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Author Topic: Your first post: looking back and assessing your growth  (Read 1455 times)
GeekyGirl
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« Reply #30 on: January 28, 2016, 06:39:00 PM »

I love this thread and seeing how people have grown while they've been here. So, so cool. 

So I'm going to cheat a little and skip to my third post (don't worry--1 and 2 weren't all that interesting Smiling (click to insert in post):

Then:

Hi everyone,

Thanks! My mother has never been diagnosed, but throughout my whole life (as I'm seeing now), she's exhibited signs of either BPD or NPD. Our relationship is hot and cold; sometimes she calls daily or multiple times daily, and sometimes she'll go a few months ignoring my calls/e-mails. When I was a kid, the silent treatment was her punishment of choice.

My greatest fear, and the reason I sought out therapy, was that I'd transfer this behavior to my son. Fortunately, my therapist thinks that this is limited to my mother (and possibly my brother), but that I don't have a PD. Still, he said that this is going to be a painful process as I grieve for the relationship that I can't have with my mother and work through the feelings of abandonment that have carried over from childhood.

Thanks for letting me get it out... .I've been poking around the boards and this seems like a great place for information.

-Geeky

Today

I look back, just over 4 years later, and I cringe. I was in a painful place. I'd love to turn back the clock and go give my 2011 self a big bear hug and some reassurance.

1. When you look at your first post(s) and compare it to your current situation, can you see any positive changes in your life? If you can, what are those changes and how did they come about?

Oh yes! I'm more confident, more outgoing, and today, I still struggle with some of the issues I had back then, but they're much less impactful.

2. Are there any areas of your life you would still like to improve? If so, what are those areas and do you have any ideas to achieve the improvements you are seeking?

I struggle with self-confidence, but I'm more willing to take risks. I'm more positive overall and spend more time with positive people and doing helpful things to self-soothe (get creative, work out, yoga) than do the things I did back then (emotionally eat, shop).

3. When you look at the survivors' guide for adult children who suffered childhood abuse to the right of this message board, where do you feel you are at this moment?

Probably at #20. I'm in a much better place, but there's room for improvement. Anyone who's at #21, please feel free to share your secrets! Smiling (click to insert in post) To be honest, I do find myself slipping every now and then back between 17 and 20. This is a journey and certainly not one that's over for me.



4. When you look back at your first post(s) on here, where would you place yourself on the survivor's guide when you first joined here?


I'm pretty sure I was around 1 or 2.
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Kwamina
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« Reply #31 on: August 08, 2017, 02:41:42 PM »

I'd love to turn back the clock and go give my 2011 self a big bear hug and some reassurance.

How about a parrot hug Smiling (click to insert in post)

1. When you look at your first post(s) and compare it to your current situation, can you see any positive changes in your life? If you can, what are those changes and how did they come about?

Oh yes! I'm more confident, more outgoing, and today, I still struggle with some of the issues I had back then, but they're much less impactful.

2. Are there any areas of your life you would still like to improve? If so, what are those areas and do you have any ideas to achieve the improvements you are seeking?

I struggle with self-confidence, but I'm more willing to take risks. I'm more positive overall and spend more time with positive people and doing helpful things to self-soothe (get creative, work out, yoga) than do the things I did back then (emotionally eat, shop).

Sounds like you've definitely made a lot of progress Doing the right thing (click to insert in post) You feel more confident yet also recognize that self-confidence is still something you struggle with. It makes sense I think that even after healing a lot, certain areas can still remain sensitive spots for us. The fact that you realize and acknowledge this, will however allow you to better manage any negative emotions you might experience.

To be honest, I do find myself slipping every now and then back between 17 and 20. This is a journey and certainly not one that's over for me.

I think this kind of self-honesty is just as crucial as moving forward on the survivor's guide. We could also choose to deny that we occasionally find ourselves slipping back, unfortunately denial often only makes the problems worse.

4. When you look back at your first post(s) on here, where would you place yourself on the survivor's guide when you first joined here?[/i]

I'm pretty sure I was around 1 or 2.

From 1 to 20, impressive! And when you add the two, you're at 21! Smiling (click to insert in post)
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« Reply #32 on: August 12, 2017, 04:21:57 AM »

Geeky Girl, it’s great to hear such positive progress, so how have you improved since your post 8 months ago ? I posted on this thread Sept 2015 as I had felt I’d come a long way. I post now because I realise I have come along way since Sept 15. It’s a long journey that just gets better and better.

