heartbroken and confused

[webae]

I was in a relationship with someone who I think has BPD, on and off, for about three years. From reading as much as I have, I can see all the traits and most things make a great deal of sense. We both had a lot of issues and were in a co-dependent relationship. I wanted to take things slowly, she didn't. We made a great deal of mistakes and impulsive decisions with regards to emotional and sexual encounters and fidelity. After the second time we broke up, (she broke up with me this time) she wanted to get back together right away. We had told each other about some of the sexual and emotional mistakes we made and I wanted to take time and grow back into a relationship together. We had fought for a year after the first break up (I broke up with her), which lead to the second one. It was a toxic relationship. I suffer from anxiety disorders and trust issues. The more someone pushes an issue the more I hesitate. At the time I didn't realize that she may have these sort of issue and was not in the frame of mind to deal with it. I was in a messed up place myself. She had the same "i hate you, don't leave me, my life is f***ed, come f**k me" attitude up until one day she became very stable and loving. Very patient. At this point I thought I saw that her and I were having the stable, loving relationship I felt was needed as friends and was becoming more comfortable with the idea of trying again. I also was going through a lot of my own things as well. One day I asked her if she was dating someone else and she said yes. Was so callous and cold. Rubbed it in my face in a way about how amazing this guy is and how they had already talked about moving in together. During the weeks that she was "dating" him and I didn't know, she would call me, send texts to my family, say the right things, tell me she loves me, ect ect.  I was hurt and called her out on some of her actions when I found out about this other guy. She has since blocked me from every aspect of her life. my birthday came and went (it was a month after I found out and got blocked) and nothing. As if I never existed. like now im in the "black". I know that this is a condition and I don't believe she is really just a cold, callous person. She is very loving and caring when in a stable mind. I really don't know what im looking for and I know I will not get a definite answer. I guess what I want is if there are any BPD women on this forum that can give me some advice. I love this women and always will. Despite the f**ked up things we did to each other and the f**ked up relationship we had, she helped me face a lot. If she ever came around again, and Im pretty sure she will (her sister and I have been friends for about 13 years) and I knew I could help her in some way, how could I? Any advice on letting me know what she may have been going through during the end of it all? Also, im not looking for any hate messages about how these women are anything negative. Everyone does wrong to everyone. People make decisions based on needs and wants that can negatively impact someone else. Im looking for facts and advice from people with love in their hearts not bitter people who are filled with hate and anger. Thanks.

[Jmanster]

Hey man, Let me start off by saying is that I FEEL you! I'm 22 years old and I met, who I suspected, a BPD woman. Within three months she already gave me the keys to her apartment, so I know things were moving incredibly fast. We both had problems, and these problems had to do with communicating our emotions to one another. But when it came down to her, she would make things really difficult, she wanted me all to herself, and started to drain me financially, mentally and physically. She even tried to turn me against my own mother because of a misunderstanding that happened at dinner one time. One day, she had a really bad mood swing and I finally decided to end it with her. Two days later I wanted to get back together and she was leaving to another State for work... .While she was there, she trapped me in the limbo stage by ignoring my calls and only sometimes getting back into contact with me. She traveled to 4 other places after, and did the same thing. I THINK I love her still, which is why I still want to try with her, but my intuition says she can really cause me some damage. The thing I realized is that I cannot trust this person. I CANNOT! Why? Because of the lack of communication. Once communication is jeopardized, everything is jeopardized. Dealing with her is like solving a rubix cube that is fighting back. I have never heard of a successful BPD relationship unless major therapy was involved. And even so, it would take years. Yesterday she got me to the point where I just feel so blank towards her. Can I get her to fall back in love with me? Of course I can, but the problem is, will I TRUST HER? I feel that without therapy, trust cannot be regained. My best guess is for you to move on. That is what I am trying to do. As far as the sex, I might still consider sleeping with her still, until I find another woman, but I don't think I can fall back into love with someone who took my heart, chopped it into little pieces, shredded it, burned it, and then threw it into the dirt. If you think you are in love, I guarantee you, that you are INFATUATED. You are imagining her being your dream girl my friend. I'm doing the same. I work with dating coaches ironically so they have taught me how I need to handle things, and one of things that I messed up on, was setting boundaries. But I feel like even with boundaries she would cheat, and continue making my life a living hell.

[EaglesJuju]

Hi Webae  ,

I am glad you found us. I understand how difficult this must be for you.   It really is hard to understand and cope with confusing behavior. It really hurts when you loved one minute then ignored the next.

She had the same "i hate you, don't leave me, my life is f***ed, come f**k me" attitude up until one day she became very stable and loving.  

This type of push and pull behavior is one of many common characteristics of BPD and can be really frustrating. I suggest reading this to gain a better perspective on BPD.  BPD: What is it? How can I tell?

I think it is great that you recognize your role in the relationship. It truly is a great start to working on yourself and healing.  You mentioned that you have co-dependent traits. I am a co-dependent myself.  Have you read anything about co-dependency?  This article is a great start to learning about it. Article 13: Codependency: When Our Emotional Issues Affect Our True Availability


I think it is admirable that you are willing to understand her behavior and want to help her. How do you want to help her?

You mentioned that you are off and on with your relationship.  Are you currently together?  

Keep posting.  There are many members here with similar situations.  Also, we have many  resources available to help you.