2015 - Time for some decisions

[jedimaster]

I've been posting on the Staying board and I'm going to continue to hang out over there, but I think it's time to make some plans for a final decision as to whether this marriage will continue.  My uBPDw is pretty regulated at the moment and the holidays went OK, but she continues to cling to her version of reality and particularly her version of me.  I am detached to the point where it doesn't arouse me emotionally, but every time she says something it makes me wonder whether I am prepared to live the rest of my life trying to function in the real world while dealing with hers.

She recently had foot surgery and yesterday was her first day off of crutches.  This makes major surgery on both feet since July and of course they both still have some pain and discomfort.  The doctor told her to expect some of that for up to a year.  But this morning she begins telling me that the pain is my fault, because I am pushing her to do too much around the house too soon.  (Around Thanksgiving I set a boundary and am no longer allowing her to subject me to her never-ending to-do lists, which are nothing more than list of things for her to criticize.)  She said she "would not go through that again with this foot and if I didn't like it I could just walk."  And further informed me that I would not be pushing her out of the house.

What she does not know is I have been doing my research and yes, if it comes to a divorce we will both be leaving this house, as I will insist on my fair share of our joint assets and she has nowhere near enough resources to buy me out and keep the house.  So it will go if I do.

I have an aunt and uncle who have a very similar r/s to ours.  They are in their 70's and she drags him constantly from one useless project to the next.  She is never satisfied and he is frustrated and miserable.  I have come to the conclusion that I will not end up like that.  If I can't set some boundaries and carve out a life for myself with her, then I will have to do it without her.  

I have been reading Randi Kreger's "Splitting" book and realize it may take most of the coming year to prepare for this, if it comes.  So during this time I will be reading and posting here as well as the Staying board to help get a better perspective on what is to become of our r/s.  Hopefully it will help me find some clarity in my decision.

[sweetheart]

Hello Jedi,

Like you I shall be moving between both boards this 2015. The full extent of my husbands mental illness gave me stark wake up call over the Christmas holidays and promptly shook off any FOG that I might have still been living in.

I can't just leave and have no intention of doing so - my plan was always to leave in August 2015 if I had to because financially this makes the most sense for me. This still stands.

I have been undecided before, but this time I am a different person. It helps to explore how things might look if you take a step toward leaving. 

[jedimaster]

Sounds like we will be moving through this process at about the same time.  Our house is about to undergo some more construction and won't be finished before probably March or April at the earliest.  That work needs to be completed if there is any hope of selling it.  I figure that gives me some time to see if there's any hope and to keep preparing for the worst. 

If you haven't read the book "Splitting" I highly recommend it.  It is very much a nuts-and-bolts manual for getting through a divorce with a pwBPD.  It also deals quite a bit with NPD and the more I read the more I am convinced my wife has both, possibly in equal measure. 

I sat down a while back and started gathering information and running through some possible scenarios.  It will be difficult but I have concluded it is doable financially provided I take a few months to prepare.  I have family members who are also aware of the situation and have agreed to help out if needed.  I have possibilities for temporary and permanent housing if needed.

Good luck with your situation--I expect to be posting here pretty regularly unless a miracle happens.

[Lucky Jim]

Hey jedimaster and sweetheart, I've been in your shoes and understand that change is difficult, particularly in a r/s with a pwBPD.  FOG can be a factor, as can low self-esteem after years of conflict and criticism.  I have a few questions for you both: to what extent have you sacrificed your authentic self to keep the peace in your r/s?  Have you become isolated from family and friends?  Have you given up the things you enjoy to keep your SO happy?  These are tough questions, I know.

LuckyJim

[jedimaster]

Hey jedimaster and sweetheart, I've been in your shoes and understand that change is difficult, particularly in a r/s with a pwBPD.  FOG can be a factor, as can low self-esteem after years of conflict and criticism.  I have a few questions for you both: to what extent have you sacrificed your authentic self to keep the peace in your r/s?  Have you become isolated from family and friends?  Have you given up the things you enjoy to keep your SO happy?  These are tough questions, I know.

