Grown child and uBPDh ganging up against me.

[Elpis]

There have been so many hard things about coming to terms with the reality of my relationship--the controlling, his alternate view of truth, the raging--but the fact that one of our daughters and her husband have joined forces with him to tell me what an awful human being I am (unsupportive, using "HIS" money to live separately... .) is killing me.

I've gotten better in the 10 months I've been out of the house and now don't melt into my ptsd-trauma self when i'm heaped with these mean statements about me, and I can be calm within these texted communications (she lives in another country.) But dang, I'm strong for a day or two and then my heart just sinks at the cruelty of it all. They've totally bought into his version of things even though she knows (and has told me about times) when he twisted the truth to fit his own "story of self."

I know they're getting something out of this little gang action, maybe it's just that he's given them more attention in the past 10 months than he has in 15 years. All I know is it's disheartening. And crazy painful.

Other similar experiences out there?

[Mutt]

I'm sorry. This is very hard

I can relate. You're in a BPD distortion campaign.

[Turkish]

There have been so many hard things about coming to terms with the reality of my relationship--the controlling, his alternate view of truth, the raging--but the fact that one of our daughters and her husband have joined forces with him to tell me what an awful human being I am (unsupportive, using "HIS" money to live separately... .) is killing me.

I've gotten better in the 10 months I've been out of the house and now don't melt into my ptsd-trauma self when i'm heaped with these mean statements about me, and I can be calm within these texted communications (she lives in another country.) But dang, I'm strong for a day or two and then my heart just sinks at the cruelty of it all. They've totally bought into his version of things even though she knows (and has told me about times) when he twisted the truth to fit his own "story of self."

I know they're getting something out of this little gang action, maybe it's just that he's given them more attention in the past 10 months than he has in 15 years. All I know is it's disheartening. And crazy painful.

Other similar experiences out there?

I think you're probably onto something there. He's successfully triangulated, and they bought into it. Even though you know what it is, it probably doesn't lessen the hurt any. Have you limited contact with them now (by phone or emails, I assume, since they live far away)? How are the other kids?

[Elpis]

Mutt, he excels at distorting the truth indeed!

Turkish, fortunately my daughter has limited her communication with me since she's decided i'm Satan's spawn, but it's difficult to get primarily sh!te texts from her when I do. The other kids are quite good, though since the youngest still lives with his dad he's clearly uncomfortable about whatever stuff he hears. Also unfortunately my uBPDh will use him for a go-between for messages of guilt. Such fun!

I do love hearing how hard i'm making it on her dad by using *his* money and not working (since i'm on disability.) Our oldest started to buy into this *his* money thing way back at the beginning when I left, but I just reminded her that it's ours and she easily recognized that truth.

Even knowing the Truth of the Matter myself it's hard to get such dismissive and cruel texts from my daughter, knowing she and her husband don't know the truth of our relationship and don't seem to care to. Not like I would tell them anyway. I suspected way back in February that they would take anything I said to them to my uBPDh, and sure enough, they've told him everything I ever said to them in confidence when I was trying to understand what was going on and before I realized I shouldn't be talking to them about it. But they like the power of the knowledge, and got really pissed off when I wouldn't give them details after I moved out and let them tell me how to act.

Hopefully someday before I die they'll catch on to the truth!

I walked right into the path of this recent tornado--my uBPDh had told me that I left the out-of-country daughter and son in law with debt after my visit a year ago September. Having thought i'd paid them back what we'd agreed, I texted her to ask about the debt and offer to pay back if she'd get me an amount. Turns out that the fun trip she planned for our joint birthdays while I was there was all done on credit cards, and THAT'S the debt they're talking about! The part she'd offered is now *my* debt I've left them with. Hmm... .So she got really salty about me offering to pay because i'm already making it so hard on her father and would just be using *his* money. (Apparently the 38 years I raised kids and did foster care and took care of him and the house doesn't make it *our* money.)

So, my bad, I should have been more mindful of whatever my h was trying to do to me by telling me about the "debt." I was just trying to be responsible, yunno?

[Pingo]

Ugh, Elpis, I'm so sorry that you are dealing with this!  It's so hard when not only you are grieving your marriage but not getting the support you could use from your children and feeling attacked by them.  I would recommend not trying to defend yourself to them.  Just keep it short like it's between their Dad and you to work out and not their concern.  And then don't budge!  Although I don't share children with my uBPDexh, I have dealt with something like this with my mother!  She decided 4 1/2 yrs ago to go behind my back and move my daughter out of province 3000 miles away to their house bc she didn't agree on my tough love stance with my daughter (who was 16 at the time).  She led a smear campaign and I think it was to justify her repulsive actions.  She accused me of horrible things.  It was a rough go for a few years as my daughter went back and forth between my house and theirs but I remained firm on my boundaries and refused to fight with my daughter about my mother.  My daughter eventually saw through her grandmother and came home.  Our r/s is much better now. 

