Have you become someone different as a result of your BPD partner?

[bobcat2014]

It seems like the person I am is very different than the person I should be... .if that makes any sense.

I didnt see this until recently. I put it off as a mid life thing. Most of the time I spend with my wife, I really am on guard to what I say, who I talk to and what topics are safe to discuss. I cringe when my phone rings and basically shut it off because it is most likely someone she hates. I know anything I say, can and will be used against me.

Does anyone else ever feel this way?

I know this sounds weak and looking for pity. I assure you that is not the case. I just wonder is she got just a little better how much more fulfilling life could be for us and for those I no longer talk to.

[PLEASE - NO RUN MESSAGES]

PLEASE - NO RUN MESSAGES This is a high level discussion board for solving ongoing, day-to-day relationship conflicts. Members may appear frustrated but they are here for constructive solutions to problems. This is not a place for relationship "stay" or "leave" discussions. Please read the specific guidelines for this group.

[Tim300]

Yes.  Without question.  I used to be a very, very happy person.  I turned into an anxious person.  And now that the relationship is over, I tilt towards depressed and distrustful, unfortunately. 

[bobcat2014]

Yes.  Without question.  I used to be a very, very happy person.  I turned into an anxious person.  And now that the relationship is over, I tilt towards depressed and distrustful, unfortunately. 

Tim,

Thanks for sharing.

I also trust very few.

[SlyQQ]

Yes an not for the better though i hold no grudges i have heard what doesn't kill you makes you stronger ( should read break ) but being stronger doesnt make you a better or happier person An I have also heard God does not put on your plate more than you can bear Well if that was the case I often wished God didn't have such a high opinion of me Bottom line it sucks

[bobcat2014]

Yes an not for the better though i hold no grudges

i have heard what doesn't kill you makes you stronger ( should read break )

but being stronger doesnt make you a better or happier person

An I have also heard God does not put on your plate more than you can bear

Well if that was the case I often wished God didn't have such a high opinion of me

Bottom line it sucks

Sly,

I like your reply. One of the side effects of a BPD relationship is the strength it produces for the non.

At work, people can scream, cuss me out, etc. It doesnt ever phase me or get my heart racing anymore.

[Cat Familiar]

I have to really edit my feelings out of the equation often because his take up all the air space. Sometimes I just want to be able to react as I would without thinking I have to skirt land mines.

I'm tired of having to put my emotions aside while he feels free to be moody, a jerk, downcast or snarky. If I do any of those, G-d forbid, he thinks I've got one foot out the door.     

[waverider]

Yes but you are not stuck there.

I too lost a sense of independence, felt like I was not allowed to do this or that. First out of fear then out of adapting. I adapted to become a lesser person.

Thanks to the work I have done here, I have reevolved (if there is such a word), working on me, as is often promoted here, has made me not only a better person, but a happier one, by letting some things slide I have taken rewards in different areas. I can confidently say I am healthier and happier than I have ever been at any point in my life.

Being controlled and conflict has gone out of the BPD relationship. Though the BPD thought process and actions are still there. I am more in control of my life, and my rights than I ever have been in any RS.

Yes I still get frustrated and vent about the "if onlys" at times.

The sun is still out there and shining, we just have an arduous journey to find it.

You can do it too.

[Tim300]

"if onlys"

"If only" the pwBPD was healthy.  I will dream of it from time to time.  But we can all rest assured that this can't be, there was and is nothing we can do about it, it won't be different with anyone else, and thankfully we didn't get ourselves in deeper.   

[Cat Familiar]

Yes but you are not stuck there.

I too lost a sense of independence, felt like I was not allowed to do this or that. First out of fear then out of adapting. I adapted to become a lesser person.

Thanks to the work I have done here, I have reevolved (if there is such a word), working on me, as is often promoted here, has made me not only a better person, but a happier one, by letting some things slide I have taken rewards in different areas. I can confidently say I am healthier and happier than I have ever been at any point in my life.

Being controlled and conflict has gone out of the BPD relationship. Though the BPD thought process and actions are still there. I am more in control of my life, and my rights than I ever have been in any RS.

Yes I still get frustrated and vent about the "if onlys" at times.

The sun is still out there and shining, we just have an arduous journey to find it.

You can do it too.

Waverider, you're an inspiration. Thanks.

I'm just now realizing how I've gotten entangled in the FOG. It's almost like if I do something just for myself (like working out), he feels jealous. And by not doing that over the holidays, I feel yucky.

