Looking for answers

[H Hi]

Hi

Having a bit of a rough time. I'm recovering from an operation. My Dad is having tests for lung cancer and my mum is in the early stages of dementia. Now xmas is over I'm in the house on my own. Friends are back at work and sister is another country.

I desperately want to contact my ex and ask the following.

Did you love me

Did you cheat on me

Do you know you have BPD or many BPD traits

How did your past relationships really end

How come you have managed to save 20 grand and pay of 30 grand off your mortgage on your own

Who the hell are you really

Can anyone else relate to this or give me any advice? It's been 7 weeks BU. I was only with her 4 months and it has messed me up so bad. A lot of the time the relationship was hard work and exhausting and like walking on egg shells so why do I miss it or think of the very few good times? I ended it and then she ended it by email. Can't make any sense of her actions. Her words weren't backed up by her actions.

[cehlers55]

You're doing the right thing.

I was just like you. I wanted answers so bad. I NEEDED answers.

But there are none.

Funny you mention, there is a Book called "Stop Walking on Eggshells". You should read it. It is all about dating/breaking up with a pwBPD.

Mine was hard work too , and exhausting just like you said.

[Popcorn71]

Hi


I desperately want to contact my ex and ask the following.

Did you love me

Did you cheat on me

Do you know you have BPD or many BPD traits

How did your past relationships really end

How come you have managed to save 20 grand and pay of 30 grand off your mortgage on your own

Who the hell are you really

I totally understand your need to have your questions answered.  I would love to know the truth to many similar questions.  However, I have accepted that I will never know.  I have also begun to realise that it doesn't matter anyway.  What happened, happened and knowing more details wouldn't change things.  After my xBPDh dumped me for the replacement he kept saying that I could ask him anything, that we could still talk about what had happened.  I didn't give him the satisfaction of telling me more lies.  I actually felt that he only wanted me to ask questions so that he could hurt me more with the answers.

Maybe not knowing is better.  You have your own answers to these questions.  Maybe your truth is the best one to believe.

[Mr Hollande]

A metaphor, and forgive me if it's lame, is how to deal with a cooking oil fire. You smother it with a damp towel or (if available) a fire blanket. You then remove the burning pan from the source of heat. Out of the house if you can and as secure as possible. At no point do you lift the blanket to have a look. Unless you want your face burnt off and I can't think of anyone who wants that.

Consider any answer or reaction your ex may give to your questions the same way you would lifting the blanket to a vat of burning oil.

[Suzn]

It sounds like you are going through some really hard stuff right now aside from your recent breakup. 7 weeks is not long at all. I'm sorry your parents aren't doing well.    And you just having surgery, are you getting around ok?

so why do I miss it or think of the very few good times?

Anyone would want comfort with what you have going on in your life at the moment. We all look for comfort during down times. The good times were comforting. Even though there were bad times we looked to our exs for that comfort. This is very normal. We want answers because they can't be there for us when we need it and our minds start asking why?

What are you doing to self sooth? Do you read, watch movies, etc... ? Are any of your friends or other family members available for a chat?

Be kind to you.

[Deeno02]

A metaphor, and forgive me if it's lame, is how to deal with a cooking oil fire. You smother it with a damp towel or (if available) a fire blanket. You then remove the burning pan from the source of heat. Out of the house if you can and as secure as possible. At no point do you lift the blanket to have a look. Unless you want your face burnt off and I can't think of anyone who wants that.

Consider any answer or reaction your ex may give to your questions the same way you would lifting the blanket to a vat of burning oil.

This is so true. I broke NC, say a pic of her and the new guy (on her suddenly public Instagram account, never was when we were together), saw she looked happy, commented a simple "Glad your happy... .Good bye my love", Got a text from her 20 minutes later putting me on blast for doing it, calling me passive aggressive, dont ever do it again, remove the comment and blocked me. Trust me, you dont want any part of sending that list. Let it go. Im trying to purge myself of 16 months of hell. Dont do what I did. You wont like the outcome.

[FlyingAway]

After my xBPDh dumped me for the replacement he kept saying that I could ask him anything, that we could still talk about what had happened.  I didn't give him the satisfaction of telling me more lies.  I actually felt that he only wanted me to ask questions so that he could hurt me more with the answers.

This sounds familiar. The last sentence is spot on, and very insightful. I had this experience many times, and I know that my exBPD got perverse pleasure from hurting me with answers to my questions. Wish I would have refrained from asking.

[fromheeltoheal]

What you're doing is looking for closure H, and some open, honest communication to go with it.  Listen to us when we tell you with absolute certainty what happens when you turn to a triggered borderline looking for closure: you won't get it, and it will make things worse.  No question.

The good news is the only option left is to give yourself closure, which ends up being more powerful in the end because you have to dig deep to uncover what was and is really going on with you and resolving it; borderlines are great at forcing us to look at things like that, the gift of the relationship.  You've got challenges right now H, but also opportunities, and once you make it through, which you will, spring will be right around the corner and it's a brand new world, a brand new life, a rebirth.