LuckyJim

I have sacrificed a lot of "me" to please or pacify her.  Until recently reading was my only hobby, because it didn't take up time or cost money like others I have given up.  In 2012 I moved from a position with a university to take a position with a business owned by my sister.  The company has won numerous industry awards and is growing like crazy.  Yet my wife has never ceased to criticize the job, the company, my sister, and me for daring to take the job without her blessing, even though I got a 15K raise to move.  For a while I was on a good track to move up, until she had a huge dysregulation because I had a meeting on the same day she "needed" me to stay home and look after her mother so she could keep a hair appointment.  I ended up asking my sister to allow me to work from home (Even though I try to never impose on our sibling relationship for special treatment at work).  She allowed me to but told me that as long as I couldn't spend time at the office, she wouldn't have any management positions beyond what I already do.  So I have put my career in an indefinite hold so that I can be here at my wife's pleasure.

She became obsessed with turning our property into a micro-farm and began buying animals and then telling me we "had to have a fence by Monday" because she had livestock being delivered.  This happened several times.  After about two years I ended up being the one buying all the feed, doing all the chores, and caring for all the animals.  I finally told her Thanksgiving Day that I had enough and if she wasn't going to be a partner in the farm I was putting all the animals on Craigslist.  I am almost finished selling them off and am finally getting a few moments of peace.

I am in the process of reconnecting with my family, friends, church, and activities that I like.  I have started increasing my exercise/workout times, started meditating.  I am attending a wonderful support group and making friends there.  I have also put her on an allowance for groceries and household expenses and she is responsible for anything extra, as opposed to helping herself to the joint account and expecting me to pay the bills with anything left.  I have a small savings account for the first time in years.

I have come to realize that in order to keep moving forward on this path and not going back, I may have to continue on alone.  I am working on the financial, legal, logistical, and emotional preparations that will be necessary, in the hopes that I might not have to use them.  At the moment I cannot tell what the future may hold.  I'd estimate the odds right now at no more than 50/50, but we'll see.

[Lucky Jim]

Hey jedimaster, It sounds like you are taking some affirmative steps to take back your life, which I view as a positive thing.  No doubt one can get thrown off course in a BPD r/s, yet you seem to be to be re-finding your path again.  Don't worry too much about "what the future may hold"; instead, I suggest you focus on your personal journey towards authenticity.  If you live life on your own terms, instead of attempting to do what you think your BPD SO wants you to do or what you think will placate or please your pwBPD, I suggest that you will find yourself better off.  Hang in there, LuckyJim

[jedimaster]

Hey jedimaster, It sounds like you are taking some affirmative steps to take back your life, which I view as a positive thing.  No doubt one can get thrown off course in a BPD r/s, yet you seem to be to be re-finding your path again.  Don't worry too much about "what the future may hold"; instead, I suggest you focus on your personal journey towards authenticity.  If you live life on your own terms, instead of attempting to do what you think your BPD SO wants you to do or what you think will placate or please your pwBPD, I suggest that you will find yourself better off.  Hang in there, LuckyJim

Thanks so much for the encouragement, Jim.  I have only in the past few months begun to really understand that I genuinely cannot please her. I used to think so in terms of "there's no pleasing that woman," but now I realize that is literally true, and it's not her just deliberately being hard to please.  I can't please her, and I have spent over 30 years and given up almost all of me trying.  Really grasping that was like having a ten-ton weight lifted from my shoulders.  I'm determined not to waste another day, but at the same time I'm not ready to turn things upside down overnight.  I'm trying to proceed steadily but allow time to see if my w can deal with the "new me" and if we can salvage this r/s.  Unfortunately it's really about 50/50 right now, and I'm not sure it's that good. 

The tools I've learned to use on this site have helped turn down the intensity and avoid several rages, but when things are calm it gives me time to reflect.  I'm just not sure I'm willing to settle for a r/s that only appears to work because I've learned to manage a partner with a dysfunctional personality. 

[Lucky Jim]

I'm just not sure I'm willing to settle for a r/s that only appears to work because I've learned to manage a partner with a dysfunctional personality.

Hey jedimaster, That sums it up in a nutshell and only you can answer that question.  Trying to please a pwBPD, I agree, is a thankless task for which there is no definite end point.  It can be exhausting.  Try to carve out time for yourself in order to recharge and replenish; I neglected this step and found myself with nothing left in the tank.  Hang in there, LuckyJim

[jedimaster]

I'm just not sure I'm willing to settle for a r/s that only appears to work because I've learned to manage a partner with a dysfunctional personality.

