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Before you can make things better, you have to stop making them worse... Have you considered that being critical, judgmental, or invalidating toward the other parent, no matter what she or he just did will only make matters worse? Someone has to be do something. This means finding the motivation to stop making things worse, learning how to interrupt your own negative responses, body language, facial expressions, voice tone, and learning how to inhibit your urges to do things that you later realize are contributing to the tensions.
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Author Topic: Love Addiction  (Read 321 times)
KeepOnGoing
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« on: December 18, 2014, 11:07:00 PM »

So my session with my therapist was amazing. I am beginning to feel a shift. Had a great lunch with an AA buddy before my session who also wrestles with love addiction. He told me that he learned from the big book on p. 44: "... .but to continue as he is means disaster... ." Why would we choose disaster? Why continue? It is a mental shift and decision just like everything else.

When I asked how he avoids disaster - of course he reminded me of the spiritual aspect, but he also shared that when he begins that POA connection - that spiritual high - all that is in a word is Lust. One of the seven deadly sins we are warned about in our program. He also says he looks in the mirror and says, you're not a boy anymore, you're a grown man. These Lustful feelings are really childlike. You're not a child anymore.

He also shared with me the story of a boy who went to the chief and asked about the two wolves - one represents good - the other represents evil (or addiction). The boy asks the chief, "How will I know which one will succeed or survive?" The chief said, "The one that will survive is the one you feed." Nice. I get it. I can't feed my love addiction.

And my therapist says the progress comes right now from just being in the withdrawal. Yes, it is uncomfortable, but just be with it and try new things to bring myself back to the now. Catch myself going off into fantasy. Catch myself beginning to wander off into shame and guilt. Also recognize that the only real true break in any addiction is ABSTINENCE, and that I can worry and whine all I want about my BPD friend not speaking to me and not giving me closure, but the truth is, it is better this way. God really is taking care of me, and I really am taking care of myself. I played a role in beginning to let go. My BPD friend just let go absolutely without my knowledge, and I now know. So Move on. Keep on going... .

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enlighten me
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« Reply #1 on: December 19, 2014, 01:11:31 AM »

This is the hardest thing to get in our heads. We may have or still do love them but did they recipricate it. If not then why pursue an unrequited love.

We grow up with the fantasy of love. We see it in films. Hear it in songs but it doesnt have to be the whirlwind romance that we get from a pwBPD. Im not saying that it cant happen like that and last but we fall heavily for a pwBPD because it is how we are led to believe love happens.

Realising that I wasnt special to my ex has helped the detatchments and my healing. Letting go of the love idea has been the hard part. That is why I recommend believing the worst of your ex so that you can disengage and dont get any nasty suprises later in.
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Deeno02
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« Reply #2 on: December 19, 2014, 10:26:50 AM »

This is the hardest thing to get in our heads. We may have or still do love them but did they recipricate it. If not then why pursue an unrequited love.

We grow up with the fantasy of love. We see it in films. Hear it in songs but it doesnt have to be the whirlwind romance that we get from a pwBPD. Im not saying that it cant happen like that and last but we fall heavily for a pwBPD because it is how we are led to believe love happens.

Realising that I wasnt special to my ex has helped the detatchments and my healing. Letting go of the love idea has been the hard part. That is why I recommend believing the worst of your ex so that you can disengage and dont get any nasty suprises later in.

Yeah. Painful as it may be to PAINT them the way they painted me, You are right. My love wasnt returned and its sad to me and its so very hurtful to realize you didnt mean anything other than being a placeholder or useful tool to get them through their adversity, and poof!, your done with. Makes it hard to love again, but it does open one's eyes to what I did wrong to bring this on. I had no boundries. I enabled her as I have enabled others in my life. I have a fear of alone. Well, not a fear per se, more like a dislike because I can handle alone, I dont like it though. Thats why Im staying with the black thoughts of her because I really cant think of any good. I sat with my son and my daughter( who were affected by this r/s as I had) and together we could only come up with 3-4 good column things. The bad far out weighed the good. Why would I do this to myself again?
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enlighten me
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« Reply #3 on: December 19, 2014, 11:10:27 AM »

Exactly deeno. Im still trying to work out how much of the discomfort( to put it midly) has to do wiyh love and how much is my dented (battered) ego.
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Deeno02
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« Reply #4 on: December 19, 2014, 11:17:03 AM »

Exactly deeno. Im still trying to work out how much of the discomfort( to put it midly) has to do wiyh love and how much is my dented (battered) ego.

Has nothing to do with the dented ego. That was after market! You'll get there. Im not 100%, probably never will be again. But I sure have learned to pick up red flags now!
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enlighten me
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« Reply #5 on: December 19, 2014, 11:30:43 AM »

This is my second uBPD relationship. My first was 14 years in total. I didnt know or understand anything about BPD  until after I split with my exgf. Its been a lot easier the second time around but it has thrown up more questions about myself. I think my ego has a lot to do with it. Going from thinking you were their saviour to discovering you were nothing has really dented my ego/ confidence or however you wish to label it.

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Deeno02
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« Reply #6 on: December 19, 2014, 11:40:12 AM »

This is my second uBPD relationship. My first was 14 years in total. I didnt know or understand anything about BPD  until after I split with my exgf. Its been a lot easier the second time around but it has thrown up more questions about myself. I think my ego has a lot to do with it. Going from thinking you were their saviour to discovering you were nothing has really dented my ego/ confidence or however you wish to label it.

I dont think so. It may have brought something to your attension like it did me. You even mentioned it. A savior. Been doing that for to long, but no one was there to save me, so gotta do it myself. No room for her and her BS. Me first now.
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ucmeicu2
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« Reply #7 on: December 20, 2014, 02:37:25 PM »

This is my second uBPD relationship. My first was 14 years in total. I didnt know or understand anything about BPD  until after I split with my exgf. Its been a lot easier the second time around but it has thrown up more questions about myself. I think my ego has a lot to do with it. Going from thinking you were their saviour to discovering you were nothing has really dented my ego/ confidence or however you wish to label it.

hi enlighten me, i agree it's ego.  100%.  were it not for ego i wouldn't have so much difficulty detaching, right?  were it not for ego i could simply say "she doesn't want me, so i'll just let her go" or "it's not working, so i'll just end it and move on with a happy life" or "this has become too painful so i will just detach so i won't feel the pain anymore"... .   b/c why would i want to make somebody be with me that doesn't want to be with me; why would i want to stay with somebody with whom it wasn't fulfilling; why would i stay with someone that was causing me such pain.   no, instead there is aching, longing, resistance, anger, denial of reality, etc etc.  

and going from Saviour to Nobody is one hell of a demotion, Laugh out loud (click to insert in post)!

ALL ego IMO.

icu
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enlighten me
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« Reply #8 on: December 20, 2014, 03:27:23 PM »

It has to be ego now as I dont want her anymore but I want her to still want me or at least have wanted me as something more than a plaything.
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