I can't stand being depressed anymore

[Left broken and confused]

I have been out shopping and dinner with my friends tonight and I can't shake the depression. I feel terrible for even saying this but I hope he hurts every day of his life the same way I am tonight! He seems happy in his pictures but looks terrible his eyes are blank and he aged 10 years in the last 6 months.  I really hope he falls apart and hits bottom.  I know it's awful but that's how I am feeling. Why do they get to go on and be happy with our replacement and we are here lonely and in pain. I am so mad

[Hope0807]

I am with you!  Fighting depression hard.  I tell myself this:  Their world is a manufactured magic act.  I remember standing in my house, trembling at the horror that was unfolding in my life and then grabbing an ipad and seeing his happy posts as if his world is perfect.  It was a complete illusion and I was merely a prop.  Our pain is horrid, but it is temporary.  We have the ability to heal and be whole if we choose and give ourselves time.  They are not happy, not whole.  I too feel in limbo waiting for his world to crumble.  Sometimes I feel like my life is on hold until it does.  But I can't stay in that place.  He's a magician.  I was part of his act for 7 years and the best thing I can do is take good care of myself now and hopefully care less and less how good his ACT appears to others.  I remember wanting OUT while I was IN.  I remember sensing the horror, negativity, intense disorder that had no name.  Now I know.  More importantly, I KNOW I AM WHOLE. 

You are not alone.  Hang in there and keep posting.

[Infern0]

Best to not even look at all the fake rubbish they put on their instagram and fakebooks. You never know what is real and what's fake on there.  I remember mine bouncing up off the floor after a mad crying tantrum,  wiping the tears away,  putting her hair back in place and then posing for a smiling selfie which she posted up.

Seriously.  Don't look at that stuff it's all fake,  staged BS

[Left broken and confused]

Hi Hope

I agree 100% with everything you said. My life is in limbo and you described it perfect when you said you weren't happy and always know something was wrong but didn't have a name for it. We went through the exact same thing and he wanted to get better but never know really what it was. He told me he was diagnosed with BPD many years ago but was given meds for it and was cured. I didn't know what it was and I believed him and never thought twice about it. I can kick myself now

[Left broken and confused]

He seems to not post anything but my replacement lives her life on FB. She is a much older women who seems like she is very smart and financially comfortable but anyone who has to post every detail of her life can't be playing with a full deck either

[Hope0807]

Exactly!  So you DO see.  Pain in meant to heal.  WE are capable of going "through" this storm and coming out the other side…stronger and smarter if we allow it to be so.  THEY go "around" the storm as if it doesn't exist because they are void of the essential components that make us NONs, whole.  They cannot learn from mistakes.  Think about all the empty apologies and how often you truly waited for behaviors to match up with words.  Did they ever manifest?  In my case they didn't.  Mine looks so happy and capable to others it's disgusting.  But I have to remind myself, it's that same illusion that kept me clinging on to hope that he wasn't really the hot mess I was actually experiencing behind closed doors. 

I too went out to dinner with friends tonight.  I too struggle with depression and am clawing myself out of this twilight zone.  Keep going out…let yourself come home and fall apart.  Stay the course.  One day at a time, 5 minutes at a time.

He seems to not post anything but my replacement lives her life on FB. She is a much older women who seems like she is very smart and financially comfortable but anyone who has to post every detail of her life can't be playing with a full deck either

[hurting300]

Did he break up with you? I read your first post when you said he got into a new relationship and never told you he did. My question is, did he tell you "it's over" or simply vanished?

[Left broken and confused]

No after 4 years he pretty much vanished after a fight we had. It was normally for us not to talk for up to a month so as odd as it sounds it didn't seem unusual to me. Same time I was going throw a custody battle with my ex and found out I was pregnant so with all that on my plate I couldn't worry about him. When I made the decision to keep the baby he was already with my replacement so I didn't tell him about it until after I miscarried. Since then we have had LC but he has never mentioned the replacement to me. He also has asked me to meet him 2 times within the last month both time he then canceled

[Hope0807]

Ewww, he canceled, of course.  Don't do that again.  Thank goodness you have a child to focus your energies on and distract yourself from some of this pain.

 

No after 4 years he pretty much vanished after a fight we had. It was normally for us not to talk for up to a month so as odd as it sounds it didn't seem unusual to me. Same time I was going throw a custody battle with my ex and found out I was pregnant so with all that on my plate I couldn't worry about him. When I made the decision to keep the baby he was already with my replacement so I didn't tell him about it until after I miscarried. Since then we have had LC but he has never mentioned the replacement to me. He also has asked me to meet him 2 times within the last month both time he then canceled

[Left broken and confused]

He canceled about 5 minutes before I was at his house but i have to say he was really sick and it was really late but if he really wanted to he could have rescheduled and he didn't

[hurting300]

This might sound bad, but he is giving you closure... .Just let him go. The child is his right?

