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Author Topic: I want her back - she is ignoring me  (Read 3843 times)
whythisgirl
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« Reply #60 on: December 22, 2014, 08:34:15 AM »

BPD doesn't break for Christmas     

Doing the right thing (click to insert in post) Agree!
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Ripped Heart
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« Reply #61 on: December 22, 2014, 09:12:21 AM »

In answer to the original title, you can't make anyone do anything they don't want to do, BPD or not.

The only person you have any control over is yourself so take this time to enjoy being you and do the things you want to do. It's already been stated below, forgiveness comes from within and is only for you.

Give yourself an early Christmas present this year and allow the abuse of you to stop 
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« Reply #62 on: December 22, 2014, 04:14:41 PM »

I was NC for 12 days. Started texting her on Saturday, a few , a day , nice kind words like come back home,  etc.

My last text today I said "I am letting you go this time, take you sometimes for you to realize what you lost"

Few seconds I get this text "I have not responded to you ever since you wished me to experience a broken heart, you were beyond ugly , and that is unacceptable to me"

I said, "I was mad like you are mad now I am sorry, and I love you".

She said "I'm m not mad now, I've moved on ,as should you, and no you never truly did love me, you simply want what you can't have.  I'm taking a nap.  I've  been sick hope all is well."

Please your input on this, is important for me.

Yes, I want to give it another chance as we each have a unique situation.

Now every time I text and I get silent treatment from her.

Why is it that she always respond after I say I want to let go now ?

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jammo1989
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« Reply #63 on: December 22, 2014, 04:31:26 PM »

Here is what happened to me today what do you all think ?

I was in  NC for 12 days started texting her on Saturday , a few , a day ,nice kind words like come back home etc  .

My last text today When I said" I am letting you go this time, take you sometimes for you to realize what you lost ."

Few seconds I get this text

" I have not responded to you ever since you wished me to experience a broken heart , you were beyond ugly , and that is unacceptable to me "

"I was mad like you are mad now I am sorry  , and I love you "I replied .

She said "I'm m not mad now ,I 've moved on , as should you , and no you never truly did love me, you simply want what you can't have , I'm taking a nap ,I've  been sick hope all is well    "

Please your input on this ,is important for me ,yes I want to give it another chance as we each have a unique situation .

Now every time I text and text ST from her

Why is it that she always respond after I say I want to let go now ?

Hey Guys, in my opinion this is what shes doing,  she is playing the victim card, and by playing the victim your empathy rises to the surface, shes basically doing this to manipulate and control your good nature.  For example, I love you but YOU hurt me, she knows by playing the victim you will start to chase her with messages like i love you to, and if you have extremely weak boundaries you will be apologizing for things you haven't done wrong.  What she is doing is dangling a piece of string in front of you and testing to see if you take the bait, she wants your attention, not you, but attention.  I know it hurts but i can assure that this is true, she giving you the typical come here go away behavior, shes basically saying ill talk to you when i need you, hence why she said ive moved on.  She is basically saying i dont NEED you right now but when i do ill let you know, do not be apart of her crazy making script that she has wired deep inside her brain, shes projecting her issues on to you.  I bet she was the one that hurt you, and now shes turning it around on you by playing the victim.  You need to trust me on this one, she is merely putting on a show for you and you are both in the play, she expects you to act out and accept your role in this play, and when you dont shes gone.  Those texts mean NOTHING, she is only doing it so that she can take advantage of you when your weak (showing hr you care)   
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jammo1989
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« Reply #64 on: December 22, 2014, 04:37:06 PM »

