Do they ever realize what they lost

[Before you can make things better, you have to stop making them worse...]

My x used her last bf because he was safe and stable she lost attraction for him after 3 weeks but stayed for three years till she cheated on him with me and left .

The one before cheated on her so she left and couldn't understand why he was so upset when she did as he had cheated . the one before broke up with her and she was devastated but only because she in her words had no one else in her life at the time

She idealised me so much from day one I ignored all these flags , till she dumped me after 6 years he longest and most serious r/s

She said even up till a few weeks before she left me she wished she had never slept with any of them (shame)

[dobie]

My x used her last bf because he was safe and stable she lost attraction for him after 3 weeks but stayed for three years till she cheated on him with me and left .

The one before cheated on her so she left and couldn't understand why he was so upset when she did as he had cheated . the one before broke up with her and she was devastated but only because she in her words had no one else in her life at the time

She idealised me so much from day one I ignored all these flags , till she dumped me after 6 years he longest and most serious r/s

She said even up till a few weeks before she left me she wished she had never slept with any of them (shame)

[jhkbuzz]

Clearly she fluctuates and has no idea what she wants

I think mine was like this.  She really seemed very genuinely interested in me during many days in the final couple months.  But then other days she seemed be be totally indifferent about moving forward.  I think she just can't figure out what she wants -- not consistently at least. 

This, for sure. 

[jhkbuzz]

I don't think they do. Their lives are devoted to bring the victim, everyone else is the problem. Until they get some insight into their condition they just keep the "I'm fine" act going. With my ex, nothing was ever her fault, everyone else was to blame, she was incapable of even considering that her behaviour was the cause of her woes. So why would they have any sense of what they lost when what they lost was just another episode of bad luck in their life. Another person that screwed them over. The few that get some insight and start looking inward instead of laying blame everywhere might see what they lost but for most, no way, nothing is ever their fault.

I agree with this.  My ex at times seemed to show awareness that she was the common factor in her long string of failed relationships.  However, this awareness seemed to be overshadowed by a deeper feeling that "Everyone else has issues.  Everyone else must have Asperger syndrome.  The people I like most always abandon me.  It's a dog-eat-dog world and everyone's out to get me."  Accordingly, i don't think she feels like she lost something good in discarding me, I feel like she thinks "I've escaped my controlling abuser."  To her, anyone who expects 50-50 interactions with her is a controlling abuser.

My exBPDgf actually told me that a common refrain from her therapist during their sessions when they were discussing her previous relationships was, "You're the common denominator."

[downwhim]

My ex had a total disconnect when we broke up. He told me "not to get personal on him." Ok, he had been screwing around for awhile and had time to process the breakup but I am suppose to put 8 years and an engagement behind me in one email?

This illness is also involves narcissistic behavior and lack of empathy. I do not think they realize what they lost at all. Out of site, out of mind. The replacement takes over our role and the cycle continues... .

[Deeno02]

My ex had a total disconnect when we broke up. He told me "not to get personal on him." Ok, he had been screwing around for awhile and had time to process the breakup but I am suppose to put 8 years and an engagement behind me in one email?

This illness is also involves narcissistic behavior and lack of empathy. I do not think they realize what they lost at all. Out of site, out of mind. The replacement takes over our role and the cycle continues... .

Yes. Zero Empathy, zero sympathy. So cold to me when I told her I was glad shes happy. I got back," why did you do that, your being passive agressive. If you have something to say, say it to me not on my Instagram account". Not, thank you, sorry it didnt work out, hope your ok, nothing.

[antelope]

This is my lighthearted and metaphorical attempt to understand and explain an attachment disorder like BPD. Don't take it too seriously and please excuse my bad English - it's not even my second language.

Amongst my friends I'm known for always having a new mobile phone whenever they see me. Some will last for a few days, some for weeks and some for even a few months! Am I gadget crazy? Do I buy them because I want to? No! Because I have to and it's not my fault.

Whenever I get a new one, I tell myself: "this one will be mine forever! It's nice, it's even better than the old one and it does exactly what I *need*!". But then it happens: as with all the previous phones, it either get stolen, it breaks or I lose it.

I really lost count of how many phones I had in the past years. When I think back, I do remember that some of them were really nice and some were really ___ty. But even those bad ones I liked in the beginning until I saw the little flaws. Either way: I lost or broke them.

Mobile phones are just inanimate objects to me but of course I'm sad and annoyed when they are gone. Even worse: I have to go buy a new one because without a phone I'm "not complete". I *need* them. I have no real emotions when I think of my past and current phones - why should I? Still I feel sad when I lose one without having a replacement.

I started to look for replacements even when I *knew* that my current one is the best I could ever have! Why? Because I *know* that I'll lose or breake it anyway. This way my *need* to be available is always satisfied.

I know there is something wrong (with me), because my friends are laughing at me when I tell them that I had to get a new phone *again*. But I don't know *what* is wrong with me. They say I "should take better care" of my current phone but I don't understand what that means. Someone told me I shouldn't leave it on the bar table when I go to the restroom because that's how they got stolen. I don't get it. My phone is mine but as soon as I head to the restroom it is out of my sight and somehow out of my mind. When I come back, it's gone. Another friend of mine suggested that I should "treat it better". Whatever that means... .