That question has been hanging in my mind ever since I posted it last night.  I think it may be what ultimately determines to me whether I stick with this r/s or not.

If I have to do all the work; i.e., use special "tools" to avoid causing dysregulations/uproars; take care to validate her feelings above discussing issues or conveying information; radically accept that we operate in two different versions of reality and no matter how incomprehensible and irrational hers is, there is little or nothing I can do to get her to see another view; allow myself, friends, family, and strangers to be arbitrarily judged as all good or all bad with no consideration for the nuances of being a person, and all of the other things that go along with living with a pwBPD, then where is the relationship? 

I'm trying to get my head around whether this constitutes having a r/s, or does it amount to damage control? 

Today she has had a "good" day and she is sitting quietly reading across the room from me.  Yet that is due in great measure to the fact that I am learning to use these above listed tools and don't dare allow my guard to drop, I deliberately avoid trigger topics, and have developed a Zen-like detachment mode that I can engage when she decides to turn a normal conversation into an all-out attack.  I'm asking myself, even if I become more successful doing this, what kind of life is that?  Having a hard time answering that question.

I am 53 years old, have no physical issues, no heart trouble, weight is normal, I work out and run several days a week.   My paternal grandfather died from liver disease at age 70, but my maternal grandfather lived to be 96.  So depending on how the genes go, if I don't get hit by a bus, I could either have a couple of decades or so left like one grandparent, or over 40 like the other, or something in between.  I'm not sure which possible scenario bothers me more:  the thought that I might have relatively few good years left and spending them in the constant state of crisis management, or having to keep it up for 3 or 4 more decades.

[Grey Kitty]

  Hi from one of your staying board buddies  

I'm still committed to making things work... .but don't know if I can without really losing myself or getting hurt too much. My wife is higher functioning; the "good" times are much better than what you describe.

The tools I've learned to use on this site have helped turn down the intensity and avoid several rages, but when things are calm it gives me time to reflect.  I'm just not sure I'm willing to settle for a r/s that only appears to work because I've learned to manage a partner with a dysfunctional personality.  

I'm perhaps too dedicated to trying to save a marriage... .I'd suggest you give her two more chances:

1. Give her some time to adjust to the new you, and see what changes come about in her. Probably when your house remodel is done, you'll see what she's done (if anything).

One of my favorite sayings around here is "Nothing changes without changes." You ARE making changes.

2. At that point, what about asking her to change in order for you to stay?

(Of course this is risky... .and your preparations for legal action may be needed immediately)

[jedimaster]

Hi there yourself, GK    BTW I had you in mind when I found the Jedi Cat avatar 

My plan as of right now is to give her some time and see how things play out.  We have gotten through the holidays more or less unscathed, and several of the things she has been stressed about or complained about are in transition:

-- She is off crutches now.  She has one more followup visit to the orthopedist but she is mobile, if still quite sore.

-- She got a part-time job, as a custodian at a gym.  The job comes with a free membership and flexible hours.  She has always been more stable when she was working and had an income of her own and some sense of independence.  After her episode where she sold/threw out 30 years' of art supplies, her new goal was to get a job.

-- The builder started on the house this morning.  As of now we have floor joists over a foundation that has sat for almost 3 years waiting on life to settle down.  We have actually had a couple of almost-normal conversations about some of the house details.

-- I still have a few animals left but the farm is almost out of business.  It only takes a few minutes a day to look after things, as opposed to hours before.

-- She is easing back on to her meds and so far, so good.  She acknowledges that she should be on them, which from her is as close as you'll get to acknowledging she should never have stopped.

So, my plan right now is to take some time and see how all this plays out.  If the huge house she's always asked for gets completed, and her job turns out to be pretty good, and she gets mobile again and can run and work out like before, and there's no farm to argue about, and her meds are under control... .then what?  What will she be like when all of the things she's griped and complained about for the last several years are resolved?

And how will that person get along with the person I've become?

That's what I want to find out.

If getting past some of these long-standing obstacles really does seem to help her attitude, and if she can be comfortable being married to someone who has a mind of his own (at last), then maybe we can work out some kind of relationship.

If not then I'm going to have to take a hard look at what I'm willing to live with for the rest of my life.

