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Before you can make things better, you have to stop making them worse... Have you considered that being critical, judgmental, or invalidating toward the other parent, no matter what she or he just did will only make matters worse? Someone has to be do something. This means finding the motivation to stop making things worse, learning how to interrupt your own negative responses, body language, facial expressions, voice tone, and learning how to inhibit your urges to do things that you later realize are contributing to the tensions.
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Author Topic: First post, hello  (Read 426 times)
raisins3142
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Gender: Male
What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Ex-romantic partner
Posts: 519


« on: December 22, 2014, 10:41:58 AM »

I have an ex of 6 weeks that I believe has BPD, but has not been diagnosed (at least to my knowledge).   We were together 7 months.

She was diagnosed with PTSD after she was raped in her late teens by a boyfriend.  Early on, she confided in me about the rape and that she spent years abusing ecstasy (MDMA) and LSD to a huge degree and years as a black out drunk and later became suicidal and self harmed by cutting.  She still drinks regularly and smokes pot, but she is at least functional and able to hold a job.  She has had many relationships with men, has mostly male friends, and has had a hard time making and keeping friends (especially with other women).  Her family life was horrible growing up.  Her father was not in her life and she was left to be raised by an alcoholic grandmother from age 2 to 12.  She does not remember much of her childhood and has some sexual dysfunction, which included faking orgasms and being violent in bed and wanting that back.

The idealization phase lasted 6 weeks.  She told me she loved me within 3 weeks.  However, even during this idealization phase, she would ignore me when other men were around paying her attention and would act in a flirty way that she considered friendly simply because it did not involve touching or raunchy talk or exchanging numbers.  She also was very odd about communications and her phone and was very private about whom she was in contact (as in never once mentioned the sender of or receiver of 100s of texts she made in front of me).  Even during this phase, she was overly defensive and would become angry if I confronted her with a a problem between us but would later soften and see my side, so it seemed.

After this 6 weeks of idealization, I told her I loved her as well and she also saw me get very emotional and cry over something related to family.  The next day, it was like a curtain fell and she was very distant in all ways and was like a corpse in the room.  She blamed this on some stress in her life.

After another 6 weeks of her being withdrawn like this, I broke it off for 3 weeks.  She tried very hard to get me back and wrote very long emails that somewhat addressed all the issues I had.  She also gave me access to her cell phone online records to show that she was not texting or calling other guys (of course, this would not cover things like facebook messenger, etc).  So, I let her back in.

She tried very hard for 3 months and I was back in the idealization phase I think.

However, during that time, she let slip that she had cheated on past lovers, when she had told me she had not when asked directly.  She also slipped up and other lies of hers were revealed, nothing related to infidelity between us though.  Also, it was revealed that she had 2 lifelong viral based but non-life threatening STDs that I was unaware of and that she lied out when she said "I get tested for everything once a year and I am 100% clean".  My BS meter was often going off throughout our relationship however because her stories were constantly slightly shifting and things did not make sense.  She was especially private, guarded, and confusing in relation to her past.  She would often refer to horrible things she had done but then say it was nothing when asked directly to provide some detail.

Anyways, the culmination of these lies and realizations that I was dating a cheater came to a head and I realized I just totally distrusted her and I was teetering on ending things.  We went to a bar and she entertained the advances of a guy obviously hitting on her and I saw all this.  This was after my talks with how that made me feel and also her knowing she needed to earn my trust due to all the rest.

I lost my mind basically and screamed at her in the bar and walked out alone and ended it.  I was so mad that I was VERY cruel to her in a series of texts and emails and basically laid out all she had done and why I could no longer stand to be with her or around her.  Still, this break up has been very hard.  Reading this board has helped.  She might not be full blown BPD, but she is on the spectrum very solidly.

Ironically, my blow up at the end has her convinced that I was the problem all along because a good person could never react so venomously at the end to someone they once loved.  She doesn't realize that she slowly drove me crazy until at the end I did in fact act a little crazy.  I had to let her know what she had done to me, but I went so overboard that I think it all rolled off her back.  I'm sure she has crafted some nice narrative to tell everyone about me.

I have been no contact mostly for the entire break up, but slipped up a few times to apologize to her for the way in which I ended things and the level of animosity I showed her (calling her names, etc).

Nice to be here, I hope that was not too long of a first post.

