Looking at my own behaviour

[Aussie JJ]

Hmmmm,

I have been a bit quite at present on this board, I am unsure if this is a personal inventory thread or one for here, this is the more active forum so I was hoping for some feedback.  

Sort of reading but made a pledge to myself a while ago and also new years promise to not read any more stuff on BPD unless I had to do with court to outline behaviours (custody for son).  I know all I need to about BPD form the reading and more than anything, I lived with it and will have to deal with it for a long time to come.  Really noticed how unhealthy I was at being able to sort through her motivations and break it down.  One thing understanding BPD, but what about myself?

Anyway, I posted a while ago essentially looking at my own pattern of behaviour.  What have I done previously that has made me this 'enabler' and also what was my thinking when I was making these choices.  I sort of realise at times I didnt have a huge amount of choice, also in saying this I am choosing to blame someone else and not be accountable for those choices I made.  

Peronal accountability sucks right... .

Anyway, I made choices, they are mine to own.  What is my pattern of behaviour, what has been unhealthy for me in the past.  What do i want to change.  Very confronting topics, sort of looking at your own faults and trying to find solutions.  

Well, I have my P early next week.  I had an appointment this week that he had to cancel due to going to court for another client of his, so he called last night just to run through some things I asked him, check up basically.  He asked me what is one thing, if I am unhappy with that I have done previously that I want to change when I bought this up with him.  One thing, choose one thing that I have done previously that I want change in the future.  Sort of got me thinking, not an indiividual thing or occurance he stressed but something that I have done multiple times, repetition compulsion!  Something pwBPD and everyone else in the population does.  When in an uncomfortable situation we repeat a behaviour to get out of it, even if unhealthy that has soothed us previously.  

I then got told it's important to be critical with this but also honest with myself with my motivations, understand why I have done this.  If I dont understand it I cant change it.  Seven minutes on the phone has me really questioning myself here, what have been my motivations with stuff previously.  :)ont be ashamed, accept what you have done previously and work to changing that behaviour.  

Well, I haven't said no when I should have previously.  Personal boundary's.  I havent stood up for my own beleifs and I have chosen to let others dictate situations in unhealthy ways.  

Why have I done this, my motivations.  Well, I dont like conflict however I havent stepped back from situations where conflict has escalated, I have sort of seen I am good at resolving these situations.  This is another pattern of behaviour, makign problems mine to fix.  

So I came with two things, I often try to avoid conflict by enabling other opinions or accepting them even when they are incorect.  Secondly, I dont escalate very well, I dont walk away from these situations when I should, not my problem really someone elses yet I want to resolve it for them.  So there are two polar extreames here.  Finding a healthy balance with being assertive in these situations, standing up for myself and also when stressful situations do escalate what is a healthy way to deal with these situations, step back or stay engaged?  

I recognise with work that I have actually removed myself from a lot of the situations that required this escalation, I dont enjoy it so I changed jobs within the industry.  So that was a healthy choice, it took me way to long to make this change though.  

So how am I going to change this in the future.  

I'm still essentially in the same industry.  I'm working towards a new career already, that is a healthy choice.  Until then, instead of escalating, I'll walk away and just accept what I am doing for what it is.  it is a pay check.  Nothing more, I'm not invested in this career any more.  I can see that, I know its a healthy choice.  So be it.  

I feel alot better for this.  Really standing up for myself and making a change that is big and long term.  Is this healthy for me, yes, uncomfortable, yes.  It's somethign compleatly out fo the box so to speak.  My father whom has often been a god sounding board for these things sort of told me I was incorrect in what I was doing (invalidated it).  That is his opinion, however I see patterns in his behaviour that are similar to mine.  He stayed in a safe, stable job for the family that he isnt invested in, he stayed for the paycheck.  Isn't happy with, it is stable, however does it give him that forflilment.  I'm not going to ask him this.  That is sort of being judgemental and critical where it isnt my place to be, his life his choices.  So my life my choices.  

So this has affected me in every aspect really, I am changeing the work aspect, goign through court with someone who doesnt want to bargain at all, workign through that high conflict situation.  

I cant walk away from this one because it is my relationship with my son that is on the lines here.  Now concentrating on managing this conflict in a healthy way.  Not escalating it.  

What is your pattern of behaviour?  I'm really only just starting to look at my own pattern of behaviour in different situations and yet to understand my own reasoning in the se situations.  Any other opinions would be appreciated, others views even.  

Thanks for reading love, peace and war for those who have.  Even more thanks for your own 2 cents here!  


AJJ.  

[vortex of confusion]

What a great topic! I have been trying to figure out what damage I did in this relationship because of my behavior patterns.

The one thing that sticks out for me is that I haven't consistently spoken my truth. When pushed, I tend to compromise too easily even though there are times when I shouldn't have. I can think of two or three really big events that have happened in the last 16 years where I should have spoken my truth and stood up for it rather than compromising. I was so afraid of dealing with the fall out that I buckled.

[Mutt]

Congrats Aussie JJ for making a career change. I think that's very brave and it's a big transitional phase as well with potential high conflict in court. It must be a lot! I hope you find time to take care of yourself.

