feeling utterly devalued

[Before you can make things better, you have to stop making them worse...]

Just feel so much loss I lost what I thought was going to be my wife , my bf, my dog, my chance to buy a house , my trust . I'm almost broke to boot and all the dreams we had for a our future I'm 37 and I feel like Ive now lost my chance to be happy be married have kids

I feel so worthless like life has little point without us and our plans ... .when I'm not thinking of her or ruminating its like she is gone and this empty void of blackness engulfs me ... .I feel so angry so cheated so used knowing she had been devaluing me and disengaging for 12-24 months all the while biding her time while the resentment built up till she was in a position of strength not needing me anymore and then detaching in the coldest way showing no concern for me or my feelings or even the situation she left me in . just discarded and all I'm left with is her in indeference or anger/resentment ... .

I'm angry I let her blame me for so much over the last 3 years and post BU no matter what I did or how hard I tried to please her it was never enough or never truly appreciated . And in the end she even blamed me for all her unhappiness over the last 6 years ... .insulted me and hurt me . And I can't even rage at her or make her feel the slightest blame , guilt or remorse .

I think if it were not for the damage to my family I'd end it because life after this is just miserable . I needed her I admit it ... .she was my world and now I feel alone adrift in a sea of empty with only black darkness ahead .


To hear someone who idealised me and my every word to tell me they don't respect me "they've grown up"  and that they resent that I don't earn as much as them ... .to ignore all the love , caring loyalty ,friendship ,support and care for her and others around me to be reduced by her to impotent Because I don't earn a 100k plus and I'm no longer her defination of fun /exciting which I was before she met me and in the early years before her , work and all my other responsabilites drained me dry . so that I was not focussed on coming up with new places to take her or making friends for us . I should have guessed after she dumped her last bf for being "boring" and cheating on him ... .Its because she is boring she needs others and things to stimulate her and make her feel happy / alive

[dobie]

Just feel so much loss I lost what I thought was going to be my wife , my bf, my dog, my chance to buy a house , my trust . I'm almost broke to boot and all the dreams we had for a our future I'm 37 and I feel like Ive now lost my chance to be happy be married have kids

I feel so worthless like life has little point without us and our plans ... .when I'm not thinking of her or ruminating its like she is gone and this empty void of blackness engulfs me ... .I feel so angry so cheated so used knowing she had been devaluing me and disengaging for 12-24 months all the while biding her time while the resentment built up till she was in a position of strength not needing me anymore and then detaching in the coldest way showing no concern for me or my feelings or even the situation she left me in . just discarded and all I'm left with is her in indeference or anger/resentment ... .

I'm angry I let her blame me for so much over the last 3 years and post BU no matter what I did or how hard I tried to please her it was never enough or never truly appreciated . And in the end she even blamed me for all her unhappiness over the last 6 years ... .insulted me and hurt me . And I can't even rage at her or make her feel the slightest blame , guilt or remorse .

I think if it were not for the damage to my family I'd end it because life after this is just miserable . I needed her I admit it ... .she was my world and now I feel alone adrift in a sea of empty with only black darkness ahead .


To hear someone who idealised me and my every word to tell me they don't respect me "they've grown up"  and that they resent that I don't earn as much as them ... .to ignore all the love , caring loyalty ,friendship ,support and care for her and others around me to be reduced by her to impotent Because I don't earn a 100k plus and I'm no longer her defination of fun /exciting which I was before she met me and in the early years before her , work and all my other responsabilites drained me dry . so that I was not focussed on coming up with new places to take her or making friends for us . I should have guessed after she dumped her last bf for being "boring" and cheating on him ... .Its because she is boring she needs others and things to stimulate her and make her feel happy / alive

[jhkbuzz]

Just feel so much loss I lost what I thought was going to be my wife , my bf, my dog, my chance to buy a house , my trust . I'm almost broke to boot and all the dreams we had for a our future I'm 37 and I feel like Ive now lost my chance to be happy be married have kids

I feel so worthless like life has little point without us and our plans ... .when I'm not thinking of her or ruminating its like she is gone and this empty void of blackness engulfs me ... .I feel so angry so cheated so used knowing she had been devaluing me and disengaging for 12-24 months all the while biding her time while the resentment built up till she was in a position of strength not needing me anymore and then detaching in the coldest way showing no concern for me or my feelings or even the situation she left me in . just discarded and all I'm left with is her in indeference or anger/resentment ... .

I'm angry I let her blame me for so much over the last 3 years and post BU no matter what I did or how hard I tried to please her it was never enough or never truly appreciated . And in the end she even blamed me for all her unhappiness over the last 6 years ... .insulted me and hurt me . And I can't even rage at her or make her feel the slightest blame , guilt or remorse .

I think if it were not for the damage to my family I'd end it because life after this is just miserable . I needed her I admit it ... .she was my world and now I feel alone adrift in a sea of empty with only black darkness ahead .


