I don't want this to be another sabotaged attempt at therapy.

[Cat Familiar]

I find it really amazing that pwBPD can often express to other people just the sort of support we would wish they'd give us. They obviously know how to be supportive--they seem to think it's OK to deny that support to their spouse.

That is part of the honeymoon idealization/mirroring phase. It would not go any deeper. If that RS went anywhere it would end up in the same place with someone else feeling as though they were duped.

She is not getting a different person, just a different phase

Good point! My husband was incredibly supportive in the beginning.  :'(

[PLEASE - NO RUN MESSAGES]

PLEASE - NO RUN MESSAGES This is a high level discussion board for solving ongoing, day-to-day relationship conflicts. Members may appear frustrated but they are here for constructive solutions to problems. This is not a place for relationship "stay" or "leave" discussions. Please read the specific guidelines for this group.

[Michelle27]

Thank you all for your words.  I wish I could take comfort but today I seem to be unable to.  I am hoping tomorrow is a better day for me.

I do have a question.  When I feel like this (it's rare, believe me... .I've been strong through so much in my life already), how do I cope with the desire to just say, "screw it", and tell him that I am done and don't think I can do this anymore when I know he is trying and genuinely wants to be there for me but can't?  And how do I open myself up to potentially getting hurt again when it feels like I just can't cope with one more thing?

[Grey Kitty]

When I feel like this (it's rare, believe me... .I've been strong through so much in my life already), how do I cope with the desire to just say, "screw it", and tell him that I am done and don't think I can do this anymore?

If you are *really* done, file for divorce; you don't have to tell him anything before you have papers served. But that isn't what you are feeling... .

What I hear you saying is that you simply can't take even one toothpick worth of invalidation, negativity, or abuse from him today, you are feeling so hopeless and hurt.

       

And now the practical suggestion:

Tell him you can't deal with him right now, and go someplace where he isn't.

Either find a good friend who can give you some support, or find some way to take care of yourself. Lock yourself in the bathroom for a long bubble bath and some music, candles, and/or a good book?

[Michelle27]

You are exactly right Grey Kitty.  And maybe one step beyond.  His attempts to actually do the right thing and try to validate me are like adding insult to injury.  If he can do it now, he could have done it all along. Why am I worth the effort now?  He does keep saying he's in a "place" now where he can deal with his demons and is making promises to get help but what put him in that place?  Fear of abandonment or a genuine desire to get better?  I don't know.

Seriously, this isn't like me... .I am always a "glass half full" kind of gal.  Maybe getting it out today this way and a few ugly cries I've had today will allow me to move past it.  Glad I can vent here because today, I'm not sure it would be healthy to vent to him.

I actually am considering asking for a separation while he works on his crap so I'm not in the crossfire.  Problem is, I think he's expecting me to be his cheerleader and to be there for him while he does it, and if I'm not, he won't do it  He keeps telling me that he "knows" I'm strong enough to do it which feels to me like he's saying, "you've tolerated my crap for all these years, please keep tolerating it while I work on my issues".  And today, I just can't make that promise.

[formflier]

Why am I worth the effort now?  

Take GKs, advice... .and relax.

My one assignment is to stop asking why... .

Focus on that you are worth the effort... .

You know you are worth the effort... .so... you make the effort... .

He knows that you are worth the effort... .so it appears he is making the effort.

The past is gone... .let it stay gone...

[Michelle27]

Why am I worth the effort now?  

Take GKs, advice... .and relax.

My one assignment is to stop asking why... .

Focus on that you are worth the effort... .

You know you are worth the effort... .so... you make the effort... .

He knows that you are worth the effort... .so it appears he is making the effort.

The past is gone... .let it stay gone...

I am going to work on that.  Thank you.

[formflier]

I am going to work on that.  Thank you.

Please come back and post and let us know how this effort is going

[waverider]

Always be aware of the difference between supporting him, and enabling to project responsibility for his recovery on to you.

He will do this, don't take it personally. It is a big task he is attempting and he will fail many times along the way. By keeping at arms length to a degree you will be more capable of staying the distance for longer.