I know BPD are full of denial, but we kids can also pick up flees, meaning I realise I was in denial about how ill I was. My sister lives off denial. She has stated our childhood is too painful to discuss and she’s fine. Yet she hasn’t worked in a long time, and when she did it stressed her out. Yet she’s forgotten she told me that, along with so many other things. She believe all mothers love, but ours can't show it for some reason. So she agrees with a mental health issues and all the symptoms, but it couldn't possibly be BPD, as her mother never boiled a bunny rabbit.

Denial  keeps the status quo (hence why BPD promote it) but I feel is not in our favour as it stops the healing. What does everyone think ?
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Kwamina
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« Reply #33 on: August 27, 2017, 07:32:55 AM »

Hi HappyChappy

I posted on this thread Sept 2015 as I had felt I’d come a long way. I post now because I realise I have come along way since Sept 15. It’s a long journey that just gets better and better.

That's great that you've continued growing and healing Doing the right thing (click to insert in post) Would you say that you getting out of denial about how ill you are has been your most significant growth these last two years?

My sister lives off denial. She has stated our childhood is too painful to discuss and she’s fine. Yet she hasn’t worked in a long time, and when she did it stressed her out.

It still amazes me how similar the stories of many members on here are. Your description of your sister really resembles my non-BPD sister, the one who was treated as the all-bad child by our uBPD mother. When this sister turned 30, I feel that her difficult childhood with our uBPD mother and my other uBPD sister, really hit her hard and she's been struggling ever since. Though she sought help for certain issues, I do feel she is partly back in denial about our uBPD mother and how much our mother's behavior has affected all us children. Like she is working on all other issues, while ignoring the big elephant siting in the middle of the room.

Denial  keeps the status quo (hence why BPD promote it) but I feel is not in our favour as it stops the healing. What does everyone think ?

I think you are right. We can only change what we acknowledge and when we deny or ignore the existence of something, it will be very difficult to heal from it.

I wish you well on your continued journey of healing

The Board Parrot
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Fie
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« Reply #34 on: August 30, 2017, 04:08:25 PM »

Thank you Ziggiddy, your thread is very useful to me !

I think I feel less guilt then before - especially towards my FOO, and also towards my child.
I looked up my first posts and I saw that the topic was 'should I go NC with my FOO'. I now see that my question was actually a wrong one. It was really my family who didn't really want something to do with me/my child. What I did was stop going to  family gatherings like Christmas and birthdays. I still would have welcomed my FOO at my home, where I feel less vulnerable when they'd ignore me/make fun of me.  So really, what I wondered about was not 'should I install NC', but 'should I have boundaries and only want to meet my family at my own home'. My thinking was clouded by my guilt (PF Change tried to point this out, but I didn't fully grasp it then).

Sadly enough my parents are still ignoring my invitations and are contacting my ex now, telling him they are not allowed to see their grandchild. I do still feel very afraid that my daughter would hold hings against me, and believe my mother instead of me. I can see now that my whole life my mum has tried to isolate me (with pretty much everyone around me). Funny but I never realized that, until my dying grandma told me that my mum prevented sleepovers at her place because she was jealous. Now mum's trying to compromise things between me and my daughter, and it scares the hell out of me.

For the first time my therapist is telling me that it might be a good idea to actually prevent my child from seeing her grandparents, because they are not behaving like grandparents/parents should. Maybe I didn't make *that* much progress, because although I rationally can see that would indeed be for the best, I somehow can't do it... .
Thank you for initiating this post, you made me think.


On these boards I learned how to not JADE. I have noticed that also with healthy people it can come in handy, just as well as SET. I also apply robot mode now sometimes  :-)

Overall, I am extremely thankful for these boards and it's wonderful members.
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Kwamina
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« Reply #35 on: September 09, 2017, 10:15:33 AM »

Hi Fie

I lik this thread too Smiling (click to insert in post)

My thinking was clouded by my guilt (PF Change tried to point this out, but I didn't fully grasp it then).

Well good that PF Change tried to point this out to you. Change takes time though and it depends on where you are at in your healing whether you will be able to recognize any distortions in your own thinking. It seems that the cloud has started to lift a bit though when I look at your posts from a bird's eye view Smiling (click to insert in post)

I can see now that my whole life my mum has tried to isolate me (with pretty much everyone around me). Funny but I never realized that, until my dying grandma told me that my mum prevented sleepovers at her place because she was jealous.