-R
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Tauriel

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Posts: 18


« Reply #1 on: December 22, 2014, 03:39:09 PM »

The tendency to form male friend bonds is the case for my ex, as well. I don't know if this is typical BPD behavior, but I don't doubt it is. You say she expected you not to be jealous when she acted stupid and flirtatious to other men. Been there, done that... .It's so freaking frustrating. It's like they feed on one's anxiety/jealousy.
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Mutt
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What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Ex-romantic partner
Relationship status: Divorced Oct 2015
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« Reply #2 on: December 22, 2014, 06:29:57 PM »

Welcome

Hi raisins3142,

I would like to join Tauriel and welcome you. I'm sorry to hear you're on a break. It's frustrating confusing and hurtful when we're split good one day and split black the next. I share a similar experience.

Many members here share similar experiences. It helps to talk.

The past and past trauma may be difficult for some to speak of. She can make the choice to go to therapy and work on her "core" issues.

Here's a primer on BPD. It helps to learn about the disorder. You will quickly see the benefits and become proficient over time.

bpdfamily.com about BPD (for Beginners)

Another primer on communication and how to stop conflict with a person with BPD. A pwBPD need extra validation. Feelings equals facts, whereas feelings are followed by facts by you or I.

TOOLS: S.E.T. - Support, Empathy and Truth

I'm sorry to hear your struggling with her past sexual history. That being said, you're in no contact during your break. A pwBPD is sensitive to rejection, slight or perceived. What is your goal? An option is learning S.E.T to open a new line of dialog?
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raisins3142
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Gender: Male
What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Ex-romantic partner
Posts: 519


« Reply #3 on: December 23, 2014, 04:05:22 AM »

Welcome

Hi raisins3142,

I would like to join Tauriel and welcome you. I'm sorry to hear you're on a break. It's frustrating confusing and hurtful when we're split good one day and split black the next. I share a similar experience.

Many members here share similar experiences. It helps to talk.

The past and past trauma may be difficult for some to speak of. She can make the choice to go to therapy and work on her "core" issues.

Here's a primer on BPD. It helps to learn about the disorder. You will quickly see the benefits and become proficient over time.

bpdfamily.com about BPD (for Beginners)

Another primer on communication and how to stop conflict with a person with BPD. A pwBPD need extra validation. Feelings equals facts, whereas feelings are followed by facts by you or I.

TOOLS: S.E.T. - Support, Empathy and Truth

I'm sorry to hear your struggling with her past sexual history. That being said, you're in no contact during your break. A pwBPD is sensitive to rejection, slight or perceived. What is your goal? An option is learning S.E.T to open a new line of dialog?

Thanks for the useful link.

I think I posted in the wrong spot after picking an option from a "new member" drop down menu, as I've decided to leave.

My goal is to stay away from her, heal emotionally, figure out how I got into this mess, and never get into it again.

I should've added: I was vulnerable to her because I just finished a phd and due to crushing student loan debt and poor job prospects in my field, I moved in with family for a time to work a job I am overqualified for.  As a male, this was a blow to my ego, and I felt unattractive and I thinks she knew that.  When I had my own place, I do not think I would have gotten involved.  In fact, I had a policy to walk early on anyone with too many red flags.  But that is easy to say now.  She was extremely seductive and threw affection at me like I've never witnessed, which from now on will be a red flag!
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notdownyet

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Posts: 46



« Reply #4 on: December 23, 2014, 07:30:12 AM »

I think I posted in the wrong spot after picking an option from a "new member" drop down menu, as I've decided to leave.

My goal is to stay away from her, heal emotionally, figure out how I got into this mess, and never get into it again.

I should've added: I was vulnerable to her because I just finished a phd and due to crushing student loan debt and poor job prospects in my field, I moved in with family for a time to work a job I am overqualified for.  As a male, this was a blow to my ego, and I felt unattractive and I thinks she knew that.  When I had my own place, I do not think I would have gotten involved.  In fact, I had a policy to walk early on anyone with too many red flags.  But that is easy to say now.  She was extremely seductive and threw affection at me like I've never witnessed, which from now on will be a red flag!

Wise words.

I'm sure there are many on this forum, who'd liked to have chosen this philosophy, earlier on in their relationships.
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Before setting out on a path of revenge, dig 2 graves.
Mutt
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Gender: Male
What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Ex-romantic partner
Relationship status: Divorced Oct 2015
Posts: 10395



WWW
« Reply #5 on: December 23, 2014, 10:31:20 AM »

Hi raisins3142,

I can relate. Some members, like myself and not all ignore the red flags. I was in a less than desirable patch in my life ( depression ).

That said here's the board for leaving. I'm sorry you picked the wrong drop down.

Leaving: Disengaging from a Partner with BPD

Welcome
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