Mind-blowing hypocrisy?

[skittles22]

I've been no contact with my ex-BPD for a few months now and I've been looking back every now and then, examining her behaviors. Her actions not matching her words is a big one. Right at the end of it, she stated she wasn't mentally well enough to be in a relationship with anyone (diagnosed BPD) and needed to be independent, seemingly sticking to being single and working on herself. I believed it. We were together for 1 year. 1 month later she finds a new guy and is dating him. I ask her What the heck that was all about and she says "I was lonely". Hahaha... .hah. Once the laughter ends, I feel hurt and stuck on the fact that she's doing completely opposite of what she seemed SO hellbent on doing. She contradicts herself so much... .? She'd laugh her ass off at these role-playing dress-up people nearby where we lived, yet a few months later she's a regular at the events. She'd state how much she hates goth culture, yet would visit goth websites often and dress up as such.

I have plenty of other examples but what part of the disorder causes her to be like that? I just want an explanation as to why they're so hypocritical. That's why I'm posting here. I'm admittedly still trying to detach. It's taking quite some time. The hardest part is knowing that she got with someone else so soon, after everything she said.

[Infern0]

I've heard of many pwBPD using the "I need to work on myself right now,  I'm not fit to be in a relationship" or some varient of.

Mine actually told me that AFTER she had told me she'd replaced me, leaving me scratching my head if she had lied about having a replacement.

It's incredibly cowardly thing to do although the amusing part is that it is actually true,  even though the way they mean it is a lie.

You find it often with pwBPD.  Grains of truth in their lies or else back to front riddles etc.

But yeah they are massive hippocrites and say and do things that are just nonsense.

They aren't "sane" though so what more can you say

[MrConfusedWithItAll]

They lack consistency so whatever is said really only applies at the time it is said.  Also they have issues with executive control - meaning they cannot restrict their impulses when the consequences negatively impact a desired result.  Don't feel bad about her getting someone else so soon.  Actually if she waited one month that is quite extraordinary.  Normally they have the options lined up before separation.  Once you have dated a BPD you can be sure the next non BPD you date will be a massive upgrade.

[Infared]

Take self-centered, take crazi-pants, take liar, take vindictive , take manipulative and put them in a bowl, oh and throw in a little eye of newt. ... mix it all together and there you have my BPD.  Why am I expecting a wedding cake  to come from that is the question that I have to ask myself.

[skittles22]

I've heard of many pwBPD using the "I need to work on myself right now,  I'm not fit to be in a relationship" or some varient of.

Just when I thought I'd heard every similarity I could relate to with other BP relationships... .I read this. It's scary, more than any other disorder I've ever heard of, I've never heard of such verbal similarities between sufferers. It's almost like a mechanical script. The biggest thing is that it's a very relationship-oriented disorder, and every relationship being different, you wouldn't expect such similarities. Maybe it's the way we conduct ourselves in todays relationships... .maybe they're just crazy, but of course we all want to know why and how. I wonder how a BPD individual behaved before modern civilization.

Even though I know she'll never change, and I know she's going to be the same nasty person with every guy in her life, my brain just keeps thinking she's happier than ever now with this new guy. The declarations of love and intense sex all happening right now, it hurts. I just keep trying to remind myself that it won't last and that it isn't real. How her obsessive interest could shift to someone else so quickly, pure crazy. This forum and all the articles online are helping me a great deal when I feel stuck on this. Thank you guys

[Heartbroken Eagle]

Wow, I had the same from my ex too... .'I need some time alone'.

Month later she started the relationship with her current husband.

Mind you, she has changed so much she is just one big contradiction to the woman I dated for 12 years... .

And she gets upset when I tell her I don't believe a word she said to me anymore!

[fred6]

I've heard of many pwBPD using the "I need to work on myself right now,  I'm not fit to be in a relationship" or some varient of.

Yes Sir. The first break up talk she blamed me and my actions for why "it's just not working out". You sit home all the time, we have nothing in common, I want someone who's gonna be there for my kids, etc, etc, etc. All pure non sense.

One week later when I tried to "fix" things we had the 2nd break up talk. Now she says, "I have to work on myself, I can't be in a relationship right now. I don't want to be in a relationship right now. It's not you, it's me". So I asked her why she said it was my fault last week. Her reply, "I made a mistake, I have my own demons to deal with. I think that I hate men". Those aren't the exact words, but you get the picture.