I'm getting to the point of moving past grief and the realization that this relationship is not able to be what I had hoped, but to understand that through changing myself, I will change the dynamic of the relationship and it could be better than I had hoped. (But I'm not getting my hopes up.)

[waverider]

It's almost like if I do something just for myself (like working out), he feels jealous.

If you work out a hundred times, and always come back, and nothing untoward happens, it will become the normal even if the jealousy ramps up for a while. That is ultimately his problem.

Don't suffocate out of fear of breathing too loud.

[vortex of confusion]

Yes, I am very different that the person that I want to be, should be, or even am underneath all of the BS.

I am a very funloving creative person. I abandoned that for so long to keep my husband from being jealous or feeling like I was trying to one up him. For the longest time, it felt like we were in competition. There were times that I would just roll over to let him save face, feel like the man, or whatever. At other times, I engaged in the competition and made sure I won and then rubbed his nose in it. None of that is me.

I am on a path to try to figure out who I am and who I want to be. The person that I want to be is the person that I am when I am NOT around my husband. I don't monitor everything that I say. I am a smart alleck. I go with the flow and relax. I was talking to a friend one day and I broke down and cried and said something along the lines of, "I just want to be able to be a fickle woman that doesn't have everything held against me, analyzed, or taken personally. I just want to be able to feel a full range of emotions without having somebody try to argue me out of them."

[eyvindr]

bobcat2014 -- you don't sound weak. It's a good question, and many here can relate.

Sly -- I'm tempted to use this as my signature:

but being stronger doesnt make you a better or happier person

An I have also heard God does not put on your plate more than you can bear

Well if that was the case I often wished God didn't have such a high opinion of me

waverider -- good, thoughtful words, as always.

[waverider]

"if onlys"

"If only" the pwBPD was healthy.  I will dream of it from time to time.  But we can all rest assured that this can't be, there was and is nothing we can do about it, it won't be different with anyone else, and thankfully we didn't get ourselves in deeper.   

My marriage to my exwife was also full of "if onlys" and there was no BPD in that RS, so there was nothing to work on, it was the way it was, I learned no tools to deal with it. Now the "if onlys' are due to BPD, I am here, I have access to tools that are known to work with this disorder. I am in a position to either fix, accept, or work around those if onlys. In a way I am less helpless than I was.

Even if at the end of the day you choose to throw the towel in as happiness is unattainable within the RS, you have still made a choice to address the "if onlys'

[ReluctantSurvivor]

I have gone through the full spectrum.  From pure bliss in the early stages.  Slowly I became the worst version of myself I have known.  Insecure, pessimistic, passive aggressive, hopeless.  My relationship collapsed, although I still see me dBPDex daily.  I was completely shattered with the sudden and abrubt end to the relationship.  I was stripped down to the very basic core of my being and in horrible pain.  In the 6 months since, I have rebuilt myself stronger and far more aware of myself.  I have learned much about my own traits that led to negative feelings and have been able to change some of my own bad patterns and coping mechanisms.  BPD is a serious illness that can wear down even a saint.  I believe that being around a BPD individual will expose any and all weaknesses in the Non from the sustained stress.

Now to be fair my dBPDex is only one who suffers from BPD traits.  If anything she is very light on the spectrum and mostly self aware of her issues such as rage and self harm.  I have not experienced the darker side of the spectrum.  So being exposed to the shallow end of the abyss did in fact break me.  After all is said and done, I have come back a much more well balanced individual but it was only with distance from the BPD experience that I was able to repair the weak parts of me that BPD hit like heat seeking missiles.

[Yaffle]

I've changed a lot.  Some good and some bad.  Exhaustion/frustration I think is the main bad point.  I've always been quite reserved in situations where I'm not entirley comfortable but once I relaxed I was the life and soul of the party.  I'm now usually too tired for my mind to work like that.  However, I've also learned that I'm a lot more well liked by a far larger range of people than I could ever have imagined and looking back I'm a lot stronger than I ever believed I was.   No way did I ever think I could have been put through all this and still be functioning and looking to improve my lot too.

[EaglesJuju]

I have changed a lot.  About 2 years into my relationship, I started to become really depressed.  My depression was a combination of not being able to understand/cope with my bf's behavior and the constant conflict. I was very passive before and usually complied to anything he wanted.  Although I was always compliant, it made me angry and upset, I knew that was not me or who I wanted to be. 

