I want her back - she is ignoring me

[guy4caligirl]

I just wonder , if they are over us , and life is so blissfully happy for them , why do they ignore our texts .

Are they still attached to us and don't want to show it ?

If they went on with their lives why don't they just reply short and easy ?

What's the deal here ?

[EaglesJuju]

I believe that they ignore texts because, they cannot deal with the feelings (hurt, shame, guilt, sadness) associated to you.  It is the old ostrich syndrome.  It is hard to understand, if you are looking at it from perspective of a non disordered person.  Did you text her and she ignored you?

[guy4caligirl]

Yes I did yesterday , after 12 days NC as I think in my situation , I feel like the NC thing is not set in stones .

Al I said is nothing but sweet things I don't care how she takes it , weakness or else , yes I have a weakness towards her ,I know it's going to hurt  me either way , as I hurt a lot less than I did five months ago .

I am thinking to text her and say" Perhaps you're having second thoughts why are you ignoring me ?" .?

I walked on eggs while with her why should I continue doing that ?

[Splitblack4good]

I'm going thru this aswell at the moment my has told me she's happy with my replacement told me it's over etc not to contact her . I get unblocked from her phone followed by a text saying sorry about seeing you today (she turned up at a mates house ) then I text her no hard feelings etc happy Xmas can I have the last of my things back . And now silent treatment and still trying her hardest to cause conflict between mutuel freinds and avoiding me like the plaque !

[guy4caligirl]

How long since you have seeing her last ?

[Splitblack4good]

I believe that they ignore texts because, they cannot deal with the feelings (hurt, shame, guilt, sadness) associated to you.  It is the old ostrich syndrome.  It is hard to understand, if you are looking at it from perspective of a non disordered person.  Did you text her and she ignored you?

If this is right and true why do they sometimes come back ? Surely if they feel like that now then in the future they will feel the same way ?

[EaglesJuju]

Yes I did yesterday , after 12 days NC as I think in my situation , I feel like the NC thing is not set in stones .

Al I said is nothing but sweet things I don't care how she takes it , weakness or else , yes I have a weakness towards her ,I know it's going to hurt  me either way , as I hurt a lot less than I did five months ago .

I am thinking to text her and say" Perhaps you're having second thoughts why are you ignoring me ?" .?

I walked on eggs while with her why should I continue doing that ?

Contact is totally dependent on what your needs are and what you want.  NC works for some people, where as LC can work for others. You should not walk on eggshells but,  you have to understand certain things that are said can trigger a pwBPD. I would suggest rephrasing your text to her.  

[Splitblack4good]

How long since you have seeing her last ?

About two weeks ago if they are happy etc why will she got give my things back either ? Can they not except the fact that we except it's over ? If that makes sense ?

[EaglesJuju]

I believe that they ignore texts because, they cannot deal with the feelings (hurt, shame, guilt, sadness) associated to you.  It is the old ostrich syndrome.  It is hard to understand, if you are looking at it from perspective of a non disordered person.  Did you text her and she ignored you?

If this is right and true why do they sometimes come back ? Surely if they feel like that now then in the future they will feel the same way ?

PwBPD's thoughts/feelings are erratic, and can change instantaneously.  They come back, when they "paint you white,"  meaning they start to associate you with positive feelings.

[Mutt]

I believe that they ignore texts because, they cannot deal with the feelings (hurt, shame, guilt, sadness) associated to you.  It is the old ostrich syndrome.  It is hard to understand, if you are looking at it from perspective of a non disordered person.  :)id you text her and she ignored you?

If this is right and true why do they sometimes come back ? Surely if they feel like that now then in the future they will feel the same way ?

Much of the behavior is driven by the disorder and the disorder is emotional based. As EagleJuju points out feelings are quicksilver to a pwBPD and the cycles change rapidly. Your ex may feel one way in the present moment and differently in several minutes or hours.

At the center of this disorder is the core wound of abandonment, abandonment, abandonment fears, trauma as EagleJuju articulates with feelings of hurt, shame, guilt, sadness as the central theme. One would assume a painful burden?

