Why do we recycle?

[How to communicate after a contentious divorce...]

I just got recycled for a week. I'm actually glad that I was short lived. Anything long term would have hurt me a lot more.

I never thought in a million years this would happen. My ex said that my replacement was an upgrade,  that I never treated her good, that she doesn't want me. Very cruel things.

2 months post bu and 30 days no contact and she is texting me which led to sex, love bombing, the whole nine. Was super intense for a few days.

She was already devaluing the replacement, which seemed pretty fast to me. Usually they idealized for awhile.

The amazing thing is that she actually dumped the replacement via text right in front of me. She followed through by telling him she still loved me

So my question is, why do they recycle?  Especially in my case... .it only lasted a week. My guesses are that maybe she just wanted to test me to see if I was still available. I'm currently being ignored as I tried texting her today... no response.

She ended it by saying she needed to work on herself with nobody before she can start to become a better person.

I'll put some money down they she will re engage again and tell me she has been going to therapy and whatnot as she knows I think there is something wrong with her. It's pretty fascinating to me, honestly.

Any and all opinions are welcome.

[Xidion]

I just got recycled for a week. I'm actually glad that I was short lived. Anything long term would have hurt me a lot more.

I never thought in a million years this would happen. My ex said that my replacement was an upgrade,  that I never treated her good, that she doesn't want me. Very cruel things.

2 months post bu and 30 days no contact and she is texting me which led to sex, love bombing, the whole nine. Was super intense for a few days.

She was already devaluing the replacement, which seemed pretty fast to me. Usually they idealized for awhile.

The amazing thing is that she actually dumped the replacement via text right in front of me. She followed through by telling him she still loved me

So my question is, why do they recycle?  Especially in my case... .it only lasted a week. My guesses are that maybe she just wanted to test me to see if I was still available. I'm currently being ignored as I tried texting her today... no response.

She ended it by saying she needed to work on herself with nobody before she can start to become a better person.

I'll put some money down they she will re engage again and tell me she has been going to therapy and whatnot as she knows I think there is something wrong with her. It's pretty fascinating to me, honestly.

Any and all opinions are welcome.

[Waifed]

My guess is that she missed you and idealized you and was happy to see you. The intensity probably then triggered her abandonment fears. This happened at an accelerated pace the last month of my relationship. I didn't know about BPD at the time so it was very confusing. I made it worse by putting pressure on her and telling her I wasn't staying because she had cheated. I think when it gets to this point backing off and showing indifference would be the only way to calm their nerves. Unfortunately backing off is a form of catering to their desire of poor boundaries.

Once triggered by us the recycle periods are shorter and shorter in duration. It's a no win situation.

[Skip]

The amazing thing is that she actually dumped the replacement via text right in front of me. She followed through by telling him she still loved me

It's probably more about her relationship with him than you at this point.

[Xidion]

Makes sense. On the day she ended it again she went from intense love bombing to telling me she was scared. So that tells me some sort of fear was triggered.

I don't know why, but I keep wondering if I will hear from her again. I honestly think she loves me, and that's why she has a hard time dealing with being with me. She is afraid of me abandoning her.

[fromheeltoheal]

I just got recycled for a week.

You might consider rephrasing that; you chose to recycle with her, part of taking your power back.

So my question is, why do they recycle?  Especially in my case... .it only lasted a week. My guesses are that maybe she just wanted to test me to see if I was still available.

Yep, think attachments with borderlines; she tested to see if one was still in place, and it was.

She ended it by saying she needed to work on herself with nobody before she can start to become a better person.

That's good awareness and applies to all of us at least a little.  Let's hope she follows through.

[Xidion]

I feel like she thinks she has me wrapped around her little finger emotionally and that I will always love her. I messes up by telling her that she could hurt me over and over and I would still love her.

[fromheeltoheal]

I feel like she thinks she has me wrapped around her little finger emotionally and that I will always love her. I messes up by telling her that she could hurt me over and over and I would still love her.

Someone mentioned something on a thread that has stuck with me: we went from the admired to the admirer, slowly and subtly, not really noticing it was happening until we were deep in it.  Certainly true for me, and a major wake-up.

It will be up to you what you put up with, and if you change expect a probable backlash, which will test your resolve, and eventually she'll accept the severing of the attachment and move on for good.

[Xidion]

I feel like she thinks she has me wrapped around her little finger emotionally and that I will always love her. I messes up by telling her that she could hurt me over and over and I would still love her.

Someone mentioned something on a thread that has stuck with me: we went from the admired to the admirer, slowly and subtly, not really noticing it was happening until we were deep in it.  Certainly true for me, and a major wake-up.

