How much did you lose?

[christin5433]

Money can't buy what we lost. Trust is priceless . I will be happy if there ever is a day I won't feel like I'm suspicious and scared of being vulnerable . We didn't lose if we are away from this now. I'm suffering its part of the process of a r/s ending . I read a post and I like thier description of their ex BPD ... .Zombie .

Yes a zombie no life in them looking for another host to prey on. I wised up and my ex started to become transparent during her episodes.

She will find another and the conflict will be going on.

Im not engage in conflict that is going no where.

It's the def of insanity doing the same thing over and over expecting a different result.

I mean mine left me because of the word " Hun"

She would say that's controlling .

My therapist said its actually sweet to say that.

It was a need of mine to be spoken with kindness .

They don't like for filling needs even small ones .

[charred]

First go round was about 30 yrs ago... we were talking marriage and suddenly she dumped me without explanation and showed up hanging on a neighbor a few weeks later. I was devastated... thought she was the love of my life. I sold my house, gave away my business to the employees, and moved 1500 miles away to keep from either murder or suicide.  So I lost all my friends, the town I grew up in, my career and pretty much my family.

25 years later, I get on FB, and who should contact me... my exBPDgf, saying she had to tell me the real reason she dumped me, please talk to her on the phone... .I did and 4 months later, was getting a divorce... .so second round... .1/2 of everything I own (divorce)... loss of the marriage I ended, loss the trust of my daughter (very hurt by whole thing)... as well as losing two jobs (my BPDgf called as many as 30 times in a day!) I spent a lot of money on her ... was repaid with being painted black, and us splitting/recycling 6-8 times.

I gained... .a therapist (for the PTSD I gained in the r/s), insight that she was not my dreamgirl, but my worse nightmare. She still cyberstalks... after 30+ yrs.

It is hard to imagine the devastation one sorta cute gal could wreak to your life.

[Infared]

First go round was about 30 yrs ago... we were talking marriage and suddenly she dumped me without explanation and showed up hanging on a neighbor a few weeks later. I was devastated... thought she was the love of my life. I sold my house, gave away my business to the employees, and moved 1500 miles away to keep from either murder or suicide.  So I lost all my friends, the town I grew up in, my career and pretty much my family.

25 years later, I get on FB, and who should contact me... my exBPDgf, saying she had to tell me the real reason she dumped me, please talk to her on the phone... .I did and 4 months later, was getting a divorce... .so second round... .1/2 of everything I own (divorce)... loss of the marriage I ended, loss the trust of my daughter (very hurt by whole thing)... as well as losing two jobs (my BPDgf called as many as 30 times in a day!) I spent a lot of money on her ... was repaid with being painted black, and us splitting/recycling 6-8 times.

I gained... .a therapist (for the PTSD I gained in the r/s), insight that she was not my dreamgirl, but my worse nightmare. She still cyberstalks... after 30+ yrs.

It is hard to imagine the devastation one sorta cute gal could wreak to your life.

WOW!  That is the craziest tale I ever heard. Thanks for reinforcing my adult decision to NEVER open a FakeBook account.   Can I ask?... .what made you go back? ... .what line of psycho nonsense did you buy into... .I ask so if I am ever confronted with that situation that I can have more safe information to keep my perspective.

[mywifecrazy]

What I LOST  during my 20yrs with uBPDXW:

*Sight of a lot of   

*Touch with reality

*Self Respect

*Control

*20yrs of my life

*Sleep

*Respect from my In-Laws

*The Truth

What I lost after my uBPDxw left me and the kids:

* The FOG that surrounded me

*Insanity

*Innocence

*Trust in women (no offense ladies)

*40LBS... .

*A life filled with lies

*Infidelity

*My home (in process of selling)

*Ford Expedition... .

*$35,000 in the divorce

*My Kids innocence (forced to grow up quickly)

*My Respect for my uBPDxw!

What I gained:

*My faith in God through Christ

*A new relationship with my in-laws (We were able to expose the lies my uBPDxw told about them and me)

*Physical Health and well being

*True Happiness

*A better outlook on life

*True Friends

And Best Of All... .PEACE!

MWC... .

[Tim300]

First go round was about 30 yrs ago... we were talking marriage and suddenly she dumped me without explanation and showed up hanging on a neighbor a few weeks later. I was devastated... thought she was the love of my life. I sold my house, gave away my business to the employees, and moved 1500 miles away to keep from either murder or suicide.  So I lost all my friends, the town I grew up in, my career and pretty much my family.

