Are you supported by your pwBPD?

[Crumbling]

A recent post by someone has got me wondering, do you feel like your SO with BPD supports you emotionally?  When you, as a non, express yourself to your pwBPD, do you receive emotional support back?  Can you voice your wants and needs, and have them be fulfilled by your BPD partner?

Mine get overshadowed by my BPDh's wants and needs constantly.  I believe, and am trying to accept, that he does not have the capacity to hear what I need and to be there for me.  But am I being too compliant?  Do others get validation from their spouses?  How do you make it happen?

Is there something that I am doing wrong, that I could maybe change that would help? 

c.   

[PLEASE - NO RUN MESSAGES]

PLEASE - NO RUN MESSAGES This is a high level discussion board for solving ongoing, day-to-day relationship conflicts. Members may appear frustrated but they are here for constructive solutions to problems. This is not a place for relationship "stay" or "leave" discussions. Please read the specific guidelines for this group.

[Marvis]

I'm sure others will chime in but I wanted to share my experience. My uBPDbf of nearly 10 years in utterly incapable of caring about any emotional support(he has admitted this on more than one occasion) except when it comes to himself, then he gets in to moods (like for the past 3 days) of telling me that I don't support him emotionally when, in reality, I've never not been here for him emotionally. He knows he has the issue and voices this often yet still only casually mentions going back to therapy. He has a very narcissistic mother who is way too clingy and overbearing on him, and his father, well, I think he threw up his hands and said f-it a long time ago. He is very chill in how he reacts to most things but I've also seen rages from him in the same manner, over similar things, as I do in my boyfriend. Talk about learned behavior. Basically my emotional needs are a burden for him, this has also been voiced on more than one occasion. I only get validation from him when he is in an ok mood and feels like it for the most part.i don't think you're doing anything wrong to be honest. Being that we are dealing with children trapped in an adult costume it's something we either accept or don't. We love our SO's so much, I feel the love on here everytime I read a post but we are all terribly frustrated. Some feel betrayed, others burdened and rejected but the love is there, if only we could get that through their heads.

[blueeyes567]

Validation occurs for me when we are in good places. When I first met my wife she was undiagnosed and i was uneducated.  She was awesome at being there for me very concerned and showed great emotions for me. After 7 years and her infidelity, she became diagnosed. That was in October and I have the mentality now that to keep both of us happy I need to do the things I did when we were dating to win her over every day. I enjoy these things as does she and nkw today I am starting to get validation amd the woman I fell in love with back

[JohnLove]

Validation occurs for me when we are in good places. When I first met my wife she was undiagnosed and i was uneducated.  She was awesome at being there for me very concerned and showed great emotions for me. After 7 years and her infidelity, she became diagnosed. That was in October and I have the mentality now that to keep both of us happy I need to do the things I did when we were dating to win her over every day. I enjoy these things as does she and nkw today I am starting to get validation amd the woman I fell in love with back

How very interesting. May I ask how long things have been going good like this?. Have you experienced small setbacks?...

[vortex of confusion]

No, I do not get any kind of emotional validation. I can pour my hear out to him and I might as well be talking about the weather. So much of everything is about him. I recently told him that I didn't really feel safe talking to him because he has a tendency to interrupt me and make it about him. The other morning, I was trying to share with him that I am a bit scared because I feel so empty at times. I have no idea how he managed to turn that around but he did. The next thing I know I am listening to him go on and on about his 12 step program and how I need to be more patient. It was gut wrenching to listen to him go on and on.

I had wanted to go Christmas shopping with him because that has been a tradition between us since we got married. It became more of a tradition when we started having kids. Coming together to find stuff for the kids has been something that we have always been able to do. Not this year. No babysitter was an excuse so I suggested online shopping together. He kept putting me off so I did almost all of the Christmas shopping by myself online. It hurt. A lot. And when I try to tell him that I am hurt or upset, the response I usually get is, "I know, I f**ked up. That's all I do." It makes it impossible for me to communicate with him or get any kind of support because I know that he is going to take it personal, twist it, or outright ignore me.