Taking care of myself was foreign to me, I was busy taking care of others, fixing problems and forgoing my needs.

You listed some similarities like avoidance, whereas I'm trying to learn how to communicate instead of falling back on avoidance. Working softer boundaries has been more so challenging for myself than putting up very high boundaries where I completely lacked boundaries or had floating / flexible boundaries. Not everyone is like my ex and have to put high fences, lower fences as well.

At the top of my list that's plagued me my entire life since childbirth ( adoptee ) fear of abandonment and abandonment issues and trusting people and intimacy. I think boundaries help here as they let healthier people closer to me and it doesn't let the more toxic people in. It's something I would like to work on. Go figure I married a woman with abandonment fears albeit much more powerful and crippling for her. If I think about it, a recipe for disaster. A pattern I can work on and tune.

[AwakenedOne]

I'll add one of mine.

I have a tendency to worry about things too much and get stressed out easily about whatever that may be about. During the relationship and even before. I'm sure this got on her nerves. Since our split I have been working on this and to a large extent succeeding in just relaxing and taking things one day at a time and having the belief that everything will be ok. Not getting overly stressed out I feel helps me show more of a faith that God is in control of things.

[Pingo]

Gosh, I have many repetitive unhealthy behaviours!  Any way to avoid difficult feelings!  One thing I discussed today with my T, something I related to here in another thread is that I feel empathy for my abusers!  Why?  Perhaps to avoid actually having to enforce my boundaries.  To avoid confrontation.  To sweep things under the rug and stay in denial.  To not have to cut ties with the person I love.  It's all about distraction and then denial... .I tell myself that what they did was not nice/hurts me/is selfish but they went through this and that as a child, I make excuses for them and I end up feeling sorry for them instead of saying that what they did was not nice/hurts me/is selfish... .AND NEEDS TO STOP RIGHT NOW!  I did this with my ubPDexh, my mother and most recently my daughter.  I'm learning!

[Aussie JJ]

The one thing that sticks out for me is that I haven't consistently spoken my truth. When pushed, I tend to compromise too easily even though there are times when I shouldn't have. I can think of two or three really big events that have happened in the last 16 years where I should have spoken my truth and stood up for it rather than compromising. I was so afraid of dealing with the fall out that I buckled.

This is verbatim a bit of my pattern VoC, I dont stand up for essentially what is/was? the correct thign to do from my perspectives.  I can't explain it better than to say I allowed myself to be placed into compromising positions.  Positions that I look back and I had a choice to be there.  I went along, didn't question and that was me that allowed it.  So it's on me in the future.  Just little things like saying no every so often, really healthy long term even if their is a bit of pain then and there.  Something I havent looked at from that perspective before. 

Congrats Aussie JJ for making a career change. I think that's very brave and it's a big transitional phase as well with potential high conflict in court. It must be a lot! I hope you find time to take care of yourself.

Not 100 % there yet Mutt, just acknowledging that I have to do it.  I have spent (my pattern of behaviour here) the last 10 years working for financial goals.  Nothing wrong with that, I understand money/wealth quite well.  I'm just changing my perspective.  I would prefer to go to a job in the future (25% of your life is spent at work + overtime!) where I am going their to learn, love and enjoy what I am doing. 

Taking care of myself was foreign to me, I was busy taking care of others, fixing problems and forgoing my needs.

You listed some similarities like avoidance, whereas I'm trying to learn how to communicate instead of falling back on avoidance. Working softer boundaries has been more so challenging for myself than putting up very high boundaries where I completely lacked boundaries or had floating / flexible boundaries. Not everyone is like my ex and have to put high fences, lower fences as well.

I think avoidance is somethign I havent looked at yet.  Although it has been a big thing, mixing avoiding my own issues alogn with concentrating on others problems... .  When have I ever looked after myself properly ?  Externally I may look happy in many respects, and I am in so many.  However I can do better I just havent been striving to be the best person I can be in many respects.  Avoiding those very issues that are mine. 

In regards to boundarys, I got told about 2 months ago by my P, its a learning experience.  You will spend your whole life learning it, why be harsh on yourself when you make a mistake?  Learn from it, adapt go on and thrive.  I'm not at the thrive part of the equation however I'll get there. 

At the top of my list that's plagued me my entire life since childbirth ( adoptee ) fear of abandonment and abandonment issues and trusting people and intimacy. I think boundaries help here as they let healthier people closer to me and it doesn't let the more toxic people in. It's something I would like to work on. Go figure I married a woman with abandonment fears albeit much more powerful and crippling for her. If I think about it, a recipe for disaster. A pattern I can work on and tune.

I am struggling a bit to understand myself the, what/when/who/how sort of questions. 

What have i got myself into here. 

Why did I pick this person to open up to. 

Who do I trust now. 

How do I fix this.  (Is it even my problem to fix?) 

Well, cant control her only myself right, can influence other people however cant change them.  Why no concentrate on myself form now on.  That is the only pattern that I can really work on and tune. 