25 years later, I get on FB, and who should contact me... my exBPDgf, saying she had to tell me the real reason she dumped me, please talk to her on the phone... .I did and 4 months later, was getting a divorce... .so second round... .1/2 of everything I own (divorce)... loss of the marriage I ended, loss the trust of my daughter (very hurt by whole thing)... as well as losing two jobs (my BPDgf called as many as 30 times in a day!) I spent a lot of money on her ... was repaid with being painted black, and us splitting/recycling 6-8 times.

I gained... .a therapist (for the PTSD I gained in the r/s), insight that she was not my dreamgirl, but my worse nightmare. She still cyberstalks... after 30+ yrs.

It is hard to imagine the devastation one sorta cute gal could wreak to your life.

Thanks for sharing this.  In some minor way we are positively contributing to the world by sharing our BPD stories.  It is appreciated.  

[Deeno02]

She lost a loving, caring man to her and her 5 kids. Saddens me.

[Earthbayne]

None of the material stuff that I lost really matters. I can always get some of those things back.

The thing I regret losing the most is... .time.

[Targeted]

Lost my happiness!

[clydegriffith]

Never would i think that someone that professes to love you so much could do the unspeakable things this woman did to me.

You are not alone here.  We understand.  I feel the same way.

The BPDx had me arrested on false domestic violence accusations 4 times.

How easy is it for them to pull this?  What exactly do they claim?  :)id you get baited first, or what it just totally out of thin air?  Mine didn't do this to me, but she threatened it once.

It's very very easy for any woman, BPD or not, to have a man arrested for DV. All it takes is an accusation and them filing out a report and the way the laws are set up the police HAVE to arrest you. Then it's up to you in court to prove your innocence. No matter how much the evidence (or lack thereof) point to the allegations being completley BS, in most instances the prosecution will not drop the charges and you will have to keep going back to court until the speedy trial (in my state they really aren't speedy) provisions expire which in my case was close to two years for all 4 charges. The worst part about it is that she suffers no consiquences for making a false statement. She could makeup something else tomorrow and the DA's office would once again maliciously prosecute me.

[Tim300]

Never would i think that someone that professes to love you so much could do the unspeakable things this woman did to me.

You are not alone here.  We understand.  I feel the same way.

The BPDx had me arrested on false domestic violence accusations 4 times.

How easy is it for them to pull this?  What exactly do they claim?  :)id you get baited first, or what it just totally out of thin air?  Mine didn't do this to me, but she threatened it once.

It's very very easy for any woman, BPD or not, to have a man arrested for DV. All it takes is an accusation and them filing out a report and the way the laws are set up the police HAVE to arrest you. Then it's up to you in court to prove your innocence. No matter how much the evidence (or lack thereof) point to the allegations being completley BS, in most instances the prosecution will not drop the charges and you will have to keep going back to court until the speedy trial (in my state they really aren't speedy) provisions expire which in my case was close to two years for all 4 charges. The worst part about it is that she suffers no consiquences for making a false statement. She could makeup something else tomorrow and the DA's office would once again maliciously prosecute me.

Thank you for sharing this.  I am maintaining absolute NC to avoid her following through on her threat to file a false DV charge.  It is so sick that someone would do this to her "best friend"/soulmate/provider.

[charred]

First go round was about 30 yrs ago... we were talking marriage and suddenly she dumped me without explanation and showed up hanging on a neighbor a few weeks later. I was devastated... thought she was the love of my life. I sold my house, gave away my business to the employees, and moved 1500 miles away to keep from either murder or suicide.  So I lost all my friends, the town I grew up in, my career and pretty much my family.

25 years later, I get on FB, and who should contact me... my exBPDgf, saying she had to tell me the real reason she dumped me, please talk to her on the phone... .I did and 4 months later, was getting a divorce... .so second round... .1/2 of everything I own (divorce)... loss of the marriage I ended, loss the trust of my daughter (very hurt by whole thing)... as well as losing two jobs (my BPDgf called as many as 30 times in a day!) I spent a lot of money on her ... was repaid with being painted black, and us splitting/recycling 6-8 times.

I gained... .a therapist (for the PTSD I gained in the r/s), insight that she was not my dreamgirl, but my worse nightmare. She still cyberstalks... after 30+ yrs.

It is hard to imagine the devastation one sorta cute gal could wreak to your life.

WOW!  That is the craziest tale I ever heard. Thanks for reinforcing my adult decision to NEVER open a FakeBook account.   Can I ask?... .what made you go back? ... .what line of psycho nonsense did you buy into... .I ask so if I am ever confronted with that situation that I can have more safe information to keep my perspective.

After all that time I thought I was 100% over her... but, on hearing her voice... it was instant, 100% of the feelings were back. Confused me to no end... realize why now. When you get love bombed and mirrored by them you form a primary bond... not a normal one... its like a baby with its mother. A GF from 20 yrs ago will get you a yawn... .but if you lost a parent and got them back... you would accept them fully in a moment. Bad thing is they are not a parent, they are a mistaken primary bond. Boy did it cost me. First time I didn't know she was BPD or even what that was, she was about 20 and didn't have a long history of failed relationships... .but second go round... the red flags were clearer.