It may seem like she has moved on and it hurts us as we may not be validated or given proper closure. Your ex copes differently with many defense mechanisms and maladaptive coping skills.  It may seem outwardly that life is blissful now, the core wound is still there

and the disorder is triggered by intimacy hence the cycle fear of abandonment and engulfment continues.

[guy4caligirl]

I won't text her , that but I did  text this "Why are you ignoring me "

I think why we have hard time detaching because we can't imagine them being happy for real there is a lot we know about them , the new guy may or may not . But the odds he already  saw the flags and ignored it like we did .

Now ,the fact that we think they might come back gets us stuck in there , I read a lot learned a lot , but I am still wanting another go at it , it's personal and my decision I know her she is a messed up child , we all have problems , I just dated a girl for two days , she had to stay with me a night or two in another bedroom , I saw the signs of BPD big time after 5 hours of meeting her she made my ex look like a saint BPD .

I couldn't wait to get her out and I did not even touch her ,looks  like I relived the two days Chios of the BPD sickness with this girl, but I put up with it with my ex because I endure her out of love, it was so easy for me to  to shut down that new one .

That been said , I feel like just sit still and weather the storm with my ex till the spring , if I am still longing her and she never came back then I am going to get busy and go on with my life . I am going to stay single and no more dates for me ,  I am not ready yet .

I spent 5 years with her they say one month for each year to get over add a half month for the BPD recovery 7 and a half months , I cannot defeat the process .

[Deeno02]

Contacting them is not on my to do list. Good on ya if you guys can handle it, but I cant. I couldnt survive another bout of this lady... .

[Mr Hollande]

Contacting them is not on my to do list. Good on ya if you guys can handle it, but I cant. I couldnt survive another bout of this lady... .

Same for me.

[EaglesJuju]

Now ,the fact that we think they might come back gets us stuck in there , I read a lot learned a lot , but I am still wanting another go at it , it's personal and my decision I know her she is a messed up child , we all have problems ,

That been said , I feel like just sit still and weather the storm with my ex till the spring , if I am still longing her and she never came back then I am going to get busy and go on with my life . I am going to stay single and no more dates for me ,  I am not ready yet .

It seems that you want to try to reconnect. Why are you intending to sit still and weather the storm?  Forgive me, I am not familiar with your situation. 

[Mutt]

Now ,the fact that we think they might come back gets us stuck in there

You make a valid point. I was stuck here and struggled. NC is difficult guy4caligirl.

I often read on the leaving board - "how" do we move past this?

I have to agree with Seeking Balance. I had invested my happiness in the relationship. A painful loss when the relationship ended. I came to the realization that my ex does not hold the key to my happiness. I hope the article helps.

1) Belief that this person holds the key to your happiness

[Splitblack4good]

I believe that they ignore texts because, they cannot deal with the feelings (hurt, shame, guilt, sadness) associated to you.  It is the old ostrich syndrome.  It is hard to understand, if you are looking at it from perspective of a non disordered person.  :)id you text her and she ignored you?

If this is right and true why do they sometimes come back ? Surely if they feel like that now then in the future they will feel the same way ?

PwBPD's thoughts/feelings are erratic, and can change instantaneously.  They come back, when they "paint you white,"  meaning they start to associate you with positive feelings.

I can only imagine my ex is ignoring me due to what you have stated above plus maybe regret . I ended it with her after she started an argument  . She was devaluing me anyway at the time . Got with someone instantly lack of impulse control ! Plus I rang to apoligies and asked if we could sort it out . She said no .Then it all came back to her a week later  our plans for Xmas etc she rang me crying blaming me and then started saying I had ruined everything after I reminded her all these things but she was to far into the new guy This point he was even living ther I beleive . Then her smear campaine back fired and lost freinds over it .then I heard she is arguing with my replacement  already 5/6 weeks in to ther relationship now she is still clutching at straws trying to slag me off to people mutuel freinds etc . And the bit I don't get is she unblocked me from her phone and I'm still unblocked now ? All I can think is I triggered her big time abandonment fears when she rang me she said it was over because I abandoned her and her kids like everyone else does ! And acussed me of planing the break up on purpose to get out of Xmas etc ! I told her if that were true then why would I want to sort it out ? Even now she is blaming me for her and her kids going to have a crap Xmas now but she could of sorted it ! Can anyone here tell me how this makes sense or can see it were she's coming from were the BPD is concerned as to why she didn't fix this when she could have .