It will be up to you what you put up with, and if you change expect a probable backlash, which will test your resolve, and eventually she'll accept the severing of the attachment and move on for good.

I'm putting all of my focus into all the terrible things she has done to me. Hopefully that will build my defenses. My no contact starts tomorrow, it will be day one after the recycle this past weekend.

I pray she never contacts me again... .but with her knowing that I still love her chances are she will try once she is in need.

[Blimblam]

So, xideon why did you recycle?

[Xidion]

So, xideon why did you recycle?

Because I still loved her and I had to see it for myself. I had to see if she was capable of being real, honest, and sorry for all her actions. I wanted a chance at the hopes and dreams I once had for us.

[drummerboy]

Simple, go 100% NC, start working on yourself as to why you are up for this sort of treatment (basically you are showing her that you are like a lovesick puppy) and then look for a mentally healthy woman. Seriously, why sink more time and emotion into this dead end turmoil?

[fromheeltoheal]

I pray she never contacts me again... .but with her knowing that I still love her chances are she will try once she is in need.

You can still love her and let her go, it's about loving yourself more.  I still love the beautiful girl buried under all the crap in my ex, but that girl isn't available to either of us sustainably, so it was time to cut my losses and love myself more.

[Blimblam]

So, xideon why did you recycle?

Because I still loved her and I had to see it for myself. I had to see if she was capable of being real, honest, and sorry for all her actions. I wanted a chance at the hopes and dreams I once had for us.

Who is "her" and who is the "hopes and dreams," associated with "us?"

Are you upset at her because she failed to meet the expectations of your hopes and dreams? Isn't putting the responsibility of your hopes and dreams on someone just barely trying to survive one day at a time unfair to her and yourself?

[myself]

'Two steps forward and one step back' isn't always a negative expression or reality. Sometimes we needed to take that step back to be better able to take those next steps forward. We've all been there. Keep going.

[Xidion]

So, xideon why did you recycle?

Because I still loved her and I had to see it for myself. I had to see if she was capable of being real, honest, and sorry for all her actions. I wanted a chance at the hopes and dreams I once had for us.

Who is "her" and who is the "hopes and dreams," associated with "us?"

Are you upset at her because she failed to meet the expectations of your hopes and dreams? Isn't putting the responsibility of your hopes and dreams on someone just barely trying to survive one day at a time unfair to her and yourself?

Why shouldn't I be upset with her? She made promises that she couldn't keep for even 1 day. The hopes and dreams of having a happy and healthy relationship.  To work through it and be there for one another like we talked about.

[Blimblam]

So, xideon why did you recycle?

Because I still loved her and I had to see it for myself. I had to see if she was capable of being real, honest, and sorry for all her actions. I wanted a chance at the hopes and dreams I once had for us.

Who is "her" and who is the "hopes and dreams," associated with "us?"

Are you upset at her because she failed to meet the expectations of your hopes and dreams? Isn't putting the responsibility of your hopes and dreams on someone just barely trying to survive one day at a time unfair to her and yourself?

Why shouldn't I be upset with her? She made promises that she couldn't keep for even 1 day. The hopes and dreams of having a happy and healthy relationship.  To work through it and be there for one another like we talked about.

Who introduced those conditions? Her or you?

[Xidion]

During the recycle? She did. She wanted it. She talked about counseling. She wanted to go get relationship books. She told me she would never leave again. She told me she was here to stay.

[Blimblam]

During the recycle? She did. She wanted it. She talked about counseling. She wanted to go get relationship books. She told me she would never leave again. She told me she was here to stay.

So she was mirroring?

[Xidion]

During the recycle? She did. She wanted it. She talked about counseling. She wanted to go get relationship books. She told me she would never leave again. She told me she was here to stay.

So she was mirroring?

Most likely. I believed every word of it, too. Which I guess is ultimately my fault. But how can she mirror thoughts? Did she know what I wanted to hear?

[Blimblam]

During the recycle? She did. She wanted it. She talked about counseling. She wanted to go get relationship books. She told me she would never leave again. She told me she was here to stay.

So she was mirroring?

Why do you think she would mirror your desires?

Most likely. I believed every word of it, too. Which I guess is ultimately my fault. But how can she mirror thoughts? Did she know what I wanted to hear?

[Xidion]

During the recycle? She did. She wanted it. She talked about counseling. She wanted to go get relationship books. She told me she would never leave again. She told me she was here to stay.

So she was mirroring?