I was devastated losing her long ago... and had no intention of getting a divorce or anything of the sort... but it was overwhelmingly powerful. Felt alive, sun was brighter, birds were singing... .it was all dreamy... .like a magic spell. It wasn't reality based... it was emotional stuff from way back (I thought from my 20's... .but it was from my first few years of life. So... I tried to make it work, spent 3 yrs doing the BPD battle dances... she told me she was diagnosed BPD in grad school... and then that she tried to get the T's licensing pulled. Told me of the 3 marriages, the annulment and 2 divorces, of the 7 engagements, 2 STD's... .and so on. Anyway, after spending a few years in hell I finally had it, accepted that she was in fact disordered ... and it would never work. Went NC and with T, am doing better... .but it sucks.

I put her on a pedestal, thought she was a dream and she was a nightmare. She still tries to contact me... last time I had contact, she wanted moral support while getting surgery for an STD she picked up with the rebound guy. I lost a lot ... .for so little.

Till this whole experience I thought I was pretty sharp and successful... .but it has humbled me. Never again.

[Infared]

First go round was about 30 yrs ago... we were talking marriage and suddenly she dumped me without explanation and showed up hanging on a neighbor a few weeks later. I was devastated... thought she was the love of my life. I sold my house, gave away my business to the employees, and moved 1500 miles away to keep from either murder or suicide.  So I lost all my friends, the town I grew up in, my career and pretty much my family.

25 years later, I get on FB, and who should contact me... my exBPDgf, saying she had to tell me the real reason she dumped me, please talk to her on the phone... .I did and 4 months later, was getting a divorce... .so second round... .1/2 of everything I own (divorce)... loss of the marriage I ended, loss the trust of my daughter (very hurt by whole thing)... as well as losing two jobs (my BPDgf called as many as 30 times in a day!) I spent a lot of money on her ... was repaid with being painted black, and us splitting/recycling 6-8 times.

I gained... .a therapist (for the PTSD I gained in the r/s), insight that she was not my dreamgirl, but my worse nightmare. She still cyberstalks... after 30+ yrs.

It is hard to imagine the devastation one sorta cute gal could wreak to your life.

WOW!  That is the craziest tale I ever heard. Thanks for reinforcing my adult decision to NEVER open a FakeBook account.   Can I ask?... .what made you go back? ... .what line of psycho nonsense did you buy into... .I ask so if I am ever confronted with that situation that I can have more safe information to keep my perspective.

After all that time I thought I was 100% over her... but, on hearing her voice... it was instant, 100% of the feelings were back. Confused me to no end... realize why now. When you get love bombed and mirrored by them you form a primary bond... not a normal one... its like a baby with its mother. A GF from 20 yrs ago will get you a yawn... .but if you lost a parent and got them back... you would accept them fully in a moment. Bad thing is they are not a parent, they are a mistaken primary bond. Boy did it cost me. First time I didn't know she was BPD or even what that was, she was about 20 and didn't have a long history of failed relationships... .but second go round... the red flags were clearer.

I was devastated losing her long ago... and had no intention of getting a divorce or anything of the sort... but it was overwhelmingly powerful. Felt alive, sun was brighter, birds were singing... .it was all dreamy... .like a magic spell. It wasn't reality based... it was emotional stuff from way back (I thought from my 20's... .but it was from my first few years of life. So... I tried to make it work, spent 3 yrs doing the BPD battle dances... she told me she was diagnosed BPD in grad school... and then that she tried to get the T's licensing pulled. Told me of the 3 marriages, the annulment and 2 divorces, of the 7 engagements, 2 STD's... .and so on. Anyway, after spending a few years in hell I finally had it, accepted that she was in fact disordered ... and it would never work. Went NC and with T, am doing better... .but it sucks.

I put her on a pedestal, thought she was a dream and she was a nightmare. She still tries to contact me... last time I had contact, she wanted moral support while getting surgery for an STD she picked up with the rebound guy. I lost a lot ... .for so little.

Till this whole experience I thought I was pretty sharp and successful... .but it has humbled me. Never again.

Thanks for the openness charred(love the name! ).

Hmmmm... I have never heard of forming a primary bond with a love partner like you are saying... .this could describe the longing that I have for my ex. How does that happen... did you learn about this in your therapy?

[SlyQQ]

Some of the many techniques used by BPD is to assume a parenting roll on some levels an take the place of a parent they literally have every trick in the book to hook you those into schema would say its the punitave parent mode or such basically if they see an opertunity they take it

[charred]

Thanks for the openness charred(love the name! ).

