Needing support / advice

[Beware of Junk Psychology...]

Tonight i am struggling. We have been taking it slow since last October where he got me back into some kind of recycle, last week i thought we were at a turning point, i felt like we were progressing somewhere so did he. Last week we shared a long, passionate kiss and cuddled on the sofa, this was big for him but i was patient and i told him it was ok. We meet up once a week normally Thursdays. Anyway, today he seems down, says his been in a very dark place for the last week and hasn't given last week of what we did one thought because his so preoccupied with the dark place in his head, everyday his trying to keep himself a live and is seeing his cpn every other day. I sympathise, i really do. Ive been to that dark place. But when we got to his, he went out the room i seen texts from someone I've heard rumours about his been doing stuff with but seeing it in black and white. I feel dirty even saying this, i feel ashamed but i found i had an STI few weeks ago i was shocked as i haven't been with anyone but him (i had some syptoms the reason for getting tested) and the texts confirmed he was getting tested, threesomes, using protection etc... Thats all the words I've seen everything was a blur i was physically shaking, how can he not tell me something as serious as that. (These texts were sent like the time he was getting me back into recycle) I never thought he'd go that low. I have been treated. I never told him i had this as i know all hell would break lose and he'd blame me...

Anyway he came back in i haven't said anything to him about what I've found on his phone. After telling me he hasn't given last week one thought and being confused as to how loving he's been in the last few months (especially last week) i decided to leave and go back to mine, talking was just going round in circles and i was so het up about the texts i wanted to have it out with him, let him know i know but his in a dark place right now and i don't want him to do anything and i just feel so hurt, used, confused, doubting all my actions and feeling pretty low to the point of suicide.

I told him i understood and to contact me when his feeling better said he probs will/wont. Depending if he can come out this dark place. Ive now decided to go complete NC with him let him have his space but what do i do about the texts I've seen and that?

Sorry if this doesn't make sense my heads in a spin tonight.

[Climbmountains91]

Tonight i am struggling. We have been taking it slow since last October where he got me back into some kind of recycle, last week i thought we were at a turning point, i felt like we were progressing somewhere so did he. Last week we shared a long, passionate kiss and cuddled on the sofa, this was big for him but i was patient and i told him it was ok. We meet up once a week normally Thursdays. Anyway, today he seems down, says his been in a very dark place for the last week and hasn't given last week of what we did one thought because his so preoccupied with the dark place in his head, everyday his trying to keep himself a live and is seeing his cpn every other day. I sympathise, i really do. Ive been to that dark place. But when we got to his, he went out the room i seen texts from someone I've heard rumours about his been doing stuff with but seeing it in black and white. I feel dirty even saying this, i feel ashamed but i found i had an STI few weeks ago i was shocked as i haven't been with anyone but him (i had some syptoms the reason for getting tested) and the texts confirmed he was getting tested, threesomes, using protection etc... Thats all the words I've seen everything was a blur i was physically shaking, how can he not tell me something as serious as that. (These texts were sent like the time he was getting me back into recycle) I never thought he'd go that low. I have been treated. I never told him i had this as i know all hell would break lose and he'd blame me...

Anyway he came back in i haven't said anything to him about what I've found on his phone. After telling me he hasn't given last week one thought and being confused as to how loving he's been in the last few months (especially last week) i decided to leave and go back to mine, talking was just going round in circles and i was so het up about the texts i wanted to have it out with him, let him know i know but his in a dark place right now and i don't want him to do anything and i just feel so hurt, used, confused, doubting all my actions and feeling pretty low to the point of suicide.

I told him i understood and to contact me when his feeling better said he probs will/wont. Depending if he can come out this dark place. Ive now decided to go complete NC with him let him have his space but what do i do about the texts I've seen and that?

Sorry if this doesn't make sense my heads in a spin tonight.