Hey Guys, in my opinion this is what shes doing,  she is playing the victim card, and by playing the victim your empathy rises to the surface, shes basically doing this to manipulate and control your good nature.  For example, I love you but YOU hurt me, she knows by playing the victim you will start to chase her with messages like i love you to, and if you have extremely weak boundaries you will be apologizing for things you haven't done wrong.  What she is doing is dangling a piece of string in front of you and testing to see if you take the bait, she wants your attention, not you, but attention.  I know it hurts but i can assure that this is true, she giving you the typical come here go away behavior, shes basically saying ill talk to you when i need you, hence why she said ive moved on.  She is basically saying i dont NEED you right now but when i do ill let you know, do not be apart of her crazy making script that she has wired deep inside her brain, shes projecting her issues on to you.  I bet she was the one that hurt you, and now shes turning it around on you by playing the victim.  You need to trust me on this one, she is merely putting on a show for you and you are both in the play, she expects you to act out and accept your role in this play, and when you dont shes gone.  Those texts mean NOTHING, she is only doing it so that she can take advantage of you when your weak (showing hr you care)   
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Splitblack4good
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« Reply #65 on: December 22, 2014, 04:46:25 PM »

I was in  NC for 12 days started texting her on Saturday , a few , a day ,nice kind words like come back home etc  .

My last text today When I said" I am letting you go this time, take you sometimes for you to realize what you lost ."

Few seconds I get this text

" I have not responded to you ever since you wished me to experience a broken heart , you were beyond ugly , and that is unacceptable to me "

"I was mad like you are mad now I am sorry  , and I love you "I replied .

She said "I'm m not mad now ,I 've moved on , as should you , and no you never truly did love me, you simply want what you can't have , I'm taking a nap ,I've  been sick hope all is well    "

Please your input on this ,is important for me ,yes I want to give it another chance as we each have a unique situation .

Now every time I text and text ST from her

Why is it that she always respond after I say I want to let go now ?

Most likely can't except it or beleive it.its ther abandonment fear that's why she prob replied. I said the same to my ex 2 weeks after we split and got a phone call telling me to leave her alone so I did went NC then a week later she started texting me hateful stuff now just get silence blocked me on her phone then unblocked me ! Now silence again but unblocked I think that's her way of leaving the door open if she wants to come back later once it all goes wrong with my replacement.
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NonAverageJoe
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« Reply #66 on: December 22, 2014, 05:35:58 PM »

If you hadn't of been clingy she'd have left you for not giving her enough attention and having your own life.

There is no chance at a healthy relationship with an unrecovered borderline.
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Ripped Heart
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« Reply #67 on: December 22, 2014, 05:59:28 PM »

It sounds like you reaffirm her thoughts and feelings each time you do that and also, it shows from your message who truly has the control.

I'm assuming from your message, it's not the first time you have told her you are letting go and each time, she replies, you respond straight back which just takes you around in circles.

You're being clingy. It's not attractive to her. The more you move toward her the further she backs away.  It's hman nature.

Skip

Couldn't agree with this quote more from Skip having been there over the past couple of months. I've been through difficulties and "needed" to lean on my gf for support. However, all it managed to do was push her further away, the more distant she got, the more I chased and the more things started to fall apart.

Take yourself out the situation and deal with your own issue and things fall back into place. The past couple of weeks, I just sent her the occasional text to she how she was, made it all about her and her feelings and got on with my own life. Day by day, she started becoming more approachable and things gradually balanced out. It still hurts, it's still frustrating but those are my feelings and I'm the only one who can deal with them.

Likewise, when I found out she was on about ending the r/s but felt guilty doing so, my approach was slightly different to yours. I let her know I cared about her and her happiness and that as much as I wanted her in my life, I also didn't want to stand in the way of her happiness. So if she wanted to walk away, I didn't want her to feel any guilt and that the door was open for her to leave.

It made all the difference. When I send her a text, I make it about her, asking how she is feeling and asking how her day is going. Then I just leave it with the ball in her court and get on with my own life. Again, it's extremely difficult and it can be frustrating when you hear nothing but those are your feelings. When gf calls, I answer in a friendly manner, again the focus of the conversation is all about her, I'm not critical that I haven't heard from her all day (she has done that to me before and I've done that to her too but it gets nowhere and can make things worse)

It is rough because relationships should really be 2 way but if this is the path you choose, you have to accept the illness as being part of the r/s, adapt and grow around it but without compromising your own health and well being in the process. It's all about finding that balance
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jammo1989
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« Reply #68 on: December 22, 2014, 06:26:57 PM »

Jammo 1989

I agree with what you said I further ask how would you handle this situation I am in ,what would you do if you were me ?