Sending you a big hug  It's not easy!  Hang in there!

[Mutt]

Even knowing the Truth of the Matter myself it's hard to get such dismissive and cruel texts from my daughter, knowing she and her husband don't know the truth of our relationship and don't seem to care to. Not like I would tell them anyway. I suspected way back in February that they would take anything I said to them to my uBPDh, and sure enough, they've told him everything I ever said to them in confidence when I was trying to understand what was going on and before I realized I shouldn't be talking to them about it. But they like the power of the knowledge, and got really pissed off when I wouldn't give them details after I moved out and let them tell me how to act.

Triangulation is like a three legged stool. Remove one of the legs and the stool collapses.

Don't JADE ( Justify, Attack, Defend, Explain ) your truth. Truth has a way of working it's way out on it's own.

There are two sides to every story.

Perhaps it is a good idea to maintain low-contact with all 3.

[Elpis]

Thanks Pingo! What both you and Mutt say about not explaining and keeping low contact is exactly where I am. There's no point explaining when nobody is listening. When people try to draw us into an argument they're getting some sort of satisfaction out of it, and I don't feel like playing into their stupid game.

I need to pay better attention to what my uBPDh says, KNOWING that he will try to engage me and pull me into their silliness.

If the truth eventually comes out, great. If it doesn't, well, I don't answer to God for their choices, only mine. I'll be really sad, but i know i don't own their choices of how to treat me. Blecch.

[seeking balance]

This is a tough situation Elpis

What I found is when I am very clear on my boundaries (for me first) then clearly express them using DEARMAN - it helps me let go.

High conflict people are everywhere, when they are in our own Family, it is a challenge.  At the end of the day, balancing what we can tolerate and easily let go of with behavior that is truly harmful (ptsd-triggering, etc) is the key.

Do you know your core triggers and have you been in therapy yourself to help in terms of strategy healing when these are pushed?

Peace,

SB

[Elpis]

Hi SB! Yep, I've been in therapy since my likely NPD mother died in 2001, and the last five years or so with my uBPDh has really been a learning journey about my trauma triggers. I've been working hard in this time since I've been out of the house to truly define those triggers and work to change that dynamic. The worst that I've learned is the child part of me kept thinking I was going to abandon her, and with reason! I let her get emotionally beat up over and over through the marriage. That was an amazing lesson to learn! Now I'm much more aware of the sensations that show me I may be leaving her unprotected. (Really y'all, I do know I'm only one person!)

What a process though. Tiring.

[seeking balance]

The worst that I've learned is the child part of me kept thinking I was going to abandon her, and with reason!

What a process though. Tiring.

Yeah, it is tiring.

What a hard lesson to accept - sounds like you have been doing a lot of work on identifying root causes 

For me, I have a practice of things that help rebalance me when I have FOO triggers hit - sort of had to accept they will hit, but now I have a strategy to work through my own process if that makes sense.

Simple stuff really - low contact when needed, yoga, hot bath - you know that self care stuff... .focus here helps me rebalance quicker these days.

Peace,

SB

[Elpis]

Yup, I also seem to have to accept that I'll have sad and angry feelings after this crap gets stirred. I know what the truth is, but that doesn't keep me from suffering when my daughter takes a similar condescending and mean tone as her dad. Much self care and venting needed!

[Lucky Jim]

If the truth eventually comes out, great. If it doesn't, well, I don't answer to God for their choices, only mine. I'll be really sad, but i know i don't own their choices of how to treat me.

Hey dreamflier, I like how you put that.  I can relate as well and am in a somewhat similar situation, except that my kids are teenagers and live with my BPDxW, who has brainwashed them into thinking that I am a terrible person.  It's hard, I agree, yet I know that it was the right thing for me to leave an abusive situation.  I guess I never expected that I would be vilified for it by my own kids, but I'm sure it's hard for them to disagree when their mother paints me black.  In the meantime, I try to be patient and remind myself that, as Mutt notes, truth has a way of surfacing all on its own.

LuckyJim

[Elpis]

Yes Lucky Jim, it does.

My uNPD mother made it very clear to me that my father was the cause of all my problems. Fortunately it didn't take much time away from her to realize I had far more problems from her NPD than from his alcoholism!