pwBPD Unable To Let Go: Resentment, Lying, Threats, Grudges...

[unwanted]

Here's the first thread I made over in the "Staying or Leaving" forum. It should give people a little more insight into my situation, but I'll summarize it here anyway.

Summary of original thread: Discovered that my partner with BPD was lying to me for years. She acted like everything was alright, when in actuality she resented me for things that I did years ago. I said some TERRIBLE things as a reaction to her cheating and lying to me originally (2+ years ago), but she's never forgiven me despite claiming that she had. What really caused me to reconsider though was a (private) piece she wrote about me, wherein she detailed how she wanted to physically harm me as revenge for "what I'd done to her" throughout the duration of our relationship.

What I'm doing now: I'm talking to her again, but at a distance. We live apart, and I try to limit my conversations with her. My question is, where do I go from here?

The other night, we had a talk about the things I'd done in the past. I addressed her issues and apologized profusely for the things that I'd said. She claimed that she was feeling much better and that she felt hopeful and happy and wanted to learn to let go. She's going to be seeing a therapist again, as will I.

I don't know if I should trust her not to lie again. She claims that she's afraid of me and my reactions. This hardly seems fair to me, as she did a lot of horrible things in the past that I reacted harshly to. I was upset, and I felt lied to and betrayed. However, I have PTSD and I can admit that I became WAY too verbally abusive and I said a lot of things I'm not proud of. I think that's why I feel obligated to stay and work on things; I'm no longer that person, and I want her to believe that.

However, I'm just afraid that she's saying that she's "no longer afraid of me" due to my reassurance so that she can patch things up and act like nothing's wrong again, all while resenting me behind my back. Is there anything I can tell her or talk about to make her feel better? Do we both need to learn how to trust one another? How do I know if the relationship is irreparably damaged, meaning that she can never feel "safe to tell the truth" around me again?

Thank you all so much!

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[Grey Kitty]

unwanted, welcome here! You will find lots of supportive people who've gone through very similar things to you.

I see a lot of in there  I'm going to pick a few things to address.

I don't know if I should trust her not to lie again.

You cannot have certainty that she won't lie again. I haven't read your back story to see what sort of lies you ran into before.

I can say that many (but not all) "lies" by a pwBPD are following a different mechanism than a 'normal' lie to manipulate somebody you. Instead they are a byproduct of the illness where her feeling RIGHT NOW is the only thing she can experience, (pick one: she loves you, she hates you, she is afraid of you, she is afraid of losing you, etc.), so in her mind, this present feeling is the way everything has always been and the way everything will always be. Consequently, any "facts" which contradict this are re-written.

Something nice you did for her in the past, either didn't happen, or was done for an invented reason to harm her. (If she has painted you black.)

She claims that she's afraid of me and my reactions. This hardly seems fair to me... .[reasons]

Her fear is her feeling. The feeling is real. Whether the feeling is justified or not doesn't matter. The feeling is real. If you try to tell her why the feeling isn't justified, you invalidate her and make things worse.

There is nothing about feelings that are "fair" or "justified". That's not how they work.

Is there anything I can tell her or talk about to make her feel better?

You can be kind and validating, which can influence her feelings. (Read the Lessons in the sidebar ----->> >>

However, nobody can "make" another person feel anything. That's not how feelings work.

she's saying that she's "no longer afraid of me" due to my reassurance so that she can patch things up and act like nothing's wrong again, all while resenting me behind my back

I'm sure her feelings and motivations are kinda confused... .but you have very little influence over them. You will do much better focusing on her behavior than what she might be thinking.

How do I know if the relationship is irreparably damaged, meaning that she can never feel "safe to tell the truth" around me again?

You don't know. I would say that pwBPD are VERY capable of turning their feelings around on a dime... .and then acting like they never had contradictory feelings in the past. It is crazy making. It also means that she is very likely to say she will "Never feel/do X again." and then say she will "Never do the exact opposite again." And bounce back again.

Believe that she feels that way... .at that moment... .don't believe that it is forever, even if she says it is.

Do we both need to learn how to trust one another?

I think so. Focus on being trustworthy. Especially according to your own values, not just in what she asks/demands of you. She isn't likely to be good at asking for what she really wants/needs directly.

[maxen]

hi also unwanted.    you've received a really good answer from Grey Kitty. i hesitate to add to it, because many of the elements you describe are things that i too experienced, so similarly that they're still a trigger for me. so what you certainly will get here is understanding of your experience.

here's a reading that may be of help :The Characteristics of Healthy Relationships

please keep posting unwanted!