My fault

[Depression = 72% of members]

Instagram photo of her and new guy. They looked happy, I fell to pieces. I have not said a word to her in over 4 months, but I had to comment. All I said on the comment section was "glad your happy... good bye my love". It hurt to perhaps get closure of some sort. So I recieve a text with the following, why she still has my number is beyond me,

"Please delete your comment on my picture.  I'm not sure why you did that.  It's very passive aggressive.  If you have something to say to me then say it.  Don't leave a message on my Instagram picture."

I replied to her text with:

I was genuine in my comment. Nothing bad was meant by it, so please drop the ego. I am happy that your happy and I have no animosity towards you and I'm happy your in a good place. Talk to you later.

I'm currently sick to my stomach, but I think this may have been a benefit to my sanity.

Funny part is, she blocked me on Instagram, but my comment is still there.

[Deeno02]

Instagram photo of her and new guy. They looked happy, I fell to pieces. I have not said a word to her in over 4 months, but I had to comment. All I said on the comment section was "glad your happy... good bye my love". It hurt to perhaps get closure of some sort. So I recieve a text with the following, why she still has my number is beyond me,

"Please delete your comment on my picture.  I'm not sure why you did that.  It's very passive aggressive.  If you have something to say to me then say it.  Don't leave a message on my Instagram picture."

I replied to her text with:

I was genuine in my comment. Nothing bad was meant by it, so please drop the ego. I am happy that your happy and I have no animosity towards you and I'm happy your in a good place. Talk to you later.

I'm currently sick to my stomach, but I think this may have been a benefit to my sanity.

Funny part is, she blocked me on Instagram, but my comment is still there.

[Mutt]

Hi Deeno02,

I'm sorry  It's painful when we aren't given closure and the response is acidic. Closure is something two healthier adults give to each other. Her response was nothing but. You can give yourself closure.

[Deeno02]

Hi Deeno02,

I'm sorry  It's painful when we aren't given closure and the response is acidic. Closure is something two healthier adults give to each other. Her response was nothing but. You can give yourself closure.

Im thinking so to Mutt. I guess I just had to nut up and see it for myself. Not sure why so acidic a response, as you would think she would be relieved. But, history repeats itself.Her husband became public enemy # 1, so I guess Im #2. Genuinely Im glad shes happy, as this guy can give her the superficial stuff she requires.

[Mutt]

You sound sincere in your message. I think it's saying good-bye, you wish her well and you could take this as closure. She may not be able to meet you halfway on this Deeno02, and it's not because of you.

It triggers feelings in her of shame and guilt, that's why you go such an acidic response. She knows what she did, it's the defense mechanisms of the disorder, someone has to be the bad person. I'm sorry.

As you point out, you know her track record. If she's not helping herself it's bleak? There's a silver lining, you're not H number 2, a different kind of ballgame when you face divorce with a pwBPD. It's not to say what you are going through now is not hard. It's tough.

I suggest don't peek or respond until you've put some more space and time between you. It's like pouring salt in the wounds.

[Deeno02]

You sound sincere in your message. I think it's saying good-bye, you wish her well and you could take this as closure. She may not be able to meet you halfway on this Deeno02, and it's not because of you.

It triggers feelings in her of shame and guilt, that's why you go such an acidic response. She knows what she did, it's the defense mechanisms of the disorder, someone has to be the bad person. I'm sorry.

As you point out, you know her track record. If she's not helping herself it's bleak? There's a silver lining, you're not H number 2, a different kind of ballgame when you face divorce with a pwBPD. It's not to say what you are going through now is not hard. It's tough.

I suggest don't peek or respond until you've put some more space and time between you. It's like pouring salt in the wounds.

Shes blocked on everything Mutt. Thats why is was such a shock that her instagram went not private? On purpose? Not sure. Shocked she still had my number as well. Puzzled on all this. Puzzled on why my comment is still there as well, even though totally blocked again. Method to their madness, not sure what that is... .hope i dont either.

[hurting300]

Wow buddy, she text you! That is what you wanted right? Your reply was great, you probably got to her. Think about this, if she hated you she wouldn't have text you man. She unblocked you. Trust me, you did good. She broke no contact. Not you.

[Deeno02]

Wow buddy, she text you! That is what you wanted right? Your reply was great, you probably got to her. Think about this, if she hated you she wouldn't have text you man. She unblocked you. Trust me, you did good. She broke no contact. Not you.

Not what I wanted, but it was a comedy of errors starting with my genuine goodbye to her on her instagram picture. Text came out of nowhere. In the end, I may have gotten some closure, which is good for me!

