Help - he's crept back into my head

[toomanytears]

I am about to set off for a wonderful holiday with my two children and looking forward to forgetting all about my BPDexh, the impending court case and all the horrible associated events. My son, who saw his dad at the weekend, just handed me a Christmas card from his dad addressed to me.  I told my son that I couldn't send his dad one, since my BPDexh has threatened me with court if I contact him (I texted his GF to ask when their affair began - since I suspected there had been an overlap with me - this resulted in a threat of indictment from his solicitor)

Just seeing his handwriting is sending me into a flat spin. I've thrown the card in the cupboard for now - I certainly don't want to take it on holiday with me and perhaps I should bin it before I am tempted to open it. But now I find he's wheedled back into my head and my thoughts keep being dragged back to him (the sweet side that I miss). Help me guys. I don't want him to spoil the lovely time I am going to have with my kids.    

[Vatz]

First off, happy holidays.

Second, it's normal that you have thoughts of him creeping back in. I'm assuming from your end there was love, caring and emotional investment. There is nothing wrong with remembering the good bits. Just remember... .

There were impending court dates, this alone should help your resolve. Having a legal battle with a loved one is a sign that all communication has broken down. It means that you two should not be in a room together without an "authority figure" (  I hate the term) present. Threatening legal action means one wants to either hurt the other, or is so frightened they must defend themselves. Either way, not a good look.

What you had with him may not have been totally real. I sometimes struggle to keep this in mind because I really did think I met someone who had the traits that I adored. It was just mirroring which can say more about us than them. Anyway, whatever you two had was partially in your own head. Your idea of him.

You have children. They're why you look forward to the holidays.

Oh and another point, yes you should throw it away. It helps. Sometimes simply the act of throwing something away can put you in the right state of mind. You can better stand your ground and move forward. There is no going back. You must have loved him. His sending you a card is a reminder of such times. But such times are over.

Hope this helped.

[hope2727]

Sorry he crept back in.

I think however you should start a file and throw the cared in there. Don't even open it. I kept every shred of evidence in a divorce from an unstable man a decade ago and it all helped. My lawyer said gated grains of rice. Tiny bits of evidence. Not big smoking guns. Just tiny grains of rice. Each one adds to your pile of evidence until it is so huge that the judge believes you. It was some of the best advice I have ever had. I collected cell phone records, bank statements, receipts, online dating account information, pay stubs, everything I could. I let the lawyer sort out what could be used. Worked like a charm. 

Now go enjoy that vacation. Have a drink with an umbrella in it for me. 

[Elpis]

toomanytears, I feel ya on this one!

I can be sailing along, firm in my knowledge of the truth of my relationship with my uBPDh, then something reminds me of a good time we had. Or even just all the changes i'm having to go through since i'm the one who finally chose to leave a relationship that has caused me some huge emotional health issues.

I think as we go forward we will be able to have the pleasant memories (which will be good for your children to know about) while realizing the bigger truth of the relationship, that it was unhealthy for all concerned. My son is 26 and his dad will use him as a go-between for messages and guilt. I hate that.

My mother was one of those people who seemed to have 2 distinct sides, a charming, fun side and a dark, mean side. It took me years to be able to accept that I had experiences with both these parts of her within the same person, and then I could make peace with the good memories and the bad. I think we'll have to do that with our exes at some point while we realistically look at the balance of good to bad, recognizing that for us the bad stuff ended up outweighing the good.

Enjoy those wonderful kids and your holiday! Do remember that since you've been instructed to not contact your ex there's something troubling and maybe manipulative about your ex sending you a card via your child... .

[toomanytears]

Thanks all for your really useful replies which have got my head back on track. This one from Elpis hit the nail on the head for what had been nagging at me but I couldn't articulate... .yes manipulate. That is the only way I can see this. And I'll add it to my pile of 'Emails evidencing behaviour' just in case I need it for court... .

Do remember that since you've been instructed to not contact your ex there's something troubling and maybe manipulative about your ex sending you a card via your child... .

I do love this site. Drinks are on me in our wonderful supportive parallel universe. Happy holidays all!          

[Elpis]

Thanks, toomanytears! i'll take something with an umbrella in it please!