One of the first books I read was "Stop Caretaking... ." and it had a world of helpful information.  However, now that I am better at taking care of myself, I'm wondering if one really stops caretaking just because we exchange a set of responses that encourage negative behavior for another set that hopefully minimize or avoid bad behavior.

Are we just trading one type of caretaking for another?

If we resolve some of our longstanding external issues and yet I still find that the only way to have a stable home is for me to weigh and manage my comments, reactions, responses, etc., and use some very specific tools whenever I need to communicate or some joint decision is called for, then it seems to me like I still bear the responsibility for both sides of the r/s.  I can do things like stay in T, get a hobby, pray, meditate, etc, as ways of taking care of myself, but at some level I feel like those are palliative care; they're not just for me because I like them or derive benefit, but because they're therapeutic; I need them because I have this other person for whom I have to function as their emotional regulator and the stress of that takes a huge toll. 

In a sense it's like being married to a paraplegic or someone with a debilitating illness, except with a spouse who is physically incapacitated they aren't trying to beat you up or scream insults at you because you're giving them a sponge bath.

I'm hoping that as we get though this transitional period, which may take most of this year, that I can get an idea of what a "baseline" r/s might look like, and decide whether that type of r/s is one I can live with from now on.  A lot will depend on how much of the work I have to do to keep it together.  If I'm doing all the emotional work of keeping this marriage going, then I'm not sure I want to continue.  It doesn't take both of us for me to be married to myself.

[RR4U]

So glad i signed on and read this. 2015 thinking may be my year too. Im sick of the argueing and walking on egg shells. They forget we are human and have feelings that dont go away because they said sorry. 2015 should be pur year to be free from the abuse

[Grey Kitty]

Hi there yourself, GK    BTW I had you in mind when I found the Jedi Cat avatar 

 Aww shucks. Thanks!

I'm hoping that as we get though this transitional period, which may take most of this year, that I can get an idea of what a "baseline" r/s might look like, and decide whether that type of r/s is one I can live with from now on.  A lot will depend on how much of the work I have to do to keep it together.  If I'm doing all the emotional work of keeping this marriage going, then I'm not sure I want to continue.

I look at it a little differently... .My take is that I need to take the emotional lead role, if I want to go in the right direction in my marriage. Not that I need to do ALL the work.

In addition, effort may be shared 50/50 while results are generated 90/10. For her, finding a way to cope with ANYTHING other than being verbally abusive to you is probably a huge effort still. You both may be working just as hard when you are being validating, and she's staying civil... .and the good results appear to be coming just from your side of it.

It is a subtle difference... .and still unbalanced. Without progress on her side it would be hard to stick around for it.

[jedimaster]

I look at it a little differently... .My take is that I need to take the emotional lead role, if I want to go in the right direction in my marriage. Not that I need to do ALL the work.

In addition, effort may be shared 50/50 while results are generated 90/10. For her, finding a way to cope with ANYTHING other than being verbally abusive to you is probably a huge effort still. You both may be working just as hard when you are being validating, and she's staying civil... .and the good results appear to be coming just from your side of it.

It is a subtle difference... .and still unbalanced. Without progress on her side it would be hard to stick around for it.

If we can get to that point then I can consider staying.  Right now I feel like I'm the one making the effort.  I feel like I'm still catering to her, only now I'm using techniques that work better.  Maybe I can come to terms with that and maybe not.  That's what I'm trying to decide.  In any case I'm not in any hurry.  If it comes to leaving I want to feel like I really did all I could within reason.  I keep looking at my aunt and uncle who have a very dysfunctional r/s that has a lot of the same dynamics as ours.  You can almost see the ring in his nose as she leads him around and complains constantly.  I'm not willing to do that simply to say "We kept our marriage together."  I know a marriage involves give and take and I'm certainly not demanding my way or the highway.  But there has to be some middle ground somewhere that we both can live with, and if not I'm willing to find my own way.

[4kidz]

Jedi master- my god what you just described is my life to a tee. I am 51 and battling most if not all the thoughts decisions you brought up. My mind races all day long. The knot in the pit of my stomach never seems to go away. lifes too short to feel this way. Something has to give.  Good luck. Keep posting... .

[jedimaster]

They forget we are human and have feelings that dont go away because they said sorry.

Your SO actually says they are sorry?  Let's talk trade... .   

