We had a physical fight

[SlyQQ]

I am guessing since your english is so good you would know that oz meant Australia but just in case

[RELATIONSHIP PROBLEM SOLVING]

RELATIONSHIP PROBLEM SOLVING This is a high level discussion board for solving ongoing, day-to-day relationship conflicts. Members are welcomed to express frustration but must seek constructive solutions to problems. This is not a place for relationship "stay" or "leave" discussions. Please read the specific guidelines for this group.

[AnnaK]

Well, for now India is closer, Australia next time :D... .I m in Spain

[SlyQQ]

so you have no sense of adventure

[AnnaK]

Well, not enough, I'd say

[SlyQQ]

could be a good thing mellowing like a good wine over time counting down to new year hear had the swim done the cream slide wrapped up the drinking games just some singing an dancing to go unfortunately i am sober an have to check my computer for work but going to make the best of the rest of the year now so HAPPY NEW YEAR! 

[AnnaK]

Yeah, Happy New Year to you too.

I am hopelessly sober, going to remain sober, and I am actually working now. I m software developer.

---

We'll probably reconcile with my bf - after breaking up "forever", the abandonment fear has come in and gave us both a cold shower.

[SlyQQ]

Glad to hear it ( most software developers are crazy so that explains a lot) if you want some throw away advice from someone who is probably a bit like you its this I always thought nothing could really touch me but children turned out to be my achilles heel dont let yourself be vunerable to your BPD partner

have had to try an control my BPD stepdaughters ( who i now care for ) an boyfriends fights there psych suggested a safe word it might be worth testing this with your partner to see if it works

All the best  

[AnnaK]

Yeah, we are not yet decided about children. The next checkpoint is getting married (or not getting married). As this issue is given to him to decide upon (he has more family pressure - I have none), it may never happen.

Right now he told me that I should not come back to India "because you had enough".

But when I pointed out that I see the intensity of emotions (positive as well as negative) as a way to live an emotionally satisfying life (that's true), he instantly reversed the blame.

Last I heard from him, is that I want to be happy (have intense emotions) in spite of the harm it causes to others.

That's not true of course... .or no more true that I cause harm to people because of having been born.

I see it more like standing in the rain - the rain will continue, no matter if I stand there or not. My liking the rain or hating the rain does not affect the rain itself.

I did not SEEK emotions by acting out. I already HAD the emotions as a hard reality given to me at the moment I snapped.

[AnnaK]

Well, after talking more to him, I guess we are down to old good love-hate cycle.

I LEFT India, after all... .abandoned... .and he has no control over my coming back... .and he does not trust me that I would come back, no matter how much I repeat that I would. And the more I repeat that I would come back, the angrier he gets.

So he is in the dark place, nothing to be done.

[hurting300]

Do you think maybe both of you should take a step back and evaluate this relationship? Once things get heated and physical fights start it can get rather dangerous.

[SlyQQ]

Pondering what you said it is likely he might want to hurt you emotionally or phycically at this stage but he also wants you back in his sphere of influence ( nice trick no wonder he is black ) just curiously where abouts in india ( I only know a bit about new dehli ( dont go there before the monsoon and spent some time in kashmir pakistan and sri lanka if that counts )

[AnnaK]

Do you think maybe both of you should take a step back and evaluate this relationship? Once things get heated and physical fights start it can get rather dangerous.

I do martial arts, so I welcome physical fight, it does not bother me... . from what it looked, we were both content to let out a bit of steam

Right after that, I was like - ooh, this bare-handed fight was good, I never fought bare-handed before - please, please - will we do it again? He was also quite good natured - he does like fighting too.

The girl who became the witness, she was shocked and crying though.

[AnnaK]

Pondering what you said it is likely he might want to hurt you emotionally or phycically at this stage but he also wants you back in his sphere of influence ( nice trick no wonder he is black )

just curiously where abouts in india ( I only know a bit about new dehli ( dont go there before the monsoon and spent some time in kashmir pakistan and sri lanka if that counts )

You are very right, I recently realised, that it is probably that he has no more control over the events, this is what bothers him most.

Not that I do anything weird, but there are natural delays, related to finances and everything, and he can't know from the distance why it's been a week and I am still without tickets.

The separation where he had control over tickets and I did not (he went to his home city), it bothered ME more than it bothered him.

So it's about control.

It's in Delhi NCR. I spent summer right before monsoon there, and it gets very hot indeed. However, I bear heat better than I bear cold, so it's fine. This December it was very cold there, and I was very unhappy about it.

[hurting300]

Do you think maybe both of you should take a step back and evaluate this relationship? Once things get heated and physical fights start it can get rather dangerous.

I do martial arts, so I welcome physical fight, it does not bother me... .  from what it looked, we were both content to let out a bit of steam

Right after that, I was like - ooh, this bare-handed fight was good, I never fought bare-handed before - please, please - will we do it again? He was also quite good natured.

The girl who became the witness, she was shocked and crying though.

