did your BPD ex downgrade?

[BrokenFamily]

4 months post breakup I'm still trying to cope, understand and maintain. I was replaced the same week as the breakup with a guy that makes minimum wage, has no car, lives in his mommy's basement and apparently was a 26 year old virgin who has never had a serious girlfriend before. He seems like a nice enough guy but has no personality at all and they don't do anything but drink beers in him mom's basement. They have gotten into two fights that I'm aware of because she had me pick her up from his house both times but I don't see them ever breaking up because she's the first girl who ever paid attention to him and he won't do anything to ever jeopardize that. I can't imagine someone as emotionally weak and needy could maintain or even survive a relationship with my ex. Could their relationship actually work long-term?

[CloseToFreedom]

I do not know if my replacement is a downgrade, I don't know a lot about him, only how he looks. He's... .different. Tattoos, a bit more weight. But that could mean anything or nothing.

As for your question, its also difficult to say. If he has a weak personality, like you describe, it may be easier for her to mold him like she wants to, which might ensure that the relationship lives on. If he grows a pair he won't stand for it though. That's what I did after four years, grow a pair. They don't like that, at all.

[Maternus]

Could their relationship actually work long-term?

Why do you bother?

[billypilgrim]

Could their relationship actually work long-term?

If you have to ask... .

But more seriously that shouldn't be your concern.  He did you a favor by taking her off your hands.  I wish someone would have taken mine off my hands before we were married.  Or engaged.  Or even out of college.  It may seem strange to think about things in this way but unless she makes a change within herself, this cycle will repeat itself over and over again. 

The more important thing is you have a chance to look at yourself and grow.  And that's something that you may end up being thankful for down the road.   

[Cleveland]

Almost four months from our breakup to the day after almost five years together.

Got confirmation today from her sister-in-law that she has moved in with my replacement.  As far as I know, she did not have him lined up beforehand, could be lies but she has told her family they met on eharmony. 

He is a geeky looking guy, a little dumpy - which is new for her, I and her exes before me were almost all bouncers (or at least big guys) except for one, he was a musician.

BUT, from what I understand, he is very successful and makes good money and she has been bragging to her family about that. 

He can have her, I met a great woman that has been nothing but rational, level-headed, open to criticism, actually listens and is supportive, etc. 

My only concern is our D3.  But I just tell myself that as long as I am the best father I can be, it will all work out ok for her.  Also, from what I have heard he has a D13 and seems like a very nice guy, my D only has good things to say about him when she brings him up to me, so I try to think of it as a positive for her - mom is "happy" and therefore less likely to rage.

Also, I know her family is not taking sides, but they all do think she is a) moving too fast and b) not acting appropriately as she does not give me any information regarding him (I only know where my daughter lives half the time because of my own detective work).  Her sister-in-law has promised (and is was not requested by me) that if she ever hears her bad mouth me to our D or hear our D start to question me because of things mommy says, she will have a sit down with her and explain a lot of the situation.

[Turkish]

On the surface, mine didn't. The new guy (her affair partner, now fiancee) is 18 year younger than me (8 younger than her), in better shape, and better looking.

In any other case, especially for a father of our children, he doesn't hold a candle: career, net worth, stability, accomplishments, or potential.

He does, however, provide an emotional need that I didn't for her.

I think that's the tough thing that many of us struggle with. On the one hand, the replacement or new attachment may be nothing to write home about. Here, we also need to look at ourselves and see how much we are projecting our own feelings rather than trying to be objective. The replacements provide that supply of good feelings, which however our relationships broke down, ended.

A pwBPD needs to feel good in order to cope with their own inner shame. Whatever we think, or whatever others think, however accurate, they don't see because their world-view is based upon distorted thinking and driven by emotion.

The challenge is to also identify whatever fleas and distorted thinking that may remain with us in the aftermath of a r/s with a pwBPD.

[BorisAcusio]

Eventually you'll have to come to terms with the disorder and how it works. It treats everyone with equal opportunity and given time and self reflection you'll find out your Achilles heel concerning your own idea of superiority. Try not to compare yourself as better than the current partner because really there is no “better” person for disordered thought. It exists despite the partner. It is a common draw though for partners to believe they are superior to others concerning the needs of the Borderline.

[icom]

Could their relationship work?  No, but with one caveat.  It has been my experience that they are instinctually drawn to NPDs, and the pairing-although mercurial, and far from ideal-is their only means of sustaining a long-term relationship.

A BPD attachment style-by definition-is fearful/avoidant, and this will be transposed onto her new person of interest where the inevitable dysfunctional cycle will ensue again.  This new person will experience all the highs and lows that you experienced. 

Regarding my situation, she selected a semi-literate, hockey-playing, chubby retard as my replacement as the ultimate insult to my injury.  However, do please keep in mind that their criteria for partner selection bears scant resemblance to ours, and is heavily weighted towards the potential partner being a mere chattel, or narcissistic supply, to bolster their precarious sense of self.  Sadly, we also fell into the same criteria during our time as well.