[Grey Kitty]

Right now I feel like I'm the one making the effort.  I feel like I'm still catering to her, only now I'm using techniques that work better.  Maybe I can come to terms with that and maybe not.

There is a subtle difference from what you describe... .and where you can go. (Just on your own, not demanding any improvement from her!)

Yes, you know techniques that work better for relating to her. Turns out that those same techniques (mostly) work very well with everybody in your life, not just pwBPD. Everybody likes validation. Nobody likes invalidation. S.E.T. works to better present something difficult. Boundary enforcement against abusive or controlling behavior will protect you from anyone... .healthier people won't try to bust your boundaries, so those skills will be ready but frequently unused.

A 'normal' person will like you more and work better with you if you do these things than if you don't.

A pwBPD will blow a gasket when you fail at any of these... .

Consider her harsh reminders as a crash course to prepare you for a more rewarding and conflict-free life

... .That set aside, as you are pretty good with these tools now, re-frame using them as living skillfully rather than catering to her.

... .AND... .if you DO feel like you are catering to her, perhaps you aren't taking good enough care of your own needs yet. Spend some time tracking that one down further.

[KateCat]

Why, you precocious pipsqueak! Moving through this decision-making process at 50 rather than 60. 

I was surprised to find this NYT article that echoes what I hear from so many of my friends. www.nytimes.com/2013/09/22/fashion/weddings/divorce-after-50-grows-more-common.html

This may not be a trend of any sort, but I see people divorcing when their kids are 30 and their parents recently deceased (leaving a little windfall to cushion the divorce blow for both parties). And the family dogs and cats also passed on, of course.

May the Force be with you as you find your way.

[jedimaster]

Right now I feel like I'm the one making the effort.  I feel like I'm still catering to her, only now I'm using techniques that work better.  Maybe I can come to terms with that and maybe not.

There is a subtle difference from what you describe... .and where you can go. (Just on your own, not demanding any improvement from her!)

Yes, you know techniques that work better for relating to her. Turns out that those same techniques (mostly) work very well with everybody in your life, not just pwBPD. Everybody likes validation. Nobody likes invalidation. S.E.T. works to better present something difficult. Boundary enforcement against abusive or controlling behavior will protect you from anyone... .healthier people won't try to bust your boundaries, so those skills will be ready but frequently unused.

A 'normal' person will like you more and work better with you if you do these things than if you don't.

A pwBPD will blow a gasket when you fail at any of these... .

Consider her harsh reminders as a crash course to prepare you for a more rewarding and conflict-free life

... .That set aside, as you are pretty good with these tools now, re-frame using them as living skillfully rather than catering to her.

... .AND... .if you DO feel like you are catering to her, perhaps you aren't taking good enough care of your own needs yet. Spend some time tracking that one down further.

Good points about the communication skills, and I do feel they can be helpful in many kinds of situations.  I'm kind of laying out my thought process now as a way of outlining what I have to consider over the next several months.  I feel I've just started to get a handle on taking care of myself and of finding better ways to relate to her.  At the present it feels like I'm still caretaking, just using more effective tools.  If things progress positively, I would hope to feel like this becomes more second nature and I can focus on both myself and my wife simply as "us," rather than having to be so conscious of "doing things correctly." 

I guess I'm posting these thoughts as a way of kind of gelling the underlying feelings and getting them into words, making them coherent so I can pinpoint what I'm uneasy about.  I do appreciate the feedback as it helps me to look at things from another point of view.  One of the things I want to evaluate as I go through this is how confident am I that this is what really bothers me.  I don't want to be guilty of the stereotypical midlife crisis, thinking the grass is greener just over the fence. 

I'm certainly not about to make any hasty decisions.  Our current life circumstances won't allow it anyway, and fortunately that forces me to take my time, look at all sides, and also see if applying these tools and taking care of myself really to improve our r/s, or simply keep the chaos down. 

[jedimaster]

OK, so while I was typing the previous post (across the room, screen out of view), she begins to ask some questions about the house construction, and then proceeds to tell me what else needs to be done by me, not the builder, and I need to get started right away, because it all needs to be done by April because then I have to start cleaning up the yard, and bulldozing the trees out back so that I can get ready to mow all summer!     

Oh, and did I mention pave the driveway? 