This isn't healthy. You really should be careful using martial arts, most people who do know and have been trained don't welcome people to "try them"  things are going to get seriously dangerous between you two. Are you in therapy?

[AnnaK]

Do you think maybe both of you should take a step back and evaluate this relationship? Once things get heated and physical fights start it can get rather dangerous.

I do martial arts, so I welcome physical fight, it does not bother me... . from what it looked, we were both content to let out a bit of steam

Right after that, I was like - ooh, this bare-handed fight was good, I never fought bare-handed before - please, please - will we do it again? He was also quite good natured.


The girl who became the witness, she was shocked and crying though.

This isn't healthy. You really should be careful using martial arts, most people who do know and have been trained don't welcome people to "try them"  things are going to get seriously dangerous between you two. Are you in therapy?

Oh my, we are not using it to kill each other. He also knows boxing, so we are both very careful.

That is, martial arts training does not only teach you how to hurt people - it also teaches you how NOT to hurt people too bad.

Everybody remembers that we still want each other alive... .it reminds me more of those fights that my cats stage every couple of hours - they look like badly dangerous animals in the middle of killing each other - but none of the cats gets any damage  

PS: by the way I also never fight with anyone who did not have special training. It's dangerous for them and not interesting for me.

[hurting300]

Do you think maybe both of you should take a step back and evaluate this relationship? Once things get heated and physical fights start it can get rather dangerous.

I do martial arts, so I welcome physical fight, it does not bother me... .  from what it looked, we were both content to let out a bit of steam

Right after that, I was like - ooh, this bare-handed fight was good, I never fought bare-handed before - please, please - will we do it again? He was also quite good natured.

The girl who became the witness, she was shocked and crying though.

This isn't healthy. You really should be careful using martial arts, most people who do know and have been trained don't welcome people to "try them"  things are going to get seriously dangerous between you two. Are you in therapy?

Oh my, we are not using it to kill each other. He also knows boxing, so we are both very careful.

So, in the heat of a moment fight with a possible BPD, your convinced he'll watch how hard he hits you? I'm not judging or scrutinizing you... we're just talking. 

[AnnaK]

Do you think maybe both of you should take a step back and evaluate this relationship? Once things get heated and physical fights start it can get rather dangerous.

I do martial arts, so I welcome physical fight, it does not bother me... .  from what it looked, we were both content to let out a bit of steam

Right after that, I was like - ooh, this bare-handed fight was good, I never fought bare-handed before - please, please - will we do it again? He was also quite good natured.

The girl who became the witness, she was shocked and crying though.

This isn't healthy. You really should be careful using martial arts, most people who do know and have been trained don't welcome people to "try them"  things are going to get seriously dangerous between you two. Are you in therapy?

Oh my, we are not using it to kill each other. He also knows boxing, so we are both very careful.

So, in the heat of a moment fight with a possible BPD, your convinced he'll watch how hard he hits you? I'm not judging or scrutinizing you... we're just talking. 

Yes. He has been having the "punching problem" since teenager (that is, he'd punch people when angry), I still don't know anything about anyone murdered by him. When we were boxing, he talked a lot about how to "safely" hit someone, and why one should not use some specific punches (like uppercut to the chin)

[AnnaK]

All the damage I know about was inflicted when he'd punched untrained people too hard, and looked more like accidents - he'd push someone, and that person would fall.

My muscles and reflexes are used to this types of situations, so it will hardly happen here.

[AnnaK]

All the damage I know about was inflicted when he'd punched untrained people too hard, and looked more like accidents - he'd push someone, and that person would fall.

This is precisely the reason why I would never ever fight untrained people. I might not even do anything, just scare, and they might lose balance and hurt themselves.

[hurting300]

Interesting, so what's your plan for the relationship? What steps do you feel like you should take?

[AnnaK]

Interesting, so what's your plan for the relationship? What steps do you feel like you should take?

Does one really need a plan for a relationship?

I am getting to know him better, it is good direction in any relationship.

At some point his parents will probably chase him down, so he'll face the need to marry. I believe in his common sense, that he'd rather marry me, now that I know him quite well, than some girl he does not know (that infamous indian arranged marriage).

He is afraid to trust me, but so much more he is afraid to trust a stranger.

I made it very clear that I won't be able to continue if he marries someone else... .that does not work well for my self-respect.

If it does not happen... .well, nothing to be done, I will go through "love withdrawal" and keep living.

[AnnaK]

We did have some moments... .

"So you always act on impulse?" - "So you never do?" ... .mutually staring

"So you want to punch people JUST BECAUSE ANGRY?" - "So you don't?" ... .mutually staring

Now the relationship has worked its magic... .we are learning from each other... .

Before I met him, I had problems with feeling angry (I never ever had a fight with any friend or boyfriend before - I mean, ANY fight, not even verbal disagreement - this guy, our first fights, I was just staring in bewilderment, he did not seem to need any help to have a verbal fight with me - initially I was not sure what he expected me to say during a fight, but with trial and error, I figured out), I never ever acted on impulse and I could not hit/hurt any person (to the absurd extend that I was bullied for 8 years at school - but I did not want to fight back because I could hurt the feelings of my bullies)

This guy because of his own problems would push me further and further, to the very edge and beyond, when I would not have any choice but to snap back... .it was good for me, because in this process he did find my boundary (or made me define it) and I got the precious experience to snap back and defend my boundaries. 