I have a tendency to worry about things too much and get stressed out easily about whatever that may be about. During the relationship and even before. I'm sure this got on her nerves. Since our split I have been working on this and to a large extent succeeding in just relaxing and taking things one day at a time and having the belief that everything will be ok. Not getting overly stressed out I feel helps me show more of a faith that God is in control of things.

It's the detachment process from what I'm reading.  Really is one day at a time like your saying AO.  I am a long way off, still have my tendancies to want to correct, save, rescue.  All of those things that in the past have been my pattern of behaviour, was I helping others or enabling them... .  What is healthy for me going forward.  All very tough questions that I and everyone who asks them of themselves have to look within themselves to answer. 

All the power to you for this buddy.  It isnt easy.   

Gosh, I have many repetitive unhealthy behaviours!  Any way to avoid difficult feelings!  One thing I discussed today with my T, something I related to here in another thread is that I feel empathy for my abusers!  Why?  Perhaps to avoid actually having to enforce my boundaries.  To avoid confrontation.  To sweep things under the rug and stay in denial.  To not have to cut ties with the person I love.

Pingo, somethign my P told me and I have kept saying it to myself.  To have empathy in an abusive relationship is to say that that behaviour is acceptable and that you deserve to be abused. 

I know I dont deserve it anymore.  All of those reasons you list are my same reasons!  But I love her!  I dont want to fight, so I'll let this one go!  Denial Denial Denail.  End of the day you are denying yourself somethign that is the most precious of things.  Taking care of yourself and meeting your needs. 

It's all about distraction and then denial... .I tell myself that what they did was not nice/hurts me/is selfish but they went through this and that as a child, I make excuses for them and I end up feeling sorry for them instead of saying that what they did was not nice/hurts me/is selfish... .AND NEEDS TO STOP RIGHT NOW!  I did this with my ubPDexh, my mother and most recently my daughter.  I'm learning!

That last bit is all that matters. 

Fall off a 100 times and make sure you get back on the horse 100 and 1 times and keep on learning.  Eventually you will get there.   

Wow, I can relate to so much of this.  Just individually, things that I need to keep reminding myself.  I deserve that respect and the person who can give it to me isn't someone else, I am the most important person and have to respect myself enough first.  Be healthy myself. 

Ready to write a logn rant here!  Thankyou for feedback everyone. 


AJJ. 

[Hadlee]

Well done AJJ.  This is a great topic

I have discovered a lot about myself due to the friendship with the BPD.  Some things I'm not proud of, and to be honest, it has been hard to admit to myself let alone anyone else.

Boundaries - what are they?  I realized I have never lived my life with any form of boundaries in place.  

I am a caretaker and need to be needed.  What I once thought to be a good quality - giving to others, being kind, and putting others needs before my own - I see it now that by doing those things, I felt needed.  That was the payoff.

Fear of abandonment - I always knew I had this, but being friends with the BPD really brought this to the surface.

The need for drama - this is a tough one.  I am currently at this point in the review of myself.  This past week has been quiet on the BPD front and I realized that I started to miss the drama What the heck!  I was bored.  Rather then enjoy the peace and quiet, I found myself having obsessive thoughts about the BPD.  Going over and over and over again in my mind about things she has said and done.  Crazy, I know!  I am embarrassed to admit that!

Whilst I've come a long way, I feel I'm in the early days of healing.  I still find myself getting caught up in trying to work out the BPD's actions rather than solely focusing on myself.  Hoping that time and distance from the BPD will bring me the  peace and clarity I want  

[Tibbles]

For me its working out what I want, what my boundary is and stating it. I don't do that as a way of avoiding conflict. If I have no opinion/boundary I can adapt and change as needed to avoid conflict. I do that at work, with my kids, my family and did it with my ex. Not healthy. When I first started Therapy my T asked me questions about my boundaries and I had none. Last session she asked me what are some things I want out of life and I was able to list quite a few, with strength and clarity. Progress.

I had a chance before Christmas to put this growth into action with my ex and didn't. No progress when in a stressful situation. At least I can analyse my old patterns and acknowledge them and see how they landed me in a big conflict. I have noticed a change in me in safe environments and that feels good. I am able to have opinions, recognise  and articulate my boundaries and am much more confident and happy. Two steps forward and one step back on the progress front. Still a long way to go but it feels good to be discovering me again.

[Trog]

Having to resolve everything Now Now Now

[Aussie JJ]

For me its working out what I want, what my boundary is and stating it. I don't do that as a way of avoiding conflict. If I have no opinion/boundary I can adapt and change as needed to avoid conflict. I do that at work, with my kids, my family and did it with my ex. Not healthy. When I first started Therapy my T asked me questions about my boundaries and I had none. Last session she asked me what are some things I want out of life and I was able to list quite a few, with strength and clarity. Progress.

Yea, that is a better way of expressing it than I have actually.  Much the same, nothing wrong with having boundarys that are flexible however I tend to be flexible myself and enable others acttions while neglecting myself and my beleifs. 

Their tends to be a theame amogst all of us where this is a problem in some way shape or form.  With a pwBPD those boundarys get steam rolled constantly.  Not a normal situation however we get an education in boundaries!

Thanks for joining in.  I like your way of putting it, a lot clearer IMO. 


AJJ.