This is one of the aspects I find hardest to come to terms with. My mother very much applied isolation tactics too and I am sad to say she often succeeded and her behavior really got to me. I could not understand her behavior and looking back it feels so bizarre that she was jealous of the attention a little child was getting and also felt threatened by my growth and little steps towards independence. Knowing what I know now about BPD, I can see what contributed to her behavior, such as the fear of abandonment, yet still I find it hard to come to terms with as this significantly impacted the social contacts I was able to have.

Now mum's trying to compromise things between me and my daughter, and it scares the hell out of me.

Now then indeed seems like the time to really start setting and enforcing/defending boundaries with your mom. In what ways is your mother trying to influence your relationship with your daughter? What are you most afraid of, is it the fear you mention that your daughter would hold things against you and believe your mom's distortions?

Overall, I am extremely thankful for these boards and it's wonderful members.

Thanks for these kind words about the board and members Smiling (click to insert in post) I am also very grateful to see you here, you've made wonderful contributions Doing the right thing (click to insert in post)

The Board Parrot
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« Reply #36 on: September 17, 2017, 02:54:08 PM »

Hello board parrot 

Thanks for going into my post ! I wrote it partly to answer the initial post, partly to make my own thoughts more clear for myself. Thanks for contributing to that ! I didn't forget to reply ... .it's just my head has been so full of worrying thoughts lately that I just couldn't answer sooner. I allowed myself a little break from overthinking everything, but I think I am getting out of my worried mindset, so here I am !  :-)

I am very sorry to hear that your mum also applied isolating tactics. Being a mum myself, I cannot understand it.  I am so sorry. I wish I could go back in time and undo all of the hurt.     

I hear what you are saying, it does limit the amount of social contacts you have as a kid - and as an adult as well. 
The only 'normal' family member I have left, my aunt, has recently stopped replying to my messages. I guess that's my mum at work.


Excerpt
In what ways is your mother trying to influence your relationship with your daughter? What are you most afraid of, is it the fear you mention that your daughter would hold things against you and believe your mom's distortions?

My parents are not really interested in my child, but they do want to keep up appearances. So once in a while they become 'interested'. Since I became less susceptible to their mockery and abusive behavior, they started contacting the dad of my child when they want to know how she's doing.  They *completely* ignore me. Total NC (except for birthday wishes ages ago).

It's odd of them to contact my ex, because since we separated they hardly saw him. Now they have told him they are not allowed to see their granddaughter, so they are obliged to have contact with her through him. My ex believes them, even though I keep insisting it's not true. It has been maddening for me. I also had the impression he very much liked the fear and confusion it caused for me.  I explained him that this is my mum's way of isolating me, but he just said it was not a problem for him to be contacted by them, and that he'd go visit them with my child, 'so at least she knows her grandparents, because it's so sad for her'. This coming from a dad who usually has quite little empathy for his daughter. He seemed to just like the drama it was causing for me. The circular explanations I made... .:-(   I had to bring up the possibility of going to court to have this all settled by an impartial judge. Only then did he agree with my wish that he should deal with his family and me with mine. (He's terrified of a court coming into the equation, always has been. So we always worked things out for our child between the two of us, no lawyers, no court. I agreed with this approach because the less fights, the better)

Sadly enough my therapist recently suggested that the behavior of my ex sounds BPD  :-(   Quite confronting.  I had a BPD/NPD partner after having ended the relationship with my child's father, but I never really thought about having had another one :-( 
And I don't want my child to have a BPD dad ... .towards her his behavior is rather autistic then BPD (he doesn't listen when she talks / has little empathy / victim mentality sometimes. But not the drama/fights he displays towards me). Maybe I will open another thread later on that one. But that's another topic, too much to process right now :-)

Some weeks ago I wrote my mum an email, telling her I didn't like the whole situation. That if they want contact with their grandchild, it should happen through me. That I didn't want them to tell lies to everyone, saying they are not allowed to see their grandkid. This was right before my daughter's birthday. Upon her birthday they sent her a card ; it was mailed to ... .her father.

So, in what way is my mum trying to influence my daughter... .by telling her that I don't allow them to see her, by telling her that the pocket money she gets from grandma is not to be taken home to mum, but to dad, ... things like that. Not much - yet, but it's obviously lies and attacking behind my back. Since they have now also proved to not respect my wishes, I guess I am starting (finally) to feel justified to keep them away from my child.

