Stopped praying for our marriage, I still pray for her. [Christian Discussion]

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Hi everyone,

I am not sure how many Christians there are on the board but I would like to vent a little and maybe get some feedback.

I am a Christian and so is my BPD wife.  She has been her whole life.  My journey is in its infancy and is only 6 years long.  Her Christian beliefs add another layer to our current situation.  The situation is, she left me 6 months ago, I kept working to reconcile and showed my wife unconditional love for most of the separation and we were making ground…I believed we would break down the walls and be together for Christmas.  Just before Christmas I stopped by her place to give her a gift and found her shacked up with my replacement.  I was truly gutted on the spot.

So if I go back to the beginning of our relationship I was not saved and had been separated from my first wife for over a year but had not filed for divorce.  After my current wife pushed and pushed to move in together I finally folded only to have the love tap quickly turned off because “I was still married and we were not married”  I respected this and went on the course of filing for divorce but it was not fast enough and she left.  Found out a few weeks later she was having sexual flings with multiple partners that summer.  And with the current situation she is in an adulterous relationship while still married!

Anyways…cut out a bunch and three years ago we started seeing each other again and we were quickly married.  Maybe not the smartest idea but I thought with that commitment and with God in our marriage how could we fail?  Well life happens and after I disappointed her with a few trivial things the love tap turned off again.  No intimacy or sex for months and months at a time and NO intimacy for the last year of our marriage.  I got to the point of calling her on it scripturally and stated she was going against the word of God.  She shrugged her shoulders and would say…yes I know.

I am so frustrated with how she preaches to people but picks and choses God’s word to fit her own selfish needs.  Tired of hearing that she will feel no condemnation for her actions.  Yes, we should not feel condemnation but we should have conviction about what is right and what is wrong.

Her parents exasperate the situation and even enable her to act like this.  They are Christians too but are so wrapped up in blood moons and the imminent rapture of the church….they are certain it will be this year.  That they and their daughter believe the only important thing now is to save as many people as possible.  This frustrates me because whether Christ comes back in 1 minute or in 1000 years we need to follow the word and love one another, not cast it all aside with a who cares attitude.  They even had their daughter and her new boyfriend stay at their house over Christmas in the same bed while she is married.  Really?

I am frustrated and I know I am judging her and that that is a sin.  The only way I can truly heal is to forgive completely…not there yet but God is working with me.  I guess part of me wants God to bring justice although that is just vengeful.  Trying to let go of the hurt and anger and I will get there.

I know how this is going to play out.   It will not take long but she will start to feel guilty for living as she is and will blame her boyfriend for the adulterous relationship and he will become the devil incarnate.  I have decided on NC and hold to it.  Just dreading the day she shows up and the tune has changed.   I am scared she is already starting to paint me white again and I saw she had posted a prayer for her husband on her social media:

Dear Lord,

I pray for my husband today. May you fill his heart with joy as you remind him of your love for him.  Reveal to him his value and purpose.  I pray that you would build u and transform him into the man you desire him to be.  I pray against temptation that tries to lure his heart into sin.  I claim freedom from bondage and freedom from darkness in Jesus name!  I pray that he matures in his role as a husband.  Equip him to lead us through your ways in Jesus name AMEN!

OK…nice she is praying for me but it scares me because I get a mixed feeling of hope and fear.  It also makes me angry that she is praying that I do not get tempted to sin.  Really?  

Maybe it will not happen but I know her well and I pray that God protects me from all that is not of Him.  I know I am biblically free from her since she committed adultery and maybe it’s God slamming a door.  There is so much damage now that it would take an angel before me telling me to take her back before I could do it.  Miracles happen and I have seen a few.  It would take nothing shy of a miracle now.  I have stopped praying for our marriage, I still pray for her.  That one day she will receive some healing and find contentment in her life.

This is just a vent and I know I just need to stop worrying and trust in Him.  He will bring something good out of this horrible mess, this I know.  Not my will….

The other Christians out there….what was your experience with a BPD spouse?  How can someone have such a strong faith and belief yet act the way they do?

[wavelife]

Hi everyone,

I am not sure how many Christians there are on the board but I would like to vent a little and maybe get some feedback.

I am a Christian and so is my BPD wife.  She has been her whole life.  My journey is in its infancy and is only 6 years long.  Her Christian beliefs add another layer to our current situation.  The situation is, she left me 6 months ago, I kept working to reconcile and showed my wife unconditional love for most of the separation and we were making ground…I believed we would break down the walls and be together for Christmas.  Just before Christmas I stopped by her place to give her a gift and found her shacked up with my replacement.  I was truly gutted on the spot.

So if I go back to the beginning of our relationship I was not saved and had been separated from my first wife for over a year but had not filed for divorce.  After my current wife pushed and pushed to move in together I finally folded only to have the love tap quickly turned off because “I was still married and we were not married”  I respected this and went on the course of filing for divorce but it was not fast enough and she left.  Found out a few weeks later she was having sexual flings with multiple partners that summer.  And with the current situation she is in an adulterous relationship while still married!

Anyways…cut out a bunch and three years ago we started seeing each other again and we were quickly married.  Maybe not the smartest idea but I thought with that commitment and with God in our marriage how could we fail?  Well life happens and after I disappointed her with a few trivial things the love tap turned off again.  No intimacy or sex for months and months at a time and NO intimacy for the last year of our marriage.  I got to the point of calling her on it scripturally and stated she was going against the word of God.  She shrugged her shoulders and would say…yes I know.