Why do you think she would mirror your desires?

Most likely. I believed every word of it, too. Which I guess is ultimately my fault. But how can she mirror thoughts? Did she know what I wanted to hear?

Probably to get me to lower my guard and give her sex, love , and attention like she wanted. What do you think?

[bunnyrabit]

Why do we recycle? I guess for me I was somehow not done yet. Even though the previous breakups and the events preceding it were just as horrible as with the latest breakup, it somehow feels different now.

I think my mind just wasn't able to grasp that she is truly mentally ill and that there's not a normal and decent person underneath all of the behaviors. I think I get it now, at least I hope so... .I do know that this time I've cut all lines of communications, something I've never done before. I went NC before for long stretches of time but I've never truly cut her out, until now.

So yeah, recycles, nothing good can come of it and sometimes we need to try one more time just to make sure we weren't just doing something wrong before that we can still fix. Which isn't a bad thing in the long run, better then leaving some doubts lingering in the back of the mind. We've been tricked, lead to believe that we could win a fantastic prize if we just try a little bit harder, but the game is rigged man, there are no prizes... .They're love frauds.

[Blimblam]

I think placing our hopes and dreams on the shoulders of our partner creates pressure for them to conform to our reality and that pressure feels engulfing to them. They try to be this person to recieve the love they desire and it places us in a position to be critical of them while avoiding ourselves by making them responsible and unconciously we chose a person who could not live up to this because we identify with this person.  We love this person but we give them conditional love that pushes them away only to realize we love them unconditionally.

[Xidion]

This recycle only lasted 6 days. That's pretty short. From what I've heard, they just get shorter and shorter until they eventually stop. I hope the shortness of this is a sign that she won't be back anytime soon. It will take me some time to work on myself and build my defenses.

[Xidion]

I think placing our hopes and dreams on the shoulders of our partner creates pressure for them to conform to our reality and that pressure feels engulfing to them. They try to be this person to recieve the love they desire and it places us in a position to be critical of them while avoiding ourselves by making them responsible and unconciously we chose a person who could not live up to this because we identify with this person.  We love this person but we give them conditional love that pushes them away only to realize we love them unconditionally.

I'm pretty sure she felt engulfed with all of the plans of counseling and whatnot. And also the fact that I returned all of her love bombing with my own love bombing. Probably why it only lasted 6 days.

[Blimblam]

If she realizes she needs therapy etc. Should she do this for her or for you?

[Xidion]

If she realizes she needs therapy etc. Should she do this for her or for you?

Definitely for herself. She needs to find herself.  She needs an identity of her own. With or without me, she needs to learn to be happy on her own. Her quality of life begins with herself and no one else.

[Blimblam]

If she realizes she needs therapy etc. Should she do this for her or for you?

Definitely for herself. She needs to find herself.  She needs an identity of her own. With or without me, she needs to learn to be happy on her own. Her quality of life begins with herself and no one else.

I want that for my ex too. The thing that was hard for me is when she would say she wanted to find herself and just run off and back into her pattern.  I wanted her to change and to get into therapy and to understand she was just running from herself.  I wanted that becuase that's what it would take for their to be an us.  I wanted it for the us more than for her.  I wanted it for her too but on my conditions.  The thing is underneath all the conditions of my love for her I love her unconditionally and she can feel the pressure of all these conditions and maybe that's just a reflection of all the conditions I put on myself to feel loved. 

[Xidion]

If she realizes she needs therapy etc. Should she do this for her or for you?

Definitely for herself. She needs to find herself.  She needs an identity of her own. With or without me, she needs to learn to be happy on her own. Her quality of life begins with herself and no one else.

I want that for my ex too. The thing that was hard for me is when she would say she wanted to find herself and just run off and back into her pattern.  I wanted her to change and to get into therapy and to understand she was just running from herself.  I wanted that becuase that's what it would take for their to be an us.  I wanted it for the us more than for her.  I wanted it for her too but on my conditions.  The thing is underneath all the conditions of my love for her I love her unconditionally and she can feel the pressure of all these conditions and maybe that's just a reflection of all the conditions I put on myself to feel loved. 

I will always have love and compassion for my ex... regardless of what she put me through. Under that beautiful face is a tormented soul. She deserves to be happy in life, with or without me. I hope she finds herself. I hope she gains an identity. Only then will she be able to sustain herself in a relationship. IF there is any chance of a relationship between her and I later in the future, she has to find herself and be able to be happy by herself.

[Blimblam]

Examine the conditions xideon. Hopefully you are in a position you hVe a therapist to help you with all that.