[Mutt]

Shes blocked on everything Mutt. Thats why is was such a shock that her instagram went not private? On purpose? Not sure. Shocked she still had my number as well. Puzzled on all this. Puzzled on why my comment is still there as well, even though totally blocked again. Method to their madness, not sure what that is... .hope i dont either.

The belief system is distorted. It's trying to make sense of the illogical. You got a taste of texting her after the break-up and you can get closure. You were also sick to your stomach. It gets better and you may become indifferent and emotionally detached from her words and behaviors if that's a goal.

I think what's more important is letting go and taking care of ourselves than the why's. A quote from an old member:

I used to ask "why" about everything.  But "why" kept me stuck, because nothing was "rational."   Instead, I started thinking rationally about me -- and me alone.   I know it's hard, if not nearly impossible, but it's the way through the pain.   My ex-girlfriend was a rubik's cube I tired of trying to figure out.

Think of her mind as a Rubik's cube. No one can truly tell why because she's wired differently.

[hurting300]

I was agree with mutt on this. But denno, if she did not care she wouldn't have text. The way you responded to her is gold.

[Deeno02]

I was agree with mutt on this. But denno, if she did not care she wouldn't have text. The way you responded to her is gold.

I doubt she realized I was sincere, hurting, and Im sure I was the topic of some rage to old college boy, like she did to me with her ex husband, but I was and am. Its called loving and being human. And processing letting go... .

I do hope its the last I hear from her though. You guys scare me with that recycle crap though... .

[myself]

Deeno, you broke NC when you posted the comment.

Were you really looking to find closure, or get her to react?

How she replied seems fine given the circumstance.

It's her right to be private or not. Yours too, or to block, etc.

She doesn't want a recycle. She wants to stay NC, which works for you.

What's next? Keep making an honestly better life for yourself.

[hurting300]

I was agree with mutt on this. But denno, if she did not care she wouldn't have text. The way you responded to her is gold.

I doubt she realized I was sincere, hurting, and Im sure I was the topic of some rage to old college boy, like she did to me with her ex husband, but I was and am. Its called loving and being human. And processing letting go... .

I do hope its the last I hear from her though. You guys scare me with that recycle crap though... .

mine don't talk to me. She just covertly stalks.

[Splitblack4good]

Tbh deeno I'm surprised you did that after 4 months NC I know she text you but commenting on her photo was contact of some description do you feel like you have set yourself back now on detaching ? And 4 NC have been wasted or do you feel ok with it ?

[hurting300]

He made a mistake we all have guys. She contacted him back. If she truly wanted no contact, she would not have text him. I could email my ex all day long and not get nothing but a drive by.

[Mutt]

Tbh deeno I'm surprised you did that after 4 months NC I know she text you but commenting on her photo was contact of some description do you feel like you have set yourself back now on detaching ? And 4 NC have been wasted or do you feel ok with it ?

I don't see NC in black and white.

It is what it is.

I don't see it as a set-back and I have to agree with Deeno02. It's part of the process of letting go with saying good-bye and take care.

[Deeno02]

Tbh deeno I'm surprised you did that after 4 months NC I know she text you but commenting on her photo was contact of some description do you feel like you have set yourself back now on detaching ? And 4 NC have been wasted or do you feel ok with it ?

Split, Like I said, it just weirdly happened. It turned out like shock therapy seeing them all sunshine and roses. She never once(post a pic) did that with me on FB or Instagram. They looked happy. Guess Realization kicked in. Commented what I did, I guess, for a sort of closure. Guess thats all Im going to get. Strange she still has all my contact info though. I dont feel it was a waste of NC. Shes still blocked. Now her instagram account is blocked from me... .but my comment is still there!... .,lol

[hurting300]

Tbh deeno I'm surprised you did that after 4 months NC I know she text you but commenting on her photo was contact of some description do you feel like you have set yourself back now on detaching ? And 4 NC have been wasted or do you feel ok with it ?

Split, Like I said, it just weirdly happened. It turned out like shock therapy seeing them all sunshine and roses. She never once(post a pic) did that with me on FB or Instagram. They looked happy. Guess Realization kicked in. Commented what I did, I guess, for a sort of closure. Guess thats all Im going to get. Strange she still has all my contact info though. I dont feel it was a waste of NC. Shes still blocked. Now her instagram account is blocked from me... .but my comment is still there!... .,lol

they don't detach like we do. Mutt has it right. Other people do make a good point also.

