Weird Thing

[captainp]

There is one event in my relationship with my exgf that has been really sticking in my brain.  It was just a really weird incident, and I can't make sense of it.  I'm just going to throw it out there and see what you guys think:

One day we were at her apartment, standing in her kitchen -- and she pulled a little scrap of cloth out a cupboard, holding it very carefully.  She held it like a very delicate treasure, and walked over and showed it to me.  She held it flat in her palm when she presented it to me.  Then she told me it was part of a blanket she had when she was really young, and honestly had the look of a small child on her face when she said it.  She started stroking it and petting it, and then put it away somewhere.  I actually thought it was kind of cute at the time. 

Again, really weird.  I tend to think of this event when I start feeling angry to remind myself that she is, in fact, sick -- and not a horrible person.  Her illness simply compels her to do horrible things.

I think that maybe that scrap of cloth represents a time when she still felt like a whole person.  I feel like she was showing me her "real self" by showing me weird little piece of cloth.  Does that make sense?

Anyway, I feel bad for her.  Don't want her back in my life, but I still feel bad for her. 

[Elpis]

I'd imagine that piece of her childhood blanket brought back a feeling that was positive and safe. People say that it's hell inside the head of a pwBPD, God knows I've felt it was hell in my head with my complex ptsd but at least i'm finally getting better. I have a blanket from childhood that my favorite grandma made me (but I have the whole thing ) that spoke Love to me since it reminded me of that one person who did indeed love me unconditionally.

People with BPD come from a place of deep hurt, and out of that comes their "need" for self-protection that often translates to causing pain for those of us who love them. It's quite sad, as you point out.

[Hazelrah]

Anyway, I feel bad for her.  Don't want her back in my life, but I still feel bad for her. 

This is a healthy approach to the situation.  I have compassion for my pwBPD, while maintaining NC.  Living with BPD is surely a tortured existence.  What did Marsha Linehan liken it to... .feeling as if you had no skin after experiencing a fire (something like that--I'm too lazy to look it up)?  Seeing it first hand, I believe it wholeheartedly, as my ex surely lived in constant pain. 

I thought I was slightly damaged goods, but she was the real deal... .and a truly damaged person can, in turn, damage the very best of us.  So while I still feel sorrow for her, I choose to do it from afar.

[captainp]

Anyway, I feel bad for her.  Don't want her back in my life, but I still feel bad for her. 

This is a healthy approach to the situation. 

I think it's the only way you *can* deal with a situation like this.  This is different from just dating an awful person.  They are not awful people.  Would you get mad and think hateful thoughts towards a cancer patient?  These people essentially have cancer of the soul. 

You may not have the ability to handle being around a person with a serious illness, but it's wrong to hate them for being sick.

[Perdita]

They are not awful people.  Would you get mad and think hateful thoughts towards a cancer patient?  These people essentially have cancer of the soul.  

You may not have the ability to handle being around a person with a serious illness, but it's wrong to hate them for being sick.

Cancer patients have never caused me pain or been cruel to me; no need to have hateful thoughts towards them.  My exBPDbf on the other hand used me up, treated me like trash and then painted me black to everyone. I have no desire anymore to feel compassionate towards him cause he has a mental illness.  That time has come and gone for me.  The more I think about how good I was to him and how horribly he treated me, especially towards the end, the more I feel that he can go straight to hell for all I care.

[willtimeheal]

They are not awful people.  Would you get mad and think hateful thoughts towards a cancer patient?  These people essentially have cancer of the soul.  

You may not have the ability to handle being around a person with a serious illness, but it's wrong to hate them for being sick.

Cancer patients have never caused me pain or been cruel to me; no need to have hateful thoughts towards them.  My exBPDbf on the other hand used me up, treated me like trash and then painted me black to everyone. I have no desire anymore to feel compassionate towards him cause he has a mental illness.  That time has come and gone for me.  The more I think about how good I was to him and how horribly he treated me, especially towards the end, the more I feel that he can go straight to hell for all I care.

I can agree with Perdita to some extent on this.  A cancer patient gets the help they need to deal with their illness. A BPD refuses   to get help if they know  they have a problem. It's really not fair to compare the two.

[Jack2727]

Was her name Amanda by any chance? LOL

[captainp]

Was her name Amanda by any chance? LOL

Nope! 

And as far as the cancer patient is concerned, although the way the illness manifests itself is different, it is still an illness.  Cancer causes a person to waste away and die.  BPD causes a person to hurt the people who care about them. 

People are still responsible for their actions, and it's OK to be angry at them for what they did to you.  But it is still important to remember that they are not evil people.

[bunnyrabit]

But it is still important to remember that they are not evil people.

Hmm... .

e·vil  (ē′vəl)

adj. e·vil·er, e·vil·est

1. Morally bad or wrong; wicked: an evil tyrant.

2. Causing ruin, injury, or pain; harmful: the evil effects of a poor diet.

[captainp]

Touche'.

[Healing0602]

... .Then she told me it was part of a blanket she had when she was really young, and honestly had the look of a small child on her face when she said it. 

... .I feel like she was showing me her "real self" by showing me weird little piece of cloth.  Does that make sense?

Anyway, I feel bad for her.  Don't want her back in my life, but I still feel bad for her. 

I completely understand this.  The first time I saw the 'look of a small child' in my exBPD was immediately after a rage... .he started crying and told me "I'm sick"... .he said that a few times then said "I don't know what to do"... .and he almost melted into my arms like a child, crying.  Another time I distinctly remember him going directly from a rage to a fetal position on the floor, like a child.  I, too, felt like this was a rare glimpse into his "real self". 

I know that he was abused as a child, and I always wonder if that was, in a way, reverting back to the pain of his childhood.

I feel bad for him also, my heart breaks for him, and that little boy that was abused  :'( I want nothing but the best for him.  I can't make that happen, but I want the best for him. 

[HappyNihilist]

I think that maybe that scrap of cloth represents a time when she still felt like a whole person.  I feel like she was showing me her "real self" by showing me weird little piece of cloth.  Does that make sense?

In general, pwBPD don't have memories of feeling like "a whole person," because they've never felt that way. Because of the attachment disorders underlying BPD (75-90% of dBPD show disturbed attachment patterns), pwBPD were never able to develop that feeling of being a whole person, of having a sense of self.

I agree with Elpis... .

I'd imagine that piece of her childhood blanket brought back a feeling that was positive and safe.

My exBPDbf had certain things that were his "happy triggers" -- Twilight Zone, an ancient blanket, etc. Just like "bad triggers" would take him right back to his trauma, these "happy triggers" would take him back to a place where he felt safe and not-miserable.

Weirdly enough, he told me that I made him feel this way, too (I doubt I still do  )... .he often said I made him feel "a deep sense of nostalgia." I really didn't get it at the time.

People with BPD come from a place of deep hurt, and out of that comes their "need" for self-protection that often translates to causing pain for those of us who love them. It's quite sad, as you point out.

This is so true.

Anyway, I feel bad for her.  Don't want her back in my life, but I still feel bad for her. 

captainp, I think this is a very positive way to feel, personally. We can love and empathize with people while at the same time recognizing they're not good for us.   

[letmeout]

But it is still important to remember that they are not evil people.

Hmm... .

e·vil  (ē′vəl)

adj. e·vil·er, e·vil·est

1. Morally bad or wrong; wicked: an evil tyrant.

2. Causing ruin, injury, or pain; harmful:

Yep, I could describe my BPDexh that way. I feel sorry for him because of his illness and I don't hate him. However, lately he has been telling everyone that he wants to get back with me, but nothing has changed. He is still messed up and always will be. I know better than to ever break no-contact!