Hmmmm... I have never heard of forming a primary bond with a love partner like you are saying... .this could describe the longing that I have for my ex. How does that happen... did you learn about this in your therapy?

Like a lot of people... I was searching for answers... one that most puzzled me is why after all those years I still felt anything at all for her. With other GF's... very little. Dated a lot, dumped gals and was dumped by others ones... and none had same effect on me. My mother is horrible with young children... her mother died when she was 5, she has two younger siblings she had to raise... her father left her with her grandparents following her mother's death, and it all clearly traumatized her... .suspect she is waif BPD. So... I didn't have much unconditional love as a tiny kid... and the mirroring/love bombing... .was something I didn't know I desperately had needed.

Read a lot and each theory of why the BPD breakup was so devastating... .fell flat. Was seeing a T and he pointed out a number of ways that I had been dealing with some of my own attachment issues... .thought I was ADHD, but insecure attachment fit the symptoms better. Reading on developmental psychology... .the importance and means of primary attachments was discussed(love bombing, mirroring... as signs of unconditional love), and it dawned on me that the way the sex turned creepy with my BPDgf (had some odd undertones I didn't like... that it was done for effect not enjoyment, and it seemed odd, like I was doing Mary Poppins or something)... suddenly made sense. At the surface I didn't see my BPDgf as mommy... but she chastised me and acted like a controlling parent at time... moralized and acted like a over the top mother interacting with a kid. What I had taken for being passionate emotionalism... was more like mirroring between a toddler and mother. Losing her, wasn't losing a pain in the neck... .it shook me to my very core... and I hadn't been able to understand why. Five years after she first dumped me she was still often on my mind, it was a decade before she had faded out of mind.

I am in my 50's now, and many of my friends have lost one or both of their parents... and the reaction is the same. If someone told you to snap out of it, jump back in the saddle and get back to living in response to the loss of a parent... you would think they were crazy. The split with the BPDgf was like that... .I was going through deep grief stages... like the loss of "the perfect idealized parent" I never had.  Then 25 or so years later I hear her voice and it was 100% back... all the feelings for her, the confusion it had ended with... and the only explanation that explains the deep suffering... really explains it, is transference ... .we accept them with a primary bond... like it is unconditional love... .and it isn't.

After figuring that out I found other writings along same lines... .posts from 2010 hit on it for instance... search out member 2010 and read all you can, excellent stuff.

It is not going to be a popular theory... that we are crazy about our BPD S0... because they are a mommy substitute, to fill a hole in our soul, and we are seeking sex with someone that is developmentally at about a 2-3yr old level. An ego takes a giant hit trying to accept that... but all I can say is ... the truth hurts, and understanding it doesn't fix the situation. The situation is that we were walking wounded, denied it, and kept it hidden, till they came along and found the wound and pulled the scab off, exposing the infection and inflaming all the nerves we had deadened and tried to block.

[Infared]

Thanks for the openness charred(love the name! ).

Hmmmm... I have never heard of forming a primary bond with a love partner like you are saying... .this could describe the longing that I have for my ex. How does that happen... did you learn about this in your therapy?

Like a lot of people... I was searching for answers... one that most puzzled me is why after all those years I still felt anything at all for her. With other GF's... very little. Dated a lot, dumped gals and was dumped by others ones... and none had same effect on me. My mother is horrible with young children... her mother died when she was 5, she has two younger siblings she had to raise... her father left her with her grandparents following her mother's death, and it all clearly traumatized her... .suspect she is waif BPD. So... I didn't have much unconditional love as a tiny kid... and the mirroring/love bombing... .was something I didn't know I desperately had needed.

Read a lot and each theory of why the BPD breakup was so devastating... .fell flat. Was seeing a T and he pointed out a number of ways that I had been dealing with some of my own attachment issues... .thought I was ADHD, but insecure attachment fit the symptoms better. Reading on developmental psychology... .the importance and means of primary attachments was discussed(love bombing, mirroring... as signs of unconditional love), and it dawned on me that the way the sex turned creepy with my BPDgf (had some odd undertones I didn't like... that it was done for effect not enjoyment, and it seemed odd, like I was doing Mary Poppins or something)... suddenly made sense. At the surface I didn't see my BPDgf as mommy... but she chastised me and acted like a controlling parent at time... moralized and acted like a over the top mother interacting with a kid. What I had taken for being passionate emotionalism... was more like mirroring between a toddler and mother. Losing her, wasn't losing a pain in the neck... .it shook me to my very core... and I hadn't been able to understand why. Five years after she first dumped me she was still often on my mind, it was a decade before she had faded out of mind.