The problem is that I can't really get attached to my new phones anymore. Yes, they do what I want and need, but I know they won't last. I don't install all my favorite apps anymore, I don't even change the default settings.

A couple of months ago I had a really nice one. My friends were impressed. What happened? I treated it poorly, cracked the screen when it fell on the floor. Was it my fault? Of course not! The floor was way too hard and the display way too soft.

So I had to buy a new one just a few days after that perfect phone was gone. This time it was a cheap dumb phone, because I was angry and deep down inside I knew that it won't last anyways. I know my friends will laugh at me but I don't care. It's a downgrade for sure but it does most of the things I *need now*.

Sometimes I feel guilt and even shame because I know I should do something different. I didn't invest emotions but I lost a lot of money but that's the way I am I guess. At the end I'm the one with the new toys and my friends envy me, right? They even validate and enable me by giving me their number *again*. But when I lose another phone I think of all the phones I've lost in the past and I get sad until I go to the store... .

This is actually real: I (ldeora) am somewhat of a BPD when it comes to mobile phones. It's a running gag amongst my friends. And that's how I see my exBPDgf: for reasons she can't explain, she loses one friend/SO after another but she can't understand why. Sometimes she thinks back, remembers all the good times she had, feels guilt and shame and gets sad. But people are just replaceable objects, so why care?

great analogy 

[dobie]

My ex had a total disconnect when we broke up. He told me "not to get personal on him." Ok, he had been screwing around for awhile and had time to process the breakup but I am suppose to put 8 years and an engagement behind me in one email?

This illness is also involves narcissistic behavior and lack of empathy. I do not think they realize what they lost at all. Out of site, out of mind. The replacement takes over our role and the cycle continues... .

Yes. Zero Empathy, zero sympathy. So cold to me when I told her I was glad shes happy. I got back," why did you do that, your being passive agressive. If you have something to say, say it to me not on my Instagram account". Not, thank you, sorry it didnt work out, hope your ok, nothing.

God same thing , first few days some empathy but after that it was just all ME and I

6 years/about to marry , buy a house , she trashes my bday not so much as an apology out of sight is out of mind to these people. I got a few "are you OK " and "sorry I upset you" after she talked to me on the phone and heard how distraught I was but that was it few days later its all about her , money , what she needs /wants

[eyvindr]

*shivers!*

Wow, mine said that a lot as well. Swore up and down that he was on the "spectrum" and she had to "teach" him to be in a family. Sheesh

Yeah, sheesh. My ex used to use the exact same words about me ! Many times during our relationship, when she felt that I wasn't pulling my weight as a partner -- in other words, failing to behave according to the scripted expectations she had for attention, primarily in the category of "If you say you love someone, this is how you behave -- everyone agrees!"

When I'd drop some ball or another (didn't txt her enough during the day, wasn't excited enough to hear from her on the phone, wasn't supportive enough of her frustrations with her job/parents/income/daughter/apt/etc.), she would adopt a condescending tone, often accompanied by a chuckle, and say, "Oh, honey. I just need to accept that you really don't understand these things. It's hard, because nobody I've ever been with has had these problems with me -- just you. It's ok though, I just need to lower my expectations and get used to not having things that everyone agrees are very obvious."

In essence, she'd treat me like I was a child who needed to be trained, vs an equal partner in the relationship. And I was supposed to appreciate this. And certainly not get upset by it.

Over time, as I increased my comfort level with enforcing my personal boundaries (tbh, I never felt comfortable doing it, but I learned that I had to and was able to do so with her), I learned to respond to her by directly telling her that her tone made me uncomfortable, and I felt that while she had every right to any expectations she chose to have, I had no intention of adjusting my behavior on that front.

Sadly, the closest we ever came to any resolution always took the form of an unhappy compromise. I'd hold my ground, and she'd eventually give up -- but she'd never accept what I had to say. It was always more like grudging resignation with her. That was her version of resolution. And she'd resent it, and repeat the same righteous and condescending behavior again and again. Yet always wonder why the (same) discussion (argument) always annoyed me. (But she had the 145 IQ, as she regularly pointed out!)

I've always thought my ex was on the high-functioning side -- maybe that's where her legendary IQ came into play. I was always under observation. I was always on a spectrum, too, according to her -- sometimes ADHD, other times bipolar, but mostly autistic and Asperger's. She used to tell me, when I was at the end of my rope with the relationship and suggested that maybe we simply weren't compatible and should accept it and move on, that there was "no such thing as incompatibility when you love some one," that I had "unrealistic expectations" and "expected perfection." She would flat out tell me that I'd never find anyone who would be as good to me as she was (weird thing to say imo to someone who's telling you they pretty much want to leave the r-ship), and that I was the common thread in all of my failed r-ships. Can't argue with that, eh? Yet her two divorces and our unhappy alliance never served as a reference point for any self-reflection on her part.

Trying to reason with them is nothing less that completely exasperating.