Progress: Spending new years eve with friends and ex

[Beware of Junk Psychology...]

So you guys and galls might remember this topic:

https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=239400.0

I've been seperated from my ExuBPDgf for a month now after four years being on and off and the last year living together. Its been hard, I'm going through all the motions of blaming myself, then her, then me again, being depressed and what not. A few weeks NC.

One of the problems was that she was hanging out with my friend group. The same group she used to hate on when we were still together. As I wanted to avoid all contact with her, this left me kind of isolated. A friend of mine is giving a party tonight to celebrate New Years Eve, and of course she will be there too. I was getting ready to spending a night alone or with my parents, feeling quite miserable.

I was so depressed about it this morning. Felt like I couldn't breathe. But this afternoon I thought, screw it, am I going to let her spoil my fun? So I messaged my friend and Im still very welcome. So Im going to the party!

Now, as there's going to be 10 people or so, I want to avoid akward situations as much as possible. So I thought it was time to contact her. This is a transcript of the talk, translated to English:

--------------------------

Me: I just want to say I will be there tonight as well, and it seems fair that we can just be in the same room without trouble. Let's not spoil the fun for anyone else and just have a great evening!

Her: Don't you think that's weird?

Me: Why is it weird to spend New Years Eve with my friends?

Her: I thought you wouldn't show up.

Me: I also got an invitation and I told my friend previously that I didn't know yet if I would come.

Her: OK whatever

Me: I'm just trying to make sure its not that akward. Its been a long while and we should be able to act normal to each other.

Her: Weird. OK.

------------------------------

So, that's that. It will probably still be akward. And I will have to keep myself together, there's no knowing what it will do to me. Seeing her the entire night, maybe she even has a replacement already, I don't know!

But truth to be hold, I'm proud of myself that Im going and I hope that I can cope tonight. And I do think she is a bit irritated by this. I think she would love it if I'd just drop my life and sit in a corner for the rest of my life.

[CloseToFreedom]

So you guys and galls might remember this topic:

https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=239400.0

I've been seperated from my ExuBPDgf for a month now after four years being on and off and the last year living together. Its been hard, I'm going through all the motions of blaming myself, then her, then me again, being depressed and what not. A few weeks NC.

One of the problems was that she was hanging out with my friend group. The same group she used to hate on when we were still together. As I wanted to avoid all contact with her, this left me kind of isolated. A friend of mine is giving a party tonight to celebrate New Years Eve, and of course she will be there too. I was getting ready to spending a night alone or with my parents, feeling quite miserable.

I was so depressed about it this morning. Felt like I couldn't breathe. But this afternoon I thought, screw it, am I going to let her spoil my fun? So I messaged my friend and Im still very welcome. So Im going to the party!

Now, as there's going to be 10 people or so, I want to avoid akward situations as much as possible. So I thought it was time to contact her. This is a transcript of the talk, translated to English:

--------------------------

Me: I just want to say I will be there tonight as well, and it seems fair that we can just be in the same room without trouble. Let's not spoil the fun for anyone else and just have a great evening!

Her: Don't you think that's weird?

Me: Why is it weird to spend New Years Eve with my friends?

Her: I thought you wouldn't show up.

Me: I also got an invitation and I told my friend previously that I didn't know yet if I would come.

Her: OK whatever

Me: I'm just trying to make sure its not that akward. Its been a long while and we should be able to act normal to each other.

Her: Weird. OK.

------------------------------

So, that's that. It will probably still be akward. And I will have to keep myself together, there's no knowing what it will do to me. Seeing her the entire night, maybe she even has a replacement already, I don't know!

But truth to be hold, I'm proud of myself that Im going and I hope that I can cope tonight. And I do think she is a bit irritated by this. I think she would love it if I'd just drop my life and sit in a corner for the rest of my life.

[blackrazor]

Can't let her walk all over your life, they're YOUR friends, you can't let her isolate and control you. If she wants to be friends with them, so be it, but got to stand up for yourself so good job in going. Just act like nothing is wrong is my advice.

[CloseToFreedom]

Can't let her walk all over your life, they're YOUR friends, you can't let her isolate and control you. If she wants to be friends with them, so be it, but got to stand up for yourself so good job in going. Just act like nothing is wrong is my advice.

Oh I will, I am a great actor in these sorts of situations.

I'm more worried what it will do internally. I mean, I know I still have feelings for her so seeing her the entire night isn't going to be easy. But I have to try. And I have to try to keep the bad things from our relationship (and there were plenty) in the back of my head.

[blackrazor]

Oh I will, I am a great actor in these sorts of situations.

