Hello

[Dncln0002]

Hello all,

I have been in a relationship with P for almost 3 years now. We have been through countless ups and downs which included physical fights, therapy, having her checked into the psych ward for a few weeks, transmission of an STD from her to me, a terminated pregnancy, various levels of infidelity (with one incident of sexual infidelity that I know of), and of course endless splitting and frustration.

I finally decided enough was enough a couple of months ago (aided by me joining the Navy which required me to be away for three months) and decided to put the relationship on hiatus. Now here I am about to graduate and I am considering picking things back up.

I have served as her caretaker for the majority of those three years, keeping her from being homeless on multiple occasions and it was through my efforts that she finally decided to seek therapy and get on medication.

I feel prepared to assume this role of caretaker again but it is sometimes difficult for me to separate her disorder (for which she has NOT been clinically diagnosed; she was diagnosed as bipolar) from her actual personality, which can be so wonderful at times.

So that's the surface.

Thoughts or comments would be appreciated. Mostly I need an outside viewpoint to let me know I am not crazy when she decides it is time to take us down that rabbit hole of frustrating logical inconsistency.

Thanks for listening and I look forward to everyone's thoughts.

[maxen]

hi Dncln0002 and 

i'm really sorry to hear of your situation and the tumult you've been through. you've come to the right place. we have a board full of posters who have seen BPD from every angle, and who are ready to listen and to support. we also have a wealth of resources. one of which is right on this page. on the right hand side here there is a set of lessons called "Choosing a Path." please have a read through that, i may help clarify your thinking.

so, first, you are not crazy when your gf becomes logically inconsistent, though you won't be the first to think you are. people with BPD have certain common behavior traits, and people in r/ss with pwBPD have them too! there are many on this board who are aware of their caretaker tendencies, or who doubt their own understanding of situations. second,

I feel prepared to assume this role of caretaker again but it is sometimes difficult for me to separate her disorder (for which she has NOT been clinically diagnosed; she was diagnosed as bipolar) from her actual personality, which can be so wonderful at times.

Dnc, her disorder is part of her personality. you can't separate them. the things which attracted me to my wife and the things which caused our marriage to explode were different facets of the same personality. many pwBPD are diagnosed as bipolar, and she may be getting medication for that. but for BPD there is only therapy, to which a person must be committed. through therapy, she may be able to moderate her reactions and become aware of her patterns. how does she speak of her therapy? have you seen changes in her?

[Dncln0002]

Unfortunately when I left for training it disrupted her living situation so that she had to move to a different state. She has limited income and is currently not receiving medication or attending therapy. She is not allowed in her mothers home and she has to rely on coworkers for many of her basic needs like traveling to the grocery store for food or to the store to buy furniture. She is extremely at-risk and I am one of the few people in her life who understands the gravity and seriousness of her situation and is capable of helping her. Her family is extremely fragmented and most are living at near-poverty levels.

When she was attending therapy and calibrating her reaction to different medications (to see which work best) she did show signs of progress and a legitimate desire to be healthy.

If this was not the case then I would not be so willing to help her.

[Mutt]

 

Hi Dncln0002,

I would like to join maxen and welcome you. I'm sorry to hear what you have been through. It's an awful lot.

Therapy can be an hour a day, few days a week for years. I'm happy to hear signs if progress and a willingness to help herself.

How do you feel? How are you taking care of yourself in all of this?

What does it mean to take care of yourself?

 

[Dncln0002]

Thank you for the responses. I am finding that taking time out for myself makes the confusion more manageable (being a very rational person this is one of the most difficult aspects for me to deal with). I also purchased and read Stop Walking on Eggshells and I Hate You, Don't Leave Me this week. Depersonalizing her anger and seeing it more as a defense mechanism makes it easier to deal with but I find myself needing to keep almost constant mindfulness in order to not argue back or, worse, throw my own insults.

As I said I am newly in the armed forces so I want to explore my options as far as therapy goes as soon as I get the opportunity (currently in the process of moving to a new city).

I will post more once I get access to a computer, in the meantime I am very grateful to have a place to keep me grounded when my perspective gets all out of whack and to know there are others in almost the same position as me!

[maxen]

(being a very rational person this is one of the most difficult aspects for me to deal with).

that's a tough one. i'm also logical, so much so that in fact my wife cited it as one reason why she ran away.

I also purchased and read Stop Walking on Eggshells and I Hate You, Don't Leave Me this week.

excellent places to start.

I find myself needing to keep almost constant mindfulness in order to not argue back or, worse, throw my own insults.

ooh yeah - i've been there. and i'll probably never forgive myself for a few of my outbursts. so good on you for keeping yourself grounded. it's work.

[Lucky Jim]

Hey Dncin, what makes you think that "P" has BPD?  Can you tell us a little more?  We definitely "get it" when it comes to BPD.  LuckyJim