[Deeno02]

Tbh deeno I'm surprised you did that after 4 months NC I know she text you but commenting on her photo was contact of some description do you feel like you have set yourself back now on detaching ? And 4 NC have been wasted or do you feel ok with it ?

Split, Like I said, it just weirdly happened. It turned out like shock therapy seeing them all sunshine and roses. She never once(post a pic) did that with me on FB or Instagram. They looked happy. Guess Realization kicked in. Commented what I did, I guess, for a sort of closure. Guess thats all Im going to get. Strange she still has all my contact info though. I dont feel it was a waste of NC. Shes still blocked. Now her instagram account is blocked from me... .but my comment is still there!... .,lol

they don't detach like we do. Mutt has it right. Other people do make a good point also.

Its why we are as devastated as we are. We have our issues ourselves, but we care for them, we love them. I still love her with all my heart. Wont take her back, wont forgive what she said about my kids and me. But I still have the capacity for love, regardless of what she said. They detach by reattaching. Thats why they are constantly in motion and frankly, they become over run by emotion, always playing catch up. Eventually, this new guy will wear thin somehow, wont matter that they are old college buddies, he'll fail too.

[Caredverymuch]

Tbh deeno I'm surprised you did that after 4 months NC I know she text you but commenting on her photo was contact of some description do you feel like you have set yourself back now on detaching ? And 4 NC have been wasted or do you feel ok with it ?

Split, Like I said, it just weirdly happened. It turned out like shock therapy seeing them all sunshine and roses. She never once(post a pic) did that with me on FB or Instagram. They looked happy. Guess Realization kicked in. Commented what I did, I guess, for a sort of closure. Guess thats all Im going to get. Strange she still has all my contact info though. I dont feel it was a waste of NC. Shes still blocked. Now her instagram account is blocked from me... .but my comment is still there!... .,lol

they don't detach like we do. Mutt has it right. Other people do make a good point also.

Its why we are as devastated as we are. We have our issues ourselves, but we care for them, we love them. I still love her with all my heart.

They detach by reattaching.

Yes. This is very much why we were devastated by this experience.  We were in a place of love and were utterly dropped on our heads.  There is a gapping wound that takes a good while to start to heal and sometimes the scab gets scratched open a bit, as has occurred for you Deeno despite your good intention.

You can't get closure from a borderline.  It will not happen the way we wish for or in the adult manner it should.

The lack of closure is the thing that makes us feel used, devalued, like we never mattered or existed.  And keeps us with a sense of hope.  Perhaps way down deep inside that hope lingers.  Hope that this was a mistake on their part. That they will come to their senses. That one day, they will appear on our doorstep full of regret and saying all the things we still say and feel. Full of understanding of what happened and what they lost. And they will be the adoring person they were for so long and never return to that other person, whom they really are.   I admit that I felt this and still in very, very weak moments my heart will supersede my wise mind and feel this. 

I haven't found one instance of that happening here.   

I get drive by baiting every few weeks which I ignore. A few days before Christmas  I was taking a walk and my expBPD drove by me and stopped at a stop sign just a few feet away, lingering there for a bit and as I became nearer, he just drove away.  Wouldn't a mature, non disordered person perhaps say "Merry Christmas and I hope all is well in your life."  Yes, they would, as you did in your comment on your ex photo. 

I deserve far better than what that r/s gave me. We all do.

As I continued my walk I thought, how sad the immense effort it took for me to heal.  All that hope I carried for so long.  That false hope. All the times I broke NC with the most sincere intentions, bc I loved. I cared. Bc I am mature.  And here was my value to a person I loved with all my heart and experienced a million emotions with. Two days before Christmas, a holiday very dear to us. That's the best he can do. 

I deserve far more as we all do.

BPD is not something to continue to try to figure out with why's and what ifs. We stay so stuck in that place. There are no concrete answers.  Closure only comes from within.  It's horrific what we experienced but we are out.  We dodged a bullet as they say.  We are healed and still healing and helping each other to remember our worth. 

You have a great deal of worth Deeno as does every member here. 

I gave the disorder back where it belongs. No more why's. 

They detach by reattaching.  We detach to get well.

[Deeno02]

Tbh deeno I'm surprised you did that after 4 months NC I know she text you but commenting on her photo was contact of some description do you feel like you have set yourself back now on detaching ? And 4 NC have been wasted or do you feel ok with it ?

