Relapse/Her Birthday

[Earthbayne]

I've gone NC for two weeks strict since our last email exchange. I've been busy at work and been going out with friends during my free time. Yesterday I got home back early and was adding people onto Facebook, when her name pops up as a suggestion. The uExBPD was right there and I couldn't avoid the temptation. I clicked on her name and saw two new pictures. I knew I shouldn't have. They weren't even pictures of her with a replacement, it was just her with some friends having a night out with men and women from her gym. I immediately became disappointed, sad, angry, and a whole mixed bag of things. I don't know if it was because she was out and I wasn't there. I don't know if it was because she was holding a beer in her hand that in almost 2 years... .I'd never seen her drink before. I don't know if it was just because she was "apparently" happy.

I know that everyone, even BPD's, deserve to be happy, even if they can't be. Even after a breakup, I deserve to be happy and go out and do things. But, that seems to just have set me back temporarily.

Worst part is her birthday is Wednesday, and I am DREADING it because she might contact by the end of the night. It's a possibility. But, I hope not.

I spoke to a good friend of mine and he reminded me that it is GOOD that she is going out and trying to have fun, it means she's spending less time at home wondering how to get me back. I guess. This is just primarily about the reactionary feelings I had. I miss her, but I'd never want to be with her ever again. Ever. I started looking back at my posts here and feel somewhat better.

I just wish I could move on, like right now.

[hithere]

Moving on is a process, it takes longer for some people and you will always have set backs.  Don't sweat it, keep NC and do things to stay busy, take care of yourself.  Two and a half years later I still feel sorry for her, her kids and my replacement sometimes but generally speaking I don't even think of her.  I always end up my thoughts about her with, 'thankfully I got out because she would have destroyed me totally.'