[Left broken and confused]

No I have 2 children from my ex husband.  This was my first relationship after my divorce . I dated 1 other man but several months into found out he was married and never spoke to him after that so to me I can't count that as a relationship.  I was pregnant with my exBPDbf's baby but miscarried at about 10 weeks. We were together 4 years and planned to marry but he couldn't get his crap together so I refused to marry him until we worked out our problems. Very hard situation for me to deal with. I did end up with my other 2 kids full time instead of shared custody because their father wasn't treating them correctly but it's been 6 months of on storm after the next :'(

[Hope0807]

You are so blessed with the presence of your two children.  I struggle greatly with depression and the intense "alone" status.  After the fallout (before I knew about "BPD" I was devastated that I was walking away without a child, having given my ex and that relationship the best baby-making years of my life.  Many told me to be grateful for not having a child with him, and after discovered the depth of his cruelty, personality disorder, and criminal behavior, I am endlessly grateful that I will not be tied to him for eternity with a child.

With all that said, I am healing in a very "alone" place in life.  Hug your babies and let the light that naturally beams from within all children to guide you and shine brightly in this dark time.

No I have 2 children from my ex husband.  This was my first relationship after my divorce . I dated 1 other man but several months into found out he was married and never spoke to him after that so to me I can't count that as a relationship.  I was pregnant with my exBPDbf's baby but miscarried at about 10 weeks. We were together 4 years and planned to marry but he couldn't get his crap together so I refused to marry him until we worked out our problems. Very hard situation for me to deal with. I did end up with my other 2 kids full time instead of shared custody because their father wasn't treating them correctly but it's been 6 months of on storm after the next :'(

[peiper]

 

I am with you!  Fighting depression hard.  I tell myself this:  Their world is a manufactured magic act.  I remember standing in my house, trembling at the horror that was unfolding in my life and then grabbing an ipad and seeing his happy posts as if his world is perfect.  It was a complete illusion and I was merely a prop.  Our pain is horrid, but it is temporary.  We have the ability to heal and be whole if we choose and give ourselves time.  They are not happy, not whole.  I too feel in limbo waiting for his world to crumble.  Sometimes I feel like my life is on hold until it does.  But I can't stay in that place.  He's a magician.  I was part of his act for 7 years and the best thing I can do is take good care of myself now and hopefully care less and less how good his ACT appears to others.  I remember wanting OUT while I was IN.  I remember sensing the horror, negativity, intense disorder that had no name.  Now I know.  More importantly, I KNOW I AM WHOLE. 

You are not alone.  Hang in there and keep posting.

I'm with you all on this. I've been fighting this depression for months. It got a little better when I saw on Facebook that my replacement and his friends had been deleted from her friends list. In a way it gave me validation. Now he's back on, which depressed me more. But looking at this intellectually rather then emotionally this relationship is running true to form as she broke up six times and always wanted to come back. The depression is still with me but I'm going to beat it. I wish all of you luck.

[Hope0807]

I could care less about the replacement or replacementS.  My ex may keep his magic act up for the next 2 decades with his latest fling.  I remember what it was like to be with him, so she can have his emotionally challenged, totally dysfunctional, ridiculously chaotic way of TRYING to live.  Good riddance!

What kills me the most is, I'm 40, have a Masters Degree, and created a purpose-driven, passion-filled business for the TWO of us to retire into.  Stupidly, I made him the face of it and allowed him to run away with it.  I'm lucky that I still have my career, but I do miss both the income and heart-felt rewards that business brought.  It was my "baby" so to speak and I will always feel like he stole it.  On top of it all, he uses social media and all of his "followers" to continue the smear campaign against me.  I've lost so, so, so much.  So now I'm looking at having to get a second job, when I already created a lucrative business that he stole.

Many would and have said, "do it again, you can do it on your own…" - yes, I can.  But that ship has sailed and I do not wish to be in competition with him or involved in the same circles any longer.  It's time for ME to have an identity all my own. 

 

I am with you!  Fighting depression hard.  I tell myself this:  Their world is a manufactured magic act.  I remember standing in my house, trembling at the horror that was unfolding in my life and then grabbing an ipad and seeing his happy posts as if his world is perfect.  It was a complete illusion and I was merely a prop.  Our pain is horrid, but it is temporary.  We have the ability to heal and be whole if we choose and give ourselves time.  They are not happy, not whole.  I too feel in limbo waiting for his world to crumble.  Sometimes I feel like my life is on hold until it does.  But I can't stay in that place.  He's a magician.  I was part of his act for 7 years and the best thing I can do is take good care of myself now and hopefully care less and less how good his ACT appears to others.  I remember wanting OUT while I was IN.  I remember sensing the horror, negativity, intense disorder that had no name.  Now I know.  More importantly, I KNOW I AM WHOLE. 

You are not alone.  Hang in there and keep posting.

