i never knew my ex...

[hurting300]

I feel like i never really knew who my ex is... she's a totally different person. As most of you know she just simply disappeared with our baby eight months ago. She left behind things like diaries and old receipts. She told me she has never had a "drink"... her receipts show she loved drinking while she pregnant. Her dairies make her look like pure evil. She projected this helpless innocent little college girl. She is no where close. She has a violent past, full of moving from city to city and changing names. Who was this girl? Did I really never actually know her? This is so disturbing. How many victims are they out there like me?

[Trog]

We don't know them, we project an ideal of what we'd like, they mirror it and for a while, you believe you've met ms perfect. You're right we  don't know them, but on a second point, there is nothing to know, they are missing personality and morality and that's why they take on yours they don't have a solid self image. Then when things go badly in the relationship they can do the exact opposite of who you thought they were because they are shedding their skin, the skin they grew to be with you, creepy innit.

[enlighten me]

This is the snowball effect that pwBPD seem to bring on themselves. Piling more lies on top of the previous ones. Having to keep moving so it doesnt catch up with them.what may have started out as a minor lie/ occcurance over the tears has built up as more and more layers are added.

Its sad that if they could only trust someone and truely open up they would probably find out that the reaction would be more of sympathy than disgust. The thought of anyone thinking bad about them is too much for them to handle. No matter how minor it would seem to us to them it is still huge.

[neverloveagain]

Its all part of the the mind *uck, im the same i met mine as a stranger and she left as a stranger. In fact a stranger all along. Im surprised she left her little 'books' for you to see they tell a rather telling story of there minds and how they work can be scary.

[BorisAcusio]

Its sad that if they could only trust someone and truely open up they would probably find out that the reaction would be more of sympathy than disgust.

It would take a white knight to think they can make difference with sympathy. They do not need enablers but a therapist with years of clinical experience. 

[enlighten me]

Hi boris I agree a therapist is the only real hope. Its sad though that they couldnt open up when young and try and nip it in the bud before it became embedded behaviour.

[hurting300]

It's scary to think I don't know what she is capable of.

[Deeno02]

Never really knew mine either. I mean, i knew the main stuff, all the wrongs and her illustrious VB college career, but really not a whole lot. Weird... .

[hurting300]

Mine lied to me so much about who she was. I know she's not the person She pretends to be.

[hurting300]

Its all part of the the mind *uck, im the same i met mine as a stranger and she left as a stranger. In fact a stranger all along. Im surprised she left her little 'books' for you to see they tell a rather telling story of there minds and how they work can be scary.

she wrote on one page, about how she had a dream one night, the dream was she woke up with blood under her finger nails and heard screaming from the basement when she got down there she realized she cut out a kids tongue and tied him to a chair. No joke. She wrote about all these guy friends and when they would date other girls, she would want to take the girls out! And not take out in a nice way. She wrote about how she dated a college professor. I found appointment cards to a psychotherapist. That's when I got scared.

[hurting300]

Never really knew mine either. I mean, i knew the main stuff, all the wrongs and her illustrious VB college career, but really not a whole lot. Weird... .

weird people for sure

[antelope]

it's so crazy what you realize and find out once the relationship ends... .

aside from the compulsive lying, eating disorder, alcohol abuse, cheating, abortions, bankruptcies, I put some puzzle pieces together and realized:

-my ex has hurt animals/pets, by either 'making them disappear' or poisoning them... .

-has a very big issue with shoplifting

-has probably been paid for sex... .many many many times

[drummerboy]

I don't think any of us ever really knew our ex. But then again, I don't think they have any idea who they are either. Their whole life is built on self deceit, lies and fairytales. They don't have any sense of self, they become whoever they need to be in any given moment. The big question I ask when I think of my ex is "Who were you?"

[Perdita]

The big question I ask when I think of my ex is "Who were you?"

Exactly the question I've been asking myself.  "Who was this person?  Where is that guy I fell in love with?  Was he ever real?  Was any of it real?"

[hurting300]

My ex is NOTHING like what she projected herself to be. I'm good at locating people but she is experienced at disappearing. She's done this many times.

[billypilgrim]

Nope, we didn't know them.  We knew the projection they put off.  And I've started to realize that this doesn't just go for those of us lucky   enough to end up in a r/s with them, it also goes for their friends or anyone else they let into their lives.  For instance, when me and my ex were married, my ex had her bachelorette party in a very random location.  On the itinerary, she did things that she's never done and I remembered asking her, is that something you really want to do?  And she was super into it.  But now I realize that that bachelorette party was exactly like what her maid of honor would have wanted.  The same goes with a couple of her other friends - one of which is into drugs.  When she was planning a trip with this particular friend, all of a sudden she was a druggie expert.  For the first time in the 5 years I had been with her up to that point, she was all of a sudden really into wanting to try drugs.  The list of goes on.  

Looking back, all of the things that I would have guessed she enjoyed doing were all things that I enjoy.  

Nobody knows our ex's because they reflect everyone.  

[hurting300]

My ex made friends with this girl who has a prison past for drugs. After telling my ex that it wasn't a good idea for her or our baby to be around her, she went behind my back and talked trash about me to the girl. She acted just like that girl. My ex had different personalities for everyone she knew. Fake B****.