You dont play the game, Cluster Bs weren't taught how to deal with situations, and because of this they run away because thats all they know, think of it like a lost child trying to run away from her anger, hate and resentment.  The games they play are sub conscious, they arent doing it to hurt you, unless they have Narc traits,  Think of BPD as that child thats crying for help, running away from her own emotional pain that she never could deal with.  Where as the Narc is more like, my parents treated me like an object and because of this i will take it out on the world through lies and deceit.  Your dealing with a BPD here by the sound of it, so i would strongly suggest you exercise strong boundaries, if you truly want her out of your life you must do the following:

Call her out on her s h i t, tell her i know your playing mind games with me and im not playing them anymore, I was good to you in the relationship and you know it, dont let her know that you hold any doubts.  For example, dont tell her maybe i should have done more, because she will use your weakness against you.  Im not one to advise this because i honestly think that playing with madness is dangerous, but if you wanted to claim a bit of control back, play the same game, let her text you 1st and then dont text back, or say fancy meeting up later then text her saying cant sorry im busy.  By doing this your making her lose her control so she will try harder to hook you again, but i STRONGLY advise AGAINST this approach, because BPDs can be dangerous!

So you either call her out on her s h i t, and when they know you know who they really are (behind her mask) she will run away and may return

play the game, push/ pull (dangerous)

or educate yourself about BPD to the point you feel like you have more control in your life      
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guy4caligirl
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« Reply #69 on: December 22, 2014, 06:50:20 PM »

what if I want her back for another chance ?

What should I do ?
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EaglesJuju
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« Reply #70 on: December 22, 2014, 07:27:46 PM »

what if I want her back for another chance ?

What should I do ?

Hi guy,

If you want to go that route, I would strongly suggest to do what Skip advised   You need to make that decision first though. 
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« Reply #71 on: December 22, 2014, 08:21:54 PM »

Only you can answer that question guy.

I'd like to echo EaglesJuJu

You did it one way.

When things don't work one way it's good to change how we do things.

--Mutt
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guy4caligirl
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« Reply #72 on: December 22, 2014, 08:43:42 PM »

Hi Mutt ,

I have listened to one of my best fiends ,and you all ,including Skip and others ,I texted her around  618 pm saying " I hope you feel better soon .Please get plenty of rest ,and I hope you have the greatest of dreams . I love you much and always shall. Good night

And at 857 pm she responded thanks .

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guy4caligirl
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« Reply #73 on: December 22, 2014, 09:00:14 PM »

This girl doesn't care about you at all! She responded with one word hours later!

Let me remind you my friend every case is different none are alike good luck to you !
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« Reply #74 on: December 22, 2014, 09:00:45 PM »

Guy,

My advice. Do as Skip says.

It's win-win  Doing the right thing (click to insert in post)

You'll walk away with tools (tools you use for you / her and others in life) and dig through what you really want.

Give her space for 6 weeks.
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NonAverageJoe
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« Reply #75 on: December 22, 2014, 09:10:14 PM »

I'm not insinuating that she's as dastardly ad my ex but she is projecting, deflecting and telling you loud and clear she doesn't want to be with you.

I'm a little agitated right now because I want to give my ex a piece of my mind but it doesn't matter she knows the truth and chooses to deceive herself.

You have to take back your control.
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guy4caligirl
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« Reply #76 on: December 22, 2014, 09:14:16 PM »

I'm not insinuating that she's as dastardly ad my ex but she is projecting, deflecting and telling you loud and clear she doesn't want to be with you.

I'm a little agitated right now because I want to give my ex a piece of my mind but it doesn't matter she knows the truth and chooses to deceive herself.

You have to take back your control.

I thank you for your help I post what I feel so I can get a real good advise .
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« Reply #77 on: December 23, 2014, 05:12:04 AM »

If you want to talk to her and she's giving you the silent treatment,  the best tactic is to act like not a single ___ is given.

