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Author Topic: I looked. Not surprised what I found.  (Read 403 times)
paperlung
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« on: January 09, 2015, 04:27:29 AM »

Temptation got the best of me, guys. I checked my ex's social media after 5 days of NC. She appears to be idealizing/crushing on this new guy she met off POF. Can't say that I'm surprised, really. I don't even know how I'm feeling about it at the moment. I should really be sleeping right now; I have class in the morning. Like, I guess it doesn't bother me too badly because I've been through this situation before; seeing her get along with other guys on social media. How is it possible to love/miss someone, wish to be with them, but at the same time not want to be with them? I guess because I know how truly disordered she is. I don't know. Damn it all.

I can continue to go without talking to her, that's never been a problem for me in the past. It's just the occasional snooping I can't seem to stop.

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Infern0
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« Reply #1 on: January 09, 2015, 05:06:42 AM »

I used to have this problem, with the snooping on social media, I don't do it anymore, it's one of those things that eventually you will be able to control. Your boundries build back up slowly.

don't kick yourself.
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paperlung
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« Reply #2 on: January 09, 2015, 05:35:38 AM »

I suppose you're right. Thanks. I feel like I'm at ease more now that I looked, strangely enough. I think I can fight the urge better too now that I've got some confirmation instead of being totally in the dark.

She does look to be in a idealization state right now, with some minor mirroring going on as well, judging by what I saw. I don't think I'll be hearing from her for a while. I probably sped this all along by distancing myself from her. I know she was trying to recycle me.
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Perdita
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« Reply #3 on: January 09, 2015, 05:48:50 AM »

I'm only a week out so I still snoop a bit.  In a way it is a good thing in the early phase because it actually allows you to see what creeps they are.    Can't believe just what a big POS he has turned out to be. It hurts a lot after I gave it my all, but I need to see it so I can come to terms with the facts.  Clearly I never meant anything to him even though I was always there for him and put up with so much crap just to keep him happy.
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oortcloud

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« Reply #4 on: January 09, 2015, 06:11:14 AM »

I actually found that snooping on my ex's social media sites gave me better perspective of what kind of person she was. It helped me move on and realize that I was better off without her in my life. And it's true that over time your boundaries will build up, and you'll check less and less.
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drummerboy
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« Reply #5 on: January 09, 2015, 06:18:30 AM »

Just remember that what people put on social media is how they want people to think of them as. It has nothing to do with what is really going on inside of then. It's a show. Want to tell the world that they are doing great, easy, portray that on social media. It's not called the narrcisists heaven foe nothing!

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Perdita
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« Reply #6 on: January 09, 2015, 07:19:24 AM »

It's a show. Want to tell the world that they are doing great, easy, portray that on social media. It's not called the narrcisists heaven foe nothing!

Exactly.  That's why I no longer have accounts on any social media.
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Deeno02
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« Reply #7 on: January 09, 2015, 07:22:59 AM »

It's a show. Want to tell the world that they are doing great, easy, portray that on social media. It's not called the narrcisists heaven foe nothing!

Exactly.  That's why I no longer have accounts on any social media.

Funny. When we were together, all her stuff was private and I was nowhere to be found picture wise. Now, her stuff (well Instagram anyway)is wide open and theres the new guy. Makes me feel even more that she was embarassed of me, I was just there to fill her needs. Feel like a freaking jackass.
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Perdita
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« Reply #8 on: January 09, 2015, 07:48:02 AM »

Funny. When we were together, all her stuff was private and I was nowhere to be found picture wise. Now, her stuff (well Instagram anyway)is wide open and theres the new guy. Makes me feel even more that she was embarassed of me, I was just there to fill her needs. Feel like a freaking jackass.

It very likely that she WANTS you to see the pics of her life with this guy so you can feel even worse about yourself.  Don't allow these creeps to win! 

Sometimes their obvious social media cruelty backfires on them and they are too self-absorbed to even realize it.  The slut mine was hanging out with took it upon herself and her friends to post a pic that was clearly aimed at me.  Stupid b*tch probably too high to realize that I deleted her a year ago and she has the pic set to "friends" (she has almost a 1000... .).  I have his pass so I saw.  What I saw delighted me as she now looks like what she is: an alcoholic drug addicted slut.  Looks MUCH older than she is.  Her appearance has deterioted a lot in a short space of time.  Yeah, I felt better after seeing that.  Her plan backfired.
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Mr Hollande
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« Reply #9 on: January 09, 2015, 07:52:48 AM »

Just like Infern0 said. Don't beat yourself up. You are still in the very early stages of the break up and you will get better at controlling the urge to look over time.