[blueeyes567]

Her being aware of my emotions was always there until her October dysregulation. We have been together 7 years. Her "uncaring" of my emotions happened october 24 which was the day before her infidelity.  The caring started again about 3 weeks ago and has reached the point where we were when we first met and seems genuine to me. There are small setbacks back I consider them "normal". We have an autistic child that is very frustrating to deal with at times and she does takeher frustration out on me but within minutes of noticing she is starting to get upset at me she apologizes. Since october 26, her diagnosis day, we go once a week to a mutual therapist and she has her own once a week as well as dbt. She is taking an antidepressant that she started october 29 which has helped wonders for her attitude. I consider myself an emotional stable person for the most part and pretty easy going but the infidelity has beem very hard but her and I can actually talk abouy it now and she validates me and feels bad about what happened. Guilt is a powerful feeling and my therapist explained that she needs to feel guilt. I consider her healing from trauma rather than mentally ill which somewhat helps and I've told her that and I think that helps her as well

[123Phoebe]

Hi Crumbling,

Yes, I am emotionally supported and validated by my partner.

I believe, and am trying to accept, that he does not have the capacity to hear what I need and to be there for me.  But am I being too compliant?  Is there something that I am doing wrong, that I could maybe change that would help?  

I have no idea if you're being too compliant, I do know that I was making things too complicated.  When something a little out there would happen, I'd blame him for making me feel crappy, accuse him of not caring.  That's how I felt, crappy and he didn't care.  I'd try discussing it with him, I would JADE, turning it into a circular argument, trying to get him to understand where I was coming from, which left me feeling even more crappy and he felt attacked.  Blah!

I care about myself, I have to!  If I don't care about myself, how can I expect him to care about me more than I do?  What is the value I'm holding about this particular situation?  Where is my boundary?  What am I really feeling here?

Here's an example, this one was a deal-breaker:

His college friends were visiting from out of town, they've been getting together annually for years before we got together.  I wasn't invited.  We got into an argument about it.  His stance was that I didn't know them anyway, so it would be awkward blah blah.  My stance was how will it ever become un-awkward if I'm not allowed to meet them?  I value friendship.  I value getting to know each others friends.  Then the loop through my head started running that he's embarrassed of me, maybe he has the hots for one of the girls etc etc, but I didn't say anything about that.  Instead, I stewed.

I didn't have enough guts to break it off right then and there, I was attached to my fear of not being good enough.  I made excellent plans with other friends for that night, but had it set in my mind that if the next years annual visit resulted in me not being included, I was through.  It took me a while to warm up to him after that situation and told him why... . That I felt he was embarrassed by me and I don't want to be in a relationship where those kind of icky feelings come bubbling forth.  He assured me that was not the case and stuck to his stance that he thought I'd be bored and it would be awkward, while they reminisce... . I didn't care.  I'd like to meet his friends, it's up to me to decide what feels boring and awkward (to me!), and it feels more awkward NOT being included.  I'm sure!

I've been included every year since then.  And you know what?  It can be boring  I can handle boring conversation, but I cannot handle being excluded.  He isn't embarrassed by me, that was my own stuff, but getting it out in the open gave him the choice to do what he wanted with that information.  He took my feelings into consideration.  They might not make sense to him, but he accepts that they're mine.

He's supportive in so many other ways, too.  But it took me not being afraid to express myself with him!

[waverider]

Yes but it can easily be overridden by fear of being blamed for my problems, or if it conflicts with her needs and impulses. Then it starts to be more show than go.

Before she can be supportive she has to be convinced that she is somehow not being blamed for it.

[Crumbling]

Thanks to all for sharing where you are at.  It's encouraging to hear there can be success.  But it is also difficult to hear that so many of us suffer.