To hear someone who idealised me and my every word to tell me they don't respect me "they've grown up"  and that they resent that I don't earn as much as them ... .to ignore all the love , caring loyalty ,friendship ,support and care for her and others around me to be reduced by her to impotent Because I don't earn a 100k plus and I'm no longer her defination of fun /exciting which I was before she met me and in the early years before her , work and all my other responsabilites drained me dry . so that I was not focussed on coming up with new places to take her or making friends for us . I should have guessed after she dumped her last bf for being "boring" and cheating on him ... .Its because she is boring she needs others and things to stimulate her and make her feel happy / alive

I am so, so sorry for your pain... .I think everyone on this board has felt the depth of pain you've described here.  :'( It is so hard when your life falls apart and the person who you feel should be there to help you with the pain is actually the person causing all your pain... .it's brutal.

A couple of things:

1.  Hang in there... .things will get better.  Time WILL help.

2.  :)o you have a therapist?  I would strongly suggest one - processing the end of a BPD relationship is unlike any other experience in life.

3.  Spend time with family and friends - with people who love you.  Even when you don't feel like it.  :)ON'T sit home alone.

4.  Exercise!  And I don't care if it's just a walk around the block - it helps in ways you can't imagine.

5.  Know this:  your life is NOT worthless.  It is NOT over.  At 37 years old you have your whole life ahead of you, and once you get through the pain that you're in now you will be happier and more whole than you've been in a very long time.  Because the truth is, even with the pain that you feel and your thoughts that you want her back, you HAVEN'T been happy in this relationship in a long time.  And you deserve better - you do.  And you'll have it, just hang in there.

How long has it been since the breakup?

[Matt8888]

I can totally relate.  It's been 3 weeks for me.  Just before Christmas.  I hadn't been happy in a long time and was contemplating getting out.  Slowly detatching.  I had made the mistake of moving into an apartment just downstairs from her.  She had talked me into buying an engagement ring.  I knew in all likelyhood, it would never go through.

She could sense I was about to end it.  Well, she beat me to it.  I didn't think I would be in so much pain, but it has been excruciating.  First couple of days I hardly made it out of bed.  Called in from work which I hadn't done in years.

Now its a struggle to make it through the day.  All I think about is her.  Everything I did for her and her kids.  But then I think, what did she ever do for me.  Did she lift me up when I was down.  Never.  It wasn't a recprical relationship.  It was one way.  I thought I was in love, but it really wasn't.

She's moved on without a care in the world.  Had a bunch of orbitors she quickly turned to when I was out of the picture.  Thing is, they know what she's about, and use her on their terms.  No one can stand her rage outbursts for more than a couple of weeks.  I somehow lasted 5 months.  What an idiot I am.  I saw the red flags after a few days.  And this isn't my first round with BPD.  was married to one for a decade.  I had no excuse this time.  Knew what I was dealing with, yet still was manipulated into doing things for her I never should have done. 

She is extremely attractive and I really think that is the only thing that kept me in it.  I always knew I needed to run for the hills.

But I feel for you buddy.  I've had NC for 5 days.  Doesn't seem to be helping much, but hopefully after a month, then 2, then 3, this will get easier.  When you feel down like this, it's hard to do even the simplest tasks.

[dobie]

Its been three months , she blocked me completely from everything two weeks ago I also caught her on dating sites (so much for wanting to be single) thing is she had traits of BPD more a waif /hermit type high functioning and I was happy it was her who could never be happy . I just keep blaming myself maybe if I had taken her out more , not got so annoyed at her bickering and taken the bait etc ... .



I can't process how someone I was in love with for 6/7 years and thought they loved me can be so cold so unfeeling and self centred and just utterly detached .

Matt : so sorry to hear your going through the same thing bro stay strong , these boards help a lot as well you are not alone bud .

[JRT]

sounds like you and I are in similar situations... .My exBPDfiance' was a waif as well and this allowed for what I thought was an excellent relationship... .we recycled a few times but 3 months ago, she did a disappearing act and blocked me from every conceivable way to contact me... .when I tried to go circumvent the blocks, she involved the law (with threats of a PPO even though they would never stand).

I am 48 and it looks likely that I will not see a wife an possibly even a significant other (its a NIGHTMARE dating at this age... .the only way to do it is online... .any most of the women there are a mess) until I am in my 50's. Makes me sad to think about it and enrages me that she took me this far off course (MORE than the 2 years that we were together).

It really took for the anger stage to go into effect for me. We have every right to be angry at them for what they have done to us. In addition, it helped me to realize and accept that while our pain as victims (however severe), will eventually go away. The hell and emptiness that they live in will continue along until their dying days. I have read little if none accounts of recovery here or anywhere else. Maybe I'm a bad guy for taking comfort in thinking this way, but it sure helped me round the corner on recovery.

Hang in there brother and stay tough!