Set yourself a challenge. This time it was 5 days before you looked. Make it 10 before you look again. Maybe when you reach ten you will want to make it 11 for good measure. Maybe even 12, or more. The longer you leave between snooping the further you remove yourself from this toxic relationship.

The power is in your hands.


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paperlung
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« Reply #10 on: January 09, 2015, 08:56:00 AM »

Thanks, everyone. Just hurts knowing you're probably not as special to them as you think you are. She was clearly in survival mode at the time, on POF/Tinder immediately following her last break up. She always is after a break up unless the replacement was already lined up beforehand like in my case.

Just like Infern0 said. Don't beat yourself up. You are still in the very early stages of the break up and you will get better at controlling the urge to look over time.

Set yourself a challenge. This time it was 5 days before you looked. Make it 10 before you look again. Maybe when you reach ten you will want to make it 11 for good measure. Maybe even 12, or more. The longer you leave between snooping the further you remove yourself from this toxic relationship.

The power is in your hands.



I actually officially broke up with her back in March 2013 and didn't speak to her for an entire year. I'm already used to seeing her idealize all of the men she's been with after me on social media. It's just that last month I let my guard down a bit by seeing her a couple times in person. I didn't like what I saw or heard out of her so I went NC again.
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paperlung
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« Reply #11 on: January 09, 2015, 08:57:51 AM »

^
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Mr Hollande
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« Reply #12 on: January 09, 2015, 09:11:54 AM »

Then please forgive me for misunderstanding. There is a valuable lesson in there to not letting curiosity getting the better of me, no matter how much time has passed.

Thank you.
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paperlung
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« Reply #13 on: January 09, 2015, 09:22:39 AM »

Then please forgive me for misunderstanding. There is a valuable lesson in there to not letting curiosity getting the better of me, no matter how much time has passed.

Thank you.

Especially if they remain untreated. It's just the same scenario played out over and over again it seems with my ex.
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paperlung
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« Reply #14 on: January 15, 2015, 12:01:51 AM »

Checked FB. She's now apparently in a relationship with some POF guy she met earlier this month, like maybe 10 days ago.

He has no idea what he's in for.
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JRT
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« Reply #15 on: January 15, 2015, 12:41:25 AM »

It seems that most BPD's choose a replacement quickly to help them feel that emptiness that they crave. I often times read here that as quickly as they choose them, that they parade them all over social media as a 'in your face' tactic or otherwise. The thing that I believe that they fail to consider when doing so is what there friends and family that see these types of posts end up thinking. I mean, lets pretend for a second that the ex was as wrong a pairing for them as can be. It is very difficult even under those circumstances to not think poorly of someone who dumps a SO and quickly engages in what appears to be an intimate and sexual relationship (enough to advertise it on social media). I know that I wouldn't have very much respect for that person (I have seen it happen before and it makes them look like a jerk). It broadcasts to everyone that they know that they had little respect for the person that they just broke up with... .and that their feelings meant nothing to them ... .and likely that they were cheating on that person with this new partner. Even for a BPD, I don't know why they would choose to do this.
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paperlung
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« Reply #16 on: January 15, 2015, 01:51:34 AM »

It seems that most BPD's choose a replacement quickly to help them feel that emptiness that they crave.

Yup. My ex has always been like that. Once a relationship of her's ends, she'll immediately be back on the online dating sites looking for someone new. I think when I told her I didn't want to talk to or see her anymore back on the 4th, she quickly got into something new because I made myself no longer available for a recycle (we saw each other a couple of times in December and the second time she came onto me really strong).
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downwhim
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« Reply #17 on: January 15, 2015, 02:40:00 AM »

Remember, they will devalue those replacements too. It is all only a matter of time and as much as they can show them off they can make them feel like us. Unimportant and their relationship will never grow. I do wonder how long this one will last for him. Why I don't know. My insecurity I guess.
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paperlung
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« Reply #18 on: January 15, 2015, 03:17:54 AM »

Remember, they will devalue those replacements too. It is all only a matter of time and as much as they can show them off they can make them feel like us. Unimportant and their relationship will never grow. I do wonder how long this one will last for him. Why I don't know. My insecurity I guess.

Hi downwhim, and thanks. I think it's only natural for us to want to know how long their next relationship is going to last. It validates us to know that we weren't the problem, they were.

