Love vs Addiction

[AwakenedOne]

There have been recent threads here regarding whether our BPD partner actually loved us or not. I thought I might turn this question around a bit.

Were you in love with your BPD partner or were you just addicted to all the amped up intensity and drama that came with it?

Some members describe what sounds like addiction to me. Words that describe the relationship as "adrenaline filled" and "a drama intense rush" etc... .The most puzzling one to me is the drama intense description as being something that a Non is missing now.

I loved my BPD ex. When I met her I thought she isn't really my type at first. But her personality won me over. I loved her soul or her heart or whoever she is I guess is a way to describe what I felt or believed.

The rush, adrenaline and drama was what made things miserable or at least non relaxing and almost unbearable in our relationship. I don't remember good drama or for that matter much good adrenaline.

[Blimblam]

I personally believe love, attachment and addiction have a lot of crossover. 

Does a mother love their child or are they just attached?

Is the mother just attached and addicted to the push pull behavior of the child?

What I realized for myself is that it was a combination of all of those factors and certain scenerios added more or less elements of addiction etc as things progressed moment to moment. 

I think it's important to educate oneself and come to your own conclusions. 

[Inside]

I was in love, sad to say.  But it all came so fast I was constantly off balance.  I now consider that part of her/ their strategy… 

When I met her I thought she isn't really my type at first. But her personality won me over. I loved her soul or her heart or whoever she is I guess is a way to describe what I felt or believed.

Same here…  They throw it all at you ... they just keep tossing it until they run out - then it’s over!  PwBPD derive their self-worth from our adoration, and will initially do anything it takes to capture it, because that’s as close as they ever get to experiencing love…

I’ve sometimes wondered if I hadn’t fallen in love with myself though … the way we’re mirrored in the beginning.  But like your statement above, I really did fall in love with ‘all of her.’  That’s what hurt so bad, though I’d accepted the crazy, the crazy wouldn’t allow itself to be accepted.  She can’t sustain a r/s, only initiate them.

[downwhim]

I too fell head over heels in love. Not at first. He was not my type. He watched me, asked me questions, got to know ALL OF ME, got to know who I am, what I like, what I need. No one had ever done that before. I craved him. Yes, I know it sounds sick but I could not get enough of him.

I was so deprived in my marriage of 22 years that I got addicted to the sex, the smell, the man that he was but really wasn't. I had no idea I was with a borderline for 9 months when I got the first rage... .

Scary, sick, addicting, exciting, stimulating, crazy, I do not think ever in my lifetime I will feel the same way about anyone. Was it really love? I have no clue. Was it intense, yes. Did I feel a constant pull and need, yes.

What they do to us is undress us and we are there in total and then the dance begins. Push/pull, rage, love/hate, splitting, the addiction begins. We get rapped up into thinking this is the way it is suppose to be. We become familiar with the dance and we are afraid to let it die.

Then poof, they are gone, done, it is unbelievable.

When we exposed so much of ourselves and gave all we had, what do we do now?

[Inside]

Downwhim ... .Wow, perfect description!  Married a long time prior to my BPD experience, I knowingly dodged come-ons from women ‘like that.’  Divorced, I finally fell for one  

Do you feel it opened something up in you, something that might enrich your next r/s?  Or is this empty feeling going to haunt us forever? 

Interesting how they’re ‘not our types,’ yet morph into something we can’t live without…  Is that like coughing on a first cigarette, prior to addiction   And what can we do now - will anything or anyone be able to replace that?  Should we look for more? 

... .thinking logically, which is what finally led me out her door, and after a year away, it must be viewed from afar…  They hunt, constantly sending sexual signals.  When they connect - it’s instant everything, but it can’t last.  Physical Heroin... .  So now we’re gonna expect it all-at-once?  Will we ever again be able to take it at a normal, healthy pace... ?  Or will we crave that addiction forever?

Healthy has to be cautions, to pace itself … so it can last a lifetime.  Seems we lived a lifetime at the speed of light.  What a ride, what an unsustainable ride

[BorisAcusio]

My idea of reference changed since the interaction. I was infatuated but did not love her. We bonded in a disordered, superficial way, based on both parties needs being met.

[MrConfusedWithItAll]

I was addicted to nicotine.  When I broke the addiction my body and mind was unbalanced for a while but my heart wasn't broken.  Felt like love to me.

[CloseToFreedom]

I guess it's a mix of both. When we first start hanging out I wasn't in love at all and some of her behaviour would actually irritate me. I also wasn't attracted to her. But as time went on and her obsession with me became more pronounced, my love for THAT grew and grew. Eventually, after so much drama and making up again, I did fell in love, but you are right, part of that love was being addicted to the drama and to make it up again. You want to do right and sometimes you do, sometimes you don't. That triggers this craving for getting rewarded for 'good' behaviour.

It's complicated for sure.

[downwhim]

As I said, I think it was love and I need to admit I was addicted to his drama. What I don't miss is the constant inconsistency and the pit in my stomach. When is a rage going to squeeze in? When is he going to wreck the fabulous day we just had? When is he going to pull away because we got too close and that makes him uncomfortable? This is not normal and I too wonder how will I adjust to normal and take it slow so a relationship can grow next time. Can I love this intensely again or was this type of love fantasy?

My ex needs help but not for me to fix. I need to figure out how to move on and that is the real hard part.  

[AwakenedOne]

I really did fall in love with ‘all of her.’  That’s what hurt so bad, though I’d accepted the crazy, the crazy wouldn’t allow itself to be accepted. 

I had patience with "the crazy" but I had expectations of it also to stop. But of course that just ain't gonna happen.

[ucmeicu2]

I was addicted to nicotine.  When I broke the addiction my body and mind was unbalanced for a while but my heart wasn't broken.  Felt like love to me.

i hear ya on that, mrconfused.  i had a 2 pack a day habit for 2 decades and quit.  i had a drinking problem and quit that, as well.  let me tell you:  that's not even in the same ballpark as the "addiction" to the borderline.  love/infatuation/addiction/obsession/intermittent reinforcement/the narcissistic emotional abuse, etc, all those things ramped it up like the difference between the wimp at the beach that gets sand kicked in his face vs arnold schwarzenegger on steroids.  lots and lots of steroids.   throw in some more steroids.

   

[Faith1520]

I think it was genuine love for me. His good side and the love that I felt from him when I saw that person was what kept me coming back for more. There was nothing enjoyable about the drama and tumult. It gave me nothing but worry, fear, and anxiety.