[jhkbuzz]

I can't process how someone I was in love with for 6/7 years and thought they loved me can be so cold so unfeeling and self centred and just utterly detached.

You can't process it because you are trying to do so from your own viewpoint and experiences. 

You will never begin to understand BPD from your own points of reference.  BPD is a disorder of emotional dysregulation.  Extremely painful experiences are split off - pwBPD are very very good at dissociating from overwhelming emotions. It's a survival mechanism they've developed since childhood.

Not so for us, though... .we experience the gut wrenching emotions in all their painful glory.

Not fun, but infinitely more healthy.

[Perdita]

Dobie, I am sorry that you are having such a rough time of it.    It's not easy to have to accept that they never loved you the way you did them.  I know it all seems bleak now.  I am very fresh out of it.  The best thing you can do is to fill your life with other things.  The ache will still be there for a while, but at least give it less space in your heart by filling it with things you love and enjoy.  You loved her, you know you can love.  I know it is hard to think about ever loving again.  I can't imagine it either, but I am going to focus on making myself happy.  I am in my 40s and those things you want seem out of reach to me now too.  So I really do get it when you talk about that feeling of everything you dreamt of slipping away from you.

[Deeno02]

While not in the r/s as long as you(16 months) we had a lot of the same plans. I to was pushed away, emotionally, mentally and verbally abused by her. I'm still not right with it and it's been 5 months. It was ended by text, with a "I finally know what I want". Nice. But it does get better. Slowly, surely, but it does get better.

[oletimefeelin]

I think if it were not for the damage to my family I'd end it because life after this is just miserable . I needed her I admit it ... .she was my world and now I feel alone adrift in a sea of empty with only black darkness ahead .

To hear someone who idealised me and my every word to tell me they don't respect me "they've grown up"  and that they resent that I don't earn as much as them ... .to ignore all the love , caring loyalty ,friendship ,support and care for her and others around me to be reduced by her to impotent Because I don't earn a 100k plus and I'm no

A lot of what you wrote resonated with where I was a few years back.  I realized soon after that I had approached things all wrong.  I mean sure she was chaotic and things were really hard at times, but laying all the blame at her feet felt like me copping out.  I'd encourage you to own your piece as well.

Like you, I made her my whole world.  She was my reason for being.  For a few reasons, I lacked direction before I met her.  Soon after meeting her, she became my direction.  I was lost at sea and had clung onto her as if she were a life preserver.  Whether a woman is borderline or not, this is not attractive at all. 

So when it ended, I set out to find that direction for myself.  As things settle down, I'd encourage you to do the same. 

[JRT]

While not in the r/s as long as you(16 months) we had a lot of the same plans. I to was pushed away, emotionally, mentally and verbally abused by her. I'm still not right with it and it's been 5 months. It was ended by text, with a "I finally know what I want". Nice. But it does get better. Slowly, surely, but it does get better.

Mine also broke up with me via text. In the morning during a workday while traveling, I got the usual kind of texts. THEN, in the mid afternoon, "Our relationship is over... .I have moved out... .do not try to contact me'.

I tried to call her back but she had blocked me from calling, texting, emailing, FB and other social media. I called from the hotel and various family and friends which were met by threats to call the police, lawyers and the like. Its been three months and I have not spoken with her at all.

[downwhim]

It has been 3 months today that my ex fiancé  BPD devalued me. This time saying it is over. He never wanted to get married to me or anyone and we both need to move on. Cold, shocking. After 8 years have not heard one word since.

[JRT]

Sorry to hear... .I'm around 105 days... .I had not heard anything from mine either except through the police and a lawyer (nice, huh?) I was with her for 2 years, I can only imagine your pain after 8 years. I wish that you were not going through this. Did you recycle in the past?

[downwhim]

We dated for 8 months before the first rage. We then broke up 4 months and recycled. Back together for several years with ups and downs then broke up again for 18 months. That is a long time. I should have stayed away. He sent me some stupid email a joke or something and I responded... .from there it was a whirlwind.

He did not date the 18 months we were apart. I did. I met two nice guys but really was not into either one. I dated them both for about 3 months. So, when my ex BPD  emailed it was like, finally... .he is the one I love. It will be better this time! Rose colored glasses.

So, we got engaged within 4 months. He said that was the only way to keep me. After that he had shoulder replacement. I was there for him. In April I had a surgery, he was there for me. We traveled in the summer but the last 2 months he turned on me. Smart comments, cold, distant, painting me from white to black slow... .ly. I felt in constant pain. I remembered there was a girl he took out once during one of our breaks he mentioned. At the time my ex was in early 50's and got braces. He mentioned this woman didn't like them so if it hadn't been for the braces they would date. I am sure this bimbo is who called me two weeks before our break up saying "I am your twin", laughing then hanging up. He had her in the wings even with an engagement. I hate him right now as I type this! A huge waste of my life, my youth and my love... .whew.

[JRT]

Sorry to hear that... .but I thought that you said that he did not date when you were apart?