I don't know how well you know my story, but there was this man twice her age who lived very far away she was triangulating me with two years ago. Eventually, she dropped both of us and ran off to The States to be with this new guy she met off the adult cam site she works for. The relationship didn't last more than 3 months, and I think the first 2 months it was long distance. She wanted to spend 6 months with him in The States (where he lived) but she could only stay for 1 because she wasn't a US citizen. So, she planned to marry him. The guy ends up calling the wedding off just days before and drives her all the way home.

Shortly after that, she finds her rebound off POF and moves to the island and lives with him for a year. I don't know how healthy their relationship was, but she did tell me he raped her 4 months in and that they broke up for like a week but were still living together and that it was awkward.

She ends things with him after a year and meets this new guy off Tinder and dates him for a month (she's still on the island). She said he seemed nice/normal at first, but then went crazy/psycho on her, and apparently cheated on my ex and abused her. It was at this point that she moved back to where I live (and where she's originally from). First thing she does when she moves back here is starts meeting new guys off POF and Tinder.


So, my replacements.

#1 Three months (March 2013-June 2013)

#2 One year (August 2013-September 2014)

#3 One month (October 2014)

#4 She was casually seeing/dating a few guys for a month after moving back home (December 2014)

#5 (?) Latest relationship just started (January 2015)


To be honest, I stopped caring what she was up to/who she was with probably right around the time my first replacement broke up with her. So three months out. I actually was NC for an entire year, but then got into LC with her while she was on the island. It wasn't until she moved back here (where I live) that I started to care a little again. I guess you could say some old feelings came back, but I knew I was playing with fire so I ran. She hadn't changed a bit from what I saw and no longer seemed interested in getting treatment, which was something she was adamant on right before moving back.
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fred6
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« Reply #19 on: January 15, 2015, 05:00:30 AM »

I don't know. I think for some people, looking at their FB may actually help a bit. For me at least, the longer I look at her FB, the less it affects me. I guess that I get more and more used to the idea of her being with new supply. She's not really plastering the replacement all over her FB. In fact, she's kind of hiding him and keeping it on the down low. Replacement never posts on her page. He just "likes" certain memes that she posts or shares.

For instance, I just went and looked at her page. Out of 12 memes that she shared yesterday, he "liked" 2 of them.

She posted one that said, "There's nothing sexier than a "good morning beautiful" text".

And the other one said, "One of the most beautiful things in the world is falling asleep with someone you love, holding them, and feeling perfectly safe".

She never was lovey dovey or sentimental when she was with me(maybe at the beginning a little). I wasn't a secret on FB like replacement is, but she never posted things like that when we were together. The funny thing is that she had such low self esteem that whenever I told her that she looked good, pretty, or beautiful, she got mad or sarcastic. Also, "WE" used to fall asleep like that and she loved me. So now after 3 years together she hates me. And after 3-4 months she loves the new guy. Sounds kind of nutty to me. This stuff still confuses the hell out of me sometimes, hahaha.
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JRT
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« Reply #20 on: January 15, 2015, 08:18:29 AM »

It seems that most BPD's choose a replacement quickly to help them feel that emptiness that they crave.

Yup. My ex has always been like that. Once a relationship of her's ends, she'll immediately be back on the online dating sites looking for someone new. I think when I told her I didn't want to talk to or see her anymore back on the 4th, she quickly got into something new because I made myself no longer available for a recycle (we saw each other a couple of times in December and the second time she came onto me really strong).

Interestingly, mine goes into hibernation when she recycles. I know that she waited a long time to date after each of her relationships and even when she recycled me in the past, she swore that thee was no one else. Even though I have since come to regard her as a world class liar, I believe her as far as this goes (although anything is certainly possible).
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paperlung
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« Reply #21 on: January 15, 2015, 08:24:01 AM »

It seems that most BPD's choose a replacement quickly to help them feel that emptiness that they crave.

Yup. My ex has always been like that. Once a relationship of her's ends, she'll immediately be back on the online dating sites looking for someone new. I think when I told her I didn't want to talk to or see her anymore back on the 4th, she quickly got into something new because I made myself no longer available for a recycle (we saw each other a couple of times in December and the second time she came onto me really strong).

Interestingly, mine goes into hibernation when she recycles. I know that she waited a long time to date after each of her relationships and even when she recycled me in the past, she swore that thee was no one else. Even though I have since come to regard her as a world class liar, I believe her as far as this goes (although anything is certainly possible).