And clean out our freestanding carport so it can be closed in because I need a place to work 

And this is all my responsibility because she "can't" do that kind of stuff.

She says, "I know you're going to get angry, but you need to hear this."  Anger was not a problem.  Keeping a straight face with the laptop screen lighting me up was a problem.  Tightening my abs to keep from bursting out laughing was a problem.  Looking at her without rolling my eyes was a real problem. 

Nodding some kind of vague affirmation every time she said "Am I making sense?" instead of saying "No, are you nuts?" and JADEing all over the place was a major problem.

Our builder gave me a firm fixed price on finishing the addition, less flooring, doors, and windows.  I have found great deals on those items which will leave us with some funds above that work.  There are several other projects that need to be finished after that, but I'm waiting to see about any other extra costs before moving ahead, and at that point I plan to hire as much of it as I can afford and do the rest myself.  But of course that's entirely too logical and in her mind I should be working 24/7 now, not frittering away my time with silly things like holding down a job, getting some exercise, going to T, etc.

This is the kind of stuff that goes on even when she's in a perfectly pleasant mood.  This is the kind of stuff my 75 year old aunt has done to her husband for the past 55 years of their marriage.  I will not be my uncle.

If she never had another temper tantrum, never made another false accusation, never said another hurtful or unfair comment, I still cannot say with any certainty that I am willing to put up with the world's longest to-do list for the rest of my life.  I don't want to spend the rest of my life fighting to keep her from making that list, and I sure don't want to spend the rest of my life trying to get it all done.

sigh... .

[Grey Kitty]

Oh come ON, jedimaster, don't you see the HUGE progress here?

She's not even talking about any new joint projects! 


Seriously... .I'm assuming you have no plan to knock yourself out to do all these things just because she put them on your todo list.

And seriously... .once you have other things like finishing the house done... .once more in your life and house has stabilized... .you can try a different approach to this kind of thing.

"I'm not angry. I'm also not going to do all these things. I hope you aren't going to get angry either."

Or even not working so hard to keep muscular control and not laugh about it... .?

Remember... .laughing at her isn't JADEing!

[jedimaster]

Oh come ON, jedimaster, don't you see the HUGE progress here?

She's not even talking about any new joint projects! 

Well that's true; there was certainly nothing "JOINT" about any of these projects. 

Besides trying not to react, the thing most going through my mind was, "As soon as she finishes I have got to post this on BPDF!"   

[Infared]

WOW!

Reading this thread has made me feel very grateful.  I live alone. By choice. My pwBPD ran off with replacement a few years back. A year afterward, I dated someone for 9 mths and "got out"... .for good reasons which I won't get into here in depth. One though, was that she was not trustworthy, but I also realized that after what went down with my BPD that I would most likely not trust anyone again. Because that is where I am I decided to stop dating entirely, what is the point if I cannot trust... .That is where I am at... I make no excuses for it... it is what it is... .I have a decent life... .but... .I spent Christmas Day reading my kindle and took a power walk on the boardwalk by the Ocean. These days I have gotten to the point where I am alone... but not lonely.

Today, I did some work things (estimates and stuff), went out at two different points in the day and shot photos (my passion), and I am able to have and maintain gear to do this on a artistic professional level. (Art galleries and print sales).  I had a female friend (no overtones ) drop chilé, cheese and sour cream by (care package), and we chatted as I am helping her with a problem at her house.  I spent the evening with a buddy of mine who had wanted me to meet his ex wife,(who he dates now  ) and his three beautiful, grown children who were in town in one place, for one evening from, Sweden, Nicaragua and L.A. It was a wonderful evening, with a wonderful (late) Christmas dinner and I was quite touched that he included me.

The reason I am typing this is that you are all making me realize what a wonderful life I am having alone. It has its rough spots... .but I could just not go back to that selfish insanity that I called a relationship, that I spent with my BPD (whom I still miss every day at a low level) Ever... .

I am on the other side now... .and life is better... .for me.

[jedimaster]

WOW!