Keep in mind when you feel, anger, frustration and even relief, they are feelings of the moment. Do not get sucked it using words and thoughts like "never" and "always". This is how you feel now, express them as "I dont feel like dealing with XYZ right now". It will make you feel far better

[Michelle27]

So many fantastic thoughts here.  Thank you all.

Woke up this morning feeling a lot less of the hopelessness of yesterday so I hope it was just a hiccup in the road.  I don't honestly think I've ever felt that low about any of this in the whole 8 years of this rollercoaster ride.

[waverider]

So many fantastic thoughts here.  Thank you all.

Woke up this morning feeling a lot less of the hopelessness of yesterday so I hope it was just a hiccup in the road.  I don't honestly think I've ever felt that low about any of this in the whole 8 years of this roller coaster ride.

We've all fallen in that pothole, and still do from time to time. Even with experience and knowledge it is not always possible to stay objective when you are in the middle of a crisis

[Michelle27]

So today he was whining that my own feelings are trying to derail him without giving him a chance. Sure enough, putting it back on me.  I reminded him that he had 8 years (since he crashed) to get his crap together and I've had a whole 2 weeks to process what I now know.  I said that I've been the strong one for 8 years and right now I'm not feeling particularly strong so I'd appreciate him not putting the work he has to do on my shoulders.  He kept talking about how he now had plans to deal with his own issues and that I need to give him that credit.  I did and then said that I'd like to get excited when progress is made, not when promises are made as I've heard the same promises before.  The conversation ended with him at least acknowledging that I'm going to need some time to process and work through my own feelings.  

[formflier]

So today he was whining that my own feelings are trying to derail him without giving him a chance. Sure enough, putting it back on me.    

Instead of reminding him about anything... ."I"m sorry you feel that way... .maybe some validation... and move along... ."

The point you are trying to make to him is a valid one... .he needs to hear it... .but he was not "ready".   You... .as the more emotionally mature one... .needs to take the lead in NOT talking to him when he is not ready... .and making efforts to talk to him in a way to "prepare" him to hear.

Thoughts? 

I know it doesn't seem fair... .but I assure you... .this is the case... .

[Michelle27]

So today he was whining that my own feelings are trying to derail him without giving him a chance. Sure enough, putting it back on me.    

Instead of reminding him about anything... ."I"m sorry you feel that way... .maybe some validation... and move along... ."

The point you are trying to make to him is a valid one... .he needs to hear it... .but he was not "ready".   You... .as the more emotionally mature one... .needs to take the lead in NOT talking to him when he is not ready... .and making efforts to talk to him in a way to "prepare" him to hear.

Thoughts? 

I know it doesn't seem fair... .but I assure you... .this is the case... .

I know this is the right way I should handle this.  I did explain to him that after so many years of squashing my  own feelings in favor of trying to deal with his, I am raw with the knowledge that I learned 2 weeks ago and will need some time to get my own emotions under control.  He says he understood and will give me that time, but we'll see.  In the meantime, I will try to keep my own venting to my counselor's office and girlfriends as much as I can, although I'm also being clear with him that for us to be able to make it through this is going to depend on his ability to allow me my feelings without trying to "one up" me with his which he totally recognizes that he's done for years.

I suppose it's good news that he asked his counselor yesterday about DBT and was given resources and is planning on taking a CBT course starting next month as well as seeking evaluation and treatment with a psychologist.  As long as he follows through and doesn't sabotage it all because I know it's going to get much harder before it gets easier.

[formflier]

 

He is making steps in the right direction... .honor those.  Don't predict the future... .keep grounded in what he is doing right now.

When you feel the next to "explain" something to him... .I would take a few minutes before you do that... .and try to center yourself.

Try to explain feelings... .don't tie feelings to actions.  As in... I feel this way... .(good)... .I feel this way because you... .(bad)

At some point... it will be appropriate for you guys to be in marriage counseling.  the feelings and actions do need to be brought into the open... .but it needs to be handled carefully... professionally... .

Thoughts?

[Michelle27]

He is making steps in the right direction... .honor those.  Don't predict the future... .keep grounded in what he is doing right now.