After being in a sordid state, I finally sought help from a therapist. I had a really tumultuous childhood that resulted in my dependent/codependent behaviors. Honestly, I probably would have not sought treatment for my own issues if it weren't for my bf.

I started to look at myself and learned why certain things make me upset or give me anxiety. My behavior was not limited to my bf.

Before, I would get upset by negative comments or criticism. This was tough especially when he would project towards me. While working on my own issues and coping with his projection, I learned to not take everything so "personal."  This alleviated a huge portion of the anxiety I have had since childhood.

Essentially, the relationship has prompted me to become a better person. My relationship is not perfect and there are many things that still upset me but, I have an overall healthier and happier outlook.

I think we all change from being in a relationship with a pwBPD. It really can give us the opportunity to look at ourselves and change our behavior.  There is a reason why we get into relationships with pwBPD.  I believe personal growth can be a positive aspects of our relationships.   

[eyvindr]

EaglesJuju,

Thanks for sharing. That's encouraging, and I'm happy to hear you were able to navigate your way through it to the other side, with some good lessons learned.

I think we all change from being in a relationship with a pwBPD. It really can give us the opportunity to look at ourselves and change our behavior.  There is a reason why we get into relationships with pwBPD.  I believe personal growth can be a positive aspects of our relationships.

I agree. It's pretty much like relationship boot camp.

[Cat Familiar]

It's almost like if I do something just for myself (like working out), he feels jealous.

If you work out a hundred times, and always come back, and nothing untoward happens, it will become the normal even if the jealousy ramps up for a while. That is ultimately his problem.

Don't suffocate out of fear of breathing too loud.

Thanks, I did a workout last night with the weights and TRX and I feel so much better. The funny thing is that I work out at home and still, it's threatening to him. He will come in the room and make some comment and leave.

For whatever reason, it bothers him to see me do ballet when I'm working in the kitchen, standing at the counter and using it as a barre. And the other night, he was furious when I sat on the floor while we watched a movie and I did stretching and yoga for two hours. He said something like "I wasn't being with him" and we were watching a movie! Go figure the BPD thought process!

I'm tired of trying to match his sedentary lifestyle at night. And I haven't ridden my horses for a while due to the holidays and weather and letting my mare recover from an injury.

Well, I'm going to take care of myself and he can call me "selfish" and "only interested in my own interests" and I'll just have to agree with him.

[eyvindr]

Wow. Again with the similarities.

Thanks, I did a workout last night with the weights and TRX and I feel so much better. The funny thing is that I work out at home and still, it's threatening to him. He will come in the room and make some comment and leave... .

Well, I'm going to take care of myself and he can call me "selfish" and "only interested in my own interests" and I'll just have to agree with him.

When I met my ex, she made a pretty big deal out of how health-conscious she was -- how important working out was to her, how it greatly improved her quality of life and her state of mind, and how great she thought it was that I was involved in a pretty rigorous fitness program myself.

Within the first three months of our relationship, this all began to slide. I'm a member of a gym that is located near my office, and my workouts are scheduled (kind of a class thing, led by a physical trainer). I was in a nice, healthy, productive groove of going to work, then hitting the gym immediately after, then heading home to prepare myself a healthy meal, followed by getting to bed at a reasonable time. My ex was a member of another gym, near her home, and she preferred to work out in the mornings before she went to work. (Actually, her father would come to her house at 5:30 each morning to get her daughter up and ready for school and take her to school so that her mom could go work out in the morning -- because that's what she wanted to do.) I never questioned my ex's preference for a morning workout -- figured it made as much sense for her schedule as mine did for me. Imagine my chagrin when she began trying to get me to skip workouts so I could spend time with her and her daughter in the evening -- it wasn't enough that I made compromises to my routine so that I could go spend a couple hours one or two evenings a week -- she wanted me to consider getting up early, like her, drive across town to my gym, do my workout, then drive back home, shower, get ready for work and drive back to the office -- every day. Because, if I cared enough about her, I'd find a way to make it work. I used to joke with her that she was jealous of my gym -- because at first I really did think it was funny! -- her suggestion was so utterly presumptuous I couldn't take it seriously. But I soon learned that she resented it -- because it was something I did 4 nights of the week, with people I liked, and she wasn't involved in it. So, in her brain, it didn't matter that I was doing something healthy for myself that I enjoyed -- arguably making myself a better partner and person. What mattered was that I was devoting my time and energy to something other than our relationship, and I was spending time with other people that she felt could have been spent with her and her daughter.