I am in my 50's now, and many of my friends have lost one or both of their parents... and the reaction is the same. If someone told you to snap out of it, jump back in the saddle and get back to living in response to the loss of a parent... you would think they were crazy. The split with the BPDgf was like that... .I was going through deep grief stages... like the loss of "the perfect idealized parent" I never had.  Then 25 or so years later I hear her voice and it was 100% back... all the feelings for her, the confusion it had ended with... and the only explanation that explains the deep suffering... really explains it, is transference ... .we accept them with a primary bond... like it is unconditional love... .and it isn't.

After figuring that out I found other writings along same lines... .posts from 2010 hit on it for instance... search out member 2010 and read all you can, excellent stuff.

It is not going to be a popular theory... that we are crazy about our BPD S0... because they are a mommy substitute, to fill a hole in our soul, and we are seeking sex with someone that is developmentally at about a 2-3yr old level. An ego takes a giant hit trying to accept that... but all I can say is ... the truth hurts, and understanding it doesn't fix the situation. The situation is that we were walking wounded, denied it, and kept it hidden, till they came along and found the wound and pulled the scab off, exposing the infection and inflaming all the nerves we had deadened and tried to block.

Charred... .thanks for taking the time to explain that... .I think that our mothers had similar traits regarding small children.  No touchy-feely love with mine... .no hugs, never any verbal "I love you's" etc. (If I went to a neighbors house I got REALLY a uncomfortable and confuse when the parents showed healthy affection to each other)... and she definitely had her own "special" wackiness and issues (don't we al!)... .don't know if it was BPD, though.  I think if we are of a certain genetic build (emotionally sensitive), mothers like that can be very damaging to us. My parents were both there, stayed together and I always knew that I was loved and provided for... .but I always had that emotional hole. As there was no "warmth" in my home... .although my Dad exuded some. (I am an alcoholic in recovery... .I believe that my alcoholism and my senditivity are genetic- my Father's father was a fall-down drunk)... .So... that all being said I think I resemble partly what you are describing.  I never had the Mary Poppins thing going on... .I was always sexually attracted to my ex and she was quite a bit younger that me... .so I never had a physical mother manifestation going on... .but I think during the mirroring phase (which kind of lasted through a 5-year relationship until she found new supply), her needy, codependent gush filled that hole in my soul like no other.  Unfortunately, that was not "really" her... so ... when she flicked the switch on me and ran her game on newboy. I got nada... it was like the power company came and put the padlock on the power supply.  It was EXTREMELY a brutal for me to lose "Mother's Milk".  

In my pain after the abandonment... .my Mom was old and starting to die... and I was in therapy, going to AA mtgs. and working... but since I was all alone... .I was REALLY a able to show up for her.   ... .with what I had going on... .a mentor set a spark in me... .that "hey... .maybe your Mom can be different if you are different"... which kind of sucked LOL!... .because that meant I had to try to give her what she could not give me.  I got really brave one night at the nursing home and told her that I loved her and touched her face and her hair with my hand and it was like I ignighted a sun... .her whole demeanor changed... she lit up... .and I was able to enjoy this connected warm relationship with her until she died. It was AMAZING! When she passed... .I was at peace. Totally in acceptance and gratitude... .almost no grieving!

So... .at least my ex gave me that by discarding me!... .not that she would know or care... .Kind of sad... .but it's her loss!

[Elpis]

What I LOST  during my 20yrs with uBPDXW:

*40LBS... .

For starters MWC, SHUT UP!

i'm so pleased for what you've gained--my r/s with God has kept me together through this process as He has shown me incredible Clarity each step of the way.

It's the def of insanity doing the same thing over and over expecting a different result.

I mean mine left me because of the word " Hun"

She would say that's controlling .

My therapist said its actually sweet to say that.

It was a need of mine to be spoken with kindness .

They don't like for filling needs even small ones .

Christin5433

OH MY GOODNESS! I moved in with a long time friend because it was inexpensive and I felt i'd stayed with my daughters for long enough. SHE SAID I WAS TRYING TO CONTROL HER WHEN I BOUGHT NEW TRASHBINS FOR THE KITCHEN! We can't make this stuff up, right? Everything I did was in an effort to control her, according to her. If I cleaned, if I made room for my stuff in the bathroom... .I was to blame for her unhappiness, her anger, her everything. She was the straight-up dysfunction of my uBPDh but without the charm my h could have from time to time! Clearly my "picker" has been out of true for a long time... .The third person in my Trifecta of Cray-Cray is another long time friend who recently emailed me to say "Even though we don't agree on other things right now, I know you can understand this thing my mother did to me... ." This translates to "Even though I know you made the wrong choice in leaving your marriage" (we haven't lived in the same state for 15 years so she has no idea what I've been going through!) "so I refuse to support you, please support me anyway while I as a 58 year old woman whine about my mommy!" BAD PICKER! BAD FRIENDS! Not my friends anymore.