Split, Like I said, it just weirdly happened. It turned out like shock therapy seeing them all sunshine and roses. She never once(post a pic) did that with me on FB or Instagram. They looked happy. Guess Realization kicked in. Commented what I did, I guess, for a sort of closure. Guess thats all Im going to get. Strange she still has all my contact info though. I dont feel it was a waste of NC. Shes still blocked. Now her instagram account is blocked from me... .but my comment is still there!... .,lol

they don't detach like we do. Mutt has it right. Other people do make a good point also.

Its why we are as devastated as we are. We have our issues ourselves, but we care for them, we love them. I still love her with all my heart.

They detach by reattaching.

Yes. This is very much why we were devastated by this experience.  We were in a place of love and were utterly dropped on our heads.  There is a gapping wound that takes a good while to start to heal and sometimes the scab gets scratched open a bit, as has occurred for you Deeno despite your good intention.

You can't get closure from a borderline.  It will not happen the way we wish for or in the adult manner it should.

The lack of closure is the thing that makes us feel used, devalued, like we never mattered or existed.  And keeps us with a sense of hope.  Perhaps way down deep inside that hope lingers.  Hope that this was a mistake on their part. That they will come to their senses. That one day, they will appear on our doorstep full of regret and saying all the things we still say and feel. Full of understanding of what happened and what they lost. And they will be the adoring person they were for so long and never return to that other person, whom they really are.   I admit that I felt this and still in very, very weak moments my heart will supersede my wise mind and feel this. 

I haven't found one instance of that happening here.   

I get drive by baiting every few weeks. A few days before Christmas  I was taking a walk and my expBPD drove by me and stopped at a stop sign just a few feet away, lingering there for a bit and as I became nearer, he just drove away.  Wouldn't a mature, non disordered person perhaps say "Merry Christmas and I hope all is well in your life."  Yes, they would, as you did in your comment on your ex photo. 

I just continued my walk and thought, how sad the immense effort it took for me to heal.  All that hope I carried for so long.  That false hope.  That was my value to a person I loved with all my heart and experienced a million emotions with. Two days before Christmas, a holiday very dear to us. That's the best he can do. 

BPD is not something to continue to try to figure out with why's and what ifs. We stay so stuck in that place. There are no concrete answers.  Closure only comes from within.  It's horrific what we experienced but we are out.  We dodged a bullet as they say.  We are healed and still healing and helping each other to remember our worth. 

You have a great deal of worth Deeno as does every member here. 

I gave the disorder back where it belongs. No more why's. 

They detach by reattaching.  We detach to get well.

If you are not good for my life, you are not welcome in my life. 

Yep. I think I needed this to happen as it did. Im sure shes b___ing up a storm on my "passive agressive" comment, when I truly meant it. This is how shallow they are. Amazingly so. No gracious acceptance, immediately thought I was being demeaning or snarky. For over 4 months Ive left her be and through one unlucky click, I had a wake up call I wont and still dont like and wished someone I loved a heartfelt expression of happiness for her while still in pain. Thats what mature adults do. Im tarnished, imperfect, but god damnit, Im not so shallow as to be like her. This makes her even more ridiculous.

[Splitblack4good]

Good on ya then deeno least you got what you wanted and needed from this . I got a similar reaction on Xmas eve when I told my ex I'm glad she found someone that can spend a lot more  time with her and I'm cutting all ties with her as I dont want go get in the way of her new relaitionship ! She didn't like that !

I'm pleased for you deeno that you got some form if closure after 4 months

[Pingo]

Hi Deeno, how are you feeling today about what happened? 

Sometimes we get stuck in our healing and have to shake things up.  NC is a tool for detachment but sometimes we need to get stuff off our chest.  Not for them to change their mind but for us to move forward.  I did this as well a few months out of the r/s.  I didn't get anything back that I would have hoped for but it helped me see that moving on was the only thing I could do.  There was a sense of finality.

Maybe this was your tying up loose ends in 2014 and a new year is going to be a fresh new beginning for you!  Wishing you all the best in 2015!  

[Deeno02]

Hi Deeno, how are you feeling today about what happened? 

Sometimes we get stuck in our healing and have to shake things up.  NC is a tool for detachment but sometimes we need to get stuff off our chest.  Not for them to change their mind but for us to move forward.  I did this as well a few months out of the r/s.  I didn't get anything back that I would have hoped for but it helped me see that moving on was the only thing I could do.  There was a sense of finality.

Maybe this was your tying up loose ends in 2014 and a new year is going to be a fresh new beginning for you!  Wishing you all the best in 2015!  

Hey Pingo, it is what it is. It was shock therapy. Didnt expect to hear from her, but she had to show her ass by snarky comment. Oh well. Poor new guy is doomed.