This happened pretty consistently across the board. The most consistent BPD behavior that I saw in my ex was that she always interpreted anything I did that didn't involve her as a slight to her, as opposed to something that was just part of my life. To be in a relationship with her, she expected me to accept that she and the relationship came first -- before everything and anything else. The only thing she didn't really question was work -- unless it was a work-related social thing, then she'd get cray ("who are you there with? are other partners there? why can't you leave? I never have to do things like that... ." -- or anytime I'd do something with my adult son. other that than, she had major issues with the whole "we have separate lives" thing -- even though it never applied in a relationship way. I was completely and happily exclusive with her from the time we began dating (oh no! -- there's that horrible word again!).

As I say -- exasperating. At best, she just had major issues. Will never know for sure, but it sure felt like BPD to me.

[JRT]

I know view everyone close to me with a level of distrust... .rather than just enjoying the moment, I question their motives after judging them 'is not as appears'... .it was the end of a certain kind of innocence for me... .I am uncertain if I will ever be able to love the same way again or have faith in the benevolence of people especially those that are the closest to me.

[eyvindr]

Hi JRT,

I know those feelings well.

I know view everyone close to me with a level of distrust... .rather than just enjoying the moment, I question their motives after judging them 'is not as appears'... .it was the end of a certain kind of innocence for me... .I am uncertain if I will ever be able to love the same way again or have faith in the benevolence of people especially those that are the closest to me.

Not sure if this is your first experience with this or not, but having been through it a few times, here's what I can say. I definitely relate to that feeling of a loss of some kind of innocence. I was talking to a friend recently, recalling one of the first big blowouts with my ex, and I talked about how, for me, any time that has happened to me in a relationship, I feel like it's never the same. I still don't know it it's meant to be a sign -- because none of those relationships has panned out. Maybe that kind of event is normal, and maybe people who don't have whatever core wounds I must have just walk when that happens, and spare themselves any additional misery. I do know that, in my own case, I've never been as happy in those relationships after as I was before that kind of event. And it always feels the same -- like something I treasured was broken and can't be replaced -- which, of course, is that innocence.

The good news is that you can love again. You will. Don't let this experience paralyze you. Take as much time as you need to heal -- be kind to yourself, and patient. Don't rush into something new, and try to avoid thinking that, until you find a new relationship, you aren't healed. You need to heal before you find a new relationship. Good luck. Take care of yourself.

[JRT]

I remember the first time that we recycled; prior to that for weeks, I had this 'butterflies in the stomach' kind of euphoria that I never had with a relationship. I thought to myself, 'finally... .my match'. Church for me until that point was me asking God for help ad favors. Beyond that point it was me thanking God each and every week for my happiness. It died after the first recycle although I was still happy, I knew in the back of my mind that anything was possible in terms of instability (as the next several recycles would support) and then finally, the disappearing act.

its one thing to have loved and lost, but as we all know as victims of BPD's, although it SEEMED that the love was reciprocated, we were no more valuable and sentimental than a hair dryer, a roll of tape or a car. It's like getting mugged on a street you have walked down a zillion times: you wonder how close you came to being mugged before and you never quite walk down that street quite the same way every again - the robbery analogy being appropriate. I can only imagine the miserable and violated feeling a rape victim has after the fact; it HAS to be similar to this except my violation happened all day, every day for 2 years.

[ColdEthyl]

I have changed a lot, and I have a ways to go. I have become stronger in some aspects. I have acquired more patience than I used to have. I actually talk different not only to him but to other people because the tools work on some people who are difficult to communicate with. I'm still learning to take care of myself, and learning to be happy with myself. I want to get to the point to where I don't feel like I 'need him'. I have learned not to JADE as much (still working on that one) and I do not admit to things I didn't do just to end a conversation anymore like I used to.

[Mr.Downtrodden]

Yes an not for the better though i hold no grudges

i have heard what doesn't kill you makes you stronger ( should read break )

but being stronger doesnt make you a better or happier person

An I have also heard God does not put on your plate more than you can bear

Well if that was the case I often wished God didn't have such a high opinion of me

Bottom line it sucks

^^^This is brilliant... .I have always taken the high road but doing so has left me broken and empty.

i feel like a used up and discarded paint can rusting away a little bit more each passing day... .