I'm with you all on this. I've been fighting this depression for months. It got a little better when I saw on Facebook that my replacement and his friends had been deleted from her friends list. In a way it gave me validation. Now he's back on, which depressed me more. But looking at this intellectually rather then emotionally this relationship is running true to form as she broke up six times and always wanted to come back. The depression is still with me but I'm going to beat it. I wish all of you luck.

[Left broken and confused]

Hi Hope

You sound like such a strong intelligent women. I always thought of myself the same way. I have a good job with a nice business on the side which suffered with me the last few months of course. I support my 2 children, was helping my exBPDbf and myself. I am not a millionaire but do the best I can and financially have given us a good life for a single mother with no child support. How could we not have seen these people coming from a mile away? I am 42 and didn't want another child but after my miscarriage I was deviated and struggled for months feeling like our baby was punished for some reason. I now feel differently about it but it has been rough to say the least.

[Indyan]

How could we not have seen these people coming from a mile away? I am 42 and didn't want another child but after my miscarriage I was deviated and struggled for months feeling like our baby was punished for some reason. I now feel differently about it but it has been rough to say the least.

same here, but baby's here now. He's a blessing and a joyful and marvellous baby, but I can't cut ties with my ex, and it's hard.

I got so desperate at times during my pregnancy that I hoped for miscarriage  :'(

[Deeno02]

Im horribly depressed. Sometimes I wonder why I dont end it, but I have 2 kids that need me and frankly, the b___ isnt worth it. I see my T and I went to a Psych so I could get happy pills, and those are on the way. Its a daily battle. I for the life of me cant understand how they can go from me one week and with someone else the next. Its so damn hurtful to realize you didnt matter one bit to her... .poof, you magically erased from her life like you didnt even exist. I cant wrap my head around it.

[Blimblam]

Im horribly depressed. Sometimes I wonder why I dont end it, but I have 2 kids that need me and frankly, the b___ isnt worth it. I see my T and I went to a Psych so I could get happy pills, and those are on the way. Its a daily battle. I for the life of me cant understand how they can go from me one week and with someone else the next. Its so damn hurtful to realize you didnt matter one bit to her... .poof, you magically erased from her life like you didnt even exist. I cant wrap my head around it.

Read books about the disorder. They help tremendously.

[Deeno02]

Im horribly depressed. Sometimes I wonder why I dont end it, but I have 2 kids that need me and frankly, the b___ isnt worth it. I see my T and I went to a Psych so I could get happy pills, and those are on the way. Its a daily battle. I for the life of me cant understand how they can go from me one week and with someone else the next. Its so damn hurtful to realize you didnt matter one bit to her... .poof, you magically erased from her life like you didnt even exist. I cant wrap my head around it.

Read books about the disorder. They help tremendously.

Any suggestions?

[Hope0807]

Endless suggestions…they've been a lifeline between what feels like hell pulling me under - and HOPE!  Here's what I recommend you start with:

1. Living and Living After Betrayal by Steven Stosny

2.  Journey from Abandonment to Healing by Susan Anderson

3.  Life Code by Dr. Phil McGraw

4.  The Human Magnet Syndrome by Ross Rosenberg

I strongly recommend audio versions too, if you have the slightest interest.  I listen while walking or driving and the sense of both knowledge and accomplishment of even a small task is helpful in the healing process.

Best wishes.

Im horribly depressed. Sometimes I wonder why I dont end it, but I have 2 kids that need me and frankly, the b___ isnt worth it. I see my T and I went to a Psych so I could get happy pills, and those are on the way. Its a daily battle. I for the life of me cant understand how they can go from me one week and with someone else the next. Its so damn hurtful to realize you didnt matter one bit to her... .poof, you magically erased from her life like you didnt even exist. I cant wrap my head around it.

Read books about the disorder. They help tremendously.

Any suggestions?

[Indyan]

poof, you magically erased from her life like you didnt even exist. I cant wrap my head around it.

Yes, that's the hard bit. It keeps going round and round in my head, and I can't make sense of it, like pieces of a jigsaw that won't match.

There's a song on this that describes it really well: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Utx8-sZt9iM

[Blimblam]

Im horribly depressed. Sometimes I wonder why I dont end it, but I have 2 kids that need me and frankly, the b___ isnt worth it. I see my T and I went to a Psych so I could get happy pills, and those are on the way. Its a daily battle. I for the life of me cant understand how they can go from me one week and with someone else the next. Its so damn hurtful to realize you didnt matter one bit to her... .poof, you magically erased from her life like you didnt even exist. I cant wrap my head around it.

Read books about the disorder. They help tremendously.

Any suggestions?

Here's the site recommended book list.

https://bpdfamily.com/content/book-reviews

My personal favorite is the book the search for the real self  the personality disorders of our age by James f masterson.

There is a book on treating a pwBPD using the schema modes that looks really interesting on amazon. 

I read one of Jeffery youngs books on the schema modes. But one specifically about treating a pwBPD seems more interesting.

The betrayal bond. That's a good book.