I'm more worried what it will do internally. I mean, I know I still have feelings for her so seeing her the entire night isn't going to be easy. But I have to try. And I have to try to keep the bad things from our relationship (and there were plenty) in the back of my head.

Yeah I guess it won't be easy but sounds a bit like that's why she's trying to be friends with them, to isolate you. So if you don't go its playing into her hands. You can sort of tell, she's putting the fault on you saying it is weird for you to hang out with your friends?  That doesn't make any sense, they're your friends!

[cehlers55]

I'm in kind of a similar situation as you.

We have mutual friends though. In your case she was hating on 'your' friends.

I would sit your friends down 1 on 1 and talk to them and tell them all the nasty stuff she's said about them. Don't let her spin the false tales against you.

Once you tell your friends all the stuff she's said, they'll know who they want to be friends with from now on. YOU!

If you're hesitant to tell them about the "real" her, it's because you still have feelings. I cut the cord 6 weeks ago. It was the hardest thing i've ever done. But I did it and I'm sticking to it. I'm slowly talking to all my friends about what the truth about her was. and i know i'll have their support. The truth always prevails if you have the courage to tell it.

[CloseToFreedom]

I'm in kind of a similar situation as you.

We have mutual friends though. In your case she was hating on 'your' friends.

I would sit your friends down 1 on 1 and talk to them and tell them all the nasty stuff she's said about them. Don't let her spin the false tales against you.

Once you tell your friends all the stuff she's said, they'll know who they want to be friends with from now on. YOU!

If you're hesitant to tell them about the "real" her, it's because you still have feelings. I cut the cord 6 weeks ago. It was the hardest thing i've ever done. But I did it and I'm sticking to it. I'm slowly talking to all my friends about what the truth about her was. and i know i'll have their support. The truth always prevails if you have the courage to tell it.

I don't want to do that because it makes me the hater. No one likes a hater. The best remedy is to go on with life.

[Trog]

I can't imagine ever wanting to share a room with her again even if all my friends were there! Personally I'd find another group of friends to have NYE with, the night is what you make it, even if you are with your parents, you created the evening. In any case, good luck for tonight, her messages to you were very entitled and rude, Try to steer well clear of her or she will ruin your night,

[CloseToFreedom]

So, where to begin? The night had some highs and lows alright.

I got there before her and things were fine, she came around an hour later. I just acted normal and made some small talk every now and then. A few things I noticed. For instance, she never looked at me. If I talked to her, maybe I'd get one quick look, but other than that never looked at me. This is so strange. This is a room with 8 people and she manages to never look. That must be intentional. She was also very busy with her mobile phone. She seemed to live up mostly when she could make pictures of herself or her with friends, and constantly checking replies on facebook. I mean, I guess this was going on when we were together as well, but not to such a degree. I also managed to overhear she was talking to some guys, and probably dating. Well, that was expected, not really a big shock.

One thing I also noticed is that the way I saw her, doesn't match up to how she really looks, I mean purely appearance speaking. I have to say, I mean I don't judge and all the while I still think she's beautiful, but she was... .well, fatter than I remembered. Not like she looks in her pictures of course. A double chin, and the dress she wore made her look fatter. She also had pink lipstick, fake nails and fake hair in her hair. You know, these changes were all happening in the relationship, but I don't know why. She used to be so proud that she was 100 percent real, no nonsense like the things I mentioned. Somewhere during our time that philosophy apparently went out of the window. All in all, during the night I guess I noticed she just wasn't a very fun person to be around with. Maybe thats just my hate talking, but she had nothing interesting to say the entire night. But it is clear she is taking over a good chunck of my friend group. Oh well, that is permitted of course, I'll just keep hanging out with my friends as well.

So, I made a big mistake around midnight. I casually told her I love her. I don't know why, I just had to say it. She quickly said: I don't love you. And that was that. Okay. After midnight, I saw her crying with a girlfriend. Then the entire group went to town to go to the pub and I almost went home, but I thought: no, you have to go through with it now. You have to go all the way. So I went with them, and I actually had a pretty okay time. While I often saw her standing bored with a few friends of sometimes even alone, I was having lots of people to talk with. I even talked with this lovely girl for over an hour. She actually remarked that my ex was looking the entire time. Of course, I shouldn't care about that but I'd be lying if I would say I didn't find that funny.

So yeah, okay night with some ups and downs. I'm definitely still painted black though, and perhaps that will stay forever like that. Maybe that's for the best. At least I overcame some of my fears, and it seems I am (very) slowly starting to realise I shouldn't place her on a pedestrial that much. She is not special, but actually kind of boring, and not that pretty. I need to keep that in mind and hopefully this will finally mean the end of my obsession.