Here are some life events I've gone through in the past... .and his reactions: 

1.  I had a major medical issue diagnosed (after five years of suffering and being told by docs and BPDh it was all in my head) that they fixed with an operation.  My recovery time is estimated to be five to seven years because of the physio-muscular effects of having the tumor where it was for so long, compressing my spine.  Had they waited another two more months to do the operation, I would have been dead.  I don't know if BPDh even to this day accepts the seriousness of that issue.  He went to the doc with me one time, after the operation and said, "I don't care what the problem is, just make her be nicer to me, will ya."  Before the op, he made me get tests done without being medicated, because he refused to take me, because it 'was all in my head'.  It was hell for me going through all this, and he was more of a thorn in my side than anything else through it all.  He wanted, in fact insisted, that I praised him for taking care of me the 24 hours after the operation.  He did wait on me hand and foot.  For one day.  Then demanded praise for it for months after.   

2.  I was bullied out of two jobs because there were other people in the organizations I worked for that were threatened by me, and did everything they could to get rid of me.  I wasn't strong enough in either case to come out the winner, and I'm dealing with these losses on my own.  My career is important, and I'm at such a crossroad in this part of my life right now.  He's always done the same labour positions over and over, complaining about the pain it causes, and yet refusing to do anything else.  I think sometimes, he really doesn't want me to succeed, it would just prove him a bigger failure.  So he keeps pushing me to just get an income, any income. 

3.  My grandparents are both gone, on my mom's side.  The family was always close when they were alive, and it had been a few years since we had had one of our traditional family gatherings with everyone together, so we set one up.  My BPDh had never met most of this clan and I was so excited that he would finally meet them.  Our camper was rented and ready for us for whenever we got there, food, drink paid, everything, including our travel expenses, were all covered.  He opted to say home 6 hours before I left, and caught my car on fire in the yard while I was away.  He was doing mechanical work on it, and he said it was an accident.  I got to see aunts and uncles I may never get to see healthy again, and he may never get to meet them.  But I cant get upset with him for all this... .it would 'invalidate' his fears and his 'trauma' from the fire.   

4.  My other grandmother died.  We buried her on Thanksgiving day this year.  My BPDh opted to say home alone that day and didn't come to the funeral with me.  My cousins teased me that he is my ghost husband, because they've never met him either.  He didn't destroy anything this time, but I certainly came home less sympathetic to him and any of his causes.

This isn't even everything that happened, but simply a few of the most hurtful.  All this has left a huge deficit in our trust bank, and I just need to know if there's a way out of this empty place.    I should mention in his defence that he is an only child, with both parents and only uncle deceased, and one cousin that he has no contact with.  I get where he would have issues around my family events. 

But part of why we married was so that we could shoulder these things with someone at our side, and not alone?  If I don't have this, and I don't have sex, and I'm supporting myself, what do I get out of all this?  oh... .all this sounds so cold... .

tx for reading this to the end and letting me vent. c.

[sweetheart]

Crumbling I just read your last post and want to send you some of these   

Take super good care of yourself ( which I realise is not really what you want to have to do but... .   )

[Cole]

Crumbling,

Go ahead and vent. We are here to listen and support! I fully understand your feelings of loneliness. It is like BPD is a big glass block wall standing between you and your partner; you can see a blurry vision of them through it, but you cannot touch them and feel isolated.

Sorry to hear about your grandmother. I lost mine earlier this year, too. My BPDw went to the funeral and was cold and insulting to my family, so maybe it is sometimes better to just go alone.  

In response to your original question: I get absolute over-the-top support which quickly gets turned around and made all about her. (I am so sorry about that, what can I do to help? Let me tell you what so-and-so did to me 25 years ago, it was worse that what you have to deal with... .)  

I really think a pwBPD's motivation in supporting anyone emotionally is to get 10x in return. From what I have read, this comes right out of the BPD playbook.

[Mie]

I don't feel much emotionally supported. On the other hand, I'm used to being 'emotionally independent' and probably can handle it better than many. (My mother was always over emphatic or worried and my grandma belittling so I preferred to keep my emotions to myself).