[notdownyet]

Even though I know she'll never change, and I know she's going to be the same nasty person with every guy in her life, my brain just keeps thinking she's happier than ever now with this new guy. The declarations of love and intense sex all happening right now, it hurts. I just keep trying to remind myself that it won't last and that it isn't real. How her obsessive interest could shift to someone else so quickly, pure crazy. This forum and all the articles online are helping me a great deal when I feel stuck on this. Thank you guys

Rest-assured, that unless she's gone through a personality transplant, she'll more than likely go through the same relationship patterns as before.

Of course, the hardest part is letting go - which I appreciate is gut-wrenching at times.

You're in good company on this forum though.

[skittles22]

"I made a mistake, I have my own demons to deal with. I think that I hate men".

My ex stated that she hates men too, yet she can't stop dating and idealizing them! She was also a hefty feminist. Claims she's all for equality but just loves controlling men. I wonder how common is a feminist BP? All her contradictions slowly popping up in my head is helping me detach. Somewhat at least. I think I should write a list of all the things I didn't like about her. There's an awful lot, but my brain seems to want to focus mainly on the good, which there just wasn't much of.

Pretty glad now that I'm free of that anxiety that she might snap at any moment, that she might rage at me for disagreeing with her over the smallest thing or cry because my meals too big or I'm enjoying a glass of whiskey. All her friends would be shocked when she'd rage at me, telling her stop being so bossy and to leave me alone. I'm trying to keep these memories at the forefront of my head, help myself she realize she was absolutely NOT the one. Thank you for your responses. Trying to put work into myself also to see what it is that made me stay with such a brat. That poor new guy is in for a rocky ride.

[hope2727]

Lets not forget the double standards.

Mine would do something mean to me and tell me it was a 'normal' part of a relationship. I am sorry to say I would stoop to his level. I'd just bide my time and when the situation arose I would do the same ting to him and he would proceed to FREAK out about how I had hurt him.

IE: I wan't allowed to attend some functions with his friends that I really wanted to. He would specifically exclude me in very hurtful ways.

I went to have dinner with some friend (who he has said he doesn't like) and told him I'd rather he didn't come. He freaked out. HE gets to have dinner with women from work all the time. I go for beer with a friend from university (make) and ex freaks out. He can withdraw and not respond to calls or texts and cancel time together because he is depressed. I am so sad that all i want to do is stay in and watch a sad movie alone and he freaks.

It was exhausting. Anyone else experience this?

[Infared]

Lets not forget the double standards.

Mine would do something mean to me and tell me it was a 'normal' part of a relationship. I am sorry to say I would stoop to his level. I'd just bide my time and when the situation arose I would do the same ting to him and he would proceed to FREAK out about how I had hurt him.

IE: I wan't allowed to attend some functions with his friends that I really wanted to. He would specifically exclude me in very hurtful ways.

I went to have dinner with some friend (who he has said he doesn't like) and told him I'd rather he didn't come. He freaked out. HE gets to have dinner with women from work all the time. I go for beer with a friend from university (make) and ex freaks out. He can withdraw and not respond to calls or texts and cancel time together because he is depressed. I am so sad that all i want to do is stay in and watch a sad movie alone and he freaks.

It was exhausting. Anyone else experience this?

What I came away with is this... .normal people in a committed relationship where there is TRUST can be adults and be with friends alone and be fine with their partner being with friends alone, too.  My take with my ex was... .that if I asked and left her an out if I was going to do things with friends, i.e. I most times left the door open for her to come or not... .but preferred her with me... .I now assess her translation of this to be... ."oh, he doesn't love me... .he is abandoning me... .he is going to cheat on me... ."... .Clinging to her may not have even made her feel safe... .but I didn't know?

... .and nothing is said about her thoughts to me... .and of course she is projecting on me what she does when she is out alone(I had no idea)... for her it's just an opportunity to "hook up"... .because I "abandoned" her... ."I show him". All super, super passive aggressive stuff from a very unhealthy person. ... .since I am honest trusting guy who is secure with himself and my dedication to my mate... .I have no idea what is going on in her mind or her actions until she is on her way out the door permanently, saying that there isn't anyone else    

That is the way a BPD's mind operates... .massive anger and abandonment issues.

I never had a chance.