[Perdita]

My ex made friends with this girl who has a prison past for drugs. After telling my ex that it wasn't a good idea for her or our baby to be around her, she went behind my back and talked trash about me to the girl. She acted just like that girl. My ex had different personalities for everyone she knew. Fake B****.

So true in my case too.  Different personalities for everyone which also describes the low lives in his life.  Fake indeed. Also big friends with several drug addicts, one with a prison record as a result, one a dealer.  Also a sickening admiration for conmen.  Where any normal person would be disgusted with the tactics of conmen, he'd get all starry eyed and excited when hearing these "brilliant" stories.

[Rifka]

Since she lied about basically everything, are you 100 percent sure that the child is really yours! Did you have the baby tested while together? That might have been a lie as well! Just a thought?

[Tim300]

Since she lied about basically everything, are you 100 percent sure that the child is really yours! Did you have the baby tested while together? That might have been a lie as well! Just a thought?

I had mentioned to my ex early on that regardless of who I might end up having a kid with one day, I would get a simple paternity test done just to make sure 100% that I would be raising my own kid.  She was so livid by this.  I guess it shows that I was distrustful, but still, it seems odd that she was so livid.  Probably either she planned on cheating or otherwise felt like this step would somehow give me power in her never-ending power wars.   

[hurting300]

Since she lied about basically everything, are you 100 percent sure that the child is really yours! Did you have the baby tested while together? That might have been a lie as well! Just a thought?

you know I did think of that. She is black, I'm white. The baby is mixed and the time line adds up also. But what is getting to me is she isn't trying to get child support, she probably knows she would lose that battle. Once we can find her to serve her the DNA test will take place. But yes that thought crossed my mind. That would bring much closure if the baby is not mine.

[hurting300]

Since she lied about basically everything, are you 100 percent sure that the child is really yours! Did you have the baby tested while together? That might have been a lie as well! Just a thought?

I had mentioned to my ex early on that regardless of who I might end up having a kid with one day, I would get a simple paternity test done just to make sure 100% that I would be raising my own kid.  She was so livid by this.  I guess it shows that I was distrustful, but still, it seems odd that she was so livid.  Probably either she planned on cheating or otherwise felt like this step would somehow give me power in her never-ending power wars.   

I told mine i wanted a DNA test too. She kept saying oh you don't trust me do you! Well no you lie every breath.

[ADecadeLost]

Some of those revelations are truly terrifying.  I guess it's better to know, but I wonder if I could handle finding a journal of that nature.

Regarding my own experience, I feel I knew my BPD ex wife by the end of our 10 years together.  That said, I feel it had less to do with her being truly open with me and more to do with me taking the time to follow up with the others involved in the stories she told.  Usually, there was at least a bit of overlap between her stories and the recollections of friends and family.  Eventually, over the years a pattern of who she truly was became apparent.  However, even then, it was very simplistic version of "knowing" someone.  No where near as deep as you'd hope for a decade long relationship.

[Tim300]

Since she lied about basically everything, are you 100 percent sure that the child is really yours! Did you have the baby tested while together? That might have been a lie as well! Just a thought?

I had mentioned to my ex early on that regardless of who I might end up having a kid with one day, I would get a simple paternity test done just to make sure 100% that I would be raising my own kid.  She was so livid by this.  I guess it shows that I was distrustful, but still, it seems odd that she was so livid.  Probably either she planned on cheating or otherwise felt like this step would somehow give me power in her never-ending power wars.   

I told mine i wanted a DNA test too. She kept saying oh you don't trust me do you! Well no you lie every breath.

Ha.  Yeah, mine gave me some reasons not to trust her either (lied about how much debt she had).  In any event, I don't think it's unresonable for a guy to take a blanket position that he'll always get a paternity test.  And if she's not cheating (unprotected!) then she really shouldn't get worked up about the paternity test at all -- heck, she should want you to know it's yours 100%.

[Tim300]

No where near as deep as you'd hope for a decade long relationship.

Do they not have deep feelings to share?  Are they trying to hide their deep feelings because you won't like them?  Or are they just afraid of emotional bonding?  Mine seemed reluctant to open up much.   

[hurting300]

Honestly, my ex was never on birth control, at 26 years old she would have already been pregnant I would think. All she wanted from me is a baby. That's it. And yes the diaries are pretty scary. I truly believe she is a killer.

[myself]

1) Do they not have deep feelings to share? 

2) Are they trying to hide their deep feelings because you won't like them? 

3) Or are they just afraid of emotional bonding?

1) Of course. They're human. Very deep feelings. Extra intense wBPD.

2) Yes, hiding them from you, when possible, and from themselves.

3) This may be the greatest fear, and need, that triggers and despairs here.

[TheDude]

I remember mine telling me, "You know me better than anyone else does".

Yet, as of the last time I saw her, I didn't feel as if I knew her at all.

Even so, I believe that her perception of that scared the living daylights out of her.

[hurting300]

I remember mine telling me, "You know me better than anyone else does".

Yet, as of the last time I saw her, I didn't feel as if I knew her at all.

Even so, I believe that her perception of that scared the living daylights out of her.

yeah mine said that too. Then she said on Facebook her ex knew "all of her soul" she mind screwed me.

[drummerboy]

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