my ex married one month after b/u

[mahaz]

We were together only for one month, but i got attached and am still hurting 3 months after. I think she is BPD, but not sure. She met this new guy at the party we were together, they were touching, i was heartbroken, she apologized and told me she loves me, but after 3 days she dumped me. After a week she was engaged to this new guy and married after less then a month. She says she is in a hurry to make family and get a child. Im 29 and she is 27. How could she do it? Any comment is appreciated, pls help me rationalize this situation

[jammo1989]

Welcome to the forum Mahaz, before I start I would just like to say, you are one lucky man! your relationship finished before the mask could come off, and your healing process after a month will be a lot easier than others on this forum. 

Could you tell me a bit about her behavior within that month? because she may even be NPD or HPD, did she rage, act out, cut herself, have a history of drug or alcohol abuse? would like some more information on her overall behavior before i can help you. 

[mahaz]

Well in that month we were together almost every day. After the first few days together she told me that i have to be 100% for her, but i wasnt that sure, so next day i told her that and she just left me in the moment, no discusion. Next day i was sorry and beg her to come back and she did. After one week we went to seaside for holidays and the story repeated. She asked me if im 100%, i said no and she got mad, telling me that we will leave next morning via home, that she has another guy she wants to be with... but in the morning she apologised and we were like back together. That kind of thing happend once again around one week before BU. She also told me couple of times she loves me and i did too, so i thought we are a pair, but when she was touching with that guy at the party, she said that she thought we are just friends

I really felt for her, so she got me hurt bad.

[mahaz]

She also left home at 14, doesnt have a relationship with her mother, is scratching her wrists after stress, acts impulsivly a lot and told me she is a nerve wreck. But she married nevertheless, with all this balast?

[TheDude]

Well, a month isn't really a lot to go on, and nobody would be qualified to be handing out diagnoses. I do think there's an unofficial term for this, though. It's called Crazy Chick Syndrome. The solution is to run as fast and as far as you can from her. Let's take a lesson from this:

After the first few days together she told me that i have to be 100% for her... .

This is absolutely absurd. Ask yourself why you would entertain such a notion.

[jammo1989]

She does sound BPD with the added childhood trauma

BPDs tend to search for a rescuer, she cant be alone, she NEEDS to be in a relationship to feel complete, and she will do what ever it takes to protect her own emotional pain.  For example, when a BPD is abandoned they almost feel as if they are that lost child again based on childhood traumas, and their way of coping with these negative experiences is to attach themselves on to someone who will validate her and make her feel visible to the world again.  The reason why she was so forward and wanted to push things to quickly was solely a way to manipulate and control you.  She probably did this because, as soon as shes got that ring on her finger she finally has a label, because having the label of single is like death to these types of people.  She knew that, if she could hook you early by talking about the future and engagement she would have you under her spell (not abandoning her)  The problem lyes within their personality disorder and not you.  For example, as soon as a BPD gets to close for comfort they fear abandonment, they do this because of severe trust issues from childhood, so when they begin to trust you, they act out, rage push you away because they are constantly running away from their childhood.  They expect you to be there for them when they need you and nothing more, that is solely why you cant attain a healthy adult relationship with Cluster Bs, and the people who say you can either suffer from another Cluster B disorder or have extremely weak boundaries.  The best way to describe this to you would be to imagine when you were a baby, you were nurtured, put to sleep at night and maybe breast fed, the 1st people you loved and trusted were your parents, so empathy comes naturally.  Now imagine a child that felt invisible in their life because their parents either ignored or abused them.  We know we can ALWAYS rely and trust our parents, so trust was also learnt.  These type of people, had to survive they had to teach themselves to defend because maybe their parents didn't do so.  They are merely children trapped in an adults body, they act out at the ones closest to them because they were never taught how to handle situations in a mature way.  You must learn that this was NEVER your fault, and that, she will never change, that is who she is as a person a survivor that is almost certain the whole world is against her, you are playing the role of her parent not her boy friend, because she expects you to look after her because she wasn't  taught  to, yes emotionally they can defend themselves and for us NONs is almost devastating the way we get treated, but, If you put everything into perspective their basically saying: I hate you because you were never there for me... .I miss you please dont leave me! this is a mere reenactment of the childhood trauma that she tries extremely hard to suppress emotionally, and when you become the trigger to this emotion, you need to RUN! because the more you smother her by letting her know you love her and will always be there for her your giving her a reason and the ammunition you give her to act out such behavior.   