You were asking about my worst fear in this. Yes, you were right : that my child would believe them, not me. That growing up, she'd turn her back on me. Not wanting anything to do with me anymore.
My therapist is telling me that this is what always happened through my childhood, that my parents always abandoned me, and that I should not transpose it to the current situation with my daughter. I am working very hard on it (regression therapy), it's extremely helpful. Since I am doing the regression work I have seen that for me abandonment fears are my biggest challenge in life. Whichever worries arise, due to whichever situation, it always comes down to the same. In most situations doing a regression is extremely helpful. When the symbol is too loaded ('my daughter' I am not quite there yet. Still a lot of work to be done.

Sometimes I am so much in fear because of situations like this, that I think I will only have peace of mind once my mum will be dead. I don't want to think like that, but I must confess that I do. I am almost scaring myself thinking those thoughts, because I don't want to be a terrible person. And I know I am not, but just, thoughts like that don't match the person I am in general.

Thanks Kwamina for caring. I am sorry it became so much of a ramble, but I wanted to answer because you made the trouble asking. And I notice that when situations are very emotional for me, I tend to use too many words and I ramble  :-)

Thanks for understanding, too. I have friends that mean a lot to me, and some of them know about my FOO situation. But not one of them sees it for what it really is. They just don't get it.

xxx
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Kwamina
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« Reply #37 on: September 18, 2017, 02:18:49 PM »

Hi Fie

The only 'normal' family member I have left, my aunt, has recently stopped replying to my messages. I guess that's my mum at work.

It could be... .there perhaps could also be other reasons though. How long has she not been responding to your messages? Ultimately, your aunt is an adult too and responsible for her own behavior and if she would choose to believe something while only hearing one side of the story, that would say a lot about your aunt too.

Since I became less susceptible to their mockery and abusive behavior, they started contacting the dad of my child when they want to know how she's doing.  They *completely* ignore me. Total NC (except for birthday wishes ages ago).
... .
It's odd of them to contact my ex, because since we separated they hardly saw him. Now they have told him they are not allowed to see their granddaughter, so they are obliged to have contact with her through him. My ex believes them, even though I keep insisting it's not true. It has been maddening for me. I also had the impression he very much liked the fear and confusion it caused for me. I explained him that this is my mum's way of isolating me, but he just said it was not a problem for him to be contacted by them, and that he'd go visit them with my child, 'so at least she knows her grandparents, because it's so sad for her'. This coming from a dad who usually has quite little empathy for his daughter. He seemed to just like the drama it was causing for me. The circular explanations I made... .:-(

This very much sounds like a game of triangulation in which your daughter is being used as a pawn. Both your mom and ex seem to be very much engaging in Karpman Drama Dynamics, your ex seems to be attracted to and energized by the drama involved in these Drama Triangles:
Excerpt
Karpman observed that in conflict and drama, there is "good guy vs bad guy" thinking. He also observed that the participants become drawn in, even seduced, by the energy that the drama generates.

Best course of action for you would probably be to take and maintain a strong position at the center of the triangle:
Excerpt
Move to the center. Stop participating as a victim, rescuer or persecutor. Instead, find and hold a center position. The center of the drama triangle contains elements of each corner - it is a combination of sensitivity, compassion, and responsibility - with a solutions focus, even if the solution is retreat.
Refuse to accept your opponent's force. Do not struggle with the other participants in the triangle, or yield to them. Instead, make a counter move with one opponent that allows them to fully take an awkward, indefensible, or unreasonable position. If you have successfully taken the center, your opponent will back off, rather than unmasking themselves and their exaggerated role.

And backing off is indeed what your ex did when you brought up the possibility of going to court to have this all settled by an impartial judge. Be vulnerable, but not a victim. Assert, rather than persecute. Be caring, but don't overstep (rescue). And there you have the Winning Triangle!

I am sorry it became so much of a ramble

It's ok, us parrots love rambling! Smiling (click to insert in post)
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Fie
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« Reply #38 on: September 18, 2017, 02:42:46 PM »

thanks board parrot for the effort !

Your question about my aunt, She has not responded to my birthday wish f.e. That's no big deal, but normally she does answer (this was a few weeks ago).
She did write a card for my daughter's birthday, so I wrote her a thank you message - no answer.   

But you are right, there could be another explanation.

