She has split me white. How to start out right?

[Depression = 72% of members]

Some of you will remember my story but here is the background:

Been together for 3 years.

She left me in 2013 after major dysregulation.  Moved 1000 miles away just not to see me.  After 5 months we got back together.  She moved back in with me.

October 2014 she started dysregulation.  Was because she believed I had an emotional affair with my best friend of 20 years.  I agreed to end my friendship for sake of my relationship.  pwBPDgf was happy for a few days but then said a little too late.  Major push/pull behavior for rest of month. 

November 2014 she moved out.

The holidays was terrible.  We had a holiday planned together but I ended up going alone.   She sent me daily texts messages which were extremely hurtful.  She was so angry she said if she saw me she would kill me.  I knew that she was struggling with her decision and that’s why I was getting the verbal abuse.  I remained calm and didn’t engage in any fights or ugly texts.  I kept my side of the street clean.   

She came back from holiday and visited an energy healer.  He found something “on” her which was a bad influence.  When she said this to me I thought “wow, she is blaming a demon now.  Still not taking any responsibility”.    I didn’t tell her this and just ignored the text messages.  She kept sending texts daily but now it was nice friendly texts. 

Fast forward a week later and she said she wants to come over and collect her stuff.  She is ready to see me and not angry anymore.  I have been begging her almost two months to see her and my dogs.  So off course I agreed.  She has completely painted me white.   We had a wonderful time together and she has hinted that she wants to get back together.   I have stayed strong in saying no.  I can’t do a third recycle.  To me this is unhealthy. 

Today she is owning up to all her mistakes and saying what needs to be done in therapy.   We both have our issues.  And I also owned up to mine.  It is strange that all this time I knew she would be back.  But I still got very hurt by her leaving a second time.  Now she is saying how she failed me twice.  How I deserve better.  And she is validating me and everything I wanted over the last year. 

I obviously love her a lot and understand the push/pull cycle.  I know what is her issues and what is the BPD traits.  I want to jump back in but I don’t want to have weak boundaries.  I want her (and myself) to know that I won’t tolerate being treated like that ever again.  How do I do that?

Should I suggest couples therapy?  Should we first try and just be friends?  Should we do individual therapy and just start dating again?  I know one thing for sure and that is we will live separately for a long time till I am 100% comfortable.   And we have a lot of issues to work out before that will happen.

Thanks for listening. 

[itgirl]

Some of you will remember my story but here is the background:

Been together for 3 years.

She left me in 2013 after major dysregulation.  Moved 1000 miles away just not to see me.  After 5 months we got back together.  She moved back in with me.

October 2014 she started dysregulation.  Was because she believed I had an emotional affair with my best friend of 20 years.  I agreed to end my friendship for sake of my relationship.  pwBPDgf was happy for a few days but then said a little too late.  Major push/pull behavior for rest of month. 

November 2014 she moved out.

The holidays was terrible.  We had a holiday planned together but I ended up going alone.   She sent me daily texts messages which were extremely hurtful.  She was so angry she said if she saw me she would kill me.  I knew that she was struggling with her decision and that’s why I was getting the verbal abuse.  I remained calm and didn’t engage in any fights or ugly texts.  I kept my side of the street clean.   

She came back from holiday and visited an energy healer.  He found something “on” her which was a bad influence.  When she said this to me I thought “wow, she is blaming a demon now.  Still not taking any responsibility”.    I didn’t tell her this and just ignored the text messages.  She kept sending texts daily but now it was nice friendly texts. 

Fast forward a week later and she said she wants to come over and collect her stuff.  She is ready to see me and not angry anymore.  I have been begging her almost two months to see her and my dogs.  So off course I agreed.  She has completely painted me white.   We had a wonderful time together and she has hinted that she wants to get back together.   I have stayed strong in saying no.  I can’t do a third recycle.  To me this is unhealthy. 

Today she is owning up to all her mistakes and saying what needs to be done in therapy.   We both have our issues.  And I also owned up to mine.  It is strange that all this time I knew she would be back.  But I still got very hurt by her leaving a second time.  Now she is saying how she failed me twice.  How I deserve better.  And she is validating me and everything I wanted over the last year. 

I obviously love her a lot and understand the push/pull cycle.  I know what is her issues and what is the BPD traits.  I want to jump back in but I don’t want to have weak boundaries.  I want her (and myself) to know that I won’t tolerate being treated like that ever again.  How do I do that?

