Ever realize you stopped loving them long ago?

[Family Court Strategies: When Your Partner Has BPD OR NPD Traits.]

Obsession and addiction are tricky things. I think they often mimic the feelings of love. It's been 13 days since I changed my number. I have only seen her 1 time in the last month, and I'm in firm no contact now. I've been going to a counselor to "detoxify" joined the gym again, have booked a couple flights to visit friends over the next 30 days, and I've organized some work people to go out during the week and do trivia or something at some local bars to just get out more.

What I'm slowly beginning to realize as each moment passes, I'm beginning to wonder when I stopped loving her? I didn't realize I had though until today. It just kind of hit me. I've been waiting for this break down to occur when I felt so lost and scared and alone. I was waiting for the other shoe to drop, but it hasn't. And then I started thinking about why it hasn't. It kind of hit me. Rather than focus on details, events, etc and analyzing the heck out of everything that happened, I've learned to simply pay attention to how I feel. I thought to myself, how do you feel right now. Relieved is the answer. There was ALWAYS a storm on the horizon of my days and nights in that relationship. Always a whirlwind of chaos just brewing beyond the reach. That's gone now. I started thinking about why I don't miss her. And it kind of occurred to me, to ask myself something I never even considered. Do I love her? Did I ever really love her? I don't know.

During the first month we hung out, she was out of a divorce and I hadn't dated in a year since I was cheated on. It was the first time we opened up about our ex's and the pain they caused. She said, it was so horrible that she treated me that way and cheated. And then she did the exact thing to me 3 months later. ha ha. Ever since that time, It activated some heightened anxiety in me, it made me hyper focused on our relationship and trying to make it work. Maybe I confused that for love, but regardless, it's very clear that what we had is NOTHING of what I would define as love.

Just wondering if anyone else has asked themselves questions like this in the letting go stage. This person cheated on me, created a climate of control and anxiety. Never prioritized me. Never cared about my needs. Never reciprocated my actions or caring. Refused to compromise. Refused to commit to work on making things better. I imagine it's much the same for many of you. And I can't think it's possible to love someone like that. I think we may confuse it when we become hyper fixated and addicted to the adrenaline of chaos they create.

That's why getting her away from me was the best thing I ever did. The power she had over me crumbled. And I see things for what they are.

[anxiety5]

Obsession and addiction are tricky things. I think they often mimic the feelings of love. It's been 13 days since I changed my number. I have only seen her 1 time in the last month, and I'm in firm no contact now. I've been going to a counselor to "detoxify" joined the gym again, have booked a couple flights to visit friends over the next 30 days, and I've organized some work people to go out during the week and do trivia or something at some local bars to just get out more.

What I'm slowly beginning to realize as each moment passes, I'm beginning to wonder when I stopped loving her? I didn't realize I had though until today. It just kind of hit me. I've been waiting for this break down to occur when I felt so lost and scared and alone. I was waiting for the other shoe to drop, but it hasn't. And then I started thinking about why it hasn't. It kind of hit me. Rather than focus on details, events, etc and analyzing the heck out of everything that happened, I've learned to simply pay attention to how I feel. I thought to myself, how do you feel right now. Relieved is the answer. There was ALWAYS a storm on the horizon of my days and nights in that relationship. Always a whirlwind of chaos just brewing beyond the reach. That's gone now. I started thinking about why I don't miss her. And it kind of occurred to me, to ask myself something I never even considered. Do I love her? Did I ever really love her? I don't know.

During the first month we hung out, she was out of a divorce and I hadn't dated in a year since I was cheated on. It was the first time we opened up about our ex's and the pain they caused. She said, it was so horrible that she treated me that way and cheated. And then she did the exact thing to me 3 months later. ha ha. Ever since that time, It activated some heightened anxiety in me, it made me hyper focused on our relationship and trying to make it work. Maybe I confused that for love, but regardless, it's very clear that what we had is NOTHING of what I would define as love.

Just wondering if anyone else has asked themselves questions like this in the letting go stage. This person cheated on me, created a climate of control and anxiety. Never prioritized me. Never cared about my needs. Never reciprocated my actions or caring. Refused to compromise. Refused to commit to work on making things better. I imagine it's much the same for many of you. And I can't think it's possible to love someone like that. I think we may confuse it when we become hyper fixated and addicted to the adrenaline of chaos they create.

That's why getting her away from me was the best thing I ever did. The power she had over me crumbled. And I see things for what they are.

[raisins3142]

Good post.

I fell for my uBPDexgf hard in the first few months due to her mirroring, saying what I wanted to hear, constant contact, and great sex.