I can only think she is regretting most of it hence she lashed out to start with then the hatred texts now silence .

[guy4caligirl]

Thank you Mutt

Eagle juju

I am in the seasonal business the spring is where it gets back it's a resort area on the ocean .

It's a ghost town at this time , loneliness is all over the place, internet dating is rough you don't know who you're dealing with till you see them in person I explained in my last post what happened .

That's why I said the spring , I go through a seasonal depression at this time but I went through it for years and It always go away , My ex was with me I was entertained real well   good and bad , now me and our dog she misses the dog but not me . (I don't think so ).

5 years R/S 5 months since B/U .

[Aussie JJ]

Mine said something to me that shocked me a fair bit when I initiated contact, it got her responding as well. 

She said I had changed. 

What did I change, I ignored the BS and was myself again, I didnt beg, I didnt facilitate, I walked away and I was myself.  She said I was healthier again.  I then said, lets work through those issues.  Instantly the shame came out. 

happy I was all good again, then I ask can we work through those issues, her response.  shutdown, I am no longer that happy attachment, romantically I am assosiated with being bad so that the new partner can be all good. 

If I was still good and a romantic partner material then it would imply that she is bad for leaving me in the first place.  They not only paint us black they paint themselves black as well.  Thats the shame side of it, no empathy for themselves either. 

Forgive but dont forget.  Love them for who they are and recognise unless they choose to change, just as you can only choose to change yoruselves.  It cant work.   :'(

Sorry guy4caligirl.  Like you I don't understand it, I still can say I love her and care for her and know what that means to me.  I wont slander or paint her black.  She is who she is and I will still choose to respect her as a person regardless, as a romantic partner, never can it be. 


AJJ. 

[EaglesJuju]

I can only imagine my ex is ignoring me due to what you have stated above plus maybe regret . I ended it with her after she started an argument  . She was devaluing me anyway at the time . Got with someone instantly lack of impulse control ! Plus I rang to apoligies and asked if we could sort it out . She said no .Then it all came back to her a week later  our plans for Xmas etc she rang me crying blaming me and then started saying I had ruined everything after I reminded her all these things but she was to far into the new guy This point he was even living ther I beleive . Then her smear campaine back fired and lost freinds over it .

I can only think she is regretting most of it hence she lashed out to start with then the hatred texts now silence .

As Mutt stated before, abandonment and variations thereof, are central to pwBPD.  PwBPD cope with their abandonment issues  in various ways, such as projection, splitting, avoidance, withdrawing, dissociation etc. It seems that their maladaptive coping mechanisms are as erratic as their thoughts/feelings.  

[guy4caligirl]

What if I text this . "I realize that I love you just they way you are missing you  ."

Would that help ?

[Mutt]

What if I text this . "I realize that I love you just they way you are missing you  ."

Would that help ?

It's your choice if you want to text. Keep in mind the message you send may not be received as intended.

What is your goal?

[Splitblack4good]

I believe that they ignore texts because, they cannot deal with the feelings (hurt, shame, guilt, sadness) associated to you.  It is the old ostrich syndrome.  It is hard to understand, if you are looking at it from perspective of a non disordered person.  :)id you text her and she ignored you?

If this is right and true why do they sometimes come back ? Surely if they feel like that now then in the future they will feel the same way ?

PwBPD's thoughts/feelings are erratic, and can change instantaneously.  They come back, when they "paint you white,"  meaning they start to associate you with positive feelings.