Should I suggest couples therapy?  Should we first try and just be friends?  Should we do individual therapy and just start dating again?  I know one thing for sure and that is we will live separately for a long time till I am 100% comfortable.   And we have a lot of issues to work out before that will happen.

Thanks for listening. 

[PLEASE - NO RUN MESSAGES]

PLEASE - NO RUN MESSAGES This is a high level discussion board for solving ongoing, day-to-day relationship conflicts. Members may appear frustrated but they are here for constructive solutions to problems. This is not a place for relationship "stay" or "leave" discussions. Please read the specific guidelines for this group.

[Grey Kitty]

  You've got tough choices. Funny how the being painted white isn't any more 'real' than being painted black, and while it is a lot easier... .it still doesn't feel 'right'.

Should I suggest couples therapy?

Dunno. It has a fairly poor track record with pwBPD. It may help, but isn't a magic bullet.

Should we first try and just be friends?

You can, but expect all the push-pull and other dynamics of your old r/s to show up from her. Kinda like before, without the sex.

You will probably find that the strong boundaries you need to be in a romantic r/s with her will be needed for a friendship too.

Should we do individual therapy and just start dating again?

Individual T could probably help you both. Go lightly with pushing it on her.

I want her (and myself) to know that I won’t tolerate being treated like that ever again.  How do I do that?

Focus on your side of it. On learning about your values, and deciding that you are worth protecting from behavior like that. And on your role in accepting that behavior from her.

[itgirl]

Thanks GK.  Things are going great and off course I am being love bombed which is great.  Bad thing is that she has told her family so much distorted facts about me that they would not be happy that we are back in contact.  It is a tough road ahead.

I decided to just work on me and see where that leads us.  And let's just say I will be reading the lessons over again so I am armed and ready.

Maybe we can become a success story. 

[Heldfast]

I have started working on me, but I always told friends my answers to her questions, if I were ever split white again were as follows:

1) Do you want to be friends? No.

2) Do you want to be lovers? No.

3) I want you back but know I have a problem to work on. YES.

While it seems a very, very tough road to travel, there is a rate of assistance and normalizing BPDs. In some cases, through treatment, it seems like there has been no reoccurence. In others, it's not as successful. Have you read the big three: I Hate You, Don't Leave Me, Stop Walking on Eggshells, and Loving Someone With Borderline Personality Disorder. I'd recommend all so you are perfectly clear about what this road is (as much as you can be anyway). And read something for yourself, I just started "The Mastery of Love" by Don Miguel Ruiz. It seems that if both of you are in the mind to healing, and given the history, it's worth a try. At worst, you know the pitfalls now, and hopefull, will love yourself enough that you can forgive her the next split, but also be there to nurture her along as she helps herself. It's up to you. Good luck.

[Grey Kitty]

I decided to just work on me and see where that leads us.  And let's just say I will be reading the lessons over again so I am armed and ready.

Fantastic plan!

I hope it goes well for you.

(And I hope that you are happy with whatever your r/s with her turns into)

[Heldfast]

Ok, your timing on this is one hell of a coincidence. Just got 20 minutes of back and forth, normal conversation texting. I think I just got split white.

[JRT]

If I were in the same situation and it were 10,20, or 30 years later, it would drive me crazy to be thinking 'what if' (especially if I was not in a fulfilling r/s. It sounds like yours has become aware and with that acknowledgement and willingness, there is hope. I wish the best for you both and hope that you make a decision that works for both of you.

I have a question though. When she moved a 1000 miles to be away from you, I wonder if you were ever really able to delve into that after the fact much? Mine blocked me from contact after she disappeared and I have not spoken with her. I am thinking that this behavior fits into the same category. Di she ever explain why she was motivated to do so?

[Notwendy]

Being split "white" makes me uncomfortable. I think GK said it well- it doesn't feel real. Of course it feels good to have the love and connection, but to me, the wheel turns and I feel as if getting turned "black" at some point is inevitable.

I think acceptance includes knowing that both of these are likely to happen and that we have no control over when that happens since it is more about them than us.

As kids to a BPD mom, of course we loved being the favorite kid and were not so sympathetic that this also meant another kid would be painted black.

Now that we are adults and understand this we are able to stay detatched from this. In fact, sometimes we joke about switching the roles, and tell the "white" child - "you're it!" - It meaning the one who can be in a good relationship with mom at the moment. We do try to maintain a good relationship with her and so sharing this helps some.

One of my boundaries with mom is to refuse to discuss another sibling behind their backs so as not to participate in this.