Seems like the healthier thing to me; taking time away from dating in between breakups.

The saga continues:

https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=240742.0
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downwhim
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« Reply #22 on: January 15, 2015, 11:43:50 AM »

Paperlung,

She is all over the place. I wonder about getting stds from all those men! None of them sound stable at all. She did a full circle. Back home and calling you. Of course she has not changed with no therapy.

My ex likes to be with one woman and just wear her down. I know he had replacement  move in with him as he likes that control.


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Heldfast
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« Reply #23 on: January 15, 2015, 12:02:47 PM »

Mine had the replacement already lined up before leaving me, and probably slept with him too, making up a story that she'd been roofied when on a wedding party trip to the keys before I got there for the actual wedding. Of course, no one else noticed, except the substitute, who had to take care of her. When I thanked him for doing so, he had no idea what I was talking about. I was so blind. She then started texting him for the month before she left me. She tried to tell her family to go NC with me so the truth would never come out, but they are talking to me now and do not like what they are hearing. Not sure what comes of that. She left me December 22, hung out with him for a week as he was in her parents home town (he's her ex from age 17-21) and they think he's a douchebag and cannot stand him. I still snoop though. One month from breakup date (Dec 15th was when she said she was leaving me). I returned the ring today.

She went to Seattle to be with him the second he was physically available after the new year (he was on a party cruise for the week after new years). Instead of this strong independent woman story she was telling everyone, looking to drive around the country, she got on a plane and flew to Seattle the day after he returned from his cruise. She says she's just there to see about finding jobs and if she could live there. Because lots of people suddenly, spontaneously move from the Caribbean to Seattle in winter. No acknowledgement that she's staying with or moving to the substitute. And her old friends are all enablers, including her "life coach" friend who basically validates her every move "she's pursuing true love, what if they are together but stay together forever." Enjoy your bs new romance jerkoff. Oh, texted her to tell her I returned the ring, no response, but it's hard to text when you're in another guys bed.
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JRT
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« Reply #24 on: January 15, 2015, 12:04:22 PM »

It seems that most BPD's choose a replacement quickly to help them feel that emptiness that they crave.

Yup. My ex has always been like that. Once a relationship of her's ends, she'll immediately be back on the online dating sites looking for someone new. I think when I told her I didn't want to talk to or see her anymore back on the 4th, she quickly got into something new because I made myself no longer available for a recycle (we saw each other a couple of times in December and the second time she came onto me really strong).

Interestingly, mine goes into hibernation when she recycles. I know that she waited a long time to date after each of her relationships and even when she recycled me in the past, she swore that thee was no one else. Even though I have since come to regard her as a world class liar, I believe her as far as this goes (although anything is certainly possible).

Seems like the healthier thing to me; taking time away from dating in between breakups.

The saga continues:

https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=240742.0

Perhaps there is hope for her... .refuses to speak to me though... .cut all all contact and has made communication impossible... .I tried a couple of times to call her from a hotel phone and she called the cops on me. What the heck?
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paperlung
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« Reply #25 on: January 15, 2015, 04:30:17 PM »

Paperlung,

She is all over the place. I wonder about getting stds from all those men! None of them sound stable at all. She did a full circle. Back home and calling you. Of course she has not changed with no therapy.

My ex likes to be with one woman and just wear her down. I know he had replacement  move in with him as he likes that control.

She moved back in with her dad so that she could get her life/career together. That's what she told me before the move. Now she's wavering on doing that college program in April like I expected. So I asked her, what other options are you looking at? She said some stuff about maybe moving downtown (where her BF she met 10 days ago lives I presume), or doing spa therapy instead because she doesn't like the idea of putting animals down. She's all over the place. Can't make up her mind. I fully predict she will move out again soon and just continue to work as a cam model, living alone or with a new boyfriend. After all, "I'm only 23!"

She told me she thinks it's smart when you're young to see multiple people at once because it gives you a good idea on what you want and don't want. Yeah, except you're also sleeping causally with them as well. But not anymore, apparently, because she has formed a new relationship off POF after 10 freaking days.
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Heldfast
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« Reply #26 on: January 16, 2015, 06:44:22 AM »

Yes, I also got the I have to be a strong, independent woman speech, and she didn't take enough time for herself between our 2 and a half year relationship and her last one. But that's all bunk, she didn't even wait 3 weeks before getting into the new one.
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