Reading on developmental psychology... .the importance and means of primary attachments was discussed(love bombing, mirroring... as signs of unconditional love)... .At the surface I didn't see my BPDgf as mommy... but she chastised me and acted like a controlling parent at time... moralized and acted like a over the top mother interacting with a kid. What I had taken for being passionate emotionalism... was more like mirroring between a toddler and mother. ... .I was going through deep grief stages... like the loss of "the perfect idealized parent" I never had.

It is not going to be a popular theory... that we are crazy about our BPD S0... because they are a mommy substitute, to fill a hole in our soul, and we are seeking sex with someone that is developmentally at about a 2-3yr old level. An ego takes a giant hit trying to accept that... but all I can say is ... the truth hurts, and understanding it doesn't fix the situation. The situation is that we were walking wounded, denied it, and kept it hidden, till they came along and found the wound and pulled the scab off, exposing the infection and inflaming all the nerves we had deadened and tried to block.

Just WOW.

This is a line of thinking I had not really explored. I think it fits me as well with my uBPDh. In a way he fit into a nurturing role in the beginning--one thing I loved about him was that he would actually listen to me talk and accept me and my quirks. One "quirk" was a distrust of men due to my father being "handsy" with his daughters (less so with me than my sister, but still did) so I needed time to feel comfortable around him. And here comes some VVS--Very Vulnerable Stuff--I was entirely inexperienced with guys because of that, he was thrilled that I was a virgin and could, er, "show me the ways" of intimacy. And it was this very intimacy he withdrew totally in the past 4 years of living together in our marriage, even though he pretty much withdrew even light affection for the last decade.

I was a bit of a lost soul when we met, and in a way I felt he rescued me and was taking care of me. That sounds rather parental! My family was not affectionate at all, except the inappropriateness of my father. i'm very huggy and affectionate. So in a way it was like my uBPDh assumed almost a father role, teaching, guiding, providing. And then I started growing up, but our relationship never did.

And in a way his raging was lecturing me "to do better" by telling me how terrible I was and unsupportive and selfish and blah blah blah. Plus, speaking of pulling off scabs, he knew the trauma of my childhood and would push and push with his anger and his words until i'd flip into a trauma response where I was the terrified small child. I didn't know I had complex ptsd, I didn't totally understand the dynamics of what was happening, but he did it over and over and over to me, and continued trying until I left almost a year ago.

That's some trippy stuff!

[Pingo]

Thanks for the openness charred(love the name! ).

Hmmmm... I have never heard of forming a primary bond with a love partner like you are saying... .this could describe the longing that I have for my ex. How does that happen... did you learn about this in your therapy?

Like a lot of people... I was searching for answers... one that most puzzled me is why after all those years I still felt anything at all for her. With other GF's... very little. Dated a lot, dumped gals and was dumped by others ones... and none had same effect on me. My mother is horrible with young children... her mother died when she was 5, she has two younger siblings she had to raise... her father left her with her grandparents following her mother's death, and it all clearly traumatized her... .suspect she is waif BPD. So... I didn't have much unconditional love as a tiny kid... and the mirroring/love bombing... .was something I didn't know I desperately had needed.

Read a lot and each theory of why the BPD breakup was so devastating... .fell flat. Was seeing a T and he pointed out a number of ways that I had been dealing with some of my own attachment issues... .thought I was ADHD, but insecure attachment fit the symptoms better. Reading on developmental psychology... .the importance and means of primary attachments was discussed(love bombing, mirroring... as signs of unconditional love), and it dawned on me that the way the sex turned creepy with my BPDgf (had some odd undertones I didn't like... that it was done for effect not enjoyment, and it seemed odd, like I was doing Mary Poppins or something)... suddenly made sense. At the surface I didn't see my BPDgf as mommy... but she chastised me and acted like a controlling parent at time... moralized and acted like a over the top mother interacting with a kid. What I had taken for being passionate emotionalism... was more like mirroring between a toddler and mother. Losing her, wasn't losing a pain in the neck... .it shook me to my very core... and I hadn't been able to understand why. Five years after she first dumped me she was still often on my mind, it was a decade before she had faded out of mind.

I am in my 50's now, and many of my friends have lost one or both of their parents... and the reaction is the same. If someone told you to snap out of it, jump back in the saddle and get back to living in response to the loss of a parent... you would think they were crazy. The split with the BPDgf was like that... .I was going through deep grief stages... like the loss of "the perfect idealized parent" I never had.  Then 25 or so years later I hear her voice and it was 100% back... all the feelings for her, the confusion it had ended with... and the only explanation that explains the deep suffering... really explains it, is transference ... .we accept them with a primary bond... like it is unconditional love... .and it isn't.