Act like she doesn't exist and before long you'll get a text along the lines of "why do you hate meeeeee"

That's how mine rolls anyway.
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Ripped Heart
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« Reply #78 on: December 23, 2014, 06:31:20 AM »

If you want to talk to her and she's giving you the silent treatment,  the best tactic is to act like not a single ___ is given.

Act like she doesn't exist and before long you'll get a text along the lines of "why do you hate meeeeee"

That's how mine rolls anyway.

So very true. I have to admit, over recent months, the more mine pulled away and shut me out, the more I did to try and get close to her. She was angry for no reason and giving me the silent treatment, I would send flowers. It was extremely frustrating because I couldn't figure out what was going wrong and then I found this site  Doing the right thing (click to insert in post)

She told a friend she wanted to end things, I opened the door for her. She cried and said that wasn't what she meant. Tried to build bridges and she backed away. If I text to tell her I loved her or that I missed her, got no response, if I text and asked how her day was, got a response. Gradually it got easier to the point I get up and get on with my life and she is the one to initiate contact.

Sent her a text yesterday to ask how she was and how her day went - got nothing. Left it there and didn't send anything else, first thing she does this morning when she woke up was call to see if I was up and around. It's not a nice way to live, can be very frustrating and hurtful at times. You can end up going to bed with a pit in your stomach wondering if the other person actually cares but sometimes you have to play the game.

I have a crisis, she backs away. She has a crisis, I'm expected to be there for her. Those of us in these kind of r/s have to understand that above all else, the illness is the one with the control.
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guy4caligirl
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« Reply #79 on: December 23, 2014, 06:44:37 AM »

So very true , they do think about us the same way we do after all they are human .Illness makes it foggy we should always remember that they can't help but act the way they act nothing against us , after all if they are not ill , I don't think they would have ran in the first place .

My thoughts !
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guy4caligirl
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« Reply #80 on: December 23, 2014, 07:18:07 AM »

I don't think so how about you ?
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« Reply #81 on: December 23, 2014, 07:36:51 AM »

Yes, I think they move on physically but emotionally no. They wonder off with replacements but until they get treatment they remain 3 year olds doing 3 year old stuff.

Borderlines have so many issues that unless they get help they continue their patterns.
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mrshambles
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« Reply #82 on: December 23, 2014, 08:10:28 AM »

This is a loaded question. I agree physically they do. I finally found out my replacement is a guy she dated like 7 years ago for a very short period. I think that they always a piece of you. When you get painted white again they tug. That's just what I've noticed.
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guy4caligirl
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« Reply #83 on: December 23, 2014, 08:27:23 AM »

So very true , they do think about us the same way we do after all they are human .Illness makes it foggy we should always remember that they can't help but act the way they act nothing against us , after all if they are not ill , I don't think they would have ran in the first place .

My thoughts !

Spot on, it's something I battle with on a regular basis. When gf makes a nasty comment, she will apologise a couple of hours later usually in tears and explaining that she didn't know where it came from, it was just a feeling she had with no warning or control. If I call her out on something, she is really upset because she isn't like that and that it's the illness.

Where I battle is that if you know something is causing you to do something involuntary, wouldn't you want to seek help in trying to stop it from happening? My gf default is to run and hide herself away for a few days because she would rather run away than work through the issue. She's tried to break it off a couple of times, stating that she is being unfair on me because her words don't match who I am. I'm still here but it is very frustrating. I just think that it's down to the illness but if things progress into next year, I want to work towards getting her better treatment because in my eyes, she deserves happiness and doesn't deserve the pain that comes with it. She knows that and wants to make an effort but wanting to and doing are very different things.

I know we all get to several stages in the process of letting go , what is so  different from a non BPD B/U

The ex non would continue her life we get sad fine , but she's a non , we work that out finally and go on trusting that she will make it on her own okay , good , now in the case of a BPD that we loved and still love dearly we can't act the same way we did with an Ex none here is why as you all know .

How could you get on your life knowing that she will always suffer , the goodness in us caretakers should not cease cause these human being need help of course we should not let go that easy and let the saga continue , fine we have to think about us first , I totally agree ,I spent five years with one , five years , do you know how much effort and sacrifices mum and dad invested in me for five years  my mom and dad , I have a son and I know what it takes , to go back on the topic ,

I want to make a difference in her life , I need patient and practice what Skip and others advised me to do .