I can only imagine my ex is ignoring me due to what you have stated above plus maybe regret . I ended it with her after she started an argument  . She was devaluing me anyway at the time . Got with someone instantly lack of impulse control ! Plus I rang to apoligies and asked if we could sort it out . She said no .Then it all came back to her a week later  our plans for Xmas etc she rang me crying blaming me and then started saying I had ruined everything after I reminded her all these things but she was to far into the new guy This point he was even living ther I beleive . Then her smear campaine back fired and lost freinds over it .then I heard she is arguing with my replacement  already 5/6 weeks in to ther relationship now she is still clutching at straws trying to slag me off to people mutuel freinds etc . And the bit I don't get is she unblocked me from her phone and I'm still unblocked now ? All I can think is I triggered her big time abandonment fears when she rang me she said it was over because I abandoned her and her kids like everyone else does ! And acussed me of planing the break up on purpose to get out of Xmas etc ! I told her if that were true then why would I want to sort it out ? Even now she is blaming me for her and her kids going to have a crap Xmas now but she could of sorted it ! Can anyone here tell me how this makes sense or can see it were she's coming from were the BPD is concerned as to why she didn't fix this when she could have .

I can only think she is regretting most of it hence she lashed out to start with then the hatred texts now silence .

Do you think my ex is ever gona paint me white again after all the above ? sorry to laugh if I don't il cry (not really ) I just don't get why she is still even now trying to slag me off ? I've told her I except it's over after trying to sort it out . She got what she wants why ignore/silent treatment ? I think I'm likely to be splitblack4good !

[Aussie JJ]

What if I text this . "I realize that I love you just they way you are missing you  ."

Would that help ?

guy4caligirl,

I have a work collegue or old work collegue that has BPD, 100 % more than my ex does.  She is sort of medium functioning if that adds up.  Not low, not high.  

I talk with her using SET and SET only now, I sometimes leave the truth out when speaking to her.  Verbatim below is one of my texts to her

ME:

I can understand feeling anoyed and even pissed that someone would do that to you and your justified in wanting to get some closure.  I just know I am happier myself moving on from negative people in my life, I get nothing but pain from continuing to engage with toxic people.  My 2 cents.  

HER:

Yea but he lied to me and went behind my back, you dont ___ me around I will get you back.  Someone disrespects me I get them back and cause them 10x more pain than I get.  I am a vindictive b___ and i wont give up when someone does this to me you should know that .  Fk him he deserves it.  

No insight whatsoever.  She repeats this pattern with everything, jobs.  Loves them and leaves them.  New boyfriend that is into motorbikes.  She buys a motor bike.  He does something to put her off, she puts a restraining order against him.  She has had 4 previous BF's that she has taken through the Police with AVO's (Agrivated Violence Orders) and others that she has dobbed into the tax office etc.  

No ability to see her role in the dysfunction.  I have always been a friend to her, always known something is off.  Yet she comes back to me in cycles, I wont hear from her for a few months then get bombed like crazy with texts and phone calls with the new disaster in her life.  I step back alot more and have distanced myself a fair bit from her.  I know the damage she is capable of, I am getting her out of my life slowly.  I dont want her to start accusations against me or go to my ex partner with made up BS.  

She offered to lie for me going to court to say she had witnessed stuff.  I asked her what stuff, her response.  You tell me and I'll say it.  

She will say anything to keep me (friend = attachment) happy and fears abandonment/rejection if she doesnt do that.  

Both of our ex's will say all of these things to defend themselves and make them feel better about there actions.  Step back and ask what you want from the text message... .


AJJ.  

[guy4caligirl]

One more chance  .

we never recycled before , we had spaces like visiting her family , she did not walked out on me and yes she didn't cheat on me while together.

It was a mutual thing that we broke off , nasty words to each others a year before she finally left .

Though at the time when she left 5 months ago she will come back ,this time she met someone and was not planning to which  I have evidence to believe her ,if that person wasn't there at that moment she would have come back ,but she believes that it was meant to be , two weeks after her departure she became silent and asked me to cut all ties with  her  she kept it like she was single no boyfriend till a month ago .

[Aussie JJ]

guy4caligirl,

if your going to give her one more chance.  Be clear with what you expect and what you will and wont tollerate.  Be willing to be nuteral and not say things like BUT YOU DID THIS!

Dont JADE conversations etc.  It is hard buddy... .

If doing this, get off this board now and head over to the staying or undecided board.  It is a whole different kettle of fish to leaving. 

I have seen your posts over a while and know that you still care and love this woman.  Nothing wrong with that, recognise that there is also alot of pain that your carrying and you cant take that in if trying again. 