[mahaz]

Well, a month isn't really a lot to go on, and nobody would be qualified to be handing out diagnoses. I do think there's an unofficial term for this, though. It's called Crazy Chick Syndrome. The solution is to run as fast and as far as you can from her. Let's take a lesson from this:

After the first few days together she told me that i have to be 100% for her... .

This is absolutely absurd. Ask yourself why you would entertain such a notion.

Yes, i did question this, thats way i said no. But at the same time i didnt want to lose her, so i had this dilemma, what to do... so lets wait and see whats going to happen.

Well now shes married to that guy, telling that she is totally in love, but i guess thats just a facade

[mahaz]

She does sound BPD with the added childhood trauma

BPDs tend to search for a rescuer, she cant be alone, she NEEDS to be in a relationship to feel complete, and she will do what ever it takes to protect her own emotional pain.  For example, when a BPD is abandoned they almost feel as if they are that lost child again based on childhood traumas, and their way of coping with these negative experiences is to attach themselves on to someone who will validate her and make her feel visible to the world again.  The reason why she was so forward and wanted to push things to quickly was solely a way to manipulate and control you.  She probably did this because, as soon as shes got that ring on her finger she finally has a label, because having the label of single is like death to these types of people.  She knew that, if she could hook you early by talking about the future and engagement she would have you under her spell (not abandoning her)  The problem lyes within their personality disorder and not you.  For example, as soon as a BPD gets to close for comfort they fear abandonment, they do this because of severe trust issues from childhood, so when they begin to trust you, they act out, rage push you away because they are constantly running away from their childhood.  They expect you to be there for them when they need you and nothing more, that is solely why you cant attain a healthy adult relationship with Cluster Bs, and the people who say you can either suffer from another Cluster B disorder or have extremely weak boundaries.  The best way to describe this to you would be to imagine when you were a baby, you were nurtured, put to sleep at night and maybe breast fed, the 1st people you loved and trusted were your parents, so empathy comes naturally.  Now imagine a child that felt invisible in their life because their parents either ignored or abused them.  We know we can ALWAYS rely and trust our parents, so trust was also learnt.  These type of people, had to survive they had to teach themselves to defend because maybe their parents didn't do so.  They are merely children trapped in an adults body, they act out at the ones closest to them because they were never taught how to handle situations in a mature way.  You must learn that this was NEVER your fault, and that, she will never change, that is who she is as a person a survivor that is almost certain the whole world is against her, you are playing the role of her parent not her boy friend, because she expects you to look after her because she wasn't  taught  to, yes emotionally they can defend themselves and for us NONs is almost devastating the way we get treated, but, If you put everything into perspective their basically saying: I hate you because you were never there for me... .I miss you please dont leave me! this is a mere reenactment of the childhood trauma that she tries extremely hard to suppress emotionally, and when you become the trigger to this emotion, you need to RUN! because the more you smother her by letting her know you love her and will always be there for her your giving her a reason and the ammunition you give her to act out such behavior.   

I also guess thats true. Im sorry for her, i would like to help her but i dont know how... At the same time im not completly over her, so its hard for me to find a right solution to the problem

[mahaz]

I would be very grateful of any suggestion... Should i tell her that she is probably BPD? Should i suggest her the therapy? Or should i go mind my own bussines? Please help, i really dont know what to do right now...

[Infern0]

I would be very grateful of any suggestion... Should i tell her that she is probably BPD? Should i suggest her the therapy? Or should i go mind my own bussines? Please help, i really dont know what to do right now...

Don't get involved.  She's married,  it's a disaster waiting to happen and the poor guy she's married doesn't realise what's going to be coming his way.

Regardless there is no reason for you to get involved she's not your responsibility

[EaglesJuju]

I would be very grateful of any suggestion... Should i tell her that she is probably BPD? Should i suggest her the therapy? Or should i go mind my own bussines? Please help, i really dont know what to do right now...

Hi Mahaz,

What would you hope to gain by telling her these things?  

In my opinion, I would stay out of it.  There is no point in involving yourself in her marriage.  You will end up being portrayed as the "bad guy."  She is no longer your problem.  Let her husband cope with her behavior.