When you feel the next to "explain" something to him... .I would take a few minutes before you do that... .and try to center yourself.

Try to explain feelings... .don't tie feelings to actions.  As in... I feel this way... .(good)... .I feel this way because you... .(bad)

At some point... it will be appropriate for you guys to be in marriage counseling.  the feelings and actions do need to be brought into the open... .but it needs to be handled carefully... professionally... .

Thoughts?

I totally agree.  And I know that we're not ready for that yet.  Everything is too raw right now. I have been through so much that I am actually unsure right now if I can continue right now or if we should separate while we each work through our own stuff.  I'll be talking with my counselor tomorrow on that and yes, he is aware I am unsure about that.

[formflier]

  he is aware I am unsure about that.

Probably not a good idea to let him know you are considering this... .

Better to consider it... and decide... and then talk... .

It's already out there... .so I wouldn't focus on it... .

pwBPD traits can have abandonment issues... .if you are "thinking about" leaving them... that could trigger things that otherwise wouldn't come up.

[Michelle27]

Well, we are perhaps on our way to healing.  He opened himself up to his counselor who recommended that he pick up the DBT workbook and he made a follow up appointment with our doctor (and asked me to attend) in which he brought up BPD and said he had done his own research, believed he has it or at least strong traits and wanted to be assessed and treated by a psychiatrist.  Our doctor was great... .explained that treatment is hard, and only a very few very motivated individuals follow through with treatment but that it can be done.  He also explained that our city doesn't have any psychiatrists that would see him past the assessment stage but that he was going to do some research and get back to us about ones nearby that would and then send in a referral.  Within a few hours of that appointment we happened to drive by a Chapters store and he decided to stop in to get the DBT workbook.  While we were there, we also found a book for newly diagnosed people with BPD and last night and this morning he read that book cover to cover. 

While at Chapters, I also picked up 3 books for me.  One on forgiveness, one called "Fight Less and Love More" and one on how to make your marriage more passionate.  I figure the last two could eventually be for both of us, but first I have to be able to get past my own issues with resentments over everything that happened over the past 8 years so I can move forward with wanting to reengage myself with our marriage and him as I've spent so long emotionally "checking out" to make my own pain lessen.  I also had a session with my own counselor this past week too and she suggested holding off on making a decision on whether I'm going to stay dependent on what I see in the next 6 months or a year.  I thought that was reasonable.

[formflier]

she suggested holding off on making a decision on whether I'm going to stay dependent on what I see in the next 6 months or a year.  I thought that was reasonable.

I'm very glad for you... .that things are going in the right direction.

I want to suggest that what you decide to do... .to get yourself healthy... .physically, mentally, emotionally... .over the next 6 months to a year will be just as important as what your husband does... .or doesn't do.

Focus on your healing... .focus on what you can do to create conditions in the r/s for your husband to heal.  Make sure that you don't try to do it for him... or "help" him.  This is his path to walk.  Let him walk it. 

How does that sound to you?

[Michelle27]

she suggested holding off on making a decision on whether I'm going to stay dependent on what I see in the next 6 months or a year.  I thought that was reasonable.

I'm very glad for you... .that things are going in the right direction.

I want to suggest that what you decide to do... .to get yourself healthy... .physically, mentally, emotionally... .over the next 6 months to a year will be just as important as what your husband does... .or doesn't do.

Focus on your healing... .focus on what you can do to create conditions in the r/s for your husband to heal.  Make sure that you don't try to do it for him... or "help" him.  This is his path to walk.  Let him walk it. 

How does that sound to you?

That is exactly what I know I need to do.  Focus on myself in a different way than I have for the last few years as I've lost 130 lbs and gained self confidence in more areas of my life than ever before.  Now I need to turn to working on my inner healing and growth and I am looking forward to that. 

[Grey Kitty]

The more you grow, and the more you forgive yourself (and him), the better for you.

You will find yourself stronger when it comes to supporting him in his own growth... .and less willing to put up with his bad behavior. (When you don't put up with it, he's left in the position of finding new coping mechanisms, hopefully healthier ones.)

Having good things in your life does build strength.