my wife has BPD and im scared for myself and worried bout our marriage and son

[hister3379]

need some advice on how to deal with all this im scared . she screams leave me alone and the most horrible stuff , and ive gotten to the point of anger that im becoming physically abusive , help

[RELATIONSHIP PROBLEM SOLVING]

RELATIONSHIP PROBLEM SOLVING This is a high level discussion board for solving ongoing, day-to-day relationship conflicts. Members are welcomed to express frustration but must seek constructive solutions to problems. This is not a place for relationship "stay" or "leave" discussions. Please read the specific guidelines for this group.

[formflier]

need some advice on how to deal with all this im scared . she screams leave me alone and the most horrible stuff , and ive gotten to the point of anger that im becoming physically abusive , help

I'm glad you found us.  It sounds like this was just in time. 

Please... .no matter what is said... .there is no reason to get physical... .you can leave the room... .leave the house... .do whatever is needed to get space... calm down and come back again.

One of the things you will learn about pwBPD (people with BPD) is that once they start saying these horrible things... .reasoning with them... .talking the out of it... .rarely works.  You just need to let it pass... .focus on not making it worse.

Look to the right.  "The lessons".  Also link below.

https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=56206

Please start reading those.  Expect to read them many times.  Come back here and post.

We can help... .many people have showed up here ... .desperate... .and then months later their lives are much better after applying what they learned here. 

That is basically my story... .it can be yours as well.

Do you have a local therapist (on this board most people say "T".  ?

[hister3379]

no she had one but it became about our marriage not what she needed . she just screams at me to go away and leave her be . this is hard for me cuse of some of the things she says and gets mad about . i have tried all i know but thats all communication and she cant do that . it kills me to not be able to help her . she hits and comes from a long history of sexual victimization and personal struggle . its as if one day her emotions just stopped growing up .

   i dont ever want to hurt my wife but she gets abusive and screams and says the craziest ___. she throws her wedding rings at me . its nuts . and shes pregnant . i mean i want my son to have us both in his life , together , not divorced . her family is so manipulative and controlling . im scared of that around my son . im just scared . period .

[formflier]

Have you read the lessons yet?  What did you find in there that connected with what you are experiencing?

this is hard for me cuse of some of the things she says and gets mad about .

Why does this matter?  She is mad... .we say "dysregulated".  You have already acknowledged it is "crazy sh$t"... .so... it really doesn't matter what she says when she is dysregulated.  The point is she is dysregulated and you need to behave in a way that helps her get "un-dysregulated"... .that helps her sooth... .the lets the rage "blow itself out".  Don't get in the way 

Here is the big hint... .when she is mad... .don't listen... go somewhere else.  You are in charge of making sure you don't hear "angry things"... .she obviously can't control it right now.

i have tried all i know but thats all communication and she cant do that .

Please list some things you have tried.  She can communicate... .she is just communicating in a different language.  There is an order to the way she is communicating.   You need to learn that order.  Trying to "force her" to speak your language isn't going to work... at least not right now.

it kills me to not be able to help her .

Focus first on not "hurting" her.  Stop the bleeding.  Read the lessons about that. 

  her family is so manipulative and controlling . 

It's good you know this.  This means it' is not about you.  So ... .don't take it personally!

Hang in there.  Read the lessons!

 

[hister3379]

what is co mobidity and does it matter?

[waverider]

what is co mobidity and does it matter?

Co morbidity means two disorders compounding. Eg anxiety disorder as well as BPD. It is common for issues to come on the back of BPD.

When your wife says to leave her alone... do that.

You can support her, but you can't fix her.

Fix your own life and your own circumstances so that you become stronger. That is the best help you can be. Trying to be reactive to fix or solve her issues will leave you uncertain, and in her eyes weak.

[waverider]

When dysregulated, the words and subject doesn't matter. The emotions do.

Listen to the motions not the words

[Cole]

Key phrase from your earlier post: "She's pregnant."

Hormonal changes can seriously compound BPD. My wife's OB/GYN and psychiatrist both feel her BPD and bipolar were latent until triggered by postpartum hormonal changes.

If she is open to it, ask her to discuss this with her OB/GYN and maybe even have the T and OB/GYN discuss it together.

[rarsweet]

What she is saying to you she is really saying to herself it helps me not engage by really picturing them standing in front of a mirror and raging instead of raging at me its quite a peaceful thing like I am just watching a movie instead of actually an actor in the play