But I think it was just infatuation.  You can't really fall in real love that quick, at least I don't think I can.  I told her I loved her and meant it though.

Even when she was head over heels for me too, supposedly, she would do things that really just totally disregarded or misunderstood my position and views.  For instance, a few weeks in, we went to visit a friend of mine and she talked to him all night, dominating the conversation, and left me silent in the corner by cutting me off/ignoring everything I said.  I kept explaining these things to her, but she didn't really understand or accept she was wrong, she got defensive at first and then said she saw my point, but she just started keeping a list of things she shouldn't do.  She never gained understanding that could be applied in new situations.  And she would later falter and do things on her mental list.

We could never have a rational conversation.  For instance, my cousin was placing her young daughter in a risky situation (allowing her to stay weeks at a time with a distant relative that is an alcoholic and had several male teenage troubled foster kids in the house to make money off the state).  I expressed my concerns and my ex simply said "well, it is not 100% certain that anything bad will happen and some kids are in those situations are fine".  I was incredulous when she could not understand it when I replied "I am more worried about probabilities than possibilities you can point to to discount my concerns and I take precautions when there exists a decent chance of something very bad happening to an innocent that I am responsible for".  She just said something like "we will just have to agree to disagree".  What the heck?

Then she withdrew and became cold and blamed it on stress.

The last part of the relationship was all about me trying to understand, fix things, or be right.

When I thought she was cheating, I tried to catch her and in a way wanted to so that my suspicions would be confirmed, I could finally understand her, and move on.  But I never caught her and so don't know if she did.

But understanding her never really came... .only the understanding that she was seriously screwed up and nonsensical.

[Pingo]

Hi Anxiety5, I get what you are saying.  What I felt was intense therefore assumed it was love. Now I realise I mistook the intensity for intimacy.  In real love there shouldn't be a 'but' at the end of the sentence... .I love you BUT I don't trust you... .I love you BUT you are hurting me.  It certainly wasn't a safe and unconditional love we shared.  Love isn't abusive.  Love isn't punishing. 

I remember feeling really numb after we split.  I was also relieved and thankful for a moment of peace.  Grief also hit me like a tsunami not long after that initial numbness wore off.  It came and went in waves.  Now 7 mths out it is more peace than anything.  Just try to prepare yourself if this is the case and ride it out.  These addictions are hard to break!  Good for you to be getting yourself out and about, keeping support around you with a counsellor and friends!

[anxiety5]

Hi Anxiety5, I get what you are saying.  What I felt was intense therefore assumed it was love. Now I realise I mistook the intensity for intimacy.  In real love there shouldn't be a 'but' at the end of the sentence... .I love you BUT I don't trust you... .I love you BUT you are hurting me.  It certainly wasn't a safe and unconditional love we shared.  Love isn't abusive.  Love isn't punishing. 

I remember feeling really numb after we split.  I was also relieved and thankful for a moment of peace.  Grief also hit me like a tsunami not long after that initial numbness wore off.  It came and went in waves.  Now 7 mths out it is more peace than anything.  Just try to prepare yourself if this is the case and ride it out.  These addictions are hard to break!  Good for you to be getting yourself out and about, keeping support around you with a counsellor and friends!

Thank you for the advice. Ugh, I fear this too. This grief that may come. Especially on days like valentines day coming up. That day will be very hard. We had made plans to go somewhere bc it fell on a weekend. That day is going to be hard to not wonder what she is doing? Who she is with? If she misses me? etc. But I feel dignified and empowered in standing my ground. I've tolerated enough. I've seen the actions vs. the words. I realize I can't be with someone I don't trust. I know I'd never want to marry her. I know I'd never want kids with her. I know that I tolerated way more than I should have. All these things, have finally reached a point that is larger than anything I may have "felt" for her. Intensity, addiction or such. It's just too much. We have absolutely no future together. Therefore the only place for her in my life, is in my past. What helps is the realization that no other guy will somehow get a better part of her. She is who she is. And I've gotten over the anxiety of her being with someone else that used to bother me. The simple realization, dude she cheated on you. Did you make it? Yes. Ok, then if she is with another guy (which she probably already is) who cares? you've already survived that once.

This has been a long time in the making. What SHE didn't realize, is all the times she put distance between us, initiated the cold shoulder, texted one word answers and would go minimal contact, she thought (as in times past) this would make me weak, and condition me to come back, and not "misbehave" again. She thought wrong. The last month, I've taken the personal space and used it to my advantage to begin breaking away, re-establishing friendships, planning to visit friends, find new activities, and be around family more. I accepted we had no future about 2 months before we broke it off completely. And her withdrawal of affection, just made it easier. And the whole time she thought she was punishing me. She was actually setting me free.

