... .they own us. Control us.

THEY have the power to push that button.

For some people ANY attention is better than being ignored. AND if that attention is you screaming / cursing / losing your mind in anger? Well, it's better than nothing (in her eyes).

Do not let her draw you into a conversation, fight, etc.

Do not allow her access to the button that pushes your anger.

Box her things up. Give her a time and date when it is to be picked up. (Saturday by noon)

If that time and day goes by, and she does not pick it up, take it to Good Will, tell her it's there, and if she comes to your place again, you will file a restraining order on her.

And if she comes by: FILE IT.

Draw VERY CLEAR lines in the sand; in a very matter of fact way.

Is this some type of sick sadisfaction to her ego.?... .Does this empower her to toy with me.?

For some, yes, it is a sick game.

And yes, you GIVE her the power over you when you lose control of your emotions.

((Guilty, party of 1 here! :-))

Purge her from your life. Block her from all forms of communication.

DO NOT let her control you though emotional game playing... .

Find a way to release that anger. A punching bag at the gym or at home, is a wonderful thing!

[NYMike]

I am curious about this ''control''.Do you think she does this to me to get me angry for a sense of ''control'' over me.

Yes. As soon as we lose our minds with anger... .they own us. Control us.

THEY have the power to push that button.

For some people ANY attention is better than being ignored. AND if that attention is you screaming / cursing / losing your mind in anger? Well, it's better than nothing (in her eyes).

Do not let her draw you into a conversation, fight, etc.

Do not allow her access to the button that pushes your anger.

Box her things up. Give her a time and date when it is to be picked up. (Saturday by noon)

If that time and day goes by, and she does not pick it up, take it to Good Will, tell her it's there, and if she comes to your place again, you will file a restraining order on her.

And if she comes by: FILE IT.

Draw VERY CLEAR lines in the sand; in a very matter of fact way.

Is this some type of sick sadisfaction to her ego.?... .Does this empower her to toy with me.?

For some, yes, it is a sick game.

And yes, you GIVE her the power over you when you lose control of your emotions.

((Guilty, party of 1 here! :-))

Purge her from your life. Block her from all forms of communication.

DO NOT let her control you though emotional game playing... .

Find a way to release that anger. A punching bag at the gym or at home, is a wonderful thing!

This is what I have lived.I am starting to see it.So going NC is the answer and it will drive them nuts.?.Not to mention it will not give her the control over my emotions.?.So NC is kinda of a win win for us to a person with BPD... ?

[going places]

This is what I have lived.I am starting to see it.

1. So going NC is the answer and it will drive them nuts.?.

2. Not to mention it will not give her the control over my emotions.?.

3. So NC is kinda of a win win for us to a person with BPD... ?

1. NC is for you. It is to give you the space you need to heal and move forward.

Who cares if it drives them nuts.

And yes, it can make them try even harder to stay in contact once they see they are losing control.

NC is for you. For your peace. Your healing, and to give you the space needed to put the past in the past and move forward.

2. Correct. She will lose the grip on your emotions if she has NO ACCESS to them.

Thus, you will begin healing, and you will have better control over your emotions.

3. NC is a win for you and that is all that matters.

The hardest thing to do (especially if you were in a long term r/s w the ex) is to think singularly.

This is all about you. What is best for you.

Period.

You are not responsible for anyone else's well being.

Only yours.

That should be your 100% focus.

[Caredverymuch]

 

This is what I have lived.I am starting to see it.

1. So going NC is the answer and it will drive them nuts.?.

2. Not to mention it will not give her the control over my emotions.?.

3. So NC is kinda of a win win for us to a person with BPD... ?

1. NC is for you. It is to give you the space you need to heal and move forward.

Who cares if it drives them nuts.

And yes, it can make them try even harder to stay in contact once they see they are losing control.

NC is for you. For your peace. Your healing, and to give you the space needed to put the past in the past and move forward.

2. Correct. She will lose the grip on your emotions if she has NO ACCESS to them.

Thus, you will begin healing, and you will have better control over your emotions.

3. NC is a win for you and that is all that matters.

The hardest thing to do (especially if you were in a long term r/s w the ex) is to think singularly.

This is all about you. What is best for you.

Period.

You are not responsible for anyone else's well being.

Only yours.

That should be your 100% focus.

Very sound feedback. I couldn't agree more.  As was said on another thread " if you are not good for my life, you are not welcome in my life."

The farther you get from the fog, this all bcomes easier to process and most importantly, to learn from.  THAT is the most important element in all of this.  Dont skip that.

[NYMike]

OK.I have her stuff all ready for her and a date she can get this stuff out of here.

After I exploded on her and told her how I felt I set up some boundries.I am not sure if I did the right thing because I never set a boundrie in my life,lol... .

I told her not to call this number anymore and not to come on this property until she receives the help she knows she needs and won't get.I said I will not be blamed,insulted,mentally abused any longer for your actions and behaviors.I will not be your whipping post any longer for your life that is in shambles.I told her I did not cause any of this and I am tired of you black mailing me and telling the world I am a no good rotton human being.

I told her to loose my phone number and I hung up on her.I never in my life hung up on her.

I can't take this anymore.I lost 31 lbs and I became so very sick over this.I go to T today at 3 and my alanon group tonight.This seems like it is going to be painful grieving her and our puppie dog she took and staying NC when she starts crying to me... .:'( :'( :'(

[Skip]

Well Mike, not sure those are boundaries - those are angry ultimatums.  They will probably work.

It's not unusual to feel how you feel.  You've had enough.

An now that it is said, know that it was heard. It hurt.  She will struggle to process it and you may get a response you don't expect - like anger.  You don't have to say it again.  Eventually she will hear it - even if she doesn't act so.

[NYMike]

Well Mike, not sure those are boundaries - those are angry ultimatums.  They will probably work.

It's not unusual to feel how you feel.  You've had enough.

An now that it is said, know that it was heard. It hurt.  She will struggle to process it and you may get a response you don't expect - like anger.  You don't have to say it again.  Eventually she will hear it - even if she doesn't act so.

Yes.Your correct.Those were angry and rageful ultimatums.And yes I am finished and hope to god I can continue NC even though I love her and our puppie dog.

Right now I want to just live alone in my nice home and continue my own process of recovery and learn about having healthy long term relationships that are satisfying for both people.

She will not get the help she needs because it's everyone else's fault.Dating back to her 1st husband.So sad she can't see she needs help.It breaks my heart.

The puppie is already suffering because she don't care for her.My Holly Baby is a mess again.After I killed myself to get her healthy and trained my ex goes and destroys the dog... .Pisses me off.

[1989]

NYMike,

I did the very same thing.  I sent the most scathing email.  I didn't call him any names (because he would scan it for negative content) but I raged at him for all the crap he had done to me over a 22 year period.  I told him I wish I had never known him (true) and that he was my biggest regret (also true).  It felt good!  But it was full of anger (emotion) and I didn't want him to feel that he had any control over me, so three weeks later I sent three short sentences stating I am sorry my last email was so hateful, but I didn't appreciate having my feelings toyed with.  I told him he would never hear from me again (mid- Jan will be three years).  And I wished him well. 

Maybe you would feel better if you left something stating you are sorry, but the anger had built and you do wish her well, but this is the end of the road for you.  Only if it would make you feel better to do something like that.  I knew he would feed off my anger, and I wanted him to remember me as a composed person.

I will say that NC helped enormously.  He has absolutely no way of contacting me, and that makes me feel much better. 

You will get through this.  And I also like the phrase that Caredverymuch mentioned.  It's a really good one!