  I was involved for five years; five of the longest, hardest, years of my life.  Perhaps you will, as me, eventually derive some small measure of comfort from the fact that your former partner taught you some extremely valuable life lessons, and as a consequence, did you a tremendous service: you’ve learned about boundary definition, and that one’s integrity is inviolable. 

As difficult as the whole BPD experience was to fathom, and as Cleveland suggests, a greater shock to the system occurs when you encounter your first normal woman in a relationship again.  After five years living and breathing the dysfunction, recalibrating myself back to “Normal” was a steep learning curve.

  I will mirror the sentiment already expressed: She is now someone else’s problem, so you can thank god for small miracles. 

[JRT]

he won't ever do anything to jeopardize it, but if she is a BPD, she likely will!

[icom]

One last thing that I neglected to mention:

 If you’ve spent any amount of time scanning the various threads here, you’ll quickly note patterns emerging, in that we’ve all encountered similar or identical difficulties.  

 The non-specificity means that the experience was not personal, therefore, the behaviour was not personal.

[Popcorn71]

My xBPDh went for a replacement who is a massive downgrade.  I won't go into detail here as I have done that in previous posts.

What my ex has done though, is guarantee that he is needed.  He has stooped so low with his choice of replacement that he knows she will hang on to him because basically without him she would have no home and no money.  He has her trapped.  But she also has him trapped because if he starts treating her as badly as he treated me and my kids, she has the backup of a massive, violent extended family and lots of her own grown up sons, who no doubt, would put him in his place.

They both have what they deserve!

[Maternus]

I think my replacement is more an upgrade. He has a better job and earns more money. I can't tell if he's better looking. I just saw a photo in the internet. He's more the stuffy kind of guy, a staid family father. But he must have his own issues. He left his wife and his kids after a short affair with my ex and moved into our house within weeks, while I had not moved out already. No real healthy guy would do that without a strange feeling in his stomach.

[Deeno02]

Ive got more hair than the replacement... otherwise, know nothing about him. Dont care to. Dont care what she does as Ive been damaged enough by her. They are not on my radar.  Good luck... .

[hope2727]

My replacement is a younger looking version of me. It's a bit creepy. She is thinner too. Oh well. She has crooked teeth which is a big deal in my books ;-) so ill count that as a downgrade. It doesn't matter really.  I am a lovely intelligent reasonable person. So whatever and whoever he replaces me with is likely a downgrade on some level. Just hope I can find an upgrade for myself. Nothing perfect just someone real. Someone kind and smart and funny. Someone who laughs when I screw up not jumps Down my throat. Someone who admires my talents and encourages me to continue improving. Someone who looks forward to seeng me at the end of each day the way i looked forward to swing my ex. anyone with suggestions of where to find this elusive person on me.

[Maternus]

My replacement is a younger looking version of me. It's a bit creepy.

My replacement has a daughter that is a younger version of my ex. 

[imstronghere2]

Just hope I can find an upgrade for myself. Nothing perfect just someone real. Someone kind and smart and funny. Someone who laughs when I screw up not jumps Down my throat. Someone who admires my talents and encourages me to continue improving. Someone who looks forward to seeng me at the end of each day the way i looked forward to swing my ex. anyone with suggestions of where to find this elusive person on me.

I would think they're right here on this board.      Me included.  Maybe we should start our own non-BPD dating site?   

In all seriousness, that might not be such a bad idea.  I for one, am finding it INCREDIBLY difficult to date.

[Hawk Ridge]

I know my replacement is a definite downgrade financially, socially, family structure, job, and physical location.  I realize this person is not as independent as I am and it appears more codependent... .so why does it hurt so much?  Why are they still together? I can only believe my independence and the fact I really practiced detaching from her moods (and told her as much) made me less controllable.  Regardless, she did a job on my head.  She left me after months of emotional abuse, resulting in shaking hands and a resulting PTSD diagnosis for me.  Yes, I do have compassion for my replacement but I also still possess sadness that they are still together.  It just doesn't make sense - oh, silly me... .expecting this to make sense. :-(

[Rise]

... .I don't see them ever breaking up because she's the first girl who ever paid attention to him and he won't do anything to ever jeopardize that. I can't imagine someone as emotionally weak and needy could maintain or even survive a relationship with my ex. Could their relationship actually work long-term?

Quite a few of us here are codependent. Many of us did everything we could not to jeopardize our relationships. We tried our best to appease our SOs at any cost, gave into unreasonable demands, and put up with behaviors that were extremely hurtful. It didn't do us much good. We're still here.

I agree, there's a good chance that someone emotionally weak and needy probably can't make a relationship work with your ex. But I'd also bet money that a strong, emotionally independent person couldn't either.