Reading this thread has made me feel very grateful.  I live alone. By choice. My pwBPD ran off with replacement a few years back. A year afterward, I dated someone for 9 mths and "got out"... .for good reasons which I won't get into here in depth. One though, was that she was not trustworthy, but I also realized that after what went down with my BPD that I would most likely not trust anyone again. Because that is where I am I decided to stop dating entirely, what is the point if I cannot trust... .That is where I am at... I make no excuses for it... it is what it is... .I have a decent life... .but... .I spent Christmas Day reading my kindle and took a power walk on the boardwalk by the Ocean. These days I have gotten to the point where I am alone... but not lonely.

Today, I did some work things (estimates and stuff), went out at two different points in the day and shot photos (my passion), and I am able to have and maintain gear to do this on a artistic professional level. (Art galleries and print sales).  I had a female friend (no overtones ) drop chilé, cheese and sour cream by (care package), and we chatted as I am helping her with a problem at her house.  I spent the evening with a buddy of mine who had wanted me to meet his ex wife,(who he dates now  ) and his three beautiful, grown children who were in town in one place, for one evening from, Sweden, Nicaragua and L.A. It was a wonderful evening, with a wonderful (late) Christmas dinner and I was quite touched that he included me.

The reason I am typing this is that you are all making me realize what a wonderful life I am having alone. It has its rough spots... .but I could just not go back to that selfish insanity that I called a relationship, that I spent with my BPD (whom I still miss every day at a low level) Ever... .

I am on the other side now... .and life is better... .for me.

No fair tempting us with tales from the other side 

Congratulations on getting a life.  You sound quite happy.  Whether I choose to stay or go, it's good to hear there is life after BPD.

My version of the "two babes and a red Corvette" change of life would be trading this huge money pit of a house and my worn out old Chrysler van for something like a 200 s.f. "tiny home" and a Smart ForTwo or a Fiat 500 to putter around in.  Get back into the office and advance in my job, put away some savings, spend evenings and weekends doing things and seeing people I enjoy, hanging out with my grown children without drama, making decisions and choices without justifying them like they were a court case, making my own to-do lists and finishing them on my time scale, and falling asleep with the light on each night without complaint.  One would think that's not a lot to ask after 34 years, but apparently on the fantasy scale it's up there with winning the lottery and being the first man on Mars.

Thanks for sharing.  I'm jealous in a good way   

[Infared]

WOW!

Reading this thread has made me feel very grateful.  I live alone. By choice. My pwBPD ran off with replacement a few years back. A year afterward, I dated someone for 9 mths and "got out"... .for good reasons which I won't get into here in depth. One though, was that she was not trustworthy, but I also realized that after what went down with my BPD that I would most likely not trust anyone again. Because that is where I am I decided to stop dating entirely, what is the point if I cannot trust... .That is where I am at... I make no excuses for it... it is what it is... .I have a decent life... .but... .I spent Christmas Day reading my kindle and took a power walk on the boardwalk by the Ocean. These days I have gotten to the point where I am alone... but not lonely.

Today, I did some work things (estimates and stuff), went out at two different points in the day and shot photos (my passion), and I am able to have and maintain gear to do this on a artistic professional level. (Art galleries and print sales).  I had a female friend (no overtones ) drop chilé, cheese and sour cream by (care package), and we chatted as I am helping her with a problem at her house.  I spent the evening with a buddy of mine who had wanted me to meet his ex wife,(who he dates now  ) and his three beautiful, grown children who were in town in one place, for one evening from, Sweden, Nicaragua and L.A. It was a wonderful evening, with a wonderful (late) Christmas dinner and I was quite touched that he included me.

The reason I am typing this is that you are all making me realize what a wonderful life I am having alone. It has its rough spots... .but I could just not go back to that selfish insanity that I called a relationship, that I spent with my BPD (whom I still miss every day at a low level) Ever... .

I am on the other side now... .and life is better... .for me.

No fair tempting us with tales from the other side 

Congratulations on getting a life.  You sound quite happy.  Whether I choose to stay or go, it's good to hear there is life after BPD.

My version of the "two babes and a red Corvette" change of life would be trading this huge money pit of a house and my worn out old Chrysler van for something like a 200 s.f. "tiny home" and a Smart ForTwo or a Fiat 500 to putter around in.  Get back into the office and advance in my job, put away some savings, spend evenings and weekends doing things and seeing people I enjoy, hanging out with my grown children without drama, making decisions and choices without justifying them like they were a court case, making my own to-do lists and finishing them on my time scale, and falling asleep with the light on each night without complaint.  One would think that's not a lot to ask after 34 years, but apparently on the fantasy scale it's up there with winning the lottery and being the first man on Mars.

