Random realization

[How to communicate after a contentious divorce...]

I've been thinking about the years we were together and trying to figure out exactly what I miss, and I just realized... .other than the first few months we were dating, the entire 8 years we were together were pretty ___ed up. 

The truth is that I could deal with the ___ed up at the beginning (clinging, child-like, anxious) but I could NOT deal with all the ___ed up at the end (dishonest, unfaithful, cold).

[jhkbuzz]

I've been thinking about the years we were together and trying to figure out exactly what I miss, and I just realized... .other than the first few months we were dating, the entire 8 years we were together were pretty ___ed up. 

The truth is that I could deal with the ___ed up at the beginning (clinging, child-like, anxious) but I could NOT deal with all the ___ed up at the end (dishonest, unfaithful, cold).

[Mutt]

The clinging, child like, anxiety in the beginning telegraphs red flags. That said, what have you learned?

[jhkbuzz]

The clinging, child like, anxiety in the beginning telegraphs red flags. That said, what have you learned?

That I was very unhappy when we met, so I was very vulnerable to the idealization. That her neediness made me feel very needed in ways that weren't healthy (now that I look back on it).

The clinging, childlike anxiety didn't appear until after we moved in together, though.  At that point I was committed, so... .I think what I would have to recognize is the "idealization" if it ever happened with anyone else.  That would have to be the red flag.

[CloseToFreedom]

The clinging, child like, anxiety in the beginning telegraphs red flags. That said, what have you learned?

That I was very unhappy when we met, so I was very vulnerable to the idealization. That her neediness made me feel very needed in ways that weren't healthy (now that I look back on it).

The clinging, childlike anxiety didn't appear until after we moved in together, though.  At that point I was committed, so... .I think what I would have to recognize is the "idealization" if it ever happened with anyone else.  That would have to be the red flag.

Oh I recognise this. SHe was too young to immediately live together though, but she was so often with me in my house that we might as well were living together. She NEEDED me so bad, and I needed someone to need me so bad. It was too much, as I was losing everyone else in my life. Now that Im out after four years, it becomes clear she crippled me, or should I say I let her cripple me.

[Mutt]

I think what I would have to recognize is the "idealization" if it ever happened with anyone else.  That would have to be the red flag.

A relationship where a person is idealized is not a healthy one.

[jhkbuzz]

I think what I would have to recognize is the "idealization" if it ever happened with anyone else.  That would have to be the red flag.

A relationship where a person is idealized is not a healthy one.

Yes... .but there is some idealization that occurs at the beginning of any romance... .that's infatuation, right?  How to discern normal infatuation from unhealthy idealization is the key... .but I'm not sure I'd be able to recognize the difference. That's what scares me.

[Mutt]

My relationship with my BPDgf ended in August... .about four months ago.  We were together for 8 years. She was a quiet pwBPD... .no raging but lots of passive aggressiveness. Beginning of the relationship was a whirlwind, she pushed to move in together quickly and to have a baby... .luckily we never ended up having a child together.

I agree there's idealization in the honeymoon and there are many moving parts with a romance.

That's what scares me.

This whirlwind I can relate with  

Does this trigger a warning sign going into the next r/s? My r/s started like a whirlwind, there's plenty of time for myself to get to know a person before getting into a serious commitment. I neglected the warning signs and I had my own needs.

Why rush?

I understand feeling anticipation, stress, fear and anxiety because you don't want to fall into the rabbit hole again.

You've been through a lot. You may feel or think differently as you work through detachment.

Are you in T?

[jhkbuzz]

My relationship with my BPDgf ended in August... .about four months ago.  We were together for 8 years. She was a quiet pwBPD... .no raging but lots of passive aggressiveness. Beginning of the relationship was a whirlwind, she pushed to move in together quickly and to have a baby... .luckily we never ended up having a child together.

I agree there's idealization in the honeymoon and there are many moving parts with a romance.

That's what scares me.

This whirlwind I can relate with  

Does this trigger a warning sign going into the next r/s? My r/s started like a whirlwind, there's plenty of time for myself to get to know a person before getting into a serious commitment. I neglected the warning signs and I had my own needs.

Why rush?

I understand feeling anticipation, stress, fear and anxiety because you don't want to fall into the rabbit hole again.

You've been through a lot. You may feel or think differently as you work through detachment.

Are you in T?

Wow... .I just realized that you dug into some of my old posts!  Thank you for taking the time to do that... .

Yes, our relationship started as a whirlwind... .we had a running joke that she was the "gas pedal" and I was the "brakes."  We committed and moved in together (and started parenting her 11 year old daughter together) 7 months after we met.  That was still too fast for me... .but it would have been much, much faster if I had not made such a concerted effort to slow things down.

So... .yes.  Will take my time before becoming committed again, and will really get to know the other person first.  At this point, I'm not even sure I have a choice in that - I'm wary, and with good reason.  

Yes, thank god I have a T.  Going to talk to her today about the two different kinds of "pain" that I feel.  The one type I recognize as normal - losing a person that I loved, (in some ways) losing my stepdaughter, my exBPD's family, getting through the holidays... .all normal stuff, I think.

But there's another pain... .one I can't name that sends me into fits of despair and crying that I can't seem to shake.  That's my stuff, I think.  And I want to get to the bottom of it.  I suspect that, until I do, I won't be able to let go.

[Mutt]

I'm happy to hear you have a session today with your T. You have "core stuff" that you may want to explore in T.

I'm sorry to hear about your SD and ex in-laws

I have a SD as well, I have a bond with her and perhaps one day we'll reconnect. At present moment, it's complicated with ex.

I understand its hard jhkbuzz. I hope you have a good session today, it really helps to talk.


Hang in there.


--Mutt

[jhkbuzz]

I'm happy to hear you have a session today with your T. You have "core stuff" that you may want to explore in T.

I'm sorry to hear about your SD and ex in-laws

I have a SD as well, I have a bond with her and perhaps one day we'll reconnect. At present moment, it's complicated with ex.

I understand its hard jhkbuzz. I hope you have a good session today, it really helps to talk.


Hang in there.


--Mutt

I'm sorry about your SD... .that's very, very hard.  It's one of the reasons that I'm glad that I "stuck it out" until my SD became an adult... .I can maintain a relationship with her now without needing permission to do so from her mother.

I see that you're a moderator here... .thank you for taking the time to talk to me. 

[Mutt]

You're welcome.

My ex made said she was done and she was moving on. It's two years after she's left. I've found peace.

My SD15, I'm hopeful we'll reconnect. The future will come soon enough.