I would not be able to release  her of my mind , I choose to help her out when she is ready I will take her to treatment I will make it my goal , it is worth it that's my relation and I choose to be in I want to spend my off work time to save a soul , that's  so dearly close to my heart  , at the end if things get better I can feel that I really accomplished something and It will be one of the reason to live and be content that I made a difference .

In my case that's what I want to do , I will not give up , I will play the game of NC LC as long as it takes , I know now how to play it (Not my choice ) you can't make a blind horse see unless he wants to . Skip I kind of alter that saying a bit if you don't mind         
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rosannadanna
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« Reply #84 on: December 23, 2014, 08:32:09 AM »

What is your definition of moving on? It seems obvious that if someone leaves the relationship, they have moved on.
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MrConfusedWithItAll
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« Reply #85 on: December 23, 2014, 08:38:54 AM »

I think they do move on but you will always be there somewhere.  My BPD mother divorced my father over 20 years ago and married another man.  She is still married to this man but is cheating on him with an older man.  According to my father she also tries to sleep with him every now and then.  Crazy
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guy4caligirl
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« Reply #86 on: December 23, 2014, 08:39:51 AM »

If someone has told you that they have moved on and you refuse to believe them, is that considered denial?

2010

If I am dealing with a non I will say you're right , but the fact that I'm dealing with a BPD ex for five years I would say , Every case /situation is so different from others... .it's has it's "uniqueness" in a sense, that's why we shouldn't generalize it .

There are millions reasons to stay away . But the heart has the answer .

My thoughts .
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NYMike
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« Reply #87 on: December 23, 2014, 09:09:49 AM »

Yes they move on Physically.

Then it's the same old same old for the next people that Co-Sign all her BS.In time they will live what I lived.

Just like she did to her 2 friends that were nice enough to let her stay.She behaved in the same mannor.

Now she is at her sisters and I would think the BPD in her will play out and cause her sister and sisters husband to fight.

It is a sad Disorder that does not Discriminate.She will be on her best behavior until it all starts again.Then she may turn her sister and brother in law black.

The fact is that it is not my problem anymore what she does and who she does.

She wronged me on many levels emotionally,financially,mentally and I have to stay pissed at her and angry or I will get sucked back in.
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« Reply #88 on: December 23, 2014, 10:08:44 AM »

Holy ___. Why do this to yourselves? Please just stop. They have moved on and are in happy mode until this r/s ___s the bed and then on to the next. I'm over 4 months out and yeah, I would love to have her contact me, contact her, be with her, but why would I? I barely survived this 16 months. Seriously, I'm not tolerating this from anyone anymore. Doubt I will forgive her, don't need to. I will fix myself first, I'm the important one not her. She does not matter. What she does, does not matter, who she does it with, does not matter. I'm done with her. Painful? Fu*k yeah it is, but it's my life, not hers, that matters. I matter. She's on her own, or I should say, the new guy is on his own.
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« Reply #89 on: December 23, 2014, 04:57:30 PM »

I say it again and again every case is different it has it's own uniqueness and dynamic please  don't generalize it's not fair .

BPD or not they are also people  .

Okay, what would you do if someone without BPD would tell you they have moved on and that you should leave them alone? You would believe them, right? If you really want to treat your exBPDgf as other people then do so. Respect and accept that she has moved on. It doesn't matter if she really has or not. You are thinking that she hasn't because of the disorder. Even if you're right there is nothing you can do about it. So treat her as you would treat every other human being telling you they have moved on. Grant her that wish.

I know you are hurting and I was in a place where you are now but it doesn't help. You can't control others. It doesn't matter if they are being honest when telling they have moved on or playing some weird game. If you really love your exBPDgf then think of it this way: every time you try to recycle/get in touch with her again you enable her behaviour. You add more fuel to the flame. No, it's not your fault she's suffering from BPD in the first place but you should leave her alone.
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