[downwhim]

I think I loved him. I feel I still do. However, I do not like who he became or maybe who he was hiding. Idealization/honeymoon it was the best time of my life. But these relationships put an expiration date on love so there is no growth, stability, security or intimacy.

[anxiety5]

I think I loved him. I feel I still do. However, I do not like who he became or maybe who he was hiding. Idealization/honeymoon it was the best time of my life. But these relationships put an expiration date on love so there is no growth, stability, security or intimacy.

Well put. I think you just totally summed it up. Growth, Stability or Intimacy. That's so true. Zero of all 3, add to that destabilization, conflict and being shunned push/pulled, and you realize that your love expired, it's just been replaced with fear/anxiety and you didn't realize it. I think that's what happened with me.

[downwhim]

I was so anxious and fearful of what was happening toward the end of my r/s. He is running off to my replacement behind my back while I am engaged and just starting to think about planning a wedding. Bizarre.

I am so grateful that pit in my stomach is gone. When I first got on these boards I was such a mess. I appreciate all of you even though we are the wounded healers we are all slowly... .healing.

[peace_seeker]

Love isn't abusive.  Love isn't punishing. 

I remember feeling really numb after we split.  I was also relieved and thankful for a moment of peace.  Grief also hit me like a tsunami not long after that initial numbness wore off.  It came and went in waves.  Now 7 mths out it is more peace than anything.  Just try to prepare yourself if this is the case and ride it out.  These addictions are hard to break!  Good for you to be getting yourself out and about, keeping support around you with a counsellor and friends!

Hi Pingo, what you said struck in a cord with me. Love isn’t punishing – I rmb how my ex used to punish when whenever I do something wrong. He would ask me to prove to him that I love him. And when I do, either by complying with what he asked for, or by punishing myself such as waiting outside for him for the whole day, he will reply me and say things like ‘I hope you’ve learnt your lessons’. This is not love, and this is what I’ve been trying to remind myself over and over and over and over again.

I’m just over the numb stage, and I’m now at the griefing stage. Hits like a tsunami indeed, I find myself shaking at the thought of having no company for the night, and the memories of how I’ll always have his company just seems to rob my breath away. It scares me.

[Deeno02]

Much like you, I was just out of a 18 year marriage, wife she cheated on me, and she was just separated, going through the beginings of a divorce (husband left her for another). She pursued me, I fell for it and much as you described, "created a climate of control and anxiety. Never prioritized me. Never cared about my needs. Never reciprocated my actions or caring. Refused to compromise. Refused to commit to work on making things better. I imagine it's much the same for many of you. And I can't think it's possible to love someone like that. I think we may confuse it when we become hyper fixated and addicted to the adrenaline of chaos they create." Yes, yes, yes, and yes. Dont forget being made to feel like your to blame for everything, your the nutty one, you cant do anything right, emasculated, called names, kids called names, hidden from her friends, incessant neediness, incessant demands, yet I loved her?

Long story short, I realized I stopped loving myself. Forget her, shes her own pile of ___. I stopped loving me. That is the problem. No love or self worth for me. She took that. I let her. Long standing issue with me that finally came to a head with this r/s. Love should be a gentle thing. Not abusive. Not a chore. Not a push pull. Not a one sided thing for one persons amusement and anothers pain. I fell in love with a ghost. Something not real, something you can see, but just out of reach, something that appears and reappears to cause you fear and doubt. No one deserves to be made to feel that you arent good enough, and thats how I was made to feel. Not worthy of love, companionship, adoration, validation or as a partner. My needs, my problems, my fears, my joys, my accomplishments meant nothing to her. And I allowed it to happen. Why?... .

Because I stopped loving me.

[FlyingAway]

What SHE didn't realize, is all the times she put distance between us, initiated the cold shoulder, texted one word answers and would go minimal contact, she thought (as in times past) this would make me weak, and condition me to come back, and not "misbehave" again. She thought wrong. The last month, I've taken the personal space and used it to my advantage to begin breaking away, re-establishing friendships, planning to visit friends, find new activities, and be around family more. I accepted we had no future about 2 months before we broke it off completely. And her withdrawal of affection, just made it easier. And the whole time she thought she was punishing me. She was actually setting me free.

This is beautiful, Anxiety5. And absolutely empowering!