Thanks for sharing.  I'm jealous in a good way   

Ok... .you got my reason for posting... .To let you know there is life on the other side... .I don't have much... .I live in a little apt. right on the beach and I even have a some money in the bank... .LOL!... .NONE of what I mentioned would be possible if I was still in that relationship... .and since I never filled that part back in... .I miss her... .but I also really dislike her for how she treated my honest, trusting heart... .oh... and... HEY... .I still have that, too!

I know that you will find your way through this... .and my heart goes out to you... .life could be nice... .BPD just do not let it.

[Lucky Jim]

Hello again, Jedimaster,

To be honest, I think your "fantasy" is actually attainable and "not too much to ask for" at all.

Life is short, my friend, as I'm sure you've noticed, and, in my view, none of us has time to waste on an inauthentic life.  Try to pursue an increasingly genuine existence.  It sounds easy, but it's actually hard, in a good way.  Hang in there, LuckyJim

[jedimaster]

Well I've stated on another post that I've made my decision to leave, eventually, barring an unforeseen miracle (and it would have to be unforeseen as I foresee nothing right now).  But as most of this thread is related to the house I may post occasional updates here related to it.

We have a subfloor and one wall of studs up at the moment.  My W comes in this evening and starts grilling me about how the kitchen cabinets will work with the window openings she saw.  We have a totally open floor plan and I have already promised her when we get to that stage we will bring in the cabinets (we are salvaging an entire kitchen from another house) and she can personally place them anywhere she likes.  Nevertheless she is convinced the window must be in the wrong place and starts describing a kitchen layout that is nothing like any other one she has ever talked about. I reminded her that we agreed that she could lay out the kitchen and she immediately said, "Never mind; just do whatever you want."  Just needed something to criticize and some way to try to interfere in the construction process (again).

I just keep reminding myself that finishing the house is the biggest task that must be done before I can contemplate leaving.  So I'm not all that worried about whether I get the details done according to her wish-of-the-moment or not.  We will have a lot of equity in this house when it's finished and unless she wins a lottery, there's no way for her to afford to buy me out.  So I'm not sure how long either of us will have to live in it in its completed state.

[jedimaster]

Haven't updated this thread in a few days but thought tonight was a good time.

We have stud walls, trusses, and most of the plywood on the roof for the addition.  It is ginormous.  1,000 sq.ft, 32x32, one huge open room with a vaulted ceiling.  It has nine windows, glass front and back doors, and double French doors leading to the rest of the house.  The kitchen will be an open plan occupying one corner of this arena.  I'm thinking of renting it out for dinner parties and square dances. 

She drives up this evening, takes one look at this living room/amphitheater, and says, "Wow, the older part is so much bigger than the new part!"   

We live in a rural area in a small, close-knit community of older farmhouses and a few new subdivisions of 1400-1900 s.f. family homes.  There isn't a house for a mile or more in any direction anywhere close to the size of this barn.  It's a monument to her ego.  Yet even looking at it standing in front of her it isn't big enough.  And never will be.  That's why I'm about done with this whole game. 

[Lucky Jim]

Hey jedi, you realize, of course, that once the addition is completed, a new project will appear on your HoneyDo List, because the list is endless, in my view, for a pwBPD.  LuckyJim

[jedimaster]

Hey jedi, you realize, of course, that once the addition is completed, a new project will appear on your HoneyDo List, because the list is endless, in my view, for a pwBPD.  LuckyJim

She's way ahead of you, Jim.  No grass growing under my feet if she has her way.  There are fences to be mended or taken down, bushes to be pruned, yard to be cleaned up, buildings to be cleaned out, etc., etc.  Did I mention that I'm doing my own plumbing/wiring for the addition? (That one is my choice; the rest is on her honey-do list.)

We both work out and try to eat right, etc.  I got some tai chi DVD's for Christmas and have been starting my day with about 30 minutes of tai chi since then.  Last night she informed me that I need to find some other form of exercise for the mornings, as tai chi is too slow and relaxing.  I need something that will energize me so I can get more done during the day. 

This from someone who has done exactly one (as in uno; #1) 20 minute session with me since I got the videos.  So of course she's now a martial arts expert.