There are moments when he 'understands how I feel', but only if he can relate to it through his own experience.

Also, if my emotion has a clear or specific reason, he might act supportive, (but I have never seen genuinely empathetic expression on his face).

[blueeyes567]

At the beginning of the dysregulation before she was diagnosed I thought maybe just fell out of love with me but things happened all fast amd crazy. She also showed no love or empathy for our daughter so at that moment I thought it was her and not me. She agrees to see a psychologist and that's when she was diagnosed.

[Crumbling]

Thank you for your kind words and support.  It's such a big help, something I'm learning to depend on.

It took a lot of soul searching, and anger venting without my BPDh around, and prayer, but I think I found an answer to my own question.  What do I get out of this r/s?

I get a spiritual love. 

I get the comfort of knowing if I die in my sleep, someone will be there to bury me proper. 

My kids get someone to think of as a step dad who tries so hard to be a good father, just to continually give them bad advice and leave conversations feeling inadequate and sorry for himself.  Nothing they do, just his perception of things.  They are always respectful and kind and honest, which is the part that messes him up.  I know they see the love in all that, in spite of his failings.  And that's a good thing.

The love he shows me, is not traditional, or even healthy for me at times, but it is heartfelt, I just know it.  At least, I need to believe this, and frankly his constant fumbling and getting up the next day and continuing is really testament of his strength and, if nothing else, is definitely consistent.  I can rely I consistency.

We had a strange conversation at the dinner table the other night.  We were discussing what animal we would be, if we were an animal.  He said he'd be a dog right away.  I knew he was going to say it, we've had these conversations before.  He then went on to list all the reasons why.  When he finished, I said 'and loyal'.  He hadn't thought of himself that way, but I do.  This never crossed his mind... .  he was surprised I had said it.    But he is absolutely, constantly loyal to family, friends, employers, everyone.  And of course there's the old adage about a dog forever returning to its own feces... .how symbolically BPD is that!  But the point is, what he saw as 'stuck, spinning his tires, and going no where', I saw as loyal.  Perception, so important!

He also told me a story about being a child at a church camp where another camper would go around and pull on other guys 'thing' really hard, hard enough to make it really hurt.  He brushed it off as just something kids do.  This guy did it to my h, the councillor heard what was said, punished my BPDh for calling the guy a bad name, and the other guy got punished a little longer because he used Jesus' name in vane.  But nothing was said about the brat's behaviour!  My h brushed all of it off, told the story like it was all a big joke, him just reminiscing about old times, and the subject got changed really quick.

The next day, I hugged him before he left for work and told him that what the camper had done was wrong and the councillor was wrong for not addressing it.  It's just the way things were back then, he said.  I know, I said, but that doesn't mean they were right, and it doesn't mean you deserved it, either.  He kept denying me.  Finally I said, think about what a parent would do today if a child came home and told this story.  It's sexual abuse.  We don't accept it as okay behaviour, because it ISN'T.  I just held him close, then he went to work.

All of this has just made me realize that it is a heavy burden I carry, but all my loneliness, frustration and fatigue has nothing on the demons he carries inside of him everyday.  And in some strange way, he inspires me.  He challenges my intellect and has a warmth in his hugs that reaches my heart.  Hence, spiritual love.

I need to make resolutions for 2015 that help me shape myself into a healthy, productive, confidant individual.  To do that, I need to stop sitting on the fence with all this and start concentrating heavily on me.  I cannot fix him.  I have to remember this.  New mantra, I guess.  And I refuse to have a third failed marriage.  Period.  I will do what I need to to keep things good.

I think saying (or typing) the words, and seeing I'm not alone in this has validated my feelings enough to find answers.  I hope the same happens for you, and you can find your own reasons for continuing your r/s with or without your pwBPD's support.  It's the reality of who we are, and this is, afterall, the "Staying" board!    

Blessings to all,   

c.