tempted to break NC

[Infern0]

My ex has been making rash decisions and appears to be heavily disregulating since I went NC approx 2 weeks ago.

She has been trying to break NC but I've not responded but I got word today that she has been acting extremely erratic and is in danger of losing her job.

I am tempted to break NC just to stop her from self destruction.

She is still with replacement btw so I'm surprised at this behavior but it's come from trusted sources.

[Mutt]

I'm sorry to hear she's having a difficult time. Self destructive behaviors are part of the disorder. Not something you can fix.

I recall something my BIL told me when I was worried about ex after the split.

"Mutt she's not your problem anymore. She's his problem now".

[fromheeltoheal]

Think about why you went NC to begin with.  Now think about whether it will be better or worse now.  Act accordingly.

And while you're at it, us your current feelings to dig and find out why you want to 'save' her from herself; is it caring or rescuing?  :)oes it involve putting her needs ahead of your own?  Was that a pattern?

[Caredverymuch]

My ex has been making rash decisions and appears to be heavily disregulating since I went NC approx 2 weeks ago.

She has been trying to break NC but I've not responded but I got word today that she has been acting extremely erratic and is in danger of losing her job.

I am tempted to break NC just to stop her from self destruction.

She is still with replacement btw so I'm surprised at this behavior but it's come from trusted sources.

Inferno, I am sorry for this challenge you are facing.  Please take some time to re-read your past posts. When I was in the same frame of mind, hearing my pBPD waif ex was disregulatiing combined w heavy doses of missing him, I felt immense urge to step in and rescue.

Think about how this might work. For YOU.

[Infern0]

I went NC because she had started using me to triangulate as she had started to devalue my replacement.  After a short time I felt like I was being used because she was telling me she had feelings for me etc but making no sign of actual proving it just seemed to be using me and I got depressed and felt used and horrible.

Obviously I broke the triangle so I guess that's why she's disregulating but I do feel a bit guilty and really just want to tell her not to be stupid but I went NC because I felt like I had become an enabler and in truth wasn't really helping anyone by having contact so I guess I should sustain nc?

[Mutt]

It's your choice to tell her. NC isn't an absolute. My advice is don't rescue. As well intended as your message is it's not going to register the way you may think it is. She's dysregulated.

[MrConfusedWithItAll]

I would ask yourself the question:  Would she be there to rescue you if you were in imminent trouble?

At my lowest point - just after she let me know I was replaced I needed some closure.  I called her and, barely holding back the tears she coldly let me know she was otherwise occupied that day with her new man and I should go for a swim to relieve the stress.  The week before she was telling me I was the love of her life.

These disordered people - make them your past and look to better in the future.

[Infared]

Inferno... .

There are great observations and advice on this page... .

I say think of your sanity and well-being.  Triangles are for racking balls up on the pool table... .not healthy relationships.

You know what you should do... .that is why you came here to air it out... .right? 

Give yourself a   ... .move forward... .and avoid more head games and abuse.

It's simple, but it can seem hard. Just love YOU!   

[Infern0]

It's alright I fought the urge off. No good will come of it.

[Splitblack4good]

It's alright I fought the urge off. No good will come of it.

I did the same thing last night was soo tempted to break NC had a weak moment but it passed and didn't do it it is difficult but your head tells you don't do it heart is saying do it but my head is getting stronger with time I think a week ago I would of done .

[Beach_Babe]

At my lowest point - just after she let me know I was replaced I needed some closure.  I called her and, barely holding back the tears she coldly let me know she was otherwise occupied that day with her new man and I should go for a swim to relieve the stress.  The week before she was telling me I was the love of her life.dB

God, that's awful! How long was she cheating?

[peiper]

Many times when a person is drowning someone will dive in attempting to save the person in trouble only to be pulled under and drowned themselves.

[patientandclear]

It's also worth bearing in mind that telling someone not to be stupid doesn't usually work very well.

I know when someone else advises me not to do something I have a strong impulse to do, it often (used to) make me dig in my heels about doing it.

In general people need to find their own way to what feels right to them.

[Ripped Heart]

Hi inferno, I'm so sorry that you are going through these intense feelings and emotions right now. It can be the worst feeling in the world to experience and I wish you all the best.

A few people have given some good advice on here and it's worth taking stock of where you are right now. NC is a decision you make to protect yourself, it's not a law and not set in stone but what you have to think about is the impact it will have on you given you have gone so far already. My previous r/s I went NC a few years ago now and have sat where you are sitting, all I can say is that it does get easier the more you work at it. Just like trying to quit smoking, people can have relapses but it's important to keep moving forward. I was tempted so many times to break NC but stuck by it and came out a much stronger person.

I'm in a current r/s with someone suspected of BPD (diagnosed with Bi-Polar and told they have a PD but never stayed in Therapy long enough to find out what. All signs point to BPD though) and I can tell you, trying to "save" them only makes things worse. You feed into their fears of abandonment by opening up their wounds, in their mind if they believe you know they are ill, how could you possibly stay around. It's a vicious cycle that only they can break themselves. As harsh as it may sound, the best you can hope for is that they do self destruct to the point where they can't continue any more and seek the help themselves that they richly deserve. Another harsh fact is that you can't change the outcome, no matter what you do, only they can do that themselves.