That doesn't mean it's impossible. Some members here have managed to hold together a relationship with a pwBPD for decades. I'd say that's pretty long term. It really comes down to the individuals involved, and the dynamics of their relationship. Some people can hold it together for longer than others. Try and remember though, just because a relationship lasts a long time, doesn't mean it's a good relationship.

Your ex's new bf may have the ability to cope with her behaviors and outbursts. He may not trigger her in the same ways that you did. That doesn't mean that there's something better about him, or that there's something wrong with you. And I think that's something important to accept. It's not about being better or worse than someone else. Just because someone else can make a relationship work with our exes doesn't mean we were at fault for not making it work, nor does it mean we are are inferior in someway. You have value, and worth, and none of that is dependent on being able to maintain an unhealthy, tumultuous relationship. You're good enough the way you are.

[HappyNihilist]

Eventually you'll have to come to terms with the disorder and how it works. It treats everyone with equal opportunity and given time and self reflection you'll find out your Achilles heel concerning your own idea of superiority. Try not to compare yourself as better than the current partner because really there is no “better” person for disordered thought. It exists despite the partner. It is a common draw though for partners to believe they are superior to others concerning the needs of the Borderline.

I was going to post this very excerpt. 

[Infern0]

Yes.

My replacement was a guy she had friendzoned before we got together or had even met. He'd been hanging around for about 2 years and she'd rejected him multiple times.  He is a low self esteem druggie guy.

She replaced me with him when our RS got untenable due to constant boundary wars.

He's better for her because he has no boundaries (he forgave her for cheating and said it was his fault for not putting enough effort into the relationship) whereas I used to tell her off for cancelling plans etc and generally didn't tolerate any disrespect without a bit of an argument.

Poor guy is done for,  he's going to get absolutely destroyed.

[Turkish]

We have Stayers here who are in 20 and 30 year marriages. Some even more. A few of them have made it here to Leaving, even after all of that time. If we're stuck on awaiting our Ex's new relationship to implode, or awaiting the "inevitable" trigger of the disorder, then we're still attached. I'll admit that I kind of fall into this category, even a year out. While we definitely need to process and embrace our feelings (especially those of us who are freshly out of the r/s and emotionally raw), who is willing to wait a decade or two or three for validation?

[clydegriffith]

I dont compare myself to any of the BPDx's subsequent replacements nor do i make myself out to be superior to them in any way and i think it's a mistake for anyone to do so. The bad person here is the BPD not the replacement.

[Mr Hollande]

My ex definitely downgraded with a low level drug dealer who seemingly has his own demons to battle. Early on, while still in the FOG, I imagined it would implode for various reasons. I have no idea what she's up to or who she's with now, if it's still him or some other sucker, but if it's the drug dealer I imagine she gets on just fine with her new found substance abuse.

When or if it implodes it probably won't be because of any high standards on her behalf. I imagine it'll be him having enough. Or whatever. It's less important how, who or why by now. She's gone from my life and she will never be back. Her mess is hers and whatever unfortunate soul she entangles in the future. High achiever or down and out, in her clutches any man is a pauper. I'll never know and that's for the best.

[BrokenFamily]

She has crooked teeth

 maybe she's going for the London look?

[ADecadeLost]

There's no replacement in the picture at this point.  Between her efforts to start a career (all be it later than most), her DBT, and the fact she is regretting her choice to file for divorce, it just doesn't seem to be on her mind at this point.  Sure it will eventually, but not now.

Regarding down grades though, I'd argue I probably was the downgrade compared to many of those who came before me.  Given, I'd say I was better looking than most (ok, maybe that's a little narcissism showing through), but financially/socially I probably was not considered the equal to most (at least from their perspectives).  They were mainly rich, trust fund kids (old money, an oil heir, etc) like her who were financially set before they were ever born.  By comparison, the middle class college kid who lived on $500/month was a serious down grade.  Heck, even the one "poor" guy she dated before me, turned into something of an internationally renowned artist in the interim. 

Truth is, I never really cared whether I qualified as an upgrade or downgrade though, and can't say I'll care how my eventual replacement compares. 

[Climbmountains91]

Not so much "replacements" but the girls his been sleeping with and having threesomes with are definitely downgrades. Im sorry to big myself up here but there not exactly pretty. I met one of them ages and ages ago on a night out she said she wanted to punch me in the face :S and i don't know the other one but definitely a downgrade from me and his ex for sure xD hes scraping the barrel a bit low now.  im so horrible.

[hope2727]

She has crooked teeth

 maybe she's going for the London look?

Oh thank you so much.    That made my day. Maybe he is. Who knows. I know that I may not be smoking hot or a perfect person but I am pretty darn wonderful. So who ever he dates it won't be me and thats downgrade enough. Sorry narcissistic I know but in truth if I don't root for me who will?