Intro, ending contact with BPD in law

[Our abuse recovery guide]

My mother-in-law is not officially diagnosed as BPD but we have seen 3 different family therapists who feel that she fits the diagnosis. My husband's sister is also personality disordered and due to her manipulations and harmful behavior, we have not had any contact with her for 3 years and intend on it staying this way.

The years of how my MIL has treated my husband is starting to cause even more emotional trauma. We have tried to maintain a relationship but things are getting more strained. It's hard to give examples as it feels like she is able to manipulate anything and make us feel insane or evil. All I know is I see the pain she has inflicted on my husband and it hurts me even more. We will be damned if our kids are going to be subject to that. He had no other choice--but we have this information now and we do have a chance to stop her harmful behaviors by removing contact with her. We have suggested therapy and she told us she wants to just spend her money on "finding gold", because she's obsessed with getting rich quick, and had sued multiple people with accusations that no one else has been able to confirm. She lost all of her lawsuits.

My husband and I both suffer from anxiety which is exasperated by any contact with his mother. She comes through for a day and the aftershocks come for weeks after. I have PTSD related to past manipulations/attempts to harm me by my husband's sister. In short, the MIL relationship is continuing to cause us severe emotional distress. I personally have reached the point where emotionally I cannot deal and am not really open to continuing to work on the relationship with her.

Our main concern is our 3 children, ages 12, 7 and 3. The most recent therapist has warned us that these behaviors we see in my MIL can easily be picked up on by the kids. We have started to see some of the traits in our eldest. Has anyone had to cut ties with a parent based on something like this? How did you do it?  We have gone a year without contact with her previously due to a big blow up with her and her daughter. My husband's Grandma convinced him to give my MIL a second (or millionth) chance. During that year we just told the kids she was working a lot if they asked why we hadn't seen her in awhile.

Our oldest is a people pleaser who has had a bond since birth with my MIL. She changes her personality and interests when MIL is around to be more like her.  MIL openly favors her and mostly ignores the other 2 kids. The middle child still is drawn to my MIL and tries to be included and liked by her. My son is too young to know any difference.

The oldest 2 are going to struggle with this. We do not want to villainize my MIL to them. She refuses to get help or even try therapy. At this point the manipulation and issues are out of control. She maintains that we are the crazy ones who are being difficult. We want to protect our kids so they do not have the same struggles or problems as their grandma and aunt.

We also don't want the kids to resent us for stopping contact with her but are willing to take that chance if it protects them in the long run. The kids will not be without grandparent influences, as my parents are very involved and doting. Their birth mom also has a supportive family with nowhere near the level of dysfunction that we currently have. I know that won't fix it all but they do have other positive influences in their life, it's just the negative one is drowning out all the rest.

We are going to work with the family therapist to understand how to delve into this with the oldest two kids. I would just love some insight or advice from others who have gone through a similar experience. I downloaded a couple books to help my husband and I but for kids so little, I think it will be a struggle to understand this type of mental illness and why Grandma thinks she doesn't need any help. Part of me feels bad that it has come to this, but I know our family cannot continue on this way. I also know we have tried it all, and I don't expect after 63 years she will suddenly change or want to change. For awhile I did think it was possible, but now we are just beat down.

Any advice is much appreciated. Thanks for reading. We are so relieved to finally have a community to reach out to--for so long we felt alone and isolated.

[HadleyatHome]

My mother-in-law is not officially diagnosed as BPD but we have seen 3 different family therapists who feel that she fits the diagnosis. My husband's sister is also personality disordered and due to her manipulations and harmful behavior, we have not had any contact with her for 3 years and intend on it staying this way.

The years of how my MIL has treated my husband is starting to cause even more emotional trauma. We have tried to maintain a relationship but things are getting more strained. It's hard to give examples as it feels like she is able to manipulate anything and make us feel insane or evil. All I know is I see the pain she has inflicted on my husband and it hurts me even more. We will be damned if our kids are going to be subject to that. He had no other choice--but we have this information now and we do have a chance to stop her harmful behaviors by removing contact with her. We have suggested therapy and she told us she wants to just spend her money on "finding gold", because she's obsessed with getting rich quick, and had sued multiple people with accusations that no one else has been able to confirm. She lost all of her lawsuits.

My husband and I both suffer from anxiety which is exasperated by any contact with his mother. She comes through for a day and the aftershocks come for weeks after. I have PTSD related to past manipulations/attempts to harm me by my husband's sister. In short, the MIL relationship is continuing to cause us severe emotional distress. I personally have reached the point where emotionally I cannot deal and am not really open to continuing to work on the relationship with her.

Our main concern is our 3 children, ages 12, 7 and 3. The most recent therapist has warned us that these behaviors we see in my MIL can easily be picked up on by the kids. We have started to see some of the traits in our eldest. Has anyone had to cut ties with a parent based on something like this? How did you do it?  We have gone a year without contact with her previously due to a big blow up with her and her daughter. My husband's Grandma convinced him to give my MIL a second (or millionth) chance. During that year we just told the kids she was working a lot if they asked why we hadn't seen her in awhile.