[JRT]

This question has been lingering with me today... .my experience has also changed me in an other way that is probably more impactful to me and to my detriment: I have always been the type of person that embraced the idea that everything that is good requires work, hard work. And that there is always hope for things - like the old song, 'everything will work out if you let it'. As I reflect on my life and my personal and professional achievements, all of the things that I have accomplished have been a manifestation of this approach. It has been one of the reasons that I found it so difficult to let go... .

This episode and its result absolute destroys this notion and any kind of supporting evidence of its value at all. I am finding challenges to be more difficult and see little value in pursuing them no matter what the potential reward. I have lost faith that things will work out provided the corresponding effort... .I hope that this is fleeting.

[braveSun]

Absolutely. I have changed. If I had not, I would not have lived.

Life changes us. This experience is definitely in the range of the *unforgettable*...

I can totally identify with the feelings of 'lost innocence'. Maybe what I know now is more rooted in the reality of our world as it is. The ways I was walking in life have matured. They now include ways which can respect better, I hope, a larger percentage of the human population.

For me it's a slow process. How it affects me, what I learn about my self, how I see myself and the reality of everybody around me. It has all changed, and it's not over yet.

Today I'm feeling better about it. Tomorrow my feelings may vary. But this does not break my faith in my life and in my self any longer. I can say today that I can survive this and thrive. Again.

I like that there are skills I can learn and get better at. I like that there are choices I can make, no matter how thin the margin. I like that there are communities of people I can talk openly with about this experience and that my meanings 'count'.

Even if I lose this relationship, in the end, I will have found myself, in a much more authentic way.

 

[eyvindr]

JRT,

I can relate.

This episode and its result absolute destroys this notion and any kind of supporting evidence of its value at all. I am finding challenges to be more difficult and see little value in pursuing them no matter what the potential reward. I have lost faith that things will work out provided the corresponding effort... .I hope that this is fleeting.

I've experienced that feeling that returns on any effort are limited at best. I know that "why bother?" feeling well. I'm going to take a jump and suggest that what you're experiencing, more than a crisis of faith is sheer spiritual exhaustion. These r-ships take a lot out of you, whether you just get blindsided by them or try to stick with it and make it work. It sucks.

Again -- having been through this before, I hope it helps to hear me share that it will pass. Hang in there. Focus on yourself and your life, and be kind to yourself. It takes time -- "fleeting" is probably the wrong way to think about it. It takes time.

Like any breakup, it's very much like an injury -- maybe think of it that way. Let yourself heal. Your body and your soul are genetically predisposed to regain health. Help them along. Know that this too shall pass. Rest. Do things you enjoy, with people whose company you enjoy. Eat healthy foods. Keep moving. Avoid ruminating. You will recover.

[JRT]

I really felt that this was THE ONE and put a LOT of effort into the relationship... .things were finally starting to come together for me (I had some hard times related to the economy for a while)... .it was a sign that the life that I always wanted was before me... .mine was not only related to my BPD, but aslo to what I felt was an obliteration of the great future that had finally come. I got divorced when I was 33... .I am 48 years old now and it is really upsetting to realize that I will likely enter my 50's without a partner... .SMH... .gave away MORE than two years for this POS.

[eyvindr]

JRT --

I know. Me, too.

I really felt that this was THE ONE and put a LOT of effort into the relationship... .things were finally starting to come together for me (I had some hard times related to the economy for a while)... .it was a sign that the life that I always wanted was before me... .mine was not only related to my BPD, but aslo to what I felt was an obliteration of the great future that had finally come. I got divorced when I was 33... .I am 48 years old now and it is really upsetting to realize that I will likely enter my 50's without a partner... .SMH... .gave away MORE than two years for this POS.

In so many ways, she was my dream partner. Smart, cute, sexy, sweet, artistic -- I truly never had more fun with a partner, when the times were good. But, when the times weren't good, they were absolutely horrible for me. It was impossible to deal with, it was continuous, it was repetitive -- there was never any true resolution. As much as I loved her, I had to leave. I tried. We broke up twice, she begged that we try again, I did. Nothing changed. Nobody was happy, and she couldn't understand why I refused to progress to marriage and living together unless I was certain that we could resolve our issues. After three years, I finally decided that I was done. I got divorced about the same age as you, and I'm 52 now. I hear you.

Make peace with it. We're all going to be ok.

[JRT]

sorry to hear that you had all of that trouble... .they really do ruin lives don't they?