Thought I was Doing Well...

[Glutton4punishment]

So I went out drinking tonight with friends. It's been 6 months since we broke up, 1 month since I reached out last. Out at the local bar I ran into three people that hadnt heard of our break up. We looked perfect together on FB. They were astounded. Then I ran into a good friend. He said he saw her last night in the same place. He said she was friendly and looked good. I fell apart into a pile of mush and tears. She is BPD and frankly more covert narcissist than anything else. She planned her whole exit strategy to blame everything on me, then acts like everything in the world is fine. I miss her, love her, want to be with her. She hates me, has painted me black. I am a good man, everyone loves and respects me. I have worked hard my whole life to be the best I can be. I can't hold it together. I can't take it anymore. I love her and she hates me. She is a manipulative, lying, half truthing, selfish, hateful b___. And I still love her. I feel like she JUST left me. I don;t know how to kep it together. I paid my bill and drove home. My friends are all wondering where I went. They are saying YOU'RE the catch, not her, what's the big deal? I absolutely loved her. I can't stand the thought of her being friendly with anyone in my life. She seems to be fine. Life goes on... .

[MrConfusedWithItAll]

Sorry to hear of this setback.  These relationships are the most painful when they fall apart.  I can only suggest NC as the way to sever the bond.  It is slow and painful but the only way.  Radical acceptance that it is over.  It is hard to arrive there but we have to make it for our own sanity.  As my Grandfather would say - soldier on.

[Take2]

   I'm so sorry you are going thru this stage Glutton4punishment... .  it's such a difficult recovery to go through.

I know that I can be very strong and moving forward (FINALLY) in life - healing and making healthy choices - only to have the pain hit me out of nowhere and end up feeling exactly as you do... .   I wish I could tell you what takes it away... .time, continued focus on oneself.  For me specifically?  I focus very hard on working out, I finally found the right therapist and I focus on making healthy choices for ME.   It sounds like you did that by paying your bill and leaving last night because staying around to drink probably would have made the problem worse... .  time will help... . 

Remember the Churchill quote... ."If you find yourself going through hell, keep going... ."