[SlyQQ]

Food for thought You are maybe on some levels "addicted " to this relationship between the adrenilin rush and the push pull stuff that pumps up the seretonin each time you reconnect. There are also relative healthy an relatively unhealthy addictions ( those that promote well being exercise or hard drugs for example ) in either case the addiction can end up having an undue influence over your life and to some extent controlling it . Having said that a life lived without passion is a life not lived,  If your Partner is BPD which he may well not be he is going to be able to switch supply ten times more easily than you ( though I am not 100% sure exactly where you stand with regards to being "normal" ( yes I find normal generally boring to but i dont find boring all bad ) But i guess that is part of the danger that attracts you

Guessing here but you have me interested Guessing you are on south coast of Spain ( nice but havnt been there ) An i have ruled you being of northern european, US or hi caste indian the only people that would have your level of english other than uk irish or ex pat I am guessing Irish but dont tell me keep me guessing

 

[hurting300]

We did have some moments... .

"So you always act on impulse?" - "So you never do?" ... .mutually staring

"So you want to punch people JUST BECAUSE ANGRY?" - "So you don't?" ... .mutually staring

Now the relationship has worked its magic... .we are learning from each other... .

Before I met him, I had problems with feeling angry (I never ever had a fight with any friend or boyfriend before - I mean, ANY fight, not even verbal disagreement - this guy, our first fights, I was just staring in bewilderment, he did not seem to need any help to have a verbal fight with me - initially I was not sure what he expected me to say during a fight, but with trial and error, I figured out), I never ever acted on impulse and I could not hit/hurt any person (to the absurd extend that I was bullied for 8 years at school - but I did not want to fight back because I could hurt the feelings of my bullies)

I live in America, I had a huge crush on a girl from India, her dad owned a store. You really should have a hard look at your and his actions, and come up with a plan. You're on the staying board so you should get good advise should you decide fully that you want to stay. Thanks for sharing.

[SlyQQ]

P.S. it is the humidity and wind that makes the cold an heat in Delhi so hard to handle live somewhere else if you can

[AnnaK]

Food for thought

You are maybe on some levels "addicted " to this relationship

between the adrenilin rush and the push pull stuff that pumps up the seretonin

each time you reconnect. There are also relative healthy an relatively unhealthy

addictions ( those that promote well being exercise or hard drugs for example )

in either case the addiction can end up having an undue influence over your

life and to some extent controlling it . Having said that a life lived without passion

is a life not lived,  

If your Partner is BPD which he may well not be he is going to be able to switch

supply ten times more easily than you ( though I am not 100% sure exactly

where you stand with regards to being "normal" ( yes I find normal generally

boring to but i dont find boring all bad ) But i guess that is part of the danger

that attracts you

I know there is an element of addiction. But I assume I have attachment problem, because in the absence of addiction, with an emotionally available nice guy, I feel bored and walk away.

So I knew from start he is good at making girls addicted (I did not know what is BPD, but I knew perfectly what is push/pull cycle and how it affects girls), and I went for him knowing/hoping he would make me reasonably addicted to prevent me from getting bored and walking away - but not so addicted to ruin my life (there were other addicted girls around him, who complained he ruined their lives).

I knew it might be dangerous or at least very stressful to live with him, so the setup of three months in/three months out was quite good for me. No jumping head first.

He does switch supply... .in fact there were always other girlfriends around him. I actually feel sorry for them, because of his tendency to ruin their lives... .and I doubt he understands the mechanism, just considers girls to be weak and emotional... .he used to reproach me in not being sufficiently "emotional" (that is, I read it, that he wanted also to ruin my life, but it did not work)

Guessing here but you have me interested Guessing you are on south coast of Spain

( nice but havnt been there ) An i have ruled you being of northern european, US or

hi caste indian the only people that would have your level of english other than uk

irish or ex pat  I am guessing Irish

but dont tell me keep me guessing  

Wrong. Nothing to do with England. And my English I learned at 15 Then I lived in USA for 3 years.

[AnnaK]

 

If your Partner is BPD which he may well not be he is going to be able to switch

supply ten times more easily than you

His being BPD also means he is extremely bad at "doing" a long-term relationship. If he gets serious into anyone, all I have to do is to leave them alone for a couple of months - the problems sorts itself.

[SlyQQ]

silly of me to overlook something so obvious sigh

[SlyQQ]

the last remark was re you being in the states So do you think he is more addicted to you or vice versa ?

[AnnaK]

the last remark was re you being in the states

So do you think he is more addicted to you or vice versa ?

I never considered if he is addicted to me. I don't seek to make anyone addicted... .

But we both have an "exit barrier" - him in form of abandonment fear, me in the form of something similar too (maybe also abandonment fear, maybe indeed addiction).