After figuring that out I found other writings along same lines... .posts from 2010 hit on it for instance... search out member 2010 and read all you can, excellent stuff.

It is not going to be a popular theory... that we are crazy about our BPD S0... because they are a mommy substitute, to fill a hole in our soul, and we are seeking sex with someone that is developmentally at about a 2-3yr old level. An ego takes a giant hit trying to accept that... but all I can say is ... the truth hurts, and understanding it doesn't fix the situation. The situation is that we were walking wounded, denied it, and kept it hidden, till they came along and found the wound and pulled the scab off, exposing the infection and inflaming all the nerves we had deadened and tried to block.

Charred... .thanks for taking the time to explain that... .I think that our mothers had similar traits regarding small children.  No touchy-feely love with mine... .no hugs, never any verbal "I love you's" etc. (If I went to a neighbors house I got REALLY a uncomfortable and confuse when the parents showed healthy affection to each other)... and she definitely had her own "special" wackiness and issues (don't we al!)... .don't know if it was BPD, though.  I think if we are of a certain genetic build (emotionally sensitive), mothers like that can be very damaging to us. My parents were both there, stayed together and I always knew that I was loved and provided for... .but I always had that emotional hole. As there was no "warmth" in my home... .although my Dad exuded some. (I am an alcoholic in recovery... .I believe that my alcoholism and my senditivity are genetic- my Father's father was a fall-down drunk)... .So... that all being said I think I resemble partly what you are describing.  I never had the Mary Poppins thing going on... .I was always sexually attracted to my ex and she was quite a bit younger that me... .so I never had a physical mother manifestation going on... .but I think during the mirroring phase (which kind of lasted through a 5-year relationship until she found new supply), her needy, codependent gush filled that hole in my soul like no other.  Unfortunately, that was not "really" her... so ... when she flicked the switch on me and ran her game on newboy. I got nada... it was like the power company came and put the padlock on the power supply.  It was EXTREMELY a brutal for me to lose "Mother's Milk".  

I think what you both are describing is exactly what I experienced as well. Mother's milk.  That is what it was like.  The most incredibly loving, nurturing feeling I've only experienced giving birth to my own children.  And when my marriage ended it was the most excruciating pain, the pain of what I had run from and numbed all my life. The blessing of the r/s:  I couldn't run any more.  I finally grieved for what I never had.

In my pain after the abandonment... .my Mom was old and starting to die... and I was in therapy, going to AA mtgs. and working... but since I was all alone... .I was REALLY a able to show up for her.   ... .with what I had going on... .a mentor set a spark in me... .that "hey... .maybe your Mom can be different if you are different"... which kind of sucked LOL!... .because that meant I had to try to give her what she could not give me.  I got really brave one night at the nursing home and told her that I loved her and touched her face and her hair with my hand and it was like I ignighted a sun... .her whole demeanor changed... she lit up... .and I was able to enjoy this connected warm relationship with her until she died. It was AMAZING! When she passed... .I was at peace. Totally in acceptance and gratitude... .almost no grieving!

So... .at least my ex gave me that by discarding me!... .not that she would know or care... .Kind of sad... .but it's her loss!

Infared, what a beautiful story and how wonderful you got to have that moment and that closure.  Thank you for sharing that. I'm sorry for your loss. 

[Infared]

Thanks for the openness charred(love the name! ).

Hmmmm... I have never heard of forming a primary bond with a love partner like you are saying... .this could describe the longing that I have for my ex. How does that happen... did you learn about this in your therapy?

Like a lot of people... I was searching for answers... one that most puzzled me is why after all those years I still felt anything at all for her. With other GF's... very little. Dated a lot, dumped gals and was dumped by others ones... and none had same effect on me. My mother is horrible with young children... her mother died when she was 5, she has two younger siblings she had to raise... her father left her with her grandparents following her mother's death, and it all clearly traumatized her... .suspect she is waif BPD. So... I didn't have much unconditional love as a tiny kid... and the mirroring/love bombing... .was something I didn't know I desperately had needed.

Read a lot and each theory of why the BPD breakup was so devastating... .fell flat. Was seeing a T and he pointed out a number of ways that I had been dealing with some of my own attachment issues... .thought I was ADHD, but insecure attachment fit the symptoms better. Reading on developmental psychology... .the importance and means of primary attachments was discussed(love bombing, mirroring... as signs of unconditional love), and it dawned on me that the way the sex turned creepy with my BPDgf (had some odd undertones I didn't like... that it was done for effect not enjoyment, and it seemed odd, like I was doing Mary Poppins or something)... suddenly made sense. At the surface I didn't see my BPDgf as mommy... but she chastised me and acted like a controlling parent at time... moralized and acted like a over the top mother interacting with a kid. What I had taken for being passionate emotionalism... was more like mirroring between a toddler and mother. Losing her, wasn't losing a pain in the neck... .it shook me to my very core... and I hadn't been able to understand why. Five years after she first dumped me she was still often on my mind, it was a decade before she had faded out of mind.