Our oldest is a people pleaser who has had a bond since birth with my MIL. She changes her personality and interests when MIL is around to be more like her.  MIL openly favors her and mostly ignores the other 2 kids. The middle child still is drawn to my MIL and tries to be included and liked by her. My son is too young to know any difference.

The oldest 2 are going to struggle with this. We do not want to villainize my MIL to them. She refuses to get help or even try therapy. At this point the manipulation and issues are out of control. She maintains that we are the crazy ones who are being difficult. We want to protect our kids so they do not have the same struggles or problems as their grandma and aunt.

We also don't want the kids to resent us for stopping contact with her but are willing to take that chance if it protects them in the long run. The kids will not be without grandparent influences, as my parents are very involved and doting. Their birth mom also has a supportive family with nowhere near the level of dysfunction that we currently have. I know that won't fix it all but they do have other positive influences in their life, it's just the negative one is drowning out all the rest.

We are going to work with the family therapist to understand how to delve into this with the oldest two kids. I would just love some insight or advice from others who have gone through a similar experience. I downloaded a couple books to help my husband and I but for kids so little, I think it will be a struggle to understand this type of mental illness and why Grandma thinks she doesn't need any help. Part of me feels bad that it has come to this, but I know our family cannot continue on this way. I also know we have tried it all, and I don't expect after 63 years she will suddenly change or want to change. For awhile I did think it was possible, but now we are just beat down.

Any advice is much appreciated. Thanks for reading. We are so relieved to finally have a community to reach out to--for so long we felt alone and isolated.

[HadleyatHome]

I also want to add that I have been clicking around and am so impressed with the information available to us here. It feels good to have so many people with the same experiences. For so long I'd just stand at the library catalog, trying to figure out what search terms I could enter to bring up what we needed.

As I read these posts, I am shocked at how we could have written them ouselves. In fact we've become so paranoid that for a few seconds I worry my SIL has just created a false online persona to bait us into replying and using it against us. Is that paranoia normal? I recall when my son was born, and the short time she did spend visiting us (after she spent the whole time ignoring my son and I and talking about her own birth experience) she left. My husband got up and began pacing the room. I asked him what he was doing, but part of me had the same feeling and knew--we both worried that she had somehow planted a bug in my hospital room to hear our conversations and then use it against us. That level of anxiety is just ridiculous! But somehow it felt totally rational, because of the chaos she always brought about.

This forum a huge relief, and also a scary and emotional time. So much is being re-examined by my husband as he looks at his life through a different lens and it is heartbreaking. I'm so happy though that there are answers and places with support. So long we thought we were alone in this horrible place that felt impossible to convey.

[clljhns]

Hi HadleyatHome,

So glad you have found the site and found helpful information!

You will find many here understand what you are going through and will offer support to you as you work through your struggles with a  BPD.

We also don't want the kids to resent us for stopping contact with her but are willing to take that chance if it protects them in the long run. The kids will not be without grandparent influences, as my parents are very involved and doting. Their birth mom also has a supportive family with nowhere near the level of dysfunction that we currently have. I know that won't fix it all but they do have other positive influences in their life, it's just the negative one is drowning out all the rest.

I know the struggle between wanting to have our parents involved in our children's lives, and maintaining a healthy environment for our children. I struggled with this as well, and while my daughter had contact with my uBPDmom throughout her childhood, when I made the decision to go NC, my daughter was not upset about this. Part of this, I am sure was that she was 17, and that she understood why I no longer wanted to have the chaos in my life. Your children are much younger, and while they may not understand the underlying reason if you decide to go NC, the end result will be peace for the family.

What are your concerns about going NC with MIL?

Wishing you all the best! 

[HadleyatHome]

There is a lot of sadness and guilt for us. She continues to claim we are twisting things to make her out to be an enemy whenever we try to talk to her about our feelings. She lives about 2 hours away but is the closet family to us--everyone else is 12 hours away. We find ourselves still questioning ourselves and our sanity all the time. The hard part is her sisters and my husband's grandmother. They are my MIL only friends, and I know how this will be manipulated to the rest of the family so that we look cold and heartless. I try to say if people don't understand then they don't really know or understand us, but it's easiler said than done. She also tends to blame anything on me--so my husband speaking up and us breaking ties would have everything to do with me and nothing to do with her, in her world. I come from a very close family and it's considered unacceptable there to cut off anyone, regardless of what they do. It makes me feel like we are bad for trying to protect the kids, and then her accusations start to become anxieties--Are we wrong? Are we too sensitive? Are we the problem? But in the end I know the answer to all of those questions is no .

My husband grew up in a situation where his mother really spoke horribly about his grandparents. He ended up resenting this and reconnecting with said grandparents when he was an adult. We feel horrible because while we think it would be helpful for the kids to figure this one out, the toll it's taking on our family and that fact that we are seeing her effects on the kids now is too much. But she continues to email about how heartbreaking this is, how sad she is and how the children are innocent bystanders. But the negatives of them having a relationship with her is now outweighing the few positives there were.