[antelope]

anxiety5, its great to hear you are doing well  

what brings the grief and anger (the components of depression) isn't the loss of love with them... .

it's the loss of love within us that spurs depression... .there may come a time, sooner or later, when this will very likely hit you too, and you may feel the need to make a real inventory of your whole life, as well as the relationships (familial, friendly, and romantic) you are currently involved in... .

lack of love and understanding for yourself is what keeps us entrenched in these situations, and you'll find this to be a common, repeating, or at least familiar theme in other aspects of your life... .

all I'm saying is, if/when the depression appears, let it happen... .completely

[CloseToFreedom]

I'm really fighting with demons in myself about this stuff. Did I really love her? Did I love the attention she gave in the beginning? Did it become an addiction to get her back each time, and did i confuse that with love?

I was out so many times. I should've stayed out when the addiction wasn't that servere. But I somehow convinced myself that I loved this woman, and that she was the only one for me.

Now that we're split up for good, I'm having a hard time ending the addiction. A hard time is an understatement. Its like a drug. Even if she talks to me every once in a few weeks, I feel instantly better. Then the feeling goes below zero again when the contact stops.

[propunchingbag]

What I am realizing is that I do not love her and have not for years. There are up times when things are just amazing. But the down times resonate more than anything. I have been staying out of obligation to her and her daughter. I was always hoping she would get a full time job and make it easier to depart. But now I just don't care anymore. I just need the timing to be right to leave. A plan is in the works!

[mercurious]

Definitely didn’t love mine, waif never love bombed me as she was too shy to talk about feelings – like 4 year old shy.

And after the honeymoon, the whiney, b___ing about people, the snappyness and random arguments about nothing got tedious. Was bored of listening to it . And when she went off on pre-planned holiday with her female friends really enjoyed the time off didn’t miss her a bit. And I never felt great during this time, if this is love well I dunno why so many songs are written about it.

All in all it just got mentally draining listening to the neverending woes, whilst they’re not remotely interested in you – the me, me, me attitude.

They say your partner should be your best friend – mine was a poor friend-mine wasn't even a cheater-just a boorish emotional vacuum. Just imagine them as the opposite sex, as appropriate, make them unattractive, and ask yourself would you want to hang out and with them.

[anxiety5]

I'm really fighting with demons in myself about this stuff. Did I really love her? Did I love the attention she gave in the beginning? Did it become an addiction to get her back each time, and did i confuse that with love?

I was out so many times. I should've stayed out when the addiction wasn't that servere. But I somehow convinced myself that I loved this woman, and that she was the only one for me.

Now that we're split up for good, I'm having a hard time ending the addiction. A hard time is an understatement. Its like a drug. Even if she talks to me every once in a few weeks, I feel instantly better. Then the feeling goes below zero again when the contact stops.

That's part of the abuse cycle. You are uplifted when she contacts you, and then instantly devalued when she disappears right after. It's how she stays in the 1 up  position. And it keeps you from moving on. I went through this and realized it (from others here) That's why I sent a final text and changed my number and went No Contact. It was very hard, but once I accepted this is what this relationship is, and I asked myself, is this what I really want? The answer, obviously being no, meant I had to take action, she never would. That action gave me empowerment, saved my dignity and the obsessions are already slowing. I don't look at my phone all the time anymore because I know she can't text me. I don't check my email because I know she can't reach me. I suggest you do that, and you can finally get your own closure.

As far as the first part about what you said, I struggled with that too. She was drop dead gorgeous. Girl next door type, smart, has a great job, etc. Physically if I could script a perfect girl, it would be her. And emotionally, during the whole mirroring phase (that I had no freaking idea about) not only was the physical connection there, but she seemed to be this perfect emotional/intellectual fit with similar likes, etc.  Is it any wonder why I fell for her?

Someone posted here in response to what I wrote that love stops because after this phase, never again in the relationship do you ever get beyond that initial bliss. It's only down. Sometimes fast. Sometimes slow. Sometimes a defending roller coaster. But the facts are, there is NEVER any growth, real intimacy and love does have an expiration date when you factor in abusive behaviors with no real progress.

The problem is, once you are in this cycle, it is a real addiction. That's factual. And like any drug addict, we are chasing the high from the first few months, etc. Trying to get back to that stage. Our efforts initiate a fixation on them which turns into an obsession. We must make things right. Each set back, we are kept in action by the temporary revert to the honeymoon phase. Eventually this push/pull gets us so of kilt, that we lose touch with how bad things really are. We do more, and they do less. The expectations lower. We will settle for anything. That is abusive. And that is not love.

The only way to make the bleeding stop, is to close the wound. And the only way to close the wound is to let it heal. Each contact, each time she is able to reach you, she is picking off a scab and reopening up the pain that she has caused. If we let that happen too long, it's inevitable that we will get scarred.