I am in my 50's now, and many of my friends have lost one or both of their parents... and the reaction is the same. If someone told you to snap out of it, jump back in the saddle and get back to living in response to the loss of a parent... you would think they were crazy. The split with the BPDgf was like that... .I was going through deep grief stages... like the loss of "the perfect idealized parent" I never had.  Then 25 or so years later I hear her voice and it was 100% back... all the feelings for her, the confusion it had ended with... and the only explanation that explains the deep suffering... really explains it, is transference ... .we accept them with a primary bond... like it is unconditional love... .and it isn't.

After figuring that out I found other writings along same lines... .posts from 2010 hit on it for instance... search out member 2010 and read all you can, excellent stuff.

It is not going to be a popular theory... that we are crazy about our BPD S0... because they are a mommy substitute, to fill a hole in our soul, and we are seeking sex with someone that is developmentally at about a 2-3yr old level. An ego takes a giant hit trying to accept that... but all I can say is ... the truth hurts, and understanding it doesn't fix the situation. The situation is that we were walking wounded, denied it, and kept it hidden, till they came along and found the wound and pulled the scab off, exposing the infection and inflaming all the nerves we had deadened and tried to block.

Charred... .thanks for taking the time to explain that... .I think that our mothers had similar traits regarding small children.  No touchy-feely love with mine... .no hugs, never any verbal "I love you's" etc. (If I went to a neighbors house I got REALLY a uncomfortable and confuse when the parents showed healthy affection to each other)... and she definitely had her own "special" wackiness and issues (don't we al!)... .don't know if it was BPD, though.  I think if we are of a certain genetic build (emotionally sensitive), mothers like that can be very damaging to us. My parents were both there, stayed together and I always knew that I was loved and provided for... .but I always had that emotional hole. As there was no "warmth" in my home... .although my Dad exuded some. (I am an alcoholic in recovery... .I believe that my alcoholism and my senditivity are genetic- my Father's father was a fall-down drunk)... .So... that all being said I think I resemble partly what you are describing.  I never had the Mary Poppins thing going on... .I was always sexually attracted to my ex and she was quite a bit younger that me... .so I never had a physical mother manifestation going on... .but I think during the mirroring phase (which kind of lasted through a 5-year relationship until she found new supply), her needy, codependent gush filled that hole in my soul like no other.  Unfortunately, that was not "really" her... so ... when she flicked the switch on me and ran her game on newboy. I got nada... it was like the power company came and put the padlock on the power supply.  It was EXTREMELY a brutal for me to lose "Mother's Milk".  

I think what you both are describing is exactly what I experienced as well. Mother's milk.  That is what it was like.  The most incredibly loving, nurturing feeling I've only experienced giving birth to my own children.  And when my marriage ended it was the most excruciating pain, the pain of what I had run from and numbed all my life. The blessing of the r/s:  I couldn't run any more.  I finally grieved for what I never had.

In my pain after the abandonment... .my Mom was old and starting to die... and I was in therapy, going to AA mtgs. and working... but since I was all alone... .I was REALLY a able to show up for her.   ... .with what I had going on... .a mentor set a spark in me... .that "hey... .maybe your Mom can be different if you are different"... which kind of sucked LOL!... .because that meant I had to try to give her what she could not give me.  I got really brave one night at the nursing home and told her that I loved her and touched her face and her hair with my hand and it was like I ignighted a sun... .her whole demeanor changed... she lit up... .and I was able to enjoy this connected warm relationship with her until she died. It was AMAZING! When she passed... .I was at peace. Totally in acceptance and gratitude... .almost no grieving!

So... .at least my ex gave me that by discarding me!... .not that she would know or care... .Kind of sad... .but it's her loss!

Infared, what a beautiful story and how wonderful you got to have that moment and that closure.  Thank you for sharing that. I'm sorry for your loss. 

Thanks Pingo... .yes... .you have to just take the good things and run with them sometimes.

I definitely I found that there is no connecting with my ex, though.  How do you connect with someone who tells nothing but lies?

[charred]

Grieving what you never had is probably needed... seen a T, felt the loss. After 30 yrs of mostly off, but on/off r/s with my exBPDgf, and being NC for 2 yrs now... .she tried contact again yesterday.

Losing them is like losing a parent, but its confusing as they are not dead... more like a zombie that keeps stalking you, looking like someone you innocently cared for, but a scary creature none the less.