Mom with BPD?

[Our abuse recovery guide]

Howdy,

I work in a library, and I love to read, so frequently I find myself checking out the books I'm supposed to be shelving. The other day, I was putting away a book about BPD. I started reading it and realized that it was describing a lot of negative behaviors/traits I've noticed in my mom over the years. She has never been diagnosed, but I thought some of the communication strategies in the book might help me communicate better with her. However, as I read I'm seeing many examples of relatives trying and failing to validate (which is basically what I feel like I've been doing my entire life). It all just feels sort of... .exhausting. Also, and I hate to say this, but there's a big part of me that feels like I'm the one who puts all the effort into our relationship and I get very little out of it.

Here are some behaviors that I've observed over the years from my mom:

1. alcoholism (and possibly, now, addiction to pain killers) and chain smoking.

2. anger/rage issues (road rage, too, oh boy!)

3. entitlement. massive, major entitlement

4. repeating past mistakes/inability to foresee consequences/apply logic

5. ascribing strange meaning to seemingly innocent conversations. Most recently my 4-year-old told my mother, "I like your house, nana" and she called me later, drunk and ranting that he said that because he's never seen her house before (not true, although I do limit their time together.)

6. inability to maintain romantic relationships. When I was a child I had a scrap book of all my mom's ex-boyfriends (so I could remember them all). When she loved them, I had to love them too. When she hated them, I had to jump onto the hate train. I had a very hard time trusting any of the new men she brought home and resented having to call them dad.

Any and all advice welcome. My strategy at this point is just to take her in small doses and try to hit periods of sobriety, however, she is very angry and resentful that she's not allowed "full grandparent privileges," namely we don't allow him to be in her house alone. I often feel guilty about this, but I have a very supportive and loving partner who constantly reminds me that we have the right as parents to determine a safe environment for our child.

Seems like it would be a lot easier if she'd just acknowledge she has a problem, but as far as she's concerned everyone else in the world is persecuting her.

[TacoMama]

Howdy,

I work in a library, and I love to read, so frequently I find myself checking out the books I'm supposed to be shelving. The other day, I was putting away a book about BPD. I started reading it and realized that it was describing a lot of negative behaviors/traits I've noticed in my mom over the years. She has never been diagnosed, but I thought some of the communication strategies in the book might help me communicate better with her. However, as I read I'm seeing many examples of relatives trying and failing to validate (which is basically what I feel like I've been doing my entire life). It all just feels sort of... .exhausting. Also, and I hate to say this, but there's a big part of me that feels like I'm the one who puts all the effort into our relationship and I get very little out of it.

Here are some behaviors that I've observed over the years from my mom:

1. alcoholism (and possibly, now, addiction to pain killers) and chain smoking.

2. anger/rage issues (road rage, too, oh boy!)

3. entitlement. massive, major entitlement

4. repeating past mistakes/inability to foresee consequences/apply logic

5. ascribing strange meaning to seemingly innocent conversations. Most recently my 4-year-old told my mother, "I like your house, nana" and she called me later, drunk and ranting that he said that because he's never seen her house before (not true, although I do limit their time together.)

6. inability to maintain romantic relationships. When I was a child I had a scrap book of all my mom's ex-boyfriends (so I could remember them all). When she loved them, I had to love them too. When she hated them, I had to jump onto the hate train. I had a very hard time trusting any of the new men she brought home and resented having to call them dad.

Any and all advice welcome. My strategy at this point is just to take her in small doses and try to hit periods of sobriety, however, she is very angry and resentful that she's not allowed "full grandparent privileges," namely we don't allow him to be in her house alone. I often feel guilty about this, but I have a very supportive and loving partner who constantly reminds me that we have the right as parents to determine a safe environment for our child.

Seems like it would be a lot easier if she'd just acknowledge she has a problem, but as far as she's concerned everyone else in the world is persecuting her.

[Ziggiddy]

Hi tacomama and welcome to the family!

Well it must have been quite a shock for you to suddenly find out that something may have been wrong with your mother for a long time.

And what serendipity - to find it in a book you were shelving! Ain't life strange?

Yes it does sound like some of the symptoms you describe are also present in BPD - it's mainly a disorder that springs from a frantic fear of abandonment.

And although you don't state it I am sure that the pain of her frequent change of partners took a large toll on a young girl who was being taught to think and feel just like Mum did.

I am truly sorry that you didn't have the stable home life and proper emotional teaching/development that you were entitled to.

I thought some of the communication strategies in the book might help me communicate better with her. However, as I read I'm seeing many examples of relatives trying and failing to validate (which is basically what I feel like I've been doing my entire life). It all just feels sort of... .exhausting. Also, and I hate to say this, but there's a big part of me that feels like I'm the one who puts all the effort into our relationship and I get very little out of it.

Amen - I totally get this! You feel as though you have put in all these efforts all these years and now you're STILL the one trying to fix it - and with someone who doesn't often seem to take on their share of the responsibility!

I think it's great that you have taken steps to protect yourself, create boundaries and also protect your child.

As long as she is drinking these steps are necessary anyway - regardless of whether she has BPD.

As far as learning communication tools, if you are not keen on validation (which i confess I was not either) you may wish to consider other tools which are more about looking after yourself in your exchanges with her as well as getting a better understanding on how her behaviours may be affecting you.

Here are a couple of links you may like to review:

This one is about learning how to get out of the FOG

https://bpdfamily.com/content/emotional-blackmail-fear-obligation-and-guilt-fog

And although it may seem unrelated my instincts tell me you might benefit from understanding the styles of mothering a BPD affected person can have and the effects of those styles on her children

BPD BEHAVIORS: Waif, Hermit, Queen, and Witch

Do let us know what you think.

I'm also wondering if you know what you would like to achieve with your mother? or what you want to get out of your communication with her?

Ziggiddy

[GeekyGirl]

Hi TacoMama and welcome! 

Finding out about BPD can be very eye-opening! It sounds like you've learned a lot over the last few days, and I think you'll gain an even better understanding of your mother's behavior here. There are many of us with BPD mothers, and we can relate to what you've been through.

I agree with Ziggiddy that you've done a good thing for yourself and your son by setting some boundaries with your mother. That's a very healthy thing to do. It's also good that you have a supportive and understanding partner.

It all just feels sort of... .exhausting. Also, and I hate to say this, but there's a big part of me that feels like I'm the one who puts all the effort into our relationship and I get very little out of it.

Seems like it would be a lot easier if she'd just acknowledge she has a problem, but as far as she's concerned everyone else in the world is persecuting her.

I've felt the exact same way. There's a concept called Radical Acceptance (Radical Acceptance for family members) that has helped me. As much as I'd like for things to be different, it's really up to me to accept things as they are and manage my own behavior accordingly.

How are you doing, now that you've had some time to absorb what's been going on with your mother? What, if anything, will change now that you've learned about BPD?

Please jump into the conversations here! There's a whole community here to support you.

-GG