[fromheeltoheal]

I'm sorry you're going through that Climb; I know the physical shaking when you find out something intense like that.  It's a major wake-up call when the way we thought things were are not the way they are at all, all a facade painted by a crafty borderline.  There are reasons behind all of it, but right now it's important to just sit with those feelings and process them, and definitely don't communicate with him in any way; you've got healing and growing to do, and any input from him will stop you or send you backwards.  Keep posting, and take care of you!

[hope2727]

I am so sorry you are enduring this. Please take good care of yourself. Please find a good therapist who is familiar with BPD to talk to. I thought I was the crazy one when my ex left. I googled until I discovered borderline then sought out a psychologist who specializes in it. Now I see him regularly and it helps so very much. I totally understand what you are going through as I experienced something similar. I can only say that your health, both mental and physical, has to come first. Forget putting 51% of your energy into you and 49% into him. For the moment put 100% into you and let him take care of himself. You are worthy and deserving of a happy healthy relationship. So take care of you and the rest will happen as it is supposed to. Meanwhile I am sending you the biggest hug and a glass of red wine. 

[Silveron]

It doesn't matter if they have BPD or not.  Once the trust is broken it is very hard to get back, even harder if the other person is BPD.  They simply lack the empathy and other feelings it takes to make a relationship work.  Once the foundation of the house is destroyed it's impossible to build upon it.  Please try not to let this effect your own self-worth.  I've been married to my BPDw for over 10 years and I still find out things that just hurt me.

If you were to confront him, he will just call you 'crazy' and then blame you for checking his phone.  They won't apologize and if they do they don't feel true remorse.  And yes they are good at putting on a good front.  That's how they lure you in and then you become their emotional punching bag.

I'm not saying people with BPD are bad, they have a lot of good qualities, but I honestly am starting to believe the qualities that are needed to sustain a good relationship are just not there.  How can they love us when they don't love themselves?

[Climbmountains91]

Thank you for all your support and replies it means a lot

I am waiting for some intense psychotherapy which starts mid feb/beginning of March time as i myself have my own issues to deal with so i hope that helps me with this.

I actually confronted him about it, i don't know if he was telling me the whole truth but he did admit to that something did happen with his friend and she had the STI. He apparently got checked a few days afterwards because he had some kind of pain or something (?) and he was clear but i read it takes three weeks to come up positive on a test so he's going to get tested again. He said he hates and despises her because she put him at risk (she sleeps around with anything, shes on a fetish site and shes into all that). He said he did it because he was angry he found out about me and his friend went to the pub a couple of times and thought we were getting it on which we wasn't. He said if i would of read the messages to his friend i would of seen how much he regretted it and despises her as he don't role that way with one night stands and that. HA! He kept telling me he told me he slept with her last week but all he told me was he had "fleeting thoughts" for her ages ago when it happened. I think i would of remembered something like that. He said he didn't use protection and i told him come on, do you really want another kid, but hey he was drunk as usual. He also pleaded with me to not speak to our family's about this (so he doesn't look bad) but i wouldn't anyway how embarrassing would that make me look, i already feel sick and ashamed. I have some dignity. He also pleaded with me to not message her which again i wouldn't i have no time for whores and I'm more mature than that, even though theres a million things i would love to say to her. Ha! But again i have dignity. But him pleading that makes me think he has more to hide or he just doesn't want crap to kick off? Ill never know i know to much already anyway. Like the time on his birthday she said she would of loved to have punched me in the face. :S

I know he didn't cheat but he's put me at risk aswell and didn't have the decency to tell me about it, i know being scared but this is a serious STI and a silent one with some people which could of ruined my chances in future to have children if i didn't get checked. Luckily i had symptoms, from knowing the person he is i didn't expect him to go that low. I felt no remorse in his apology but hey what did i expect? I cant trust him ever again. Its just gonna happen again.

Im feeling a little better today i guess. I just feel numb and this is what I'm worth! I just feel sick, cant even eat.

You are so right Silveron. I couldnt agree more.