I felt the same way you did in my previous r/s and as a friend once told me, they are disordered and you are broken as a result. How the hell do you expect to fix something with broken tools? The best thing you can do right now is take all that energy and feeling you have in wanting to fix your ex and apply it to yourself. Repair yourself first and the world looks a very different place. You are not obligated to your ex in any way, it's human nature to want to help someone in distress, especially when it's someone you care about. See yourself as that person in distress, care about you and do what you can to help you.

Another way to put it, if you saw someone drowning and you jumped in to save them, that's great. But what happens if that same person keeps jumping back into the water? How many times will you jump back in to save them before you put yourself in danger in trying to save them? BPD is no different, it's someone who keeps jumping into the same destructive cycle over and over again and until they decide that it's time to get out of the water, there is very little you can do.

[MrConfusedWithItAll]

At my lowest point - just after she let me know I was replaced I needed some closure.  I called her and, barely holding back the tears she coldly let me know she was otherwise occupied that day with her new man and I should go for a swim to relieve the stress.  The week before she was telling me I was the love of her life.dB

God, that's awful! How long was she cheating?

I do not know for certain - I suspect she dated several other guys while we were together.  I also suspect she could not bring herself to break with me until she was sure she had found a replacement that would stick.  This is what I find sickest of all - just so cowardly.  NC has not been easy - but I have lost respect for her so there is no other choice as far as I am concerned.

[evilpepsi]

Resisiting the urge to break nc, even when they initiate contact, is very hard, but afterwards, it's so freaking empowering. Mine blew me up yesterday by trying to push my buttons and it didn't work. Its a small victory, but small victories build huge morale.

Remember, the only way to eat an elephant is one bite at a time... .

[Infared]

At my lowest point - just after she let me know I was replaced I needed some closure.  I called her and, barely holding back the tears she coldly let me know she was otherwise occupied that day with her new man and I should go for a swim to relieve the stress.  The week before she was telling me I was the love of her life.dB

AttaBoy, Mr.!

God, that's awful! How long was she cheating?

I do not know for certain - I suspect she dated several other guys while we were together.  I also suspect she could not bring herself to break with me until she was sure she had found a replacement that would stick.  This is what I find sickest of all - just so cowardly.  NC has not been easy - but I have lost respect for her so there is no other choice as far as I am concerned.

[Beach_Babe]

No conscience, no remorse.    You deserve better Mr C!

[NYMike]

I broke NC on Saturday and I am back to the drawing board.

She came over crying and once again told me everything I wanted to her.She played me well and as usual I NYMIKE fell for all her games,manipulation,cons and lies.

I was pretty excited and thought she would ''see the light'',lmao.I was in fantasy world to even think that but I did.

Once she left here i caught her lying to me as to were she was.It was heart wrenching on sunday to think she just told me all these wonderful things and the next day she is Lying and Betraying me.AMAZING and HURTFUL.

I am back to NC and she texted me 3 times last night and i just could not respond.Good luck and this is not easy when you love and care about someone that is soo DISORDERED and has Mental Illness.It has been hell for me to stay NC and Let Go and get on with my own life.

I am in T for this and Al-Anon for this.I lost 33 lbs as of yesterday and i became so sick trying to figure out the RIDDLE.She is truly a Riddle.I am on Depression Meds and i am hanging on for dear life not to go down any further.

I am sure i am not much help here but i thought i would chime in and let you know what just happened to me when i Broke NC and caved because i care so much.

[evilpepsi]

I'm on a lame train. I got a first class ticket on the nonstop to nowhere. Where it takes me I don't know... .

Say it out loud... .

[downwhim]

I think mine has moved some chick in he was cheating on me with. Hard day. N/C is hard and today is an down day for me. They do such a number on us!

[Infared]

I broke NC on Saturday and I am back to the drawing board.

She came over crying and once again told me everything I wanted to her.She played me well and as usual I NYMIKE fell for all her games,manipulation,cons and lies.

I was pretty excited and thought she would ''see the light'',lmao.I was in fantasy world to even think that but I did.

Once she left here i caught her lying to me as to were she was.It was heart wrenching on sunday to think she just told me all these wonderful things and the next day she is Lying and Betraying me.AMAZING and HURTFUL.

I am back to NC and she texted me 3 times last night and i just could not respond.Good luck and this is not easy when you love and care about someone that is soo DISORDERED and has Mental Illness.It has been hell for me to stay NC and Let Go and get on with my own life.

I am in T for this and Al-Anon for this.I lost 33 lbs as of yesterday and i became so sick trying to figure out the RIDDLE.She is truly a Riddle.I am on Depression Meds and i am hanging on for dear life not to go down any further.

I am sure i am not much help here but i thought i would chime in and let you know what just happened to me when i Broke NC and caved because i care so much.

Sorry for your debacle... .we have all been there... .this experience will further your resolve... .just get back up and keep riding that pony... .far away from this person who abuses you. Whether she is sick or not, it doesn't really matter... .in the end you are in a situation where the end product is: you being abused.  Do everything in your power to protect you and things will get better. Hope you are feeling better!

[downwhim]

The reality is it is over and I need to pick up the pieces of me and move on. It was easier for him with someone to replace. I feel stuck and alone. Hard to accept even though I know I could not take one more day of it. Thanks for your words of encouragement. I am sure we all have days like this... .

[hope2727]

Downwhim,

I have those days too. 

We are worthy and deserving of a happy healthy relationship.