I am so frustrated with how she preaches to people but picks and choses God’s word to fit her own selfish needs.  Tired of hearing that she will feel no condemnation for her actions.  Yes, we should not feel condemnation but we should have conviction about what is right and what is wrong.

Her parents exasperate the situation and even enable her to act like this.  They are Christians too but are so wrapped up in blood moons and the imminent rapture of the church….they are certain it will be this year.  That they and their daughter believe the only important thing now is to save as many people as possible.  This frustrates me because whether Christ comes back in 1 minute or in 1000 years we need to follow the word and love one another, not cast it all aside with a who cares attitude.  They even had their daughter and her new boyfriend stay at their house over Christmas in the same bed while she is married.  Really?

I am frustrated and I know I am judging her and that that is a sin.  The only way I can truly heal is to forgive completely…not there yet but God is working with me.  I guess part of me wants God to bring justice although that is just vengeful.  Trying to let go of the hurt and anger and I will get there.

I know how this is going to play out.   It will not take long but she will start to feel guilty for living as she is and will blame her boyfriend for the adulterous relationship and he will become the devil incarnate.  I have decided on NC and hold to it.  Just dreading the day she shows up and the tune has changed.   I am scared she is already starting to paint me white again and I saw she had posted a prayer for her husband on her social media:

Dear Lord,

I pray for my husband today. May you fill his heart with joy as you remind him of your love for him.  Reveal to him his value and purpose.  I pray that you would build u and transform him into the man you desire him to be.  I pray against temptation that tries to lure his heart into sin.  I claim freedom from bondage and freedom from darkness in Jesus name!  I pray that he matures in his role as a husband.  Equip him to lead us through your ways in Jesus name AMEN!

OK…nice she is praying for me but it scares me because I get a mixed feeling of hope and fear.  It also makes me angry that she is praying that I do not get tempted to sin.  Really?  

Maybe it will not happen but I know her well and I pray that God protects me from all that is not of Him.  I know I am biblically free from her since she committed adultery and maybe it’s God slamming a door.  There is so much damage now that it would take an angel before me telling me to take her back before I could do it.  Miracles happen and I have seen a few.  It would take nothing shy of a miracle now.  I have stopped praying for our marriage, I still pray for her.  That one day she will receive some healing and find contentment in her life.

This is just a vent and I know I just need to stop worrying and trust in Him.  He will bring something good out of this horrible mess, this I know.  Not my will….

The other Christians out there….what was your experience with a BPD spouse?  How can someone have such a strong faith and belief yet act the way they do?

[Skip]

So if I go back to the beginning of our relationship I was not saved and had been separated from my first wife for over a year but had not filed for divorce.  After my current wife pushed and pushed to move in together I finally folded only to have the love tap quickly turned off because “I was still married and we were not married”  I respected this and went on the course of filing for divorce but it was not fast enough and she left.  Found out a few weeks later she was having sexual flings with multiple partners that summer.  And with the current situation she is in an adulterous relationship while still married!

There is a lot of brokenness in the foundation of this relationship and a lesson to be learned.

Where do you think is God leading you in all of this?

[wavelife]

You are right Skip.

The foundation was never built.  Although I forgave her for what she did to me during our first go around, it felt like the more she abused me it just opened up old scars and hurt from the past.  The same cycle just reappeared.

I don't know where God is leading me on this anymore.  Its pretty quiet.

Through the marriage I believed with all my heart that if we put God first that real healing and transformation would happen.  I forgave, I loved, I tried so hard.

I don't know.

I know I need to forgive

I need to heal

I need to let go and trust in Him

[Targeted]

I am a Christian, not a perfect one either. I do not go to church every Sunday but I fully believe in God. I Do my best to try and live and treat others as I think God would like and I know I do not do that without mistakes or sin on my end because I am not perfect. The level of forgiveness that I have for people is definitely a gift God gave me, my ex goes to church most every Sunday, I think she believes that one hour absolves her for the other 167 hours in the week. I think They only have a idea of Christianity and try to mirror that outward to make themselves look better, it's like what they do in a relationship when they mirror you. My ex claims to be a good Christian woman and goes to church on Sunday, but during the week she will sleep with whoever smiles at her and has a long history of failed relationships with many many men and all of her children have different fathers, does that sound like a good Christian woman? Who is the better Christian here her or I? She may go to church on Sunday but look at her actions, I looked past her past mistakes and just loved her and actually wound up forgiving her for many things during the relationship that not many people would.  I am proud to be a imperfect Christian,  if you would like a good book to read that is Christian orientated about forgiveness I recommend. " The Shack ". I forget the name of the author what the book is about forgiving someone that has done you wrong and it is okay to choose to not have a relationship with that person any more.  It is a great read!

[wavelife]

Thanks Targeted,

Wow sounds like your ex and mine may be the same person

The Shack is an incredible book and was the book that started by walk with God.  I have given out many copies to friends and family.

I feel like I have been able to forgive and let go a lot in my life.  Hard to forgive myself but I have gotten much better at that too.  Struggling with the hurt and anger inside but I am healing at an accelerated pace compared to other points in my life.  I know that comes from Him.  If I was not leaning on him I dread to think what my life would be like.  He is providing so much strength to me.  I will forgive and let go... .going to take a little time but I will get there.