Lastly because my husband has an absent father and his sister is NC (because of her more obvious dangerous nature... .although his Mom still is very close with her and tries often to convince us to "reconcile" this would mean he has no contact with anymore. He feels so isolated and lonely when he considers this. It would mean giving up finally on the small hope he has held onto the last 36 years, where he wished his mom would magically change and start caring about him and his needs.

[clljhns]

Hi HadleyatHome,

My husband grew up in a situation where his mother really spoke horribly about his grandparents. He ended up resenting this and reconnecting with said grandparents when he was an adult. We feel horrible because while we think it would be helpful for the kids to figure this one out, the toll it's taking on our family and that fact that we are seeing her effects on the kids now is too much. But she continues to email about how heartbreaking this is, how sad she is and how the children are innocent bystanders. But the negatives of them having a relationship with her is now outweighing the few positives there were.

I completely understand the need to have family be active participants in our lives. Is there any behavior that MIL exhibits in front of grandchildren that concerns you? Have you read any of the articles on how to communicate: S.E.T and DEARMAN? There are many other great articles to read at the top of this site.

What is your greatest fear about having contact with MIL?

[HadleyatHome]

We are so fresh into all the literature so we haven't gotten to the communication pieces. I feel like it's this whole world opened up to us and I can't learn fast enough. I will look into those, though. Thank you for pointing me in the right direction! 

Just the thought of this is bringing a pit to my stomach. I don't know how to describe it well, or in short other than just saying I have seen the intense damage she has brought to my husband, I've held him while he sobbed and wondered what he could do to earn her love... .and we want to stop that from happening to our kids.

She has set up a similar path that she did with him--where one child is idolized and the others ignored no matter what they do. The kids are not regarded as kids, but mini adults. There is also a lot of inappropriate stories she tries to tell to the kids, about gruesome injuries (she's a nurse) and other topics where we have to jump in and redirect the conversation. We've tried having a really distant relationship--she only came to see us 4 times last year. But even then, when she does come it causes a lot of problems during and weeks after.

She's also tried to really stir the pot and make up or "plant" ideas about the oldest two kids biological mother, who we have a very close coparenting relationship with. In a strange series of events I actually get along very well with bio mom and we talk almost daily. But my MIL accused their Bio Mom of dating child pedophiles, which there is no evidence of, and started asking leading questions to our oldest. She would run background checks on the men bio mom dated with her daughter (who would hack into other people's Facebook accounts to find out who bio mom had friended on Facebook). She has claimed the kids call only her at their Mom's house and is concerned of neglect because she says the 7 year old is heard crying constantly and when they talk to her, they're actually trying to call for help because they can't stand their mother... .but they are just as close to their mother as they are with us, and there's no doubt their needs are met at both homes.

These are just the things I can think of off hand. But even as I type this I am hesitant, like it isn't enough and we are, like she says, we are making her the enemy due to nothing at all... .

[clljhns]

Hi HadleyatHome,

I've held him while he sobbed and wondered what he could do to earn her love... .and we want to stop that from happening to our kids.

Has your husband sought out professional help to deal with this? Not that I don't think you have been a great support to him, but it can be very helpful to have someone who is not close to the situation offer advice and guidance. Many of us here on this site have sought professional help to deal with the emotional baggage we carry from our BPD parent.

There is also a lot of inappropriate stories she tries to tell to the kids, about gruesome injuries (she's a nurse) and other topics where we have to jump in and redirect the conversation.

You are right. This is very inappropriate! What are some boundaries that you and husband have set with MIL?

I realize there is a lot of literature to read on this site, but perhaps you could start with: https://bpdfamily.com/content/emotional-blackmail-fear-obligation-and-guilt-fog. This article addresses the Fear, Obligation, and Guilt we feel towards the BPD in our life.

Please let us know how you all are doing.

Wishing you all the best. 

[HadleyatHome]

clljhns, yes, he is in therapy and luckily has come across an amazing therapist. This area is her speciality. I was a licensed mental health professional but in my own life did not recognize this situation. I try my best to support but I agree, a great therapist is really what he needs! I am so sad for him but also so happy there this community out there.

Well, I don't know if they are the right techniques but we have tried being very straightforward and just requesting that medical/work stories not be told to or in front of the children. She follows it for awhile but then will tell some other story that's inappropritate (details of a child who suffered a violent death for example) but that we didn't specifically request her to not say because who would expect we'd need to be that specific. So then we are supposedly at fault because we didn't implicitly make that request, and we allegedly make her anxious that she can't talk at all or say anything write due to our "constraints" the she says she is made to comply with.

Thank you for the resources. There is a lot to navigate and we just can't process it fast enough!

[clljhns]

HI HadleyatHome,

, he is in therapy and luckily has come across an amazing therapist

Glad to know that he is getting the support he needs from therapist and you!

There is a lot to navigate through, so take your time.

Let us know how you all are doing.

Wishing you all the best!