She has had odd behavior in the past though. She f.e. had, together with my mum, the firm wish that only they could be present at the funeral of my grandparents. I was simply not allowed, nor were the other grandchildren. Very frustrating. I know a funeral is public, and I could have insisted and gone if I wanted, but I decided to not make trouble and I left it be.

I had a conversation with my aunt a few years back, upon which she expressed her worries that I didn't make an effort to have a good relationship with my mum (uuugh). I didn't want to tell her about BPD and so, because she and my mum have a good relationship (well, when my aunt is not painted black that is) so I didn't want to spoil that. She kept on saying on how it's such a pity and how anyone who's against my mum, is against her. I told her there were things she didn't know, but she clearly was not interested in absorbing that idea. She's also quite emotional unavailable and has stated this about herself in the past. Her boyfriend is autistic and has hit her on occasion - she's still with him.
Still, she's the normal one :-)

Very interesting idea about the drama triangle. I will remember that for next time. Because with my ex as well as my parents, the other shoe *will* drop, just a question of time. Could you maybe tell me, who do you see in which role ? Is my mum the victim ('I am not allowed to see my grandkid', me the prosecutor and my ex the rescuer of my mum ? Or am I the victim ('they are lying about me' ?

Thanks so much. Revealing.
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Kwamina
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« Reply #39 on: September 18, 2017, 03:01:22 PM »

Could you maybe tell me, who do you see in which role ? Is my mum the victim ('I am not allowed to see my grandkid', me the prosecutor and my ex the rescuer of my mum ? Or am I the victim ('they are lying about me' ?

I think the thing with the drama triangle is that the people engaged in it, can and will take on several roles. No matter which role you take though, everyone on the Karpman Drama Triangle is responding to live as a victim. Your mom is trying to cast you in the role of persecutor (bad guy), portraying herself as the victim and trying to involve your ex as the rescuer.

Then when your ex believes your mom and turns on you, he is assuming the role of persecutor and you are being cast into the role of victim.

But all the while your mother is actually being very passive-aggressive and through that aggression is also very much behaving like a persecutor and very much pushing you into the role of victim.

And your daughter is just being used in all of this as a means to an end, to try and control you. When your parents talk about being obliged to have contact with your daughter through your ex, that statement by itself shows them casting themselves into the role of victim. Only victims feel like they are obliged to do something like this, in reality your parents have many options yet choose to behave this way.

And also your ex is just using your daughter as a pawn when he brings her to your parents since he normally shows very little empathy for your daughter based on your description. This very much sounds like he's playing a game here, presenting himself as the all-good rescuer, while at the same time seemingly enjoying the hurt it causes you which sounds more like a persecutor.

That's my parrot's take on it
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Fie
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« Reply #40 on: September 18, 2017, 03:07:11 PM »

Excerpt
And your daughter is just being used in all of this as a means to an end, to try and control you.

I think you are right there, and one of my friends has pointed this out also.
But why do they want to control me, I wonder ? They don't want anything to do with me !
And they are not interested in my daughter neither. They only pop up now and then, especially after they see that I don't react as they wish. Then suddenly they want contact with their grandchild.

So why do they want control over someone they don't want in their lives ? It it only maliciousness, wanting to see me suffer ? (my mum does have this tendency)
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« Reply #41 on: September 22, 2017, 03:55:03 PM »

Well, with BPD it can be quite difficult to really say why a person behaves this way. Perhaps they try to control you because they actually feel like they aren't in control of anything else in their life so to give themselves at least some sense of control they then tried to control every aspect of your life.

I do think this is significant though:
They only pop up now and then, especially after they see that I don't react as they wish. Then suddenly they want contact with their grandchild.

So perhaps the reason they want to control you is because they see that they can't, yet at the same time can't stand that so keep trying anyway. If that's the case, your parents have actually trapped themselves in an ever repeating loop of their own dysfunctional behaviors.

It's difficult to tell whether they do or don't want you in their life. It is clear though that their behavior is quite problematic and has negatively affected you. Perhaps they are unable to express their love in a loving manner or perhaps they are unwilling to do so. Really determining or fully understanding their motivations and thought processes might be somewhat of a 'mission impossible'. What is clear though are the dysfunctional behavior patterns and distorted thinking they exhibit. Wanting to and/or thinking that you can control the uncontrollable, by itself is an example of distorted thinking your parents exhibit.
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