Lastly, set a limit on when you will stop to protect yourself.  Say, at this point I will accept that it cant be and then walk away for my own health. 


AJJ. 

[Deeno02]

Good luck dude if you choose to reengage. I personally couldnt do it.

[EaglesJuju]

Do you think my ex is ever gona paint me white again after all the above ? sorry to laugh if I don't il cry (not really ) I just don't get why she is still even now trying to slag me off ? I've told her I except it's over after trying to sort it out . She got what she wants why ignore/silent treatment ? I think I'm likely to be splitblack4good !

I cannot answer that because, everyone, including pwBPD, has individual traits/characteristics.  Individuality is a factor and generalizations about the behavior of pwBPD are not always true. I do not know if she will idealize you again.

Do you really accept that it is over?

[guy4caligirl]

Well , I posted that today knowing that I would get lots of help .

Thank you all for the kind words , I know you feel with me you live it everyday .

Yes I do love this girl , I feel like I can help her because I want to , in the same token I understand what I am going to face , I am up and down with my feelings I really am , I am not in pain like I use to be I am out of the fog , I know her illness made her act , split me black , that's is her . I feel I can do a better job coping with her illness and get treatments .

She knows I care no matter what she tells me . I made my mistakes but willing to make it up .

But the decision lays in her hands not mine let's see if she texts back I will keep you informed I sent her a text about my son's and said if you would like to see his first solo flight on you tube "our only son that you helped raise "He was 10 now 16 , you can say I just wanted to feel her out and see ... .She is the kind of low functioning BPD no job no money , but I don't forget that she survived and will also survive.

Man life is sometimes hard but I am who I am I do NOT give up easy .

No more texting until she responds .

I really don't know what i would have done without you my friends here, thank you all for your support and happy holidays for all of you hope your wishes all come true with them or without them , after all it's an individual base choice         

[guy4caligirl]

Do you really accept that it is over?

In reality yes I do accept that's over , she still occupies the penthouse in my heart ,but I am hanging in there not in pain but in hope , if it comes to I,t I will deal with it then with a open mind and no fog . 4 months ago I would have walked 600 miles to go get her now I will fly her down 

[Splitblack4good]

Do you think my ex is ever gona paint me white again after all the above ? sorry to laugh if I don't il cry (not really ) I just don't get why she is still even now trying to slag me off ? I've told her I except it's over after trying to sort it out . She got what she wants why ignore/silent treatment ? I think I'm likely to be splitblack4good !

I cannot answer that because, everyone, including pwBPD, has individual traits/characteristics.  Individuality is a factor and generalizations about the behavior of pwBPD are not always true. I do not know if she will idealize you again.

Do you really accept that it is over?

Yes unfortunately I do . Not because she is with my replacement  but we recycled 2/3 times and she always said I never spent enough time with her witch to an extent is true . It's easy to think or blame her for saying that as she has BPD however I do remember times when I got abit complacent and ignored her plus I made lots of mistakes that you should never make with a BPD person like I kept bringing up one of her mistakes that hurt me in the  past in an argument made her feel like I couldn't forgive her or forget second biggest mistake I started shouting at her and getting angry to the point I threw things in anger towards the last 2 months of our relationship that's not good because they always remember negative bad things that happened towards the end so much so she said I had changed not the same person I was years ago and she is scared of me now.it was only out of frustraightsion with her and I shouldn't of done it but was hard not to .That said if I had of given her all the attention she did want would that of ever been enough ? She kept telling then when I did do that things started to go really well she was really happy we both were . Then out of nowhere she started goin out with new group of freinds and neglectede and her kids that's how the argument started . Then decided a break it was mutuel how ever Abandonment fear kicked in for her as feelings equal facts . Next day she started false accusations against me I lost it and ended it so unbeknown to me at the time gave her a double hit of abandoent fears and treated that as I planned the break up on purpose . Again feelings equal facts for the boarderline. To late by then to reconcile . Bit that does conffuse Me tho and always will is she was devaluing me before this ? So why all the abandonment issues ? I can only imagine I hurt her to deeply to ever be painted white again . She I beleive is never coming back based on the above and how scared she is of me now I don't think she will ever forgive me so sadly yes I have to except it's over .