Slowly went NC/LC months ago but now demanding an explanation. Help please.

[freedom2lv]

About 6 months ago I slowly and in a boring manner limited contact with my adult u?PD SD, who in addition to my uBPDs has caused enormous pain in my life. 

Decades spent working with a therapist to try to cope with the constant verbal abuse, slander and harassment to do more, more, more on top of dealing with medical problems and eldercare.   I am through. I'm taking my life back    I don't want to lay on my deathbed wondering why I never had a life free of grasping people.  I've become paranoid, isolated and the thought of people getting close to me makes me ill and anxious.  In the past few months without contact, there has been an opportunity for me to wear make-up, sleep better, do relaxation tapes, begin exercising and spend time with some of my very positive friends I haven't seen in awhile.

My husband has had to pick up the slack with his daughter and feels put in the middle.  She is suddenly demanding an explanation for the change.  In the past few months, I've stated my issues verbally and in writing, which she replied by calling me and her father liars and that if I wasn't sick for even 2 hours I should be helping her.   

She lets no one speak.  Her husband as never finished a story.  She will yell and argue until she gets her way and she isn't going to get what she wants.  My husband wants me to "explain it to her" to get him off the hook.  I said no.   The last thing I want to do is add to her misery, but I see nothing but added conflict ahead.  Does anyone with experience have some input.  I'm open.  Did I mention I'm having fantasies about moving to another city and changing my name?  Did I mention that I have 2 BPD/PD relatives.  It used to be three. 

[HappyChappy]

Sorry to hear about your predicament. So you basically set some boundaries NC/LC and now those have relaxed you’re being asked to explain. I sense you realise you don’t have to explain to anyone. The process of a BPD charming you back in, starts with collecting information.

In answer to your question of what to do, unexplained illness tends to be an excuse that my BPD can't get past. Everyone is scared stiff of our two BPD so my brother in law has an unexplained illness that means he gets very bad intestinal issues. So initially they could never stay for a meal, which limited the visits. When we kids left home (and before we knew about BPD) we all left for  different countries. I guess we didn't know what we were running away from, but it worked.

Unfortunately I got a great job opportunity driving distance from my BPDm, and she basically harassed the hell out of me to visit regularly. I’ve now been NC for over a year due to my BPD provoking a really bad episode of my PTSD. My BPD has not weekend her demands, or shown any respect during this time. So our boundary is we will meet when my sister is also there (as she only comes once a year and lives a distance away). I will site my illness as the reason. I appreciate you situation is different, but my BPDm is so pathological, so aggressive that it’s that or nothing. I also stand to lose a great deal of inheritance – but I don’t really care. We have one central rule at play here, the people that get our time must demonstrate respect – or it’s goodbye . And my PD relatives are unable to show respect to anyone. So in short – do what’s best for you. Sounds like you’ve done you bit for the family.  

[freedom2lv]

Thank you HappyChappy for your reply.  Yes, suddenly and obsessively "collecting information".  Thank you.  My warning bells were going off.  The validation is a great relief.

Conveniently, I am ill.  I don't use it as an excuse because I an constantly accused of doing so, .  Your BIL sounds like a very resourceful fellow.  Out of the country sounds lovely.  And I most certainly understand severe pathological, stalking aggression and PTSD.  You sound as though you've gotten to a very wise understanding of where you've been and where you're going.

I started working when I was 14, money, no matter the amount was quicksand. 

[Ziggiddy]

 freedom2lv did something specifically happen that made your husband decide to get you to explain yourself? Like was there a precipitating event that you know of?

It's not unusual for another family member to be sent as an emissary in this kind of situation but that is an interesting turn of phrase  -that you are being asked for a repeat explanation to get your husband 'off the hook'?

If he is feeling like a go between as difficult as that is, isn't that his choice? obviously family loyalties get tested in issues like these but in the end it is his choice how he relates to your daughter just as it is your choice how you relate to her.

I think it so admirable that you exercised your freedom of choice as well as your freedom of how to go about getting it.

I'm inspired as i thought there was only 2 options and your post has reminded me that really, we are free to do whatever we want - REGARDLESS of what they think of us for doing it.

Good for you for sticking to your guns. And for doing some things that YOU enjoyed and found upbuilding. I like the sound of that.



Ziggiddy