Home page of BPDFamily.com, online relationship supportMember registration here
September 23, 2021, 10:32:20 AM *
Welcome, Guest. Please login or register.

Login with username, password and session length
Board Admins: Harri, Once Removed
Senior Ambassadors: Cat Familiar, I Am Redeemed, Mutt, Turkish
  Help!   Boards   Please Donate Login to Post New?--Click here to register  
bing
How to communicate after a contentious divorce... Following a contentious divorce and custody battle, there are often high emotion and tensions between the parents. Research shows that constant and chronic conflict between the parents negatively impacts the children. The children sense their parents anxiety in their voice, their body language and their parents behavior. Here are some suggestions from Dean Stacer on how to avoid conflict.
84
Pages: 1 [2]  All   Go Down
  Print  
Author Topic: for those who wonder what the replacement gets treated like...  (Read 7056 times)
peiper
******
Offline Offline

Gender: Male
What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Ex-romantic partner
Posts: 805



« Reply #30 on: December 20, 2014, 09:38:44 AM »

sorry, maybe it is me but I wish him the same pain he has caused others. Cheating, lying, manipulating. He knows what he is doing whether he is disordered or not. He has all of the criteria except one so changes of him not being borderline are slim.

I am not saying I was not a trigger for him, I am but I do not wish him happiness, just can't go there right now. Not after the abuse and the way he treated me. What I wish for him is to go get help! I know his kids do too.

This is exactly how i feel. Wether disorderd or not the person i was involved with knows right from wrong and time after time after time again she chose to do the wrong thing. I do not wish her happiness and get great joy when i hear of mess after mess that she keeps getting herself into. I don't feel about about feeling that way either. If you've got hate in your heart let it out and embrace it Smiling (click to insert in post)

I agree completely. This crap of themselves not being able to help what they do is a bunch of BS. I have absolutely no good will for my exBPDw. She can rot in hell for all I care.
Logged
WhatTheFrank
**
Offline Offline

Gender: Male
What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Posts: 55


« Reply #31 on: December 20, 2014, 02:01:41 PM »

I hope my replacement realizes what's going on or finds this site soon.  Police blotter showed he got arrested for simple assault at their residence a few weeks ago.

I never had any anger towards him when I found out they were cheating during the waning months of the relationship.  I knew who was responsible for what.
Logged
ucmeicu2
****
Offline Offline

What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Posts: 389


« Reply #32 on: December 20, 2014, 02:17:36 PM »

feeling those feelings, that's all good.  for a while, that is.   eventually tho bitterness/resentment/anger/etc is  like taking poison and expecting the other person to get sick or die!  we only poison ourselves when we carry around these toxic emotions.  break-ups with Cluster B's on the DSM are generally reported to be the hardest to get over.  this is b/c of the dynamics at play.  we were deeply deeply wounded by them, to our core.   my ultimate goal is to be neutral. 

icu

sorry, maybe it is me but I wish him the same pain he has caused others. Cheating, lying, manipulating. He knows what he is doing whether he is disordered or not. He has all of the criteria except one so changes of him not being borderline are slim.

I am not saying I was not a trigger for him, I am but I do not wish him happiness, just can't go there right now. Not after the abuse and the way he treated me. What I wish for him is to go get help! I know his kids do too.

This is exactly how i feel. Wether disorderd or not the person i was involved with knows right from wrong and time after time after time again she chose to do the wrong thing. I do not wish her happiness and get great joy when i hear of mess after mess that she keeps getting herself into. I don't feel about about feeling that way either. If you've got hate in your heart let it out and embrace it Smiling (click to insert in post)

I agree completely. This crap of themselves not being able to help what they do is a bunch of BS. I have absolutely no good will for my exBPDw. She can rot in hell for all I care.

Logged
peiper
******
Offline Offline

Gender: Male
What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Ex-romantic partner
Posts: 805



« Reply #33 on: December 20, 2014, 02:58:36 PM »

feeling those feelings, that's all good.  for a while, that is.   eventually tho bitterness/resentment/anger/etc is  like taking poison and expecting the other person to get sick or die!  we only poison ourselves when we carry around these toxic emotions.  break-ups with Cluster B's on the DSM are generally reported to be the hardest to get over.  this is b/c of the dynamics at play.  we were deeply deeply wounded by them, to our core.   my ultimate goal is to be neutral. 

icu

sorry, maybe it is me but I wish him the same pain he has caused others. Cheating, lying, manipulating. He knows what he is doing whether he is disordered or not. He has all of the criteria except one so changes of him not being borderline are slim.

I am not saying I was not a trigger for him, I am but I do not wish him happiness, just can't go there right now. Not after the abuse and the way he treated me. What I wish for him is to go get help! I know his kids do too.

This is exactly how i feel. Wether disorderd or not the person i was involved with knows right from wrong and time after time after time again she chose to do the wrong thing. I do not wish her happiness and get great joy when i hear of mess after mess that she keeps getting herself into. I don't feel about about feeling that way either. If you've got hate in your heart let it out and embrace it Smiling (click to insert in post)

I agree completely. This crap of themselves not being able to help what they do is a bunch of BS. I have absolutely no good will for my exBPDw. She can rot in hell for all I care.


I have no desire to be neutral. She abused both mentally, verbally, emotionally  and cheated. Those that forget the past are doomed to repeat it.
Logged
ucmeicu2
****
Offline Offline

What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Posts: 389


« Reply #34 on: December 20, 2014, 03:17:23 PM »

I have no desire to be neutral. She abused both mentally, verbally, emotionally  and cheated. Those that forget the past are doomed to repeat it.

hi, nowhere did i say or imply to "forget".  being neutral and forgetting are not the same. being neutral means if you seem them or think of them, there is no positive or negative energy charge attached to the thoughts.   if you see no advantage to your own well-being for neutrality, consider this:  being angry/bitter/resentful/hating/etc towards the BPD/narcissist still gives them energy

they are energy vampires

how many people here can attest that just as they were starting to feel healthy or normal or like they were starting to move on emotionally, did their pwBPD come out of the shadows and try to re-connect or re-establish contact?  it happened to me multiple times.  i have a friend IRL who also had an N and she experienced the same thing and often asked me "how do they know?".   

well, it's b/c they have an energy connection to us.   don't feed the animals.  Smiling (click to insert in post)

icu
Logged
Infern0
********
Offline Offline

What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Posts: 1520


« Reply #35 on: December 20, 2014, 03:19:31 PM »

The anger will subside eventually.  I still get flashes of it but not so much anymore.

Right now I'm sitting outside,  it's a nice sunny day and my mind is pretty calm.

Whatever she's currently doing you can bet that she's in the middle of a million lies and with all the skeletons just waiting to pour out of the closet.  I'm no longer that bothered.

Honestly at this stage I'm just greatful she's not ruining my life anymore (though I suspect she'll try again at some stage)
Logged
Splitblack4good
****
Offline Offline

What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Ex-romantic partner
Posts: 452



« Reply #36 on: December 20, 2014, 03:26:44 PM »

Just seen the ex again with my replacement came round a mutuel freinds house to borrow something . She seemed  nervous I could here it in her voice I was in the lounge she walked into the kitchen she made no eye contact . Hearing her voice was strange almost haunting. She left 5 mins or so later she forgot her car keys , her purse and what she came round to borrow. It was like she couldnt get out of ther any quicker ! I could tell she wasn't her normal self acting nervous .

Guilt, shame, hurt, ? was not easy for me either did feel hurt more angry although I split up with her I shouldn't be angry I was angry she moved on to a replacement 12 hours after we split.
Logged
Ripped Heart
*****
Offline Offline

Gender: Male
What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Romantic partner
Posts: 542


« Reply #37 on: December 20, 2014, 03:33:57 PM »

I have no desire to be neutral. She abused both mentally, verbally, emotionally  and cheated. Those that forget the past are doomed to repeat it.

This is very true, however there is a difference between forgetting the past and using it to learn and grow within yourself.

Like you, I was in a very abusive marriage, mentally, verbally, emotionally and physically. My anger towards my ex wife was around how she could cause me that suffering and allow me to suffer all the same. It wasn't until I recognised that I was the one who allowed her to do that to me that I was able to forgive myself and move forward with my life.

I don't think I will ever be able to forgive her for her actions but I forgave myself and that is what is most important in all of this. I won't ever forget the scars she caused internally but at the same time I won't allow myself to compare others to her. What I have learned from her is when to say no, when to walk away from something that is abusive and not healthy and if someone is verbally abusive I give them the opportunity to correct that. If they don't have respect for my boundaries, I have no desire to have them in my life. How can you have someone in your life that has little or no respect for who you are as a person?

As for my ex wife, the anger has long since gone, I know she is no longer tied to me and cannot hurt me anymore. Even if she was to reappear, I am in control of me and I won't allow her through. I refuse to give her my time and energy and by doing that, I don't care either way what she is up to or where she is. As I said on a previous post, I do wish happiness for her but not because of who she is but because I don't wish unhappiness on anyone.

I don't think the word "neutral" refers to common ground which is why it's harder to accept. The word "acceptance" is much better because that refers to just you and your feelings without being tied to the other person. If you have acceptance within yourself, nothing they can say or do can ever again break who you are. Remembering the past is what will keep you grounded if they ever reappear as a reminder of what life would be like if you ever went back.
Logged
peiper
******
Offline Offline

Gender: Male
What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Ex-romantic partner
Posts: 805



« Reply #38 on: December 20, 2014, 04:02:40 PM »

I have no desire to be neutral. She abused both mentally, verbally, emotionally  and cheated. Those that forget the past are doomed to repeat it.

This is very true, however there is a difference between forgetting the past and using it to learn and grow within yourself.

Like you, I was in a very abusive marriage, mentally, verbally, emotionally and physically. My anger towards my ex wife was around how she could cause me that suffering and allow me to suffer all the same. It wasn't until I recognised that I was the one who allowed her to do that to me that I was able to forgive myself and move forward with my life.

I don't think I will ever be able to forgive her for her actions but I forgave myself and that is what is most important in all of this. I won't ever forget the scars she caused internally but at the same time I won't allow myself to compare others to her. What I have learned from her is when to say no, when to walk away from something that is abusive and not healthy and if someone is verbally abusive I give them the opportunity to correct that. If they don't have respect for my boundaries, I have no desire to have them in my life. How can you have someone in your life that has little or no respect for who you are as a person?

As for my ex wife, the anger has long since gone, I know she is no longer tied to me and cannot hurt me anymore. Even if she was to reappear, I am in control of me and I won't allow her through. I refuse to give her my time and energy and by doing that, I don't care either way what she is up to or where she is. As I said on a previous post, I do wish happiness for her but not because of who she is but because I don't wish unhappiness on anyone.

I don't think the word "neutral" refers to common ground which is why it's harder to accept. The word "acceptance" is much better because that refers to just you and your feelings without being tied to the other person. If you have acceptance within yourself, nothing they can say or do can ever again break who you are. Remembering the past is what will keep you grounded if they ever reappear as a reminder of what life would be like if you ever went back.

Oh I have grown.  Six months ago I probably would have taken her back even though she cheated. Now I have boundrys and would never think about putting myself back in that situation. It also showed me unequivocally what I want. Today I have a beautiful girlfriend who is normal. And I know I'm a good man, unlike what she had me brainwashed into thinking.
Logged
Can You Help Us Stay on the Air in 2021?

Pages: 1 [2]  All   Go Up
  Print  
 
Jump to:  

Our 2021 Financial Sponsors
We are all appreciative of the members who provide the funding to keep BPDFamily on the air.
12years
alterK
Andi1956
Anondad
Cnvi
doghouse
drained1996
EyesUp
Harri
JD2028
lovenature
Mac5
Methuen
Mommydoc
Mutt
old97
P.F.Change
Skip
snowglobe
Swimmy55
Teno
Turkish
wendydarling

Powered by MySQL Powered by PHP Powered by SMF 1.1.21 | SMF © 2